the marital bedroom

LegacyUser

My wife and I are have some problems in the bedroom which I hope I canget some 'positive' advice on.
Sex life is ok, once a week, but I'd like more....not the issue.
Whenever we have sex it is initiated by ' if you come upstairs you can get lucky', ' Do you want a quicky' (from her). I invariably ask some similar corny question. This has bugged me for a while....for a few reasons, 1. If I ask and get rejected, I feel ****, but I say ok and hide it so that she doesn't feel bad about it. 2. Why can't sex be initiated by touching , kising and then leadingto this.
I mentioned this a few weeks ago and got reared up on...not literally.....She thought things were going fine and she was happy with things.
I'm not happy with it and wish it wasn't so planned. I feel like fingers are being clicked and I'm running....or else asking can we have sex.
We had a chat about last night, I was civil, but she was so emotional about it that she could barely get the words out.
She says thats the way she is and she cant change. She's not really into foreplay, doesn't like to wear anything other than longsleeve and long leg PJ's in bed...even if was only for a bit of a starter.....then change into the flannels afterwards.
I'm not the biggest romantic, but I have suggested having baths together, showers, sex somewhere else outside of the bedroom.
We have 3 kids so I can appreciate the latter can being impractical sometimes.
I find my wife very attractive, she does it for me, and I want us to fix this problem, as I think its damn important

Miss Fluff

How about starting with a weekend away, away from the kids and away from routine, where it's all about both of you as a couple?

themullet

Hey OP I can understand your frustration. Listen you need to sit down and talk through this with her properly. I know you've said that she got upset the last time but try to stop that from happening. Firstly, start by telling her how much you love her, how great she looks, how much you are still attracted to her etc. This will make her feel great. Then I'd move on to your relationship together. Tell her you want things to be great between you two, and that a bit more love making would help this. Tell her that sex isn't the be all and end all but that it's very important in a relationship. Do you think maybe she is a bit conscious about how she looks etc. What I mean is, is she confident in her appearance??? You need to ask yourself that. Were things this way when you first met?

In my honest opinion, you just need to explain to her the above. I hope this helps

McGinty

Hi Op

I'd open up by saying that fair play to you for talking about it. The difficulty you have is that your sex life has been the routine (I am guessing) for some time and it is such a touchy subject. It sounds like your wife is embarressed about sex, like it is a duty to get over and done with, it is unusual for a woman to not like foreplay, and that says to me she is just hoping to get it over and done with. I am also guessing that the whole, go upstairs and you may be lucky is her way of covering up her embarressment. The tears are because she does not want to deal with this issue, sex is such a touchy subject.

The thing I would advise is keep talking to begin with, tell her you feel rejected and the jokiness is off putting, at the same time tell her you want to be intimate and express your love physically. I would highly recommend a book called "The art of sexual ecstacy" by Margo Anand, it teaches couples about sexual intimacy, now it goes from basic levels of intimacy, such as the whole eye gazing, touching, etc right through to tantric practises, you don't have to do the whole lot, but it will help you to become more intimate and show your wife how to be as well, if she is willing to go along with it. It also gives couples a chance to discuss and explore sticky issues, it is not easy to bring along a reluctant lover and it is not personal but it is worth it both for you and her.

Finally I know rejection is horrible when you ask, but as one poster here often points out if you want better love, you have to become that better lover, so tell her you'd like baths, organise a babysitter, take a day of work and plan an illicit afternoon together. The thing is was she always like this? Ask her what she likes, tell her that you want to spend time having kissing or foreplay and no penetration, that will allow her to become more sensitive. I could go on and on, but rather than thinking these things, act on them at a slow pace. Best of luck Op.

kayos

McGinty wrote: »

I would highly recommend a book called "The art of sexual ecstacy" by Margot Anand

Little fix in her name there .

But ya Margot works with a lot of couples and while you or your partner might not be into the whole tantra thing there are basics that she teachs that really do work.

But the main thing you really need to do is talk about this with your partner.

Marksie

pleeez wrote: »

Sex life is ok, once a week, but I'd like more....not the issue.
Whenever we have sex it is initiated by ' if you come upstairs you can get lucky', ' Do you want a quicky' (from her). I invariably ask some similar corny question. This has bugged me for a while....for a few reasons, 1. If I ask and get rejected, I feel ****, but I say ok and hide it so that she doesn't feel bad about it. 2. Why can't sex be initiated by touching , kising and then leadingto this.

Ok she does seem to be the one initiating all the time, there is an imbalance in that you are moving to her clock.
While i am dead set against people haveing sex at the pestering of their partner i don't think this is the case here.
I also generally advise that people don't get upset by someone else saying no. So do try and avoid the feelings of rejection. Having said that, i can see that you are genuine in your concrens and they are real and valid.
I also sense that she is lacking in the idea that sex is about intimacy rather than just about the pure mechanics.
Thiough i say again that the ideas of touching and kissing should not necessarily be about it leading to sex.

pleeez wrote: »

I mentioned this a few weeks ago and got reared up on...not literally.....She thought things were going fine and she was happy with things.
I'm not happy with it and wish it wasn't so planned. I feel like fingers are being clicked and I'm running....or else asking can we have sex.

yes i agree, spontenaeity as well as planning is important. It does seem that what is going on here is going with her wishes and you are facilitating it. You see the difficulty arising here is that if you do start having sex more you will feel that its just to accommoadte rather than a genuine desire as a couple.

her inability to communicate is indicating a deeper sense of insecurity around sex than you may be aware of.

pleeez wrote: »

She says thats the way she is and she cant change.

No, its because she doesn't want to change. There is a difefrence, her behaviour pattern is that she has got used to this for whatever reason and thats the way it is. You are there when she is in the mood.
Its also a cop out saying something like that as there is another reason

pleeez wrote: »

She's not really into foreplay, doesn't like to wear anything other than longsleeve and long leg PJ's in bed...even if was only for a bit of a starter.....then change into the flannels afterwards.

Why isn't she into foreplay?
Does she have body image issues or has it always been like this?

pleeez wrote: »

I'm not the biggest romantic, but I have suggested having baths together, showers, sex somewhere else outside of the bedroom.
We have 3 kids so I can appreciate the latter can being impractical sometimes.

OK and her response was in the negative so you let it go.

Did you ever take time to set a sexy space, put aside the problems of the work day? send the kids to their grandparents or as miss fluff says go away for a weekend?
look at rebuilding intimacy and openness first as a precursor to a more regular sex life. as it seems you are just completing and urge rather than a desire.

pleeez wrote: »

I find my wife very attractive, she does it for me, and I want us to fix this problem, as I think its damn important

Your right it is important.
if unchecked it will get worse.
But , and I always quote this, if you want your partner to become an ecstatic lover: become on yourself.
It is gong to need the willingness and openenss on both your parts to explore this.
But all you can do initially is look at ways of going back and rexamining your own attitudes to sex and sexuality. THen showing how much you find your wife attractive from that context.
If initially she isn't interested, then learn all about this yourself begin by realising that its intimacy not sex thats important here.
then lead her into it.

(i have had this conversation with a work colleague who said the same thnig. In teh end his bottom libne was..she is too catholic. Despite myself and another telling him to learn himslef and then show it slowly, he has refused to do so and the situation is worsenjing.
In the end its up to him himself to do this)

The same goes for you, its all in your hands to change the situation, not your wifes.
So
1) overcome the guilty feelings about initiating
2) initiate intimacy not sex: massage, mood setting, touch.
3) look at something like tantra for your own benefit and ideas first: its not about prowess but about all the above i have mentioned: openness, communication, intimacy. but first it deals with the self.
4) if she does not respond or continues to get upset then third party mediation, there is something deeper here than you have been told. She needs to learn effective communication and for both of you to explore whats going on.
Look, she is likely to be defensive and upset as it is a direct challenge to her inner self and wher attitudes to sex. It is a stumbling block, but you need to get the communication gonig, slowly at first and both opebly explore what is happening to both of you.

edit: looks like a tantric fan club with the last two posters . Margot anand's book can read a bit like a practice book if you are not familiar with underlying principles, but it really does work because at its core the principles are sound. But there are other schools of tantra out there for you to investigate.
Futher, there are schools opening in ireland so have a look around. To the best of my knowledge they are offshoots of the skydancing school.
Have a look at Uk schools as well some are offshoots of skydancing, but one at least is a different path with similar processess.

vandermeyde

We probably need more info to be able to offer better advice,

have things always been like this? Before the kids?
Does she work? Stay at home with the kids? do you work long hours?

I've been thru something similar, working long hours, home feeling horny, my wife at home with the kids all day, tired, missing "adult" company, insecurities about how she looked after having kids, me looking for some action, her looking to relax and have a chat, me feeling like I'm always initiating things and pestering her, her feeling like I take it all for granted....

Ultimately, for me, it just meant, cutting back on work hours where possible, helping out around the house more to take the strain off her, cooking more dinners, having intimate nights in with no mention of sex, just reconnecting as a couple rather than as "parents"...

Simple stuff but at the same time its very easy to fall into the trap of that kind of routine which isn't good for either of you....

Maybe lay off the asking for sex, ask about her day, have a glass of vino, cuddle up on the couch and take it from there!

ibarelycare

vandermeyde wrote: »

We probably need more info to be able to offer better advice,

have things always been like this? Before the kids?
Does she work? Stay at home with the kids? do you work long hours?

I've been thru something similar, working long hours, home feeling horny, my wife at home with the kids all day, tired, missing "adult" company, insecurities about how she looked after having kids, me looking for some action, her looking to relax and have a chat, me feeling like I'm always initiating things and pestering her, her feeling like I take it all for granted....

Ultimately, for me, it just meant, cutting back on work hours where possible, helping out around the house more to take the strain off her, cooking more dinners, having intimate nights in with no mention of sex, just reconnecting as a couple rather than as "parents"...

Simple stuff but at the same time its very easy to fall into the trap of that kind of routine which isn't good for either of you....

Maybe lay off the asking for sex, ask about her day, have a glass of vino, cuddle up on the couch and take it from there!

I agree. Try to get into the position where sex can be initiated physically. Wait until the kids are in bed, be ready with a bottle of wine and suggest a night on the couch. When you're both relaxed, put your arm around her, give her a kiss and take it from there.

Everyone else's suggestions are great, but maybe you need to start with something small like this and see how it goes.

LegacyUser

Guys,
Thanks for the advice, all positive.
We've had some softening up, recently in that I got the puppy dog eyes, a nice kiss and cuddle and then, as the song goes, 'business time'

That has eased some of the post argument awkwardness.

Vandermeyde: These are very similar things to what goes on. She is at home with kids, on the back of a long wet summer. I'm out of the house about 10hrs and correct, she's tired and misses adult company.

Marksie: You made some good observations. She does have image problems. She's carrying a bit of weight around the waste, nothing major, till size 12, but lacks confidence in her self.
She can be a demon in bed when she has Gin, and will do an awful lot of stufff she normaly wouldn't normally. She doesn't seem to into receiving oral, will give if asked sometimes but seldom coz she wants to.
I think I'll work on the intimacy side , like you said.

Miss Fluff: When we are away togther overnight, we click back to the good aul days. Maybe a night away sans enfants is overdue. The 5 of us went away this summer, so we missed our chance to get away together (not too flush at the moment )

Guys and Gals, thanks again for the good words

Splendour

Hi Pleeez,


think you've gotten some good advice here but for what it's worth, sex begins in the kitchen-not the bedroom! Kudos to you for cutting down on your work hours but your wife might need help with domestic issues.

Maybe some night you could run a bath for your wife while you put the kids to bed (have some music in the bathroom so she doesn't hear the kids moans n' groans of kids ...) She needs to feel you're in control of 'home life' before she can relax into being your lover...