Can you be JUST friends with someone you are mad about??

LegacyUser

I need advice if you would please????......

So here is how the story goes?

A few years ago i met my friends boyfriends brother out and took an instant fancy to him - We nearly copped off together that night but my friend interrrupted us and that was that! So roll on about 9months later we shared our first kiss! it was lovely and we had a fun night and i stayed over at his brothers house on the sitting room floor - i had to leave at 6.30 the next mornign to get the train at 8 to come back to Dublin! We didnt have sex but engaged in oral!

Anyhow i got his number off my friend and text him saying i had a nice night with him and sorry i had to leave so early and i hoped that his hangover wasnt that bad the next day! HE NEVER REPLIED - Roll on 3 months later i met him again - for the first time since i had kissed him, we kissed but he just said that he didnt want a relationship and leave him alone! Roll on 3 weeks later we were chatting in a pub and all our friends left us and we were gettting on great and went to the niteclub together and had a brill time - he waited for me at the end of the night but was really funny with me as if he wanted to kiss me but i held back as i had already been rejected once and maybe i was reading the signs wrong!!

Anyway 3 years on we were at a music festival together and i was really drunk and ended up in his arms and kissed him! NExt morning totally ignored me - so i got over that - NEw years eve he kissed this gir in front of me and it didnt bother me as there was sh!t going on at home that i was upset about (cringe though cause i think he may have thought i was crying over him)

Anyway Im finally getting to my problem - I spent a lot of time with him this weekend and i am absolutely mad about him all over again - we get on really well - he is 30 and i am 28! we didnt kiss but i think we were too afraid to make a move either of us! I think he likes me but he is a very shy reserved guy and it seems to me he is afraid of commitment! I live in Dublin and he lives down the country and spends alot of time working! I could be wrong but i think he is afraid of taking a chance with me because i live so far away from him!

My friends all tell me to just be friends with him and that if i am with him again that i will ruin all that! i have a feeling he likes me but i am terrified that i am wrong and will be once again rejected and left looking like a tool!

I see it as having one of 3 options

1) say nothing and continue the way we are now - friends but to always be thinking whether we could have had something! (and my knees going to Jelly when i meet him)

2) Tell him and risk the fact he might not like me and i would be rejected once again and definitely our friendship would be over as i would not be able to face him!

3) ............Please help on filling in a third option if there is one!

I am basically looking for advice on which approach to take! Sorry for the long winded post! my head is melted!

thank you for reading so far!

Wibbs

You'll likely get better advice along soon, but I'd go for number 2 and tell him. I will say this it is significantly easier for a woman to go from friendzone to lover than the other way around.

G86

Hey OP

This is a tough one...and I can see why you're confused.

You say you don't want to lose the friendship - but you're not that great of friends anyway though are you? I mean not the problem sharing, talk most weeks, meet up every weekend type. So, you haven't go an awful lot to lose by saying it to him, except maybe a bit of pride.

If it was me I'd cut my losses and say goodbye to him, he's messed you around a few times now and told you a few times he doesn't want any more. I could see it easily turning into a hook up thing where you'd be the one left hurt if you got together.

However, I know that isn't going to help get him out of your head, and if you really feel you need a final answer then yea I say ask him, go for option 2. Just be prepared for the answer. If at 30 he still doesn't know what he wants, then I don't know if he's the best guy to be getting into a relationship with.

RedXIV

I'm another for option 2.

Lay it out on the line and tell him you don't want to be messed around with any more. Tell him you like him and you think he likes you and you'd like to see what could happen between you. Keep it simple and keep it calm and if you can, say it and leave him to think about it.

I can't tell you what he is thinking, but he has hooked up with you on several occasions and you say you two have alot of fun together. there is a chance that nailing him down with this could be all it takes.

Best of Luck

Aspiration

I'm with Wibbs on this one. I think you should just cut the game playing and lay it out for him and take it from there. Maybe I'm getting the wrong impression, but it doesn't seem like ye were really friends anyway were ye? Sounds like ye were just 2 people who'd just end up with each other if ye met each other on a night out or the likes.

Edit: Looks like I just repeated what G86 and Red said

LegacyUser

Well i only kissed him twice 4 years ago and once last year.

We are in the same circle of friends and only every get to chat when we get time alone together! It is this weekend that melted my head! I was waiting for him to make a move and he didnt and i felt I wanted to but knew that if i did there was no going back!

I dont see him that often but still he is my friends brothers twin brother (maybe i should have mentioned the twin part). We are in contact enough and if i fcuk this up then i am going to make things awkward! i could be imagining the whole thing in my head and maybe he doesnt fancy me and is just being polite by saying he doesnt want anything!!

WE have the craic and on Sat night we had a real heart to heart about him and his work and life in general - never mentioning US!!! Im jsut utterly confused! Like how do you tell if someone likes you that much or not! i am easy to get on with and would talk to anyone and can have the craic but it is a different craic with him!!

I think he has been single so long now he wouldnt know what to do with a girlfriend anyway. I dont know when i will see him again but i know he is coming to Dublin for a concert in Dublin with my friend and maybe I could jsut throw caution to the wind!! I'd be just so embarrassed that he would say it to the rest of them!!! i dont want to come across like a stalker!

Amazotheamazing

If he really had much interest in you you'd know for sure by now. Three years is plenty of time to tell someone how you feel. He's just not that into you.

Move on and find someone who is.

melekalikimaka

easy i've been doing it for years...5 infact

<looks out window at last leaf on tree

its not worth it

tell them how ya feel

Marksie

Life is short..too short to be looking back and havnig regrets that you did not do something you wanted to.

You will never know and lways have that regret. So tell him.

If your friendship is strong enough it will take rejection and move past. if your friendship is deep enough, it will move further into lovers.

Give it your best shot

Karen_*

Tell him but be prepared for rejection. He's had plenty of time to decide you're the one for him and he's had plenty of clues that show you're interested.

Can you be friends with someone you're mad about? No. You're not genuinely their friend because you're only hanging around waiting for more. And even if you accept that there won't be more then you'll be a very miserable and possibly resentful "friend".

Hope it all goes well for you and has a happy ending but if it doesn't then don't cry over him or waste anymore time on him.

Pen1987

Let him think youre not attracted to him, ignore him, flirt with other guys when hes around and see if he gets more or less attracted. He might think he can have you to easily... if your hard to catch then by default you ARE a catch, one to keep.

Aurora Borealis

Pen1987 wrote: »

Let him think youre not attracted to him, ignore him, flirt with other guys when hes around and see if he gets more or less attracted. He might think he can have you to easily... if your hard to catch then by default you ARE a catch, one to keep.

Why bother with games though sadly it seems all too often that works but not to the right end.

I say tell him but be willing to walk away if he's not on the same page. It's a gamble but worth it if it works out.

Nothing ventured....

LG26

Hi

It's been going on far too long for game playing, just tell him how you feel you really have nothing to lose at the end of the day.

The way he has treated you in the past, he doesn't really deserve your attention. But if you really have feelings for him you need to bite the bullet and tell him at least then you will know where you stand.

coco

I think you should tell him because you can never lose what you never had and to be honest wouldnt you be happy to know whether he wants you not so you can at least move on and forget about him if he says no. You should ask because if you dont ask youll never no and it will prob be a regret you will hold for the rest of ur life. So take chance!

the glass woman

Why would you even want to be friends, let alone anything else, with someone who treats you this way. He's using you, when it suits him. He probably knows you're mad about him and therefore can get what he wants from you. I'd forget about him to be honest and spend your energy looking for someone who treats you better. Ignoring your texts the day after is a sure sign he's not that interested. Best of luck.

Fat Pie Lot

If you're keen, then lay it out for him, but be prepared for the very worst. At least you'll be doing this for you and if things work out then great. You don't want to be sitting there next year thinking what might have been. No regrets and all that.

If he turns down your advances, it's up to you to decide if you can be friends with him.

I was friends with someone I was really keen on, but my own personal rules were that I didn't dater co-workers and she was a co-worker... a close one. That was tough and, yes, I did regret not saying to her at the time. Now, as a close friend of mine, this isn't an issue, but it was for a year or so at the time.

Peleus

go for option number 2. But do it when you're drunk.

impr0v

Tell him. Then, when he says he doesn't want a relationship or whatever, just walk away and forget about him. It will take months but it's better than trying to be friends with him.

Being friends with someone you are mad about can be done, but it shouldn't be. Even if you're not a natural optimist you'll slowly let yourself believe again that he's into you and the cycle will start again. Not good for one's self-esteem.

studybug

I told my friend how I felt recently and while he told me he didnt want a relationship, as he had just finished one, he would always consider me as a good friend. I was so upset but at the same time at least I know now.

Dont see him that often so not sure how it will be the next time I do see him....may be easier said then done this friendship only business.

madziuda

OP, first thing you have to do is decide whether or not you can bear the thought of not having him in your life at all.

Because if you say that you won't be able to face him again if he rejects you, then you might soon be facing a prospect of living your life with one less friend in it.

I'm not saying he'll tell you that - no one but him can say that for certain, but you have to be prepared for the worst.

As for the question from the topic.

yeah, you can be just friends with someone you are mad about.

I, for one, have done it. hell I'm doing it still.

I've been best friends with a guy I used to love for 2 years now.
Does it hurt?
Like hell.

is it worth it?
To me it is - I can't imagine my life without him - i'd rather have him as a friend than not at all.

To sum up, it has worked out for me (we both moved on) - but it may not work for everyone

One way or another, best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

This could well be terrible advice but ive dealt with rejection by making
myself hate the person i was mad about, i know it sounds thick but it works in
some weird thick way.

stressed out

OP I feel for you. Have been in situations like this before.
But to be honest - and no disrespect to you - this guy sounds like a loser.
He ignores your txt, he kisses another girl in front of you, he hooks up with you when it suits him. You mentioned something about him being afraid of commitment so this probably explains his behaviour, but he treats you like crap.
And forgot about him having heart-to-heart chats with you - he's just using you. Wow what a catch he is.

OP don't even bother telling him how you feel. He doesnt deserve you. Find another man - preferably one with a backbone

nobodythere

You have a lot less to lose than you think you have.