Trying my best for my girlfriend

LegacyUser

I'm going out with my girlfriend almost half a year. We've been through some pretty traumatic events, like the loss of a parent and loss of a job, but we've been there for each other and I do know I love her. However, we seem to have hit a wall.

I have a female friend who I've been friends with for 5 years. At one point she did develop feelings for me, but I politely turned her down, and we've remained friends. I'm also a friend she goes to when she gets depressed, something she has been medicated for in the past. The last few times we've met up, my girlfriend has been with me. They have gotten on and liked each other.
However, the other day my friend asked if we could meet up (as we do every week) but if it would be okay if I didn't bring my girlfriend along. She said it's nothing personal, but she would like to talk and doesn't feel comfortable if the girlfriend is with me every time. I understand that my friend would like to talk and unload as it were, as she's done in the past. We chat, she feels better and we go on our separate ways.

My girlfriend saw the text I got, and immediately took offense. She sees it as a personal slight and jealousy on the part of my friend. I've tried to explain that my friend sometimes doesn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of a person she's only met a few times and that she needs to offload. I want to be there for her as a friend, as I have been in the past, but my girlfriend thinks I'm prioritising my friend. She sees it as jealousy on my friend's part and her manipulating my girlfriend's and my relationship.
I am doing my very best to explain to my girlfriend that she's my number one and she's my priority, but she is still very angry at me. I really do love her but this issue is hurting me so much. We've argued about this a number of times since Monday, and I'm just lost. I've said everything I can but have received threats that this will break us up, that I don't see my girlfriend's point of view, that I'm being manipulated and that she's very unhappy with the situation. She demands an apology from my friend even though she stated that this was not a personal issue with my girlfriend.

Is it unreasonable of me to sometimes want to be there for a friend, even if that means my girlfriend doesn't come along? Even if that friend is a girl? This is not a case of my girlfriend being disliked by my friend. She does like her. And it's not a case of me abandoning my girlfriend. Despite her thinking it is. What can I say to get through to her that she has no reason to be paranoid of my friend and that she's my number one? I'm sorry for the long post. I just feel emotionally exhausted. And I don't want to lose my girlfriend or my friend.

RossFixxxed

You have every right to meet your friends. Nothing has happened in the past from what you say so there isn't anything to be jealous about. Everyone needs people to talk to in confidence.

Frankly if she doesn't trust you or gets that jealous are you sure she's the person to be with. Try talking about it rationally, much like your post and gague the reaction. She needs to cop on.

good luck,
R

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I'm trying very hard to explain it rationally to her. She's not had much experience in relationships, so I'm willing to work with her on this. I just want her to be happy and understand that this isn't what she's making it out to be. She said she needs to think about what I've said. I sincerely hope she realises that this 'issue' really isn't as big as deal as she thinks.

McGinty

I have to agree with the above poster and say your girlfriend is being unfair, even though in the past I was in her position, I was jealous like her and I was wrong to be like that. Your girlfriend does not own you, you are free to meet with whomever you like whenever you like, yes I do believe in considering a partner's feelings, but issuing ultimations is manipulative and cruel, and yes I did that to my ex, I forced him into a corner and I was wrong to do that. It is something I would not do now, your girflfriend will have to sit with her jealousy or leave the relationship.

Spike440

From your girlfriend's perspective she's a (single?) girl who had feelings for you at one point and now wants to meet up with you alone, even going so far as to ask you not to bring her along. She could feel very under threat if you're having problems anyway and you're the go-to-guy for another girl.

You're in a tricky position. I don't agree with the posters who say she should just trust you and that's it: case closed. I think you need to do everything you can to make her see the full situation and continue to re-assure that you're just trying to be a good friend. However, push might come to shove and you might have to make a difficult choice.

haligh

I'm in your friend's situation with a mate of mine - we've never had any romantic interaction though. I can never talk to him without his girlfriend being there and now I just don't call him anymore if I need to talk to someone seriously, because he wouldn't understand if I asked for her to stay home. at least you understand that your friend is important to you.

personally I think your friendships are something your girlfriend shouldn't try to control - it'd be different if it were an ex or someone you have/had romantic feelings for, but a friend in need is just that.

Pigletlover

I can see both sides here. I understand you wanting to be there for your friend, but she sounds a bit needy tbh. Shes seems to be dependant on you, has she any female friends she can talk to? I'd be a bit worried that she sees you more as a boyfriend figure than a friend, especially since you say she had feelings for you before. Asking you to meet up with her, but to leave your girlfriend behind puts you in an awkward position. When I was younger a few of my closest friends were guys, but when they started going out with people I knew to keep my distance. There's nothing wrong with being friends with members of the opposite sex, but you have to know where to draw the line. Reassure your girlfriend that she has nothing to worry about. Meet up with the girl if that's what you feel you should do, but maybe consider putting a bit of space between you and her for the sake of your relationship.

ibarelycare

Does your girlfriend know that your friend once had feelings for you? If she doesn't know this then I don't see why she should have a problem letting you go see her on your own. She wouldn't act the same way if it was a male friend and even if she doesn't trust your friend's intentions 100%, she should trust you.

MagicMarker

I think you should ask your girlfriend for an apology for reading your texts.

LegacyUser

She didn't go behind my back to read the text. She read it out to me as I was in the middle of something. It was a reply to a text I had sent earlier. She doesn't go behind my back and sneakily read my text messages.

Silverfish

I remember several threads before on people being asked not to see a certain friend, and being told what was asked was unreasonable.

If it had been your girlfriend who had started this and said you were not to bring that friend along on a night out or whatever, you'd most likely be told she was in the wrong.

I'm afraid, this works both ways. She's not saying you can't see your friends at all, but your friend (female, interested) has said you can't bring your girlfriend?

I think your friend is being most unfair, and you seem to be putting more effort into reasoning with your girlfriend than with your friend. That alone would spark questions with me.... why is it so important your friend gets to dictate the terms of your friendship?


Suppose you just have to figure out which one is more important to you, and which you see lasting long-term - friendship or relationship.

the glass woman

following what silverfish wrote, i don't think your friend is 'dictating' your friendship. You've been friends for five yrs. If nothing has happened in that time then why should it happen now. Your friend is not asking a lot by requesting some time alone to talk to you. If you've been there for each other for 5 yrs then your gf should understand this and not see it as a threat. Her behaviour threatening you with a break up is bang out of order. This is what often happens when friends get into relationships where one or other starts to get jealous and insecure. Friends get dropped. In this case either by you, to keep your gf happy, or by your other female friend, who may well start avoiding you, knowing now she can't confide in you privately, and cannot spend time with you unless you're gf is there, leaving her feeling like the gooseberry, after 5yrs of an adult friendship.

Fat Pie Lot

I think your friend has every right to ask that your gf doesn't come along. She trusts you as you've known her for years, but she doesn't yet know your gf well enough to sit and share whatever problems of her own she has. It's not a dislike issue, it's a trust issue. You've been open with your gf and if you allow her to go through your phone, even in your presence, you have nothing to hide.

However, they've met and from your perspective, they like each other and get on with each other, so it follows that, in time, maybe your friend will trust your gf enough to be able to open up in front of her.

I know that when I open up to some of my female friends, their other halves (who are my friends too) will find out, but I still can't sit in front of them and talk about whatever's troubling me. I'm OK with the fact my female friends will tell their OH's, but