Everything is getting me down even when I try to do something about it

LegacyUser

I've always been a quiet enough guy. In primary school I was over sensitive and suffered pretty badly from OCD, but in secondary school I came into my own and made a few good friends, had girlfriends, acted the maggot, developed a sense of humour and was happy enough apart from a few dark spells and dramas.

Around the time of my Leaving, I got a lot of grief from "friends" around where I live that I didn't go to school with which amounted to name calling and spreading of rumours. Just after the Leaving I worked in a shop where the manager gave me loads of hassle for being lazy when that wasn't true... it was so bad that all the other people in the shop wondered why the hell I put up with this.

This really put a damper on things when I went to college. My academic success bottomed out, I couldn't make friends and really struggled with it for years... Eventually, I made a few friends, or at least people I could sit with in lectures or smoke with after but after college they all did their own thing and I convinced myself they wouldn't be interested in me despite them inviting me places. I managed to pull things together and get a good degree but did nothing about getting work experience or a job.

After college, my health was quite poor and I became very introverted. My quietness annoyed the hell out of me and I came across as a complete grumpy bastard. There was one girl who was mad about me, but I just couldn't get my head straight and I ended up treating her like garbage, something that I still feel rotten about to this day.

Now, with some jobs I hated under my belt I finally got work that I like, got out from under my folk's feet with a place of my own, got to the gym, learned to drive, learned an instrument, forced myself to go on a holiday and made an effort to keep in touch with friends and be more upbeat about life and for a while... it worked. I even saw a counsellor and talked to family and friends about it.

The problem is, I'm starting to question my worth as a person again and it's scaring me. I'm so annoyed about wasting all those years being an angry little jerk when I could have been out having fun. Now, my friends have all moved on and met people, my dating opportunities are limited and I'm finding it just as hard as before to make new friends. I feel so awkward and out of the place all the time.

After the effort I've been making lately, I feel the net effect is barely noticeable. I haven't made new friendships that have lasted beyond a quick hello if I see them out and about simply because I didn't feel like I was able to put my neck on the line and keep in touch with them and I don't feel like I'm an interesting person. I'm self conscious and I worry that my life is going nowhere.

I recently got dumped by my girlfriend out of the blue which hasn't helped, but thinking about it, apart from her, which turned out to be a big fat lie, I've felt the above for a good few months now. The relationship ending is definitely the straw that broke the camel's back, but it's not the main cause. What I notice is, I still flounder in big crowd, I worry that I'll say something stupid and I often feel so alone when surrounded by people.

I met a girl recently who's lovely, my mind tells me "she likes you, you idiot" but my subconscious tells me that if I persue it, I'll make a mess of it.

I know what you're all thinking, I'm thinking it as I type, I don't know a good thing when I see it. It's so stupid but I just can't snap out of it and get on with my life. My OCD is getting worse again, I'm drinking more than I should and my work is being adversely affected.

I wish it was everyone else with the problem and not me. It's not like I haven't tried to face up to things.

I'd love some advice, support or "me too" stories.

Sesudra

Hey OP,sympathise with you so much!school(primary and secondary) was hell for me but started coming into my own in college,but still every day have thoughts like "why is this person friends with me?" or "did I just say the wrong thing?"

the way I look at it is,if you feel like you get on well with someone,there is a certain amount of effort needed to start a friendship with them.a fully formed friend isn't gonna drop in your lap,you need to let them know you wanna be friends,a text saying "wanna go to that film/gig/sports event" or whatever.or even just "am gonna be in town,wanna hang out?".can be tough to do,I know,but more than worth it!and you'll meet more people through those people,and it gets easier

stressed out

Hi OP

I understand how you feel. I've suffered from this growing up too - just being quiiet and feeling awkward and self-conscious. I think to a certain degree everyone - even supremely confident people - suffer some self-consciousness at some point.
The trick is to shift this perspective. The thing is when you talk to other people, focus your attention on them, ask them questions about themselves - try not to think about yourself and what you're doing, who's looking at you, etc.
Take small steps - talk to strangers - again by focusing on them.

Negative thoughts "I'm not interesting" need to be banished. They become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell yourself something for long enough and you'll believe it to be true. Instead focus on your good points - intelligence, sensitivity, thoughtfulness. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones "This girl is interested in me", etc. It sounds corny but it works. I used to do a sport but was continuously putting myself down "I cant do this", "I'm crap", etc- my instructor took me to one side and told me sport was a mental attitude - if you believe you'll fail, you will. A positive attitude is the only way to go.

OP I think it would probably help to speak to a counsellor again. The thing with counsellors is they're not a one-fix solution. Sometimes there are periods of our life when other things crop up or things resurface. The counsellor will also help with your OCD.

Also stop drinking - drink is a depressant and will only worsen your mood.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. The worst thing about it is I know I'm being stupid, but when it comes to the crunch, actually being myself feels like an insurmountable object! It's wrecking my head!

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
just want to say that most of us have been there, felt the same way about the world/ourselves. Sometimes life does seem pointless, but you must have something to keep you going.. There are at least 5 people in this world who dearly love you, even if they're just your family members..
All your problems will go away as soon as you realise that you are the one who creates them in your own head and people around you have NO idea whatsoever that there's something wrong with you. Also, everyine else is too caught up in themselves and their own little troubles to think bad of you or be judgemental!
I find that summer time depresses me BIG TIME since there's no college(I'm a student myself), no human contact as such, too much time to think about stuff if you know what I mean. Plus the weather is quite bad these days, which is certainly not a good antidepressant.
So just hang in there, I'm sure everything will sort itself out!
All the best!

LegacyUser

I had a chat to a mate last night who insists that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I still find it hard and I guess the effort of getting out there more coupled with a breakup just caused a small hiccup.

I still feel like garbage, but I'm thinking as positive as I can!