Need relationship advice

acr2998

Ok, here goes.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for two years. We have been living together for a year. She is a lovely person, sweet, kind, funny and many more wonderful and rare things. I get on well with her family, her parents have treated me like a son ever since we started going out. She is an attractive woman who turns heads

However, here comes the problem part. I don’t love her. I don’t know why I don’t, but I don’t. I’ve spent the last two years hoping it will come but it hasn’t and probably never will.
I know I would miss her terribly if we broke up, and to be honest I would never find anyone better (or anyone at all)

I suppose my question is; what is it supposed to feel like when you are in love with someone. Is it supposed to be all butterflies in stomachs or is a nice respectful relationship the best that can be aspired to.

Admittedly this does sound like an awful teenage soap opera, but that’s down to my bad writing. These are real feelings, perhaps badly put, but still real

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

Jeapy

What age are you? Is this your first relationship? After 2 years, you really should be feeling something special. You're not being fair to yourself or your gf by being with her if you don't love her. Do you fancy her? You say that she turns heads, but that means nothing if you aren't attracted to her.

Oryx

I often read PI posts, and whenever I see someone initially describe their other half as sweet funny warm kind etc I know theres a but... coming. If all it took to love someone was that they be a stereotypical kind of wonderful, like you describe your girlfriend, all our relationships would be grand and love would come easy. And people would never fall for the wrong person either.

Trouble is life is not that simple. Love may be hard to quantify (I cant begin to describe it here) but all you know is you dont feel it. And really, thats all you need to know. By the same token, if and when you do fall head over heels, youll know love when it hits you. You know that corny line from Austin Powers 'You Complete Me'? Well, its a bit like that. The person you love makes you feel whole. I cant tell you what it is but for sure you will recognise it when you do get it.

If you had said that you no longer feel for your gf what you used to, my reply would be different. Feelings mellow and desire and lust change into something slower and gentler, a different kind of love. Thats normal, its part of getting used to someone. But you are saying you dont feel like you ever loved her. Shes great, but you sound bored and dissatisfied. You could decide to stay because of all her plus points, but I would say get some headspace to think. Because if you have doubts now, its going to only get harder to bury them as time goes on. Get some space and see how you feel. Dont settle for something because it looks good to everyone else but your heart isnt in it.

acr2998

My first proper relationship, yes. I'm in my late twenties so no excuses there.
I am attracted to her but not in a 'can't keep my hands off her kind of way'.
I know I'm doing her no favours but I just cant bring myself to end it.
Its not a case of me thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I know it's not. Not only is the grass not greener, there probably is no grass.:(

RedXIV

At times like this i'm reminded of the line from the matrix.

"Being the One is like being in Love. No one can tell you your in Love, you just know"

I think perhaps you should sit down and put some serious thought into what you imagine your life would be like without your OH, you'll find your answer long before anyone else figures it out for you

AngryBadger

Oryx wrote: »

If you had said that you no longer feel for your gf what you used to, my reply would be different. Feelings mellow and desire and lust change into something slower and gentler, a different kind of love. Thats normal, its part of getting used to someone. But you are saying you dont feel like you ever loved her. Shes great, but you sound bored and dissatisfied. You could decide to stay because of all her plus points, but I would say get some headspace to think. Because if you have doubts now, its going to only get harder to bury them as time goes on. Get some space and see how you feel. Dont settle for something because it looks good to everyone else but your heart isnt in it.

+1

Silverfish

acr2998 wrote: »

My first proper relationship, yes. I'm in my late twenties so no excuses there.
I am attracted to her but not in a 'can't keep my hands off her kind of way'.
I know I'm doing her no favours but I just cant bring myself to end it.
Its not a case of me thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I know it's not. Not only is the grass not greener, there probably is no grass.:(

Well, if you read around here, that does happen in relationships. The physical side can taper off.

I think sometimes the trouble can be people expect fireworks and constant flippy stomachs and whatnot.
I've found love can take various forms for various people.

However, if its affecting your happiness, it would probably be best to end it.... she'll eventually pick up on something being wrong, and get upset about that. Maybe after some time apart, you might realise what you had was real, or maybe realise you're happier on your own, or perhaps even meet someone else who might not be as great on paper but still cause you to fall in love.

acr2998

I suppose (without being too melodramatic), I feel like I should love her and I'm annoyed with myself for not.

I have thought about life without her and its not very pretty. I would also worry that I will regret it forever (I tend to think that way in general)

Oryx, I accept everything you've said. Maybe I skipped the mad desire part and went to the slower gentler part though. And if thats where love ends up eventually anyway, have I really denied myself all that much. Or do you need the first type for the second type. (Hope that make some sense)

chickenhawk

It's hard to give up something you feel comfortable with even if you know in the long term it might be the best thing for everyone.

Don't just consider yourself in this situation. If your girlfriend loves you and you don't love her, and you don't think you ever will, than it would only be fair to break up with her. Otherwise she will start to feel unloved and you might start to feel trapped.

Do the best thing for both of you (if you don't think you love her) and break up with her. You will both meet other people and deserve better.

I know it is easy to sit at a laptop and type this but it really is the only thing you can do. Whether you find out now or two more years down the line is up to you.

Good luck!

madziuda

acr2998 wrote: »

Ok, here goes.

what is it supposed to feel like when you are in love with someone. Is it supposed to be all butterflies in stomachs or is a nice respectful relationship the best that can be aspired to.

No, being in love with someone is not all about having butterflies in your stomach and seeing fireworks every time you kiss. The butterflies and the fireworks can and often are a part of love (at least in its initial stages) but if you start questioning your feeling towards the other person the moment they are gone and the passion cools down, then it has probably never been real love in the first place.

Love is something more, everyone's experience of it is different, but if you need to ask yourself whether you love your girlfriend or not, then chances are you don't

I agree with other posters' advice - go away for a couple of days - just you, don't take your mobile or anything that would let you get in touch with your gf and just think and try to imagine how your life would be without her.

After a day or two you'll get your answer. And if it's negative - leave, and let her find someone who will really love her.

Oryx

acr2998 wrote: »

I suppose (without being too melodramatic), I feel like I should love her and I'm annoyed with myself for not.

I have thought about life without her and its not very pretty. I would also worry that I will regret it forever (I tend to think that way in general)

Oryx, I accept everything you've said. Maybe I skipped the mad desire part and went to the slower gentler part though. And if thats where love ends up eventually anyway, have I really denied myself all that much. Or do you need the first type for the second type. (Hope that make some sense)

You can need someone, and miss the habit of them incredibly, and still not love them. Hell, meatloaf even wrote a song about it.

I dont know if youve gone straight to the mellow phase, if you did though, I still think that deep inside youd know you loved her, and wouldnt be having doubts so strong you are posting here for opinion. The love you feel over time changes and maybe looses the initial fizz, but its still there in essence.

My only other thoughts on this are that maybe you are going through a phase where you realise that you are into a long term commitment with this girl, and you may be panicking that you are forsaking all others for her, making you second guess how you feel. I dont know, only you do really. To reiterate what I said earlier, dont sell yourself short, and settle for familiarity because its the easier thing to do. Make sure this girl is right for her as well as your sake.