Too hot to trot?!

JazzHands310

Hi all, I’d appreciate any advice you can give me

I’m with my boyfriend now for seven months or so. We’re both in our very late 20’s. We pretty much have a great relationship and it bears all the hallmarks of being something that will last. However I am starting to lost patience with regard to our sex life.

We started out passionate about each other, and I suppose it was like any other budding relationship; we couldn’t get enough of each other. As far as I’m concerned it’s still only early days and things shouldn’t have changed that much. I still fancy the pants off him and quite honestly would be happy sleeping with him 4 or 5 times a week if I could but he doesn’t seem that bothered. I’ve asked if he’s still attracted to me and he is but it seems that the more emotionally attached to me he has become, the less he feels the need to demonstrate physically

He said to me once that I wasn’t like most women and according to him I’m ‘always randy’ and this actually hurt quite a bit. It’s not that I’m up for it with anyone, but I’m so attracted to him that I want him all the time. Is this common? I feel a bit let down sometimes when we go to bed at night and don’t end up having sex, but I’m not too sure why it bothers me. I love him very much but I’m getting tired of feeling like a freak because of my sex drive. In my last relationship (which lasted 6 yeas) things had fizzled out towards the end but my ex never mentioned that I was abnormal in any way. Should I go to a doctor??

Thanks for reading

LegacyUser

get to a councillor quick, i had the same problem and a good councillor solved all of that.

AnonoBoy

JazzHands310 wrote: »

Should I go to a doctor??

For wanting to have sex with your boyfriend 4 or 5 times a week? Good god no. That's perfectly normal.

Maybe he just doesn't have as high a sex drive as you. But there's certainly nothing wrong with you.

Miss Fluff

How often is he comfortable having sex these days?

JazzHands310

AnonoBoy wrote: »

For wanting to have sex with your boyfriend 4 or 5 times a week? Good god no. That's perfectly normal.

Maybe he just doesn't have as high a sex drive as you. But there's certainly nothing wrong with you.

Thanks, at least there's nothing wrong with me.

MsFluff - he seems to think twice a week is loads.

themullet

Jazzhands it could just be that his sex drive isn't as high as yours. And to be honest there isn't a lot you can do about that. Has his lifestyle changed at all in the last while?

Pigletlover

19057E wrote: »

get to a councillor quick, i had the same problem and a good councillor solved all of that.

I'm hoping that's a joke.

OP there's nothing wrong with you, you just have a higher sex drive than your partner. You say you'd like to have sex with your boyfriend 4 or 5 times a week, that's perfectly normal. There's no need to go to a doctor. As I said he probably just has a lower sex drive than you, what you need to think about is if this will be an issue in the long term.

JazzHands310

themullet wrote: »

Jazzhands it could just be that his sex drive isn't as high as yours. And to be honest there isn't a lot you can do about that. Has his lifestyle changed at all in the last while?

No, nothing has changed for him. I have asked him if he's still attracted to me and he assures me he is. I wonder if maybe he's just gotten into the comfort zone part of coupledom that usually takes longer to get to for most people.

Sometimes I feel like a dirty perv.

kayos

Everyone has a different sex drive; some have a high drive some have a low drive. There is no normal sex drive level. 4 or 5 times a week is not exactly a high drive from my point of view, hell that could be covered on a Friday to Sunday morning stretch. Heck it might be broken by Saturday afternoon! Every relationship has its honeymoon period where the most highly driven bunny could be put to shame. This does fizzle out a little but it does not have to be like that. IMHO a healthy love life is the key to a healthy relationship. As you will see written in so many PI posts what is a relationship without sex? A friendship. You both have to work at keeping that spark alive. But is it really work when its such fun .

Some of the main things to take into consideration are nothing to do with the relationship at all. Is your partner under a lot of stress or on any medication that could possibly have an affect on their sex drive. Are they tired from long hours working etc etc. If all those are ruled out then you need to ask why your sex life has slowed down. Is it a case of the same routine every night? Do you actually try to initiate or just lay back and hope he does? So many reasons and none of them have anything to do with partners no longer being in love with each other.

Try varying things in the bedroom, hell try it out of the bedroom. Everyone has some fantasies see if you can find out his and help him act it out or even talk to him about yours and see if he will help you!

It is hard to offer specific advice on a topic like this as every person and every relationship is different. Just don’t read too much into it at the start. I know that can be hard but with good communication between the two of you then you can starting ruling out what it isn’t and get to the root cause if there even is one. It is quite possible that he just does not have that high a sex drive, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less. Oh and what ever you do don’t pressure your partner over this, pressure can kill passion quicker than the A bomb.

JazzHands310

kayos wrote: »

Try varying things in the bedroom, hell try it out of the bedroom. Everyone has some fantasies see if you can find out his and help him act it out or even talk to him about yours and see if he will help you!

It is hard to offer specific advice on a topic like this as every person and every relationship is different. Just don’t read too much into it at the start. I know that can be hard but with good communication between the two of you then you can starting ruling out what it isn’t and get to the root cause if there even is one. It is quite possible that he just does not have that high a sex drive, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less. Oh and what ever you do don’t pressure your partner over this, pressure can kill passion quicker than the A bomb.

Thanks for such great advice Kayos, it's much appreciated!! I have done my best not to pressure him as I know it could make things worse and that's the last thing I want. Cheers again

helimachoptor

Nothing wrong with you OP, In my first serious relationship myself and my gf had sex 2/3 times a day 4/5 times a week,

Maybe he's under pressure in work or having something causing him worry, IMHO 7 months is still in the honeymoon period and you should be going at it quite a lot.

greenapplesea

JazzHands310 wrote: »

No, nothing has changed for him. I have asked him if he's still attracted to me and he assures me he is. I wonder if maybe he's just gotten into the comfort zone part of coupledom that usually takes longer to get to for most people.

Sometimes I feel like a dirty perv.

Jazzhands this is uncanny! I recently posted the exact same problem! My boyfriend didn't want it as much as me, I wanted it regularly, I got upset and then insecure and felt like a rabbit and he didn't see there was a problem.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it and he siad that he now realises he wasn't making as much effort anymore because he feels that he has just gotten too confortable. He said that because we get on so well and have the craic together that we just chat and chat in bed and then he's too tired. He basically admitted that he's let the sex thing slide because he is so comfortable with me now. He reassured me that he is still very much attracted to me and now knows that he has to put in the effort to avoid our sex life fading all together.

Definately speak to your boyfriend, I'm sure it's just a similar situation. He is still attracted to you because if he wasn't he'd just end things wouldn't he? Stop doubting yourself and for Christ's sake don't see a counsellor- there is no need in mho. Hope everything works out for you!

MojoMaker

Themore emotionally involved he is with you the less he wants to f*ck you. Where's the mystery in this?

It is the polar opposite for women. The more they are invested the more they want to make love. For the OP, he has you, you're not going to cheat, you're here in his nest, the desire to f*ck has displaced itself, as it always does, onto someone/something else.

Sex isn't gone altogether, but the monkey sex has definitely gone, and that's usually what fires the first few weeks/months of your relationship as described in your very own words.

That passion won't ever come back but it may yet develop into something a lot more intimate and/or loving - if you're lucky.

LegacyUser

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I thought I had the same problem with my boyfriend at one stage, he would work and come home tired and wouldn't have sex with me for about 2 or three days (which to me is too long without sex) so, I just asked him about it and he did say that it's was purely because he was tired. Have you considered that maybe he is just too sleepy? Why not buy some sexy lingerie or something to surprise him. Worked with my fella, now he can't get enough of me.
Good luck

turbot

Perhaps you should consider exploring how to shift the conditions that influence your boyfriends sex drive.

Provided he is keen to do so; anything that:
- increases his well being (health, nutrition, fitness)
- increases his well being in relation to sex
- mitigates any resistance to sex he has with you (for example, ask him to tell you what he really likes and provide it)
- increases the amount of focus on sex he has

... is likely to send your relationship in the right direction.

Also, if you purposefully set out to create mindblowing sexual experiences for him and do so expertly, I think that will naturally end up getting his attention more.

Miss Fluff

Have a chat with him, this is all about compromise and finding a quality/quantity which satisfies you both. You might like to think about WHEN you have sex as well. Some people like nothing better than getting jiggy with it in the morning before work but find themselves too tired in the evening after a long day for example.

kayos

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Some people like nothing better than getting jiggy with it in the morning before work but find themselves too tired in the evening after a long day for example.

Morning sex rocks! No better way to start the day.

In saying that mid morning, lunch, mid afternoon, evening, night and early morning are all perfectly acceptable .

But ya if your partner is coming home tired from work let him sleep and then give him a nice alarm call in the morning.