OtherHalfs OTT temper tantrums

carlybabe1

Ok was gonna go anon for this but couldnt figure out how to so fcuk it.
Need some advice, not sure if Im blowing it out of proportion
Had a row with OH in the car yesterday. He LOST the plot and started shoutin at the top of his voice, this was in front of the kids.
Not the first time ts happened either, we were away on hols when it happened before and he done it in the middle of the street in front of other people. I was mortified :mad: Thing is he doesn't get why Im so angry about it, he reckons its a normal thing when couples argue, I DONT. To me its borderin on verbal abuse, he doesn't call me names or anythin like it (or Id be postin this from mountjoy , Im not a scissor sister, I swear)
I dont want a relationship where every row turns into a screamin match...
Am I over reactin or does anyone else agree

Marksie

Now, raised voices can and do occur. It does happen right enough.

But to see shouting as a normal part of couples arguiing... no.

It is in effect attempting to win the argument by drowning out the other voice, it is also close to bullying.

If he cannot see that, how woudl he feel about either counselling or anger management?
How often does this occur? infrequently? frequently?

Davei141

What was the row over?

LegacyUser

Is this out of character for him? Has it only happened once or twice?
If it is part of his normal behaviour then it's a warning to you that he's a bully and a bit of a control freak. Basically he's shouting you down, it's common practice to force you into submission. He's stating his position of authority and your opinion doesn't count.

There is another explanation you should explore. If it is somewhat out of character then you should consider if the guy is under a lot of stress lately. You may not be aware of this stress but a common way of venting one's frustration at a situation is to let fly at the first available opportunity. If this is the case you may be unaware of what is troubling him, there'd be no harm in offering him some comfort and asking him if everything is okay because his behaviour wasn't him.

carlybabe1

Marksie wrote: »

Now, raised voices can and do occur. It does happen right enough.

But to see shouting as a normal part of couples arguiing... no.

It is in effect attempting to win the argument by drowning out the other voice, it is also close to bullying.

If he cannot see that, how woudl he feel about either counselling or anger management?
How often does this occur? infrequently? frequently?

It has been happening more and more frequently. I find it smacks of bullying too, and i told him so, his response was that I walk away from an argument which I do, but only cause I know the temper is about to flare.
raised voices is one thing but this was deffo more extreme

Davei141 wrote: »

What was the row over?

I was gettin annoyed cause he was nit pickin at me 9 yr old for somethin she said, and she was gettin upset

carlybabe1

okayfwird wrote: »

Is this out of character for him? Has it only happened once or twice?
If it is part of his normal behaviour then it's a warning to you that he's a bully and a bit of a control freak. Basically he's shouting you down, it's common practice to force you into submission. He's stating his position of authority and your opinion doesn't count.

There is another explanation you should explore. If it is somewhat out of character then you should consider if the guy is under a lot of stress lately. You may not be aware of this stress but a common way of venting one's frustration at a situation is to let fly at the first available opportunity. If this is the case you may be unaware of what is troubling him, there'd be no harm in offering him some comfort and asking him if everything is okay because his behaviour wasn't him.

You could be right, we didnt used to fight like this and I was countin my blessings cause he was so calm and laid back. We both HATE where we live, and we can disagree on stuff with the kids. Its like he came home from one day and had left his respect for me behind
I told him today that there was no way I would have someone bully me, and we did the whole, "Im sorry" thing but its nigglin at the back of my mind that Ive said all this before and how far do I let it slide before I pack his bags. Im lost as to where to draw the line

Marksie

Is there anything going on with him that would cause him to take frustrations out like that on others?.
Seems there may be more than one issue

carlybabe1

Marksie wrote: »

Is there anything going on with him that would cause him to take frustrations out like that on others?.
Seems there may be more than one issue

I know he is under pressure with work stuff, but tbh I have my own crap, and I have had since we met, but I make a concerted effort not to dish my **** on someone else. I do love him very much but lately Im starting to wonder were these traits there and I just didnt/didnt want to see them.

Marksie

carlybabe1 wrote: »

I know he is under pressure with work stuff, but tbh I have my own crap, and I have had since we met, but I make a concerted effort not to dish my **** on someone else. I do love him very much but lately Im starting to wonder were these traits there and I just didnt/didnt want to see them.

It is worth noting that different people react to stress in different ways carlybabe1.
You may be able to handle the crap in your life in one way, he may not.

The I'm sorry may gloss over gthings for now, but you are going to have to get to the bottom of this by having a tete a tete or by third party if thats not working.

The thing is with rows and saying that its like one day a switch was flipped. Its not, there is often a very small series of triggers building up to it (it was explained to me as like little tremors before and earthquake, which never really go away).

So he may not be able to handle external influences and his outlet is those closest to him.
Don't try for the moment to deal with the past and think back to things that may not actually be there.
try dealing with the situation now and see where it leads.

It may be that this has been there and you haven't seen it, it may be that its there and there is specific set of circumstances that have set it off. Or it may be new and a reaction to things going on around.

it is unnacceptable, but you need to communicate effectively and openly to deal with this. and third party may be the way to tease things out.

So before you do anythnig too drastic, try to get to the bottom of it.

Be open to whats being said if you do get through though, don't get defensive, it may surprise you.

Wurly

Well, yes. You could walk away from the situation.

But he should take responsibility for his own behaviour.

It's ridiculous to suggest you walking away everytime he decides to throw a tantrum. It's like 'don't get in the way and you won't get hurt'.

Sit him down and tell him that firstly, it intimidates you and it embarrasses you. Secondly, it's not good for your child to be around this sort of yelling. It's terrifying for a child.

Tell him that you see it as a lack of respect. Point out that you do not speak to him this way.

Tell him that it's important that he listens to you this time. You expect him to listen as he is your partner and should care about how you feel.

I can't see how you could say it any plainer. The fact that he has shrugged it off in the past is not in. If it upsets you, then it needs to be addressed.

It may be possible that he is losing the head over a brewing resentment towards you.... If so, you need to get him to talk about this as otherwise this will get worse before it gets better. This does not excuse the behaviour btw. Like you said, you've your own stuff to deal with too.

Good luck.

carlybabe1

Cheers all, I appreciate the advice and help. Tri I have explained it to him as you suggested, I said that i thought it was a real lack of respect and that I dont want my kids growing up in this atmosphere, I did and I would rather be alone and relaxed than constantly on egg shells. We've had a good chat, and he again said that he really doesn't think that he was out of order, to which i said 'then you need to find someone with the same ideal of a relationship as you, cause frankly I wouldnt talk to a dog the way you spoke to me, and deserve better than that" I guess marksie is right I'll just have to take it from here and see how it goes. Im startin counselling myself this week so it might throw some light on the subject too

Wurly

carlybabe1 wrote: »

Cheers all, I appreciate the advice and help. Tri I have explained it to him as you suggested, I said that i thought it was a real lack of respect and that I dont want my kids growing up in this atmosphere, I did and I would rather be alone and relaxed than constantly on egg shells. We've had a good chat, and he again said that he really doesn't think that he was out of order, to which i said 'then you need to find someone with the same ideal of a relationship as you, cause frankly I wouldnt talk to a dog the way you spoke to me, and deserve better than that" I guess marksie is right I'll just have to take it from here and see how it goes. Im startin counselling myself this week so it might throw some light on the subject too

Well it appears you have done all you can do to get through to him... That's awful OP and my heart goes out to you. It's so unfair.

I hope counselling goes well for you. Best of luck.;)

Aurora Borealis

carlybabe1 wrote: »

I would rather be alone and relaxed than constantly on egg shells.

It is sheer hell to be walking on egg shells around someone for fear of them exploding and your kids will certainly pick up on it too.

I feel for you OP, I really do.