Boyfriend's Mother...

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf for just over two years and we're very very happy - I'm 21 and he's 22. Up until recently I've always gotten on well with his mam, buy her birthday presents, help her with the shopping if I'm over, I'm always inclued in family stuff etc. I've never particularly liked the way she always gave my bf a harder time than she did his older sister but at the same time I just thought ah well that's just how she is. My bf was starting a new job today - his first proper job having finished college in May. He was really excited about it - it's in the area of his degree that he was interested in and was really looking forward to it. So myself and himself went shopping for work clothes for him yesterday - we got few pais of trousers, lots of shirts and ties - there was an issue where he couldn't get a coat so his amm felt she had to go off and buy him one (that's a whole other story!) so she was already mad at him because she seemed to think he wasn't trying.

Then he got home last night and she criticised everything we'd bought - the trousers were crap, the shirts weren't the right colour, nothing matched etc etc and was shouting at him etc. She has never worked in an office... I checked with my mam who has worked in a big office of a multinational company for 10 years who confirmed with me taht everything we had bought was appropriate and worn frequently in her office. So instead of going into work feeling confident in all the stuff he'd chosen because he liked and would look well on him as well as being professional looking, he feels like **** and has no self-confidence - rom what he told me she had a right go at him for ages.

Now I just think that's totally unacceptable to do that before a big day for someone. When she loses it with him she really goes for it, is all emotionally blackmailing and everything. He just went to bed early - he has neve really stood up to her as far as I can tell, she isn't very well a lot of te time so I don't think he or his sister feel they can but my blood is boiling. I honestly don't know if I can go over there anymore and be all friendly with her or chat to her or anything... she really doesnt have experience of an office and she has hurt him loads with what she did. I also know that staying away would be very difficult because (a) he still lives at home (b) I think he'd find it difficult and (c) it's the only place we can spend the night together cause my parents are fairly strict. I don't know what to do... any advice??

Sugar Drunk

oh god your poor BF. At least now he is out and working - is there any hope of him moving out of the family home? It really would be the best solution and would get him out of that environment

BroomBurner

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend's mam, she sounds like quite the "Mammy". I think if you went and had it out with her, it might make things awkward, particularly in the long run, for yourself and your boyfriend. Instead, boost his confidence yourself, have the confidence to know you're right aswell. Also, as soon as he can afford to, I'd suggest he moves out of home.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend needs to move out and get some space. I know you're angry but there is no point in you loosing the head with his mam because that will just make her hate you. It's up to your boyfriend to grow up and take a stand.

LouOB

Stick my your BF but whatever you do
DONT GET INVOLVED

Say nothing bad against his mother EVER and dont bring up arguments he had with his mother, in conversation with her. Be nice to her but keep yourself at arms lenght.

Mary42

Sounds like he should move out as soon as possible. Don't mean this to sound in any way nasty but would she be using the fact that she's not well as emotional blackmail? She might think she can say what she likes and your bf & his sister won't say anything back. I know its awkward for you to say anything to her but would your bf's dad be able to say anything about how upset he was - it might come better from him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies - I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it was unfair, I was wondering if I was over reacting. I met my bf after work and took him out for dinner... he knows I'm mad with his mam but I'm going to try and not bring it up from now on. He had a good first day at work anyway.

It's not like she's always like this or anything I just think it was the one night she should have kept quiet even if she thought what he had bought was wrong but it would never occur to her that it would have such a big impact on him - hopefully we'll be moving in together next year - I'm going to try and stay away for the next few weeks anyway and maybe I'll have cooled down a bit. There'll be a lot of counting to 10 over the next while I'd say!

Toots

At least his first day went well. Odds are on that he probably went into the office and saw that most of the people there were wearing pretty much what he was wearing, so that'll probably make him feel better about all his stuff. Don't get involved in confrontations with his mam, that'll just make things a lot worse. Just make sure you give your BF lots of love and support over the next few weeks while he gets settled in and finds his feet.

MagicMarker

Your boyfriend sounds like a 16 year old, no 22.

He needs to really thicken up that skin of his if he looses all self confidence when his mother criticises his clothes tbh.

Pol Pot

you are describing pol pot's mother.
mothers (or people) can be like that . she prob would have picked out the same gear herself. she is annoyed cos she didn't get to pick out the items.
my mam is constantly commenting on stuff we do - I'm 31 left home 11 years ago and i still get it. I just ignore it at this stage.

I rem starting working in a bank - i was lectured on the do's and don't's by somebody who never worked in a bank or office.

It's just an incentive for your bf to move out and get his own place.

Alicat

Just a thought but if he has no other siblings, just the one older sister, maybe his mum is just panicking a bit about the last of her brood growing up and flying the nest, as they say. Also, as she has no office experience, she has no more advice to offer her son about the world he's about to enter. Maybe she felt a bit redundant, and as another poster said, had been hoping to do her bit by helping him pick out his clothes and was dismayed to find out the two of you had bought them already.

That doesn't mean she was right to shout at him like that and make him feel so bad, but she could have been a bit upset about it all.

Gyalist

I can't understand how a 22 year old man isn't capable of going on his own to sort out his work wardrobe. Looks like he will be leaving a controlling mother for a controlling girlfriend.

greenapplesea

Gyalist wrote: »

I can't understand how a 22 year old man isn't capable of going on his own to sort out his work wardrobe. Looks like he will be leaving a controlling mother for a controlling girlfriend.

That's not very fair! There is no evidence that OP is a controlling girlfriend- she's just being supportive.

I have alot of issues with my boyfriend's mother OP, including issues where she likes to tell him what to do, and he never stands up to her because he just doesn't want to upset her or rock the boat. She is constantly reminding me that I'm just a blow in (we've been going five years!) and jumps at any opportunity to put me down. She does it in a way that makes my boyfriend think she is messing but she's actually being really bitchy. To make matters worse my boyfriend's brother has a perfect wife who has done everything according to the way the mother wants it (moved counties so her precious son wouldn't have to, built a house right next door etc.) and she is always comparing the two of us and making it obvious that she prefers to spend way more time with her instead of me! We used to get on really well because I paid no heed to the things she said but it's gotten way worse now and she really is going all out to namby pamby my boyfriend as much as she can.

My advice: Like me, say nothing, not even to your boyfriend. Even if he is giving out yards to you about her. Never get involved or bring to head the situation because it will only backfire. There's times my blood would be absolutely boiling but I never mention anything- it'll only come back to bite us in the arse!

Irish Mammies..... :mad:

Gyalist

greenapplesea wrote: »

That's not very fair! There is no evidence that OP is a controlling girlfriend- she's just being supportive.

So if the mother was the person to go shopping with him would you regard that as her being supportive?

People just don't change their patterns of behaviour. A man who is used to women doing everything for him will naturally tend to gravitate towards a girlfriend who will enable this.

I have alot of issues with my boyfriend's mother OP, including issues where she likes to tell him what to do, and he never stands up to her because he just doesn't want to upset her or rock the boat. She is constantly reminding me that I'm just a blow in (we've been going five years!) and jumps at any opportunity to put me down. She does it in a way that makes my boyfriend think she is messing but she's actually being really bitchy. To make matters worse my boyfriend's brother has a perfect wife who has done everything according to the way the mother wants it (moved counties so her precious son wouldn't have to, built a house right next door etc.) and she is always comparing the two of us and making it obvious that she prefers to spend way more time with her instead of me! We used to get on really well because I paid no heed to the things she said but it's gotten way worse now and she really is going all out to namby pamby my boyfriend as much as she can.

My advice: Like me, say nothing, not even to your boyfriend. Even if he is giving out yards to you about her. Never get involved or bring to head the situation because it will only backfire. There's times my blood would be absolutely boiling but I never mention anything- it'll only come back to bite us in the arse!

Irish Mammies..... :mad:

Well, what is it about a Mammy's Boy that you find so attractive?

Karen_*

I have a son myself and I reserve the right to give out unreasonably for the rest of his life, girlfriend or no girlfriend.

OP usually his mam is sound and you get on great. Well she could have been having a bad day or feeling like crap and then went beyond reason. Or maybe although the clothes were fine in your opinion they weren't in hers and she was frettign about him on his first day in work. My son presents homework to me and he's delighted with it but I nearly collapse at the thoughts of him bringing it in because its so bad.

You're right to stay out of it and it will all blow over. And maybe if we seen a pic of what clothes he bought we might actually agree with his mother!

One thing is for sure, you can only be there for your boyfriend when he's upset but you're not married to him and therefore don't ever confront the mammy!!!

marti101

But she doesnt have the right to belittle him and ruin his first day in the job.Has she no hobbies/jobs cause as far as i can see she is in to to his life way to much.I thought it was our jobs to rear them and let them loose in to the world to reach their potential and not use them as an ego boost for when shes low.

bangersandmash

Gyalist wrote: »

So if the mother was the person to go shopping with him would you regard that as her being supportive?

Since you're rephrasing Greenapplesea's point, why not generalise it completely?

So if X was the person to go shopping with him would you regard that as him/her being supportive?

And the answer to that is yes, X is being supportive and taking an interest in the OP's life. So what? Some people enjoy clothes shopping and are good at choosing clothes. Other people have little interest or talent for it. In the latter case what's wrong with taking someone else's advice? The only problem here seems to be that the his mother doesn't seem to be able to give any useful advice on suitable work attire.

Really, some women regularly bring their friends or relatives shopping with them to receive some advice from a third party. Is it unacceptable or unmanly for a man to do this? What if a shop assistant offers advice, is that unacceptable too?

You'll often see men accompanied by their OHs in clothes shops, here and abroad. Obviously they didn't get the memo that real men only shop alone :rolleyes:

trio

That boy needs to move the hell out. And to be honest OP, I really think he should move into a houseshare for a year before he moves in with you.

He's very young and needs to live with a bunch of lads for a year. It's not a great idea for him to be leaving his Mammy's house at the age of 22/23 and going to live with his girlfriend.

You may end up feeling like another Mammy, just because he won't know any better. To put it bluntly - he needs to wash his own knickers for a while.

It'll also mean that he won't resent you in a few years time because he never got to live off on his own.

ANYWAY, that's OT, and he sounds like he's happy enough to go along with the tide, so I doubt he'd want to live independantly for a year anyway.

In this case, say nothing - as girlfriends have damn all power in this culture. Until you become his Wife, the Mammy rules all.

Karen_*

He lives in her house, he's her only son and he's 22 not 42. And even if he were 42 she's still his mother. No she doesn't have to lose it like that but people do get annoyed and upset and it tends to upset other people. Such is life. Since she's not well I doubt she has many jobs and hobbies and mothers hobbies tend to be their kids. Is she to butt out and not give her opinion or ever to get annoyed with her 22 year old baby who lives in her house?

greenapplesea

Gyalist wrote: »

Well, what is it about a Mammy's Boy that you find so attractive?

Where did I say that my boyfriend was a Mammy's Boy? His mother's behavior towards him does not make him a Mammy's Boy so assuming he is one is totally off the mark. A Mammy's Boy is a whole different kettle of fish!

BroomBurner

Karen_* wrote: »

... and mothers hobbies tend to be their kids. Is she to butt out and not give her opinion or ever to get annoyed with her 22 year old baby who lives in her house?

Irish Mammy Alert!! Parents hobbies should never BE their children, they are not play things, or dolls, whose lives you can control. Maybe when they're toddlers, but certainly not when they are adults.

OP, good to hear he had a good first day! Hopefully all will keep well and he can move out of his mother's home.

Karen_*

BroomBurner wrote: »

Irish Mammy Alert!! Parents hobbies should never BE their children, they are not play things, or dolls, whose lives you can control. Maybe when they're toddlers, but certainly not when they are adults.

A mammy a very proud one at that:p And a very unreasonable one at times too. Giving out to someone does not make them your plaything or toy. It makes you a human being. Have you never got annoyed about something or been unreasonable? Is there noone in your life you're protective of?

Oh the mammy was in the wrong for how she reacted but the cries of 'he should move out' and 'she is controlling and so is his gf' are a bit OTT for one incident when has already been stated that the woman suffers from ill-health but is usually sound. Does she not let the girlfriend stay over?

The OP was very angry and she has every right to be but no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater over once incident! Yes she shoudl have been more supportive of his first day in a job but she was in a bad mood. Get over it!:D

bangersandmash

BroomBurner wrote: »

Irish Mammy Alert!! Parents hobbies should never BE their children, they are not play things, or dolls, whose lives you can control. Maybe when they're toddlers, but certainly not when they are adults.

What you describe is certainly unhealthy, but not unique to Ireland. You'll commonly find adults in many cultures who want to live vicariously through their children, with anything from dictating what they wear to trying to control their career path or personal lives.

But as Karen says, this doesn't mean that the boyfriend's mother is one of those cases. If she's been reasonable until recently and now she's unwell, it could simply be the stress of her illness.

Glad the first day went well Soangry, sounds like the mother just needed to vent and the clothes issues got blown out of all proportion. Hopefully it won't happen again.

marti101

Karen_* wrote: »

He lives in her house, he's her only son and he's 22 not 42. And even if he were 42 she's still his mother. No she doesn't have to lose it like that but people do get annoyed and upset and it tends to upset other people. Such is life. Since she's not well I doubt she has many jobs and hobbies and mothers hobbies tend to be their kids. Is she to butt out and not give her opinion or ever to get annoyed with her 22 year old baby who lives in her house?

At 22 hes not a baby and my children are not my hobby.Its only going to get worse,better off moving out and him living on his own first,let him have that bit of independence and see where it goes from there.

Karen_*

Well will your children ever not be your children Marti? He's her child albeit a big one and he's living in her house. And yeah he should move out. When he's good and ready and not as a result of one row. And its a bit silly to suggest she wouldn't have got upset if she's had some jobs or hobbies! Is everyone else so busy with hobbies that they never get into a strop? 22 is actually very young too and not everyone that age is ready to leave home.

Timothy Bryce

It's been said already, but your b/f needs to move out ASAP. She's still treating him like a child and not the adult he should be treated as.

Once he gets some cash in his pocket from the new job, get him onto Daft to look at places. Important not to push him into it as it may seem that the women in his life are pulling him in different directions and he may feel like he can't make decisions for himself (the main problem as I see it)

marti101

Of course they will always be my children,but you have to let themgrow up and learn things themselves.Unless you have experience of your mother being like that[i have] so i speak from experience.The best thing to do is move out it will even things out an awful lot.At the end of the day its not one row obviously hes had enough,give them enough space and let his mother realise hes an adult who has opinions and dreams of his own,hes no longer her little boy.She will realise it but i think she needs to realise it first herself.

Karen_*

Its hard for mothers to let go, especially with their sons I notice.:D My own mother is much the same as the boyfriends so I do identify with how he must have felt that night. You have a point Marti, if its going on all the time then he does have to move out for his own sake. Maybe she needs some space too if she's not well. But if it was just an isolated incident then moving out seems a bit of a kneejerk reaction.

randylonghorn

trio wrote: »

That boy needs to move the hell out. And to be honest OP, I really think he should move into a houseshare for a year before he moves in with you.

He's very young and needs to live with a bunch of lads for a year. It's not a great idea for him to be leaving his Mammy's house at the age of 22/23 and going to live with his girlfriend.

You may end up feeling like another Mammy, just because he won't know any better. To put it bluntly - he needs to wash his own knickers for a while.

It'll also mean that he won't resent you in a few years time because he never got to live off on his own.

ANYWAY, that's OT, and he sounds like he's happy enough to go along with the tide, so I doubt he'd want to live independantly for a year anyway.

In this case, say nothing - as girlfriends have damn all power in this culture. Until you become his Wife, the Mammy rules all.

Might be partially OT, trio, but it's damn good advice.