Sex Advice...

greenapplesea

Hi guys- can anybody advise me on this?
I've been seeing my boyfriend for over five years and lately have gotten the impression that he doesn't want sex as much. If he does want it, we always do it but when I try initiate lately he doesn't seem to be interested. He's not mean in the way he says he doesn't want it, it's usually just down to tiredness etc. It's been over two weeks since we've last had sex. We don't live together but he stays over 2-3 nights a week so obviously I'd like to make the most of seeing him. I've recently put on a stone- is this what is causing him to not want sex do you think?

biko

Maybe, it's hard to say. Most likely it's A) long term couple don't go at it like bunnies anymore or temporary because stress at work and tiredness.

Gone Drinking

My girlfriends put on weight since we started going out, and as with other girlfriends.. i've never noticed. I'd love to say its because i can see past her looks but honestly, its probably because i spend so much time with her. I honestly doubt you putting on weight has put him off sex.

Is he working overtime or something? He probably is genuinely tired.

RubyXI

I'd agree that he probably is tired. I would also say it's possible that as ye've been together a while, maybe he's just got out of the habit of making an effort. And in relationships you have to make an effort to make it work. Just my opinion.

greenapplesea

phi3 wrote: »

I'd agree that he probably is tired. I would also say it's possible that as ye've been together a while, maybe he's just got out of the habit of making an effort. And in relationships you have to make an effort to make it work. Just my opinion.

I agree, I think relationships take a constant effort from both people (in the bedroom too) and I just feel that he's gone too lazy to make this effort. When he doesn't want to do it I've gone past the point of being understanding and now I just kind of get embarrassed and go to sleep. I hate fighting with him because he is a brilliant boyfriend but I'm just tired of feeling like he doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore.

Marksie

I am gathering that you have tried to initiate and he has not responded?

Have you talked to him openly about it? Best approached , not in "the why haven't you", but in the " I feel, that". It would probably make him less defensive about opening up.

Now The saying that if you want your lover to ebcome an ecstatic lover, become one yourself, is one i hold too. In other words use paths and processes to draw himj back into where you are rather than leaving him to his own devices and feeling to embarassed to actually continue or show him what he is missing.

But generally both have to be open to the idea.
It is a very common issue that couples in long term relationships tend to become lazy and complacent. Which left in check can be come a real killer.

You then often hear the complaints of i wish i had the spark back or I want things as they were.
But things do change and making an effort is what stops this happening.
But while understanding the psychology af it, the reasonings and the whys, work, laziness, or whatever. Practically you do need to do something

It can simply be taking time out to rediscover each other in the first place, setting aside times, not just for sex, but for rebuiling or enhancing initmacy, setting spaces, allowing each other to be present with each other. Continuing to learn and develop. Not adding "spice" but going back and relearning. and BOTH making the effort and sticking to it, to take time out from any busy schedule.

I guess most posters who have been around PI for a long time, would be used to me talking about this, and it coming from a tantra perspective. But its not, at ist simplest about enhancing skills but about connection.
Of course the first person yuo connect to is yourself op (and thias is where the become one yourself comes in, as once you are connected, open, energetic and sexual..it really shows). Then coming from that position you can be more able to ask for, and show what you want.
The aim therefore being.. to deliberately set aside time for exploring sexuality and yourselves in a specific dedicated environment (changing the bedroom together for example). Which both sets a particular mood, and also says that now sex and ourselves as a couple are not something to be squeezed in between switching the telly off and bed, or any other part of the routine. But its now part and parcel of who we are, be kept separate from another chore to do or something to do when you cannot think of anything better.

Edit: I noticed your quote from emily Dickinson. That is the pure essence of what i am talking about. So OP, make it more than a quote and an actuality and take it further..make living in the senses both the joy and the ecstacy