have i lost a wonderful man??

2dreamy

I can't believe I spent the last hour writing my post, then tried to post it and it told me my time was up and it lost everything!!!!! Very annoying. Maybe the post was too long anyhow.

I'll start again.
My boyfriend and I of 3 years broke-up last week. When we met we fell madly in love and he was more than I ever dreamed of. He was my perfect man, and I am a very fussy person! My family and friends loved him. He was a real catch- couldn't believe it! I had the fairytale idea of relationships, and for the first year it was. When I moved into his house, things became less fairytale and I realised the man of my dreams was less than perfect, and he the same. I found it hard to accept his faults, and him mine. We broke up but got back together as we hated being apart. I bagan to learn that no-one and no relationship was going to be perfect and would be hard work. This was stupidly new to me. I was a romantic. He is very sensitive and gets upset about things very easily, I took this personally and in turn didn't help him. I became defensive as couldn't understand why he would be getting upset over such silly little things. I am so defensive and was unable to say sorry. I felt saying sorry for something I believed I didn't do would be compromising my whole being. I only know now, although too late, that this is not so.
We only ever broke up when in a heated argument as he would be looking for an apology but I wouldn't see why and just became extremely frustrated and defensive with him and couldnt deal with it. This pushed us into breaking up.
Although, there have been many reasons why we argued, and not only because of me. I just feel now, only since I have been removed from the situation, that I see it more clearly and the reasons things happened.
I know I am not completley responsible for our break-up, there were other things I was unhappy with, I feel guilty and sorry I didn't try harder.
He is a wonderful guy with many great traits and he loved me very much and tried very hard at our relationship. I just felt when he was upset with me (alot) that it was because he wasn't happy and was frustrated with me. But he is just a sensitive needy soul that needs re-assurane and lots of priase and thanks- that I wasn't giving him enough of.
I now know I need to change my defensiveness and become more apolgetic...would this make him less upset with me, as it shows I care? I feel things have now gone so far, that he has now made his mind up as he knows it can't work anymore if I continue to be like that, although he does know he has work to do on himself too!
I am worried I have lost someone I love dearly and whom I know loves me, due to my stubborn defensiveness and his neediness. Two things that we both have to change.
Should I let him go?? It feels like such a waste.
help please...if you have managed to stay awake reading this!!

carlybabe1

It sounds to me like you may be compromising yourself a wee bit. Everybody in a relationship needs to learn to say sorry, even if you feel your not in the wrong i.e "Im sorry baby" "yeah, Im sorry too", but most importantly, you both have to accept each others faults, or you will forever be breaking up. This goes for him as much as you...If you feel that hes your soul mate then by all means its worth another shot. Maybe relationship counsellin would help

Dizzyblonde

I'm not sure if it's the way I'm interpreting your post, but he sounds very needy..as though you have to keep reassuring him and apologising. How would someone like him react if you were to have a baby in the future and couldn't give him all the attention he seems to need?
Forgive me if I'm wrong but this is the vibe I'm getting from your post.

Victor

2dreamy wrote: »

I now know I need to change my defensiveness and become more apolgetic...

Three words: Passive - Assertive - Agressive

You need to find an assertive middle ground "You are important, but so am I".

You also need to work out why you feel so defensive.

LolaLuv

Sounds like you lost a man, not really a wonderful one. You definitely romanticized him in the beginning. It just sounds like you're not compatible, and that's alright. Onward and upward!

2dreamy

Yes....it does sound like he comes across as needy, which he is. But he is also an incredibly handsome, tall, confident, self-assured, intelligent and loving man.
When do you let the bad overshadow all the good??? I worry that there are not many good men like him out there and I'll lost him. I want to settle down, him too. I'm 29 and he 34.

Dizzyblonde

Looks fade, but this sort of neediness only gets worse. It's not a case of the bad overshadowing the good, it's a case of finding the middle ground and being with someone who gives as well as takes. You can't spend your life trying to please someone and holding a feather under their chin - it's got to be 50-50.
You're only 29 - don't rush into anything for the wrong reasons.
And yes, there are lots of good men out there who will love you as you are.

2dreamy

Thanks for the advice, ya looks do fade!!
But he is very giving, and very supportive but he felt I didn't give enough. I probably could of given more, but felt at the time I would never be able to give him enough- so that held me back to giving....does that make sense??!!!!
x

LouOB

2dreamy wrote: »

When do you let the bad overshadow all the good???

When you know that he is worth the effort and he is the person you want to be with at the end of the day
Because if you dont honestly think he is worth your time, effort or appreciates it -LEAVE. Am sure you will find someone else who will see your self worth

chickenhawk

2dreamy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, ya looks do fade!!
But he is very giving, and very supportive but he felt I didn't give enough. I probably could of given more, but felt at the time I would never be able to give him enough- so that held me back to giving....does that make sense??!!!!
x

Well you shouldn't have held back. It might have worked out if you had given all you felt. But maybe it is better it ended now than later when people would end up getting hurt.

If you feel you have more to give him tell him and let him decide whether he wants you back.

Marksie

2dreamy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, ya looks do fade!!
But he is very giving, and very supportive but he felt I didn't give enough. I probably could of given more, but felt at the time I would never be able to give him enough- so that held me back to giving....does that make sense??!!!!
x

OP that particular behaviour type is known as Obliging. He was giving and giving and the expectation is that you were going to give back as much, if not more in return.

At wild guess he would bring this up when he felt that he wasn't getting what he gave?
There is no way really you could have done it and with obliging types you do feel that no matter hwat you do its never enough.

and yes it fits in with what others have said as regards the needy, clinging insecure type. He may COME ACROSS as handsome etc etc. (majority physical aspects) but his actions speak louder than words... his loving is, as i mentioned the obliging personality type.

So those are his issues, how to change and be more accepting and open and really aware of himself.

BUT there are always two people in it.

and you have listed a whole pile of personality traits in yourself that need to be adressed.

fussiness, perfectionist, defensiveness, sensitive, stubborn.

and the answer is not to switch from defensive to apologetic.
The answer is to look at your own attitude to the relationship... to be honest you seem to be in a fairyland about the whole thing..which of course was facilitated by his obliging "giving" nature. But wasn't suited to the fact that his nature was a blind for his needy clingyness.
Really at 29 you are learning, but in this instance you both need to look at yourselves first then at the relationship and see where one facilitated the other in negative ways which has lead to this.

2dreamy

Thank you and everyone for the advice...it all helps and makes sense.
It is right that we need to look at ourselves and that is what I am doing at the moment, I need to figure out why I get defensive etc.

It feels that if we could both 'fix' ourselves then the relationshio would work. Is that conditional love???.....'if you change I will love you'. I know I shouldn't want to change someone I love, but these changes are needed to make any relationship work. I will always love him, but find it too hard the way it is...the way we are. But we are also great together and compatible in lots of ways.

I'm probably confusing you all, but I am utterly confused myself! I'm confused about what love is and should be.

Karen_*

I think you're just finding it hard to let go of the relationship. Thats perfectly natural by the way but you need to accept that the relationship didn't work and move on.

If you try to change yourself to be what someone else wants then they will just keep changing the goal posts. He should love you as you are, warts and all. Because of your defensiveness and his neediness the relationship didn't work you say. So you're incompatible.

Take some time out now and work on issues which you feel hold you back in life. But never try to change yourself to fit in with someone else. It won't work and you'll waste more time and tears.

You had hopes and dreams and its hard to accept that they came to nothing. How could you have been wrong when things felt so right at first? Every single person who's had a break up feels that way. It doesn't mean the person was right for them. It just means it really hurts that its over.

He's not perfect and you're not perfect and neither of you has done anything terrible but you just don't fit. And just be cause you're not right for each other doesn't mean the break up is going to be painless. But you really will do damage to each other by setting conditions on each other. You'll never be good enough for someone who expects you to change your personality.

Marksie

Karen_* wrote: »

But you really will do damage to each other by setting conditions on each other.

I so agree with this. But it is for many a hard concept to grasp that you can love someone or be friends with someone with out expectations or conditions.
Its something i try to live by, and on the whole it works, but that damn societal conditioning gets in the way at times lol.
But its when teh realtionship is predicated that you have to be a certain way, do a certain thing, or even that in giving something like her OH its with the expectation that its returned.... the results of whihc we have read here

Karen_* wrote: »

You'll never be good enough for someone who expects you to change your personality.

However, change is good, but changed should not come from another but from yourself in recognsing aspects you wish to change.

Just some thoughts for you OP