Opinions please

LegacyUser

I never thought I'd find myself posting here, but here goes. I won't go into too much personal details as I do not wish to be recognised.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We are both in our late 30's. I suppose we are reasonably happy, although our relationship could be described as a little volatile. My wife has a lot of issues from her childhood that affect her confidence and other aspects of her character.

We have 2 kids, both aged under 7. We had some difficulty having children but both are perfectly healthy. I have a well paying job that I enjoy and my wife is a homemaker.

I was recently diagnosed with a non-life threatening medical condition. One of the effects of the condition is extreme tiredness. I have difficultly in going to work most days because of the tiredness, but I obviously need to so that we can financially survive. All I can do most days is go to work and rest/relax when I come home. The medical profession cannot tell me how long this is going to last.

My wife has wanted another child for a while now. If we were both in the fullness of health I suppose I wouldn't mind too much, although I find our existing 2 a bit of a handful at times. Anyway, she announced this evening that if I didn't agree to having another child that she wanted a separation so she could start a family with someone else before it was too late.

There is no way that I could cope with another child at the moment. TBH, I don't think my wife could either. She has been quite jealous lately whenever she sees a pregnant woman and is also worried about how old she looks. In my opinion she looks fantastic but I suppose she has heard me tell her this so often that its means little to her now.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't really know how I would survive (financially or otherwise) if we separate. I don't even know if I can continue to work, let alone support 2 households.

LegacyUser

I think you should have another child. If you dont and you leave it at two children, you'll always wonder what your third child would have been like. Whatever you do, don't separate. I think you should have the third child. You will definately make ends meet and it will be worth it in the end.

LegacyUser

ppppe wrote: »

You will definately make ends meet and it will be worth it in the end.

Its not really about making ends meet - at least not at present. All my energy at the moment is spent trying to go to work - I just wouldn't be able to cope with another child. My wife has had difficult pregnancies, puking for 9 months literally. There is no reason to expect that another one would be any different.

Obviously if I can't continue to work, then the financial problems would start. It would be bad enough with 2 kids, let alone 3.

humanji

I think you're right to not want another child at the moment. Sit down with your wife and talk it over. Let her know that you simply can't cope with another child and to give it time until you're recovered before you discuss having one.

herya

I think it's unreasonable of your wife to push for a 3rd child right now, it's not like you have no children at all. Your condition is not only causing you stress, it may undermine family finances and you should really let the situation stabilise before you decide to expand the family.

And what's this about the separation in order to have a family? Doesn't she have a family of 2+2 already? Is the 3rd child the real source of the problem, or could it be something else (her insecurity caused by age, other marriage problems which she hopes to solve by having another baby)?

If she thinks so little of the first two, that she is so easily prepared to shatter their home and diminish their relationship with their father.
Why would you subject a third of your offspring to her parenting.

MagicMarker

I think your wife needs to be a little bit more sympathetic to your needs.

How exactly is she going to survive on her own with 2 kids to look after and no job? Not to mention how she's going to go about finding another man to father a kid and also contribute to a household containing two kids that are not his own.

I think she's being incredibly selfish giving you an ultimatum like that. Personally, i wouldn't stand for it.

kmart6

ppppe wrote: »

I think you should have another child. If you dont and you leave it at two children, you'll always wonder what your third child would have been like. Whatever you do, don't separate. I think you should have the third child. You will definately make ends meet and it will be worth it in the end.

He's not the one who wants the third kid,it's his wife! So at the moment he'd have nothing to look back at and regret!

marti101

I was like that im 35 and had 2 boys,then ifound out i was pregnant and i wanted to be on the first boat.My partner was seriously freakedbut now hes here i wouldnt change him,you have to weigh up whats important.Can you sit down and say in 2 years we will have another baby or do you think in your heart that 2 is enough.My op is much more involved than he was on the other 2.Plus if you have a medical condition thats causing you tiredness you will have to cut back your working time.Im presuming your wife looks after the children anyhow so on that score i dont see the problem is.Bring your wife to the doc and see if theres anything medical,rule that out and then see how you feel in 2 years.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, folks.

As herya said, I think a lot of her desire for another baby is because of her age. Do all women feel like that at this age? It may also have something to do with our difficulty in having the first 2.

I don't think its anything to do with our other marriage problems - not that there are that many, I think. My wifes opinion may differ on this as she is incredibly insecure.

I don't think her wanting another baby is going to go away. I am worried that even if we do survive in the short term that it may become an even bigger issue when she can no longer have kids.

0utpost31

We're not talking about a packet of taytos here or a new car, it's a new human being you'll be bringing into the world. It involves at least 18 years of hard work and don't forget your medical condition.

If you feel this way, don't have a child. Imagine how ****ed up it's life would be if it isn't wanted by one parent.

merryhappy

Your health is the most important thing right now, you didn't say what it is that is wrong with you but maybe you could do a bit of research and find a support group were you could chat to other people with the same illness as you and ask their advice.

If you have another baby and continue working full-time the added stress will more then likely make your illness worse.

Take care of yourself.

Sugar Drunk

your wife is being incredibly selfish. she seems unconcerned about your illness and only about what she wants. whats the obsession with having a third child? she already has two?!
after 15 years of marraige I would hope your wife would be more concerned for your health and well being than for trying to being another mouth to feed into the equation! The fact that she is considering leaving you is shocking has she no understanding that you are working despite being sick so that you can provide for you and the kids? If she did leave you it might be a wake up for her to try get a job while minding two kids by herself and also trying to find a guy to father another while not minding that she has two by someone else.

OP the issue here is not about kids its about the fact that your wife seems to care feck all about your health and your wants and needs and is prepared to leave you just because she has not got her own way.

not yet

Moonbaby wrote: »

If she thinks so little of the first two, that she is so easily prepared to shatter their home and diminish their relationship with their father.
Why would you subject a third of your offspring to her parent

ing.

100% spot on.......if your wife could want a seperation over this what else is around the corner, it seems really selfish of her to insist on this.

LegacyUser

In my wifes defence, I would say it hasn't been easy for her over the past few months due to me being unwell.

The issue of a third child had arisen before my recent illness but I suppose I didn't address it. I have been unwell for several years but I could lead a reasonably normal life up to my recent problem. I have no idea how long my exhaustion will last, or if it will ever get better.

My wife isn't exactly in 100% health either due to quite a lot of minor problems. I just don't see how we would cope with another child at this time. Obviously she is worried that it will be too late in the not too distant future to try for another. I really don't understand her desire for a third. It has become almost an obsession. Her ultimatum last night was triggered by the (apparent) pregnancy of a neighbour.

If we do separate, then I will be obliged (morally and legally) to provide a home for her and our children. I presume that I will also have to provide her with maintenance (in addition to the kids). I am mad about our kids and I think a separation would devastate them.

We have had a lot of ups and downs over the years. I suppose hindsight is great, but we should probably have separated a long time ago before we had kids. I believe my wife is unhappy in our marriage, although she does go through periods of reasonable contentment. I probably haven't been the greatest husband over the years - no violence, infidelity, drinking etc on my part, just that I was more a 20th century than a 21st century man if you know what I mean. I have always worked and done the "manly" things around the house, but I was never much of a "house husband", which bothers my wife greatly. She knows a lot of separated women and has often said that she thinks they have a better life than she as they get weekends off etc whereas she gets no break. She has had treatment for depression in the past but I think the basic problem has never been addressed i.e her difficulties with an abusive parent. There is no doubt but that some of her problems are my fault but I don't think I've been all that bad. I tried to be understanding but sometimes I just can't fathom her.

I don't really know what to do. I love her dearly and fancy her to bits. Our kids are great, even if they are a bit of a handful. Although I am on a reasonable wage, I don't think I could support 2 households.

P.S. It feels great to write all this down. I am a very private person have never told anyone about our troubles. It feels great to actually get it out.

herya

The boards are great for letting it off your chest. I hope we can help a little or at least listen to you, it's a tough situation to be in!

To me it looks like your disagreement is not about the baby at all but about your wife's insecurities, probably having to do with her age, her feeling of losing her looks and/or health etc. For her the new baby seems to be a way to validate her youth and fertility but what if the validation never comes, will she want another baby soon? If she stayed at home to be a homemaker while you were out working she might also feel inadequate socially and/or professionally, so she wants to revert to the role in which she feels she's good, the one of a mother.

Just a couple of quick thoughts re: what you said about your "traditional husband" aka Victorian gent role in your relationship... Is there a chance that she perceives you as the tower of strength and simply cannot comprehend that you have your fears and insecurities too (about your condition and your job)? Is she well aware of the family finances and the restrictions your situation requires? Could she be in denial with regard to your condition and its consequences? Do you have family members or friends she could talk to who could try and present your point of view to her?

Added: Oh and if she's longing for some free weekends why not to try and give them to her if you can arrange it?

LegacyUser

herya wrote: »

If she stayed at home to be a homemaker while you were out working she might also feel inadequate socially and/or professionally, so she wants to revert to the role in which she feels she's good, the one of a mother?

She never really enjoyed work so I don't think she misses that - although she does miss the gossip etc.

herya wrote: »

Just a couple of quick thoughts re: what you said about your "traditional husband" aka Victorian gent role in your relationship... Is there a chance that she perceives you as the tower of strength and simply cannot comprehend that you have your fears and insecurities too (about your condition and your job)? Is she well aware of the family finances and the restrictions your situation requires? Could she be in denial with regard to your condition and its consequences? Do you have family members or friends she could talk to who could try and present your point of view to her?

Maybe I made myself out to be some kind of caveman, but thats not the case. Well, I don't think it is anyway! When we first got married, I used to do quite a lot of the housework, probably more than my wife. I used to do all the cooking. But over the years, especially since she stopped working, I have done less and less. We both have equal access to all of our money and she is well aware of our financial situation.

I don't really want to involve family or friends in this. I don't believe it would help, in any event. She does get free time - probably more than me - but I believe she thinks my time at work without the kids is "free" for me. I have never really worked long hours and obviously I can't now with my health problems.

I am coming pretty close at this stage to agreeing with her about a seperation. The more I think about it, the more I believe she will never be happy in our marriage. In fact, I don't believe she will ever be happy in any relationship or marriage. But she is probably entitled to find out. As with all breakups, its the kids will suffer most, which is the last thing I want.

trio

I think at the very least before you decide on anything - you should ask for a compromise - you'll consider a child if, and only if, she first attends a few months of marriage counselling with you.

Because two things are pretty obvious. You both desperately need marriage counselling as you're both not really communicating that well at all, and also, as you said this 3rd child problem is not really going to go away. Counselling will address it in depth, and maybe she'll realise that she's wanting it for perhaps the wrong reasons.

She is also of course reacting to your stonewalling in an entirely inappropriate and reckless way. She's proposing to break up your home, wrench your kids into a traumatic situation, go out and meet some guy (not easy in your late 30's with 2 small kids) and persuade him to have a child with her. And since she has had fertility problems, keep on trying for a baby for quite a while until she succeeds. This is a hugely tall order. Where is this Perfect Prince Charming going to appear from? However attractive she is, she's much more likely to seperate and be single for quite a long time.

But perhaps that's what she really wants? Just to be gone? And the baby thing - though I suspect she really wants it right now - is just a subconscious excuse?

Put it this way - plenty of couples have dodgy years where everything is stressful and hard. But they don't pull out the "Well then I'll leave you" threat. I remember seeing an episode of Dr. Phil (don't laugh) where this wife was constantly threatening the husband with divorce during arguments and Dr. P said that in 30 years, he and his wife had never pulled out "the divorce card" - no matter how bad an argument got. The reason? The idea of divorce, however hypothetical, simply never occurred to them.

It has plainly occurred to your wife, for her to threaten you seriously with it. I think this alone would make counselling essential.

She may refuse counselling, or maybe you had it in the past and it didn't work - but I think that when a partner recognises the danger and STILL refuses marital counselling, then I'm afraid you have your answer. They don't want to fix it.

Pigletlover

Op your wife is being incredibly selfish. She seems to have some issues but needs to realise that having a baby isn't going to make everything ok. She's prepared to just up and leave if she doesn't get her own way, having another child sounds like a really bad idea to me.

Golferx

IMO, the wife sounds like an idiot. She wants a third child to satisfy some craving, and is prepared to destroy the family unit to achieve that.

What kind of man is she hoping to meet to impregnate her? Some clown who has no issue taking her and her two children under his wing? Will this sperm donor pay for the upkeep of her and his child? Or will the OP be expected to pay for this too?

If she walks out the door she should not be entitled to a single penny more than it costs to feed and cloth the children. She should be expected to earn her share of the costs. Why should an abandoned father be expected to pay for her fantasy?


The wife, in this case, needs serious counselling. Start with that and move forward.