Impossible child

babyboom

I know this sounds awful but my middle child, a boy who is nearly 8, has become almost impossible to live with. His behaviour has been very "challenging" almost since he was born but seems to be getting worse in the last year. Outside of our home, he is the kindest, gentlest, most lovable child you could meet. I couldn't tell you the number of awards he's had home from school for good behaviour, class mate of the week, best friend awards etc. All of the parents in our estate love him and tell me how well behaved he is in their houses and all the kids seem to love him too. But he is like a totally different child at home. He'll take a notion that he doesn't like a certain situation and have the mother and father of all tantrums. He screams, slams doors, hits me and my husband, hits his siblings, breaks things, kicks things etc. There is absolutely no reasoning with him at all and when he does finally calm down he cannot see what he has done wrong.

I have an appointment to see a psychologist about him in a couple of weeks but I am dreading it because he tends to close up when dealing with adults he doesn't know and just wont co-operate. He was attending speech therapy up to a few months ago as he is unable to pronounce his "r"s but they had to stop as he refused to go in the last few sessions and wouldn't speak or make eye contact with the therapist. He has also been recently diagnosed as severely dyslexic and, while the educational psychologist was talking to me before the assessment he spent the whole time kicking me. When I left it took her two hours to coax him into the room to assess him but once he actually started the assessment she said he was very co-operative and friendly.

Sorry for such a long post but I just wondered does anyone out there have a child similar to mine and if so how do you deal with them. I am at my wits end. We've just had an incident where he didn't want to come in for his dinner so he came inside and tried to thrash the house. Please, if anyone can give me any insight as to what's going on in his mind I would be very grateful.

needadvice

That post has left me somewhat speechless. How tired I mean really tired you must be. He has to have a reason stick to the councelling like glue so long as you have good feedback about the psychologist he's got huge anger and you may get to the root of it this way. School may be a massive problem for him.

Good luck.

lostinnappies

could I suggest a reward chart. Not only will it help reinforcing positive behaviour but also by taking points away from the chart it will show him that there are consequences for bad behaviour. Plus if you use pictures instead of words (draw a happy face, or picture of a chore) he will be less frustrated because of the dyslexia.

His behaviour sounds to me like frustration. He is frustrated that he is having these difficulties and his only way to vent is to go nuts. Having you tried listening to him .... im not being smart or condescending in anyway. I mean really listening to him, when his behaviour starts to go south there are usually signs before hand, you can hear it in his voice or see it in his face. Take him someplace quite, sit down so you are at his eye level, and let him talk. Never say, I understand but...... never try to show him the error of his way because you are (to him) then telling him he is wrong. Listen to what he says, repeat it to him ... "you are feeling sad and upset because you think we don’t let you do (whatever). Once he has gotten it ALL out. simply say "how can we make it better" allow him to come up with a solution (this helps him realise he can learn to solve his own problems). If its something you don’t want him to do, or cant do then simply say "is there any other way we could solve the problem because I think there might be a better way" etc, im sure you get what I mean.
I hoped this helped a little, btw my brother was very similar, I was the only one he would listen to and could get him to do what my parents wanted him to do. This is how I did it.:)

babyboom

Thanks for the replies guys. The problem with him is that there is no prior warning. For example, yesterday he was on his way back to our house having played with his friend all morning, his friend was having dinner so he was sent home. He was fine until we said his dinner was ready too. Out of nowhere he started yelling in my face, trying to knock his younger brother of his chair, kicking and punching me and his dad. Eventually we put him in the back garden (as he was trying to wreck the house) for a few minutes to calm down, he then proceeded to get a garden chair and bang it off the window in an attempt to smash it!

I did reward charts and I got a jar of marbles. Everytime he ate his dinner without moaning, did his homework or just got through the day without causing any disruption I put a marble in his jar. Each marble was worth 20c and at the end of the week if he was good he had a good bit of pocket money to spend on himself. If he misbehaved a marble was removed from the jar. It worked for one week. The next week, when he did something naughty, I told him I was removing a marble and he said he didn't care, tipped over the jar with all the marbles in it and said he wasn't interested in it any more and didn't want or care about losing his money. He's just so frustrating. I'm hoping the psychologist will be able to help us next week. I've already done a parenting course, been to the Mater Child Guidance etc. but no-one has been able to get through to him. Its just so frustrating and upsetting for us and his brother and sister. To top it all my youngest has a developmental delay and can be quite a handful, he is also starting to copy the bad behaviour so the two of them together make quite a team!

Thanks again for taking time to reply. I think I just need to type it out in order to relieve some of the frustration.

Dfens

Yes, hopefully the psychologist will be able to shed some light on how your son is feeling & be able to help. I feel that you should stick with the psychologist route, especially if your son does not cooperate straight away, as you mentioned that his behaviour was always a bit challenging but seems to have gotten worse recently.

What age is your youngest boy & did your eldest son's behaviour get any worse with his delay diagnosis? It must be very worrying that your youngest is starting to copy his older brother now, could the psychologist give you any advice on how to handle this situation also.

littlebitdull

I feel your pain!! My son was like that, especially the street angel house devil bit. At least you have that to comfort you, and it can indeed be a comfort.

My DS is older, but believe me when I say we have been there done that and washed the tee shirt many many times. Funnily enough he is also dsylexic - which must be stressful for them?

He has come through the otherside of it now, and his behaviour is miles better than it was, perhaps his hormones have leveled - to be honest I dont have any other reasoning behind it.

About the only advice I can give you is to start a system of time out, get a timer, if nothing else this will give you a bit of breathing space to keep yourself sane. Try to place him in a safe place, we have a hallway which I use (I have a nine yr old with similar tantrums ...) I am not sure how much it helps her, but it stops me losing my temper!! And I find the chance to keep myself away from her works great for me.

I have also found the reward chart system great over the years - but I would caution against removing the marbles - its discouraging for them to lose something they feel they earned. Instead when he misbehaves remind him of what he could have earned.

And I second the simply listening ... dont offer solutions/advice .. just repeat back what he has said in a different manner. I have tried this with mine and its great ...not always easy to remember when they are fighting with you. There have been times - during the calm moments - when I have taken him out for coffee/icecream so that we are in a neutral space to have a chat with him.

lostinnappies

poor pettle, big hugs all round. I really hope you get the support you need soon cos it sounds to be so frustrating and upsetting all at the same time.

Oryx

Wow. Seeing your post has made me feel better, Ive been at my wits end sometimes with my son, 5. He has similar fits of temper where he screams and kicks and slaps, and you simply cannot reason with him. Ive lost count of the number of times hes told me he hates me. I often say hes 5 going on 15 because he behaves like a stroppy teenager. Rewards and/or removal of treats doesnt work, he says he doesnt care, (and will sneak to the kitchen late at night and steal treats anyway). Most of his toys are broken because if he cant get them to work the way he wants he will destroy them in a fit of temper.

He can be the most loving boy, but only when things are going totally his way. He cries easily and is extremely sensitive. He has been like this since about 18 months, and I assumed it was normal till my daughter came along and was completely different. He is also very jealous of her, and hurts her often when Im not watching. His biggest and most worrying problem is that he is deliberately incontinent, it seems almost as a protest, I dont know.

Up to now Ive been dealing with him day by day and hoping things will improve. Especially when you get a string of good days and you think the worst is over. Ive wondered if its me, in how I deal with him, Ive tried dealing with his behavoiur in so many different ways, I even wonder if thats confused him. Nothing has helped except temporarily.

But Im beginning to resign myself to looking for professional help. And in spite of knowing its the right thing, I feel like a failure. All in all he is a great boy and I hate that he has this difficult and highly strung personality to cope with.

mountain

hi OP,

that sounds so difficult and wearing for you.

Just to sugget something a different soloution for you, have you considered using a Cranial Osteopath?

They can have great success with treating children, balancing things out in a child, releasing energy,
think about a visit to one. If you are in Cork, i would recommend Theresa Kellys practice.

Hope this helps.

wada

i have an 8 year old girl turn 9 next week, shes like that but dose not wreak the house has done damage to her room and kicks me, she is a diabetic for the last year and a half her first sibling arrived when she was turning six then another whrn she was 7 she fights with them all the time and i think sometimes she hates them. she is being reffered to a phycologist by her diabetic team as she showed her attitude to them when she was hospitalised for her diabetes 3 weeks ago.

that was the first time she showed an attitude to anyone outside the family. she is also kind and loving and giving to anyone who is not in the family.

reward chart did not work for her. she is not having a 9th birthday party next week because of her atttitude since i said no party she has stopped shouting at me.

no offence ment when i ask could your boy have a mild case of autisim, sometimes it is linked to dyslexia and with him being angry all the time.

if he does not have mild autisim then prehaps he is a very angry child the pycologist should be able to help, our daughter is a very angry child and it got worse since having the boys, hope the phycologist can help her because she out of control.

good luck

Nevyn

I've had my son behave in simular way, it's like what ever has upset him he bottles it up until he is home feeling safe and then starts acting out.

It's been a case of heading it off at the pass, talking to him and listening before he gets all wond up. The reward system didn't last for very long with him either, soon it was the he didn't care about it and was to clever to play ball unless it was something he really, really wanted.

Does he know the different emotions he is feeling, can he say I am dissapointed, or frustrated/angery cos I am disapointed ?
Can he say where those feelings are coming from and express them ?

babyboom

No he can't always identify feelings and that might be part of the problem. He just seems to get so angry over the tiniest of things. This morning it was because his older sister told him to be careful with his cereal because it was spilling everywhere. She didn't shout at him, just said be careful. He let rip at her, with gritted teeth and told her he wanted to kill her. Then he started telling the 4 year old to hurt her. I couldn't wait to see him go to school this morning to be honest because he just puts a black cloud over the house sometimes. Every morning, without fail, he'll start an argument, go into a huff, slam a few doors and scream at us all. Then he'll walk out the front door and his other personality comes out. All smiles, gentle, funny, caring. Its so unfair on the other two kids. The youngest was terrified this morning because of the way he was acting and his almost 11 year old sister was in tears before school which just isn't fair on her at all.

wada

i tell you what i used to get a thinck leather belt accross the bare backside - that was just for something small.

cant tell you to do that cause its against the law - but i tell you i never raised a word to my parents or even thought of hitting out at them.

its a hard situation ur in sounds like a lot of underlying problems. he wont tell you but maybe a favorite uncle or close family friend he could talk to.

if he is anything like mine he will just shrug and ignore the question. your not a lone a few people out there suffer like you do. again specalist help is probably your only answer.

b3t4

It's very easy to say the child is 'impossible' but harder again to look at yourself and realise that your parenting could potentially be part of the problem.

Every child is differet but when I was a child I would of been very similar to your child. The reason I was a nightmare was because I had a very bad relationship with my mother. When I got home I would be very frustrated as I had nobody to talk to. When it came to my mother it always felt like that no matter what I did I was in the wrong. I spent a good majority of my life trying to please my mother to no avail. Everything else in my life was quantifiable. If I was good in school I got good results/awards/praise from the teacher. When I got home the only thing anyone would concentrate on was the negative.

I think that ignoring the bad behaviour and responding very positively to the good behaviour is one course of action you could take. It's no quick fix and will be very tough to do but your child is simple looking for a bit of love and attention. You has a parent can help them to deal with their emotions by listening to them.

Thaedayl suggestion of recognising when something is up with them before they explode and speaking with them is very good.

A.

luckat

I've been thinking about this little guy, powerless and angry in a family, and feeling really sad for him.

TargetWidow

b3t4 wrote: »

I think that ignoring the bad behaviour and responding very positively to the good behaviour is one course of action you could take. It's no quick fix and will be very tough to do but your child is simple looking for a bit of love and attention. You has a parent can help them to deal with their emotions by listening to them.
A.

I had a brother with similar problems and can identify with the suggestion that a parent that focuses on the negative can create a sense of apathy towards consequences in a child. That was me as a kid. I thought oh well, I never get any credit for the good stuff (I did but I chose to focus on the negative too much too!) so I wont bother being good. Also I found out that getting my backside smacked was infinitely preferable to being ignored.

My suggestions are similar to those above. Protect your other two children from physical harm by removing him from the situation when he gets out of hand. No drama, just remove him and give everyone a chance to cool down. Draw faces that represent the different emotions on a sheet of paper (like the smilies here), say 10 emotions per sheet and photocopy up a stack of them. Then when he cools down a little ask him to show you the face that looks the most like how he felt. Tell him the name of that emotion and ask him how you can make him feel better. Tell him you love him and that you enjoy talking to him. Do this on good days as well as bad ones so that he learns to recognise feeling good and that that garners as much attention as the bad days for him.

One on one time is essential for you and your partner with each of the children. Being a little boy he has lots of physical energy he needs to expend, try to find a suitable outlet for his frustration such as maybe daddy could teach him how to fish or maybe he could join scouts, something that gets him out into nature and gets him spending time with positive male role models.

Definitely keep up the counselling/phychologist. I found out that the root of my problem was that a nun had tied me to a chair with twine and when I told them at home they went to the school and nothing more ever came of it. I wanted them to make something happen that showed me they would protect me. It didn't happen. Then they gave me to my gran to raise and she made me sleep in a bed with her soaked in urine every night, and they had the audacity to tell me I smelled of pee. At 8. As if I could do anything about it. So I really understand this little fellas frustration. I agree with asking him how he wants to fix things and showing him that there are lots of ways to sort things out and that he DOES have positive power. Right now his only way of asserting power is negative and it seems to get him some attention.

You don't mention your partner in all of this. Make sure that you are very united in how you handle him. Please dont remove rewards that he has already earned. It can be very demoralising for a child to lose what they see as hard won, and it will make them cut off that part of themselves that cares about the reward eventually if it keeps getting removed.

Good luck to you. I'll light a candle for ye tonight. xx