What do you think

jaffa20

Ok so this is a bit old but this was something a wrote a while back. It's a bit confusing but i won't tell you what is going on. I thought i'd make it a prologue to a book i'm writing. Anyway, i won't give any info away about the plot. I'll post it below and feel free to discuss and tell me what you think;) Btw, it's typical style of writing of a 'dialogue" between 2 people. The person as a child and in the present and their conflicting thoughts.



Welcome to a new universe which happens to be my own, come discover my thoughts, passions, wishes, desires and fears……

Go on, write! What have you to say that hasn’t already been said?

So that things seem clearer.

All you do is think about yourself. You are not able to do something concrete.

Stop it! I’m going to do it. All I have are memories and I want to share them. All these things which I want to unburden so I can be free of this oppression but I’m afraid.

Fear exists but in the mind.

But it forever takes hold of us.

You are always too weak to overcome your bad decisions. Write, awaken yourself! I told you, write! There are no excuses!

That doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m not going to lie!

I was conceived 8 months prior to the 5th of December as if someone had forced life upon me, as if evil was to happen.

To deceive pain, we live, continuing to play their part without question. Doing something strange is not acceptable.

From a child, I have always been made responsible.

Why should your stand for that?

That has been the most difficult question of my life. I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting. I felt like my parent stayed together because of me.

But were they meant to separate? What do you think?

No more questions! I’m confused, so it’s my fault…

I was thinking the same thing.

Really? Thanks for the honesty, nobody ever is.

I recognized all the possibilities but only one seemed true. What more can be said. I am surrounded by all these voices which refute the idea, which drive me and tell me what should be done. It makes no difference.

I wasn’t aware.

Like everyone, don’t worry about me. I will get there.

Should you really know your own fate?

No more questions! Life is taking me nowhere. That’s all I know. I need to reflect. No more interruptions!

Can you trust your memories?
I have to try.

Make the most of life! Don’t dwell on the past.

But I have to understand life to that and that isn’t going to happen at the moment. Life tells me what I am but not who I am.

Probably.

That is true. I feel lost. Like I am stuck in a world where I don’t belong. Somewhere else. Beyond reality where choice isn’t an option. Did something happen to me so I feel like this?

The world enlightens me with knowledge but not knowledge of me. It is up to me to find myself. This knowledge is meant to make us stronger but it’s the wrong path.

What path should you have taken?

That’s what I can’t explain. Maybe it was in the womb. Something awful fell upon me that makes me think like this.

I have always feared the material past. Objects haunt me. Those from school appear again and again. They arouse terrifying experiences. I was in a strict school where religion took control of us. It tried to model us. Like everything is against me. I ask myself. Why me! How did I arrive here? How will I get out of here?

Neither science nor religions give me the answers I need.

Every Sunday, it was time for church. I can see the bright but blinding light trying to transform me, hypnotize me but without knowing, I stare. Like a robotic system, dreamy eyes here and there. Existence, what does that mean anyway!

We are but material, a computer, programmed by economic needs. I want to construct my own life. It’s like I’m living another.


Nothing shameful on this side but I wanted to change it. To be in this dirty state is true pain.

I know I must make my own life but I need to reflect to do that.

Your life doesn’t belong to anyone.

I know but that’s how I feel. Like I am not fulfilled. I was an unknown child. I feel lost and don’t know want to do with myself.

It’s an enigma

Surrounded by death. Suicide is only a way of telling God that I give up and it’s not for you to decide before he says, “get out of here”.

It was his time, it was her time. God’s wish. It’s all I hear.

You shouldn’t get so upset.

But I only seek an explanation for this madness! They don’t see the truth before them- the loss of someone dear. One of the most painful experiences in life. The must feel this pain, loss and rage but they believe in God for relief and do not honour the desceased.

Where has this rage from within you come from?

No more questions! It’s time to remember.

But you’re avoiding my questions.

So! I must remember before I reply! Be quiet! Stop thinking about yourself and come help me.

Then go on. Remember!

Insect Overlord

jaffa20 wrote: »

Ok so this is a bit old but this was something a wrote a while back. It's a bit confusing but i won't tell you what is going on. I thought i'd make it a prologue to a book i'm writing. Anyway, i won't give any info away about the plot. I'll post it below and feel free to discuss and tell me what you think;) Btw, it's typical style of writing of a 'dialogue" between 2 people. The person as a child and in the present and their conflicting thoughts.

I'm sorry to say this, but the comment you made about the piece being confusing was the only thing that rang true for me. There were times when it was impossible to distinguish what part of the dialogue belonged to whom. I was unsure if every seperate paragraph signified a change in the speaking voice, or simply a continuation of the paragraph before it. For example:

jaffa20 wrote: »

That’s what I can’t explain. Maybe it was in the womb. Something awful fell upon me that makes me think like this.

I have always feared the material past. Objects haunt me. Those from school appear again and again. They arouse terrifying experiences. I was in a strict school where religion took control of us. It tried to model us. Like everything is against me. I ask myself. Why me! How did I arrive here? How will I get out of here?

Neither science nor religions give me the answers I need.

Every Sunday, it was time for church. I can see the bright but blinding light trying to transform me, hypnotize me but without knowing, I stare. Like a robotic system, dreamy eyes here and there. Existence, what does that mean anyway!

We are but material, a computer, programmed by economic needs. I want to construct my own life. It’s like I’m living another.

As well as that, there were lines that, linguistically, made no sense to me, eg

jaffa20 wrote: »

All I have are memories and I want to share them. All these things which I want to unburden so I can be free of this oppression but I’m afraid

...

From a child, I have always been made responsible.

...

Really? Thanks for the honesty, nobody ever is.

...

This knowledge is meant to make us stronger but it’s the wrong path.

The syntax just seems completely mixed up. I think the phrasing should be more along the lines of "Right from my early childhood I was always made to feel that I bore heavy responsibility"; "Really? Such honesty is never afforded to me by anybody else. I thank you for it."; "This knowledge is meant to make us stronger, but instead it leads us down the wrong path". As it is, I'm finding it difficult to decipher.

When done effectively (best popular example being Gollum/Smeagol in LOTR) the internal conflict of a confused mind can make for breath-taking art. Unfortunately this piece reads more like two different entities, (i.e. a) one probing and b) one torn between answering these probing questions and the questions that already preoccupied their mind) rather than the conflicting sides of a single mind, which you intended.

I think you need to write it out again, this time making it clear, both to yourself and to a neutral reader, who exactly is speaking in each line. Make sure that each line is in the context of those preceding it and those succeeding it (rather than throwing up such major topics as predestined evil, marrital disharmony, the meaning of life, religion, etc, with little or no build-up, pretext or relevence to the topic covered beforehand.) Finally, read each line aloud after writing it. Sometimes a sentence can seem stunningly profound in one's head but make little sense in text. Changing the order of the words in such sentences sometimes helps in restoring their intended grace.

I think you've taken on a very big project with the issues your character mentions in this prologue, but I can see it being a very effective piece of work if you tighten it up a bit.

jaffa20

:eek:
Thanks for the reply. I'm glad you understood my aim at least. I think the problem with the syntax can be easily fixed. I wrote this a long time ago so it can be improved. It was originally written in french so i think my translation into english sort of destroyed the style and effect.

I thought it was pretty easy to work out who was speaking though. One of the speakers mainly asks questions. The other may ask questions which are purely rhetorical or are the questions to which he seeks answers in his mind.

I realise that the dialogue is not coherent but i felt that was to show how the mind of the speaker is not coherent and he needs to organise his thoughts to come to a conclusion. I felt the prologue should be like this and leave the reader perplexed. As the story continues, the writing would become more coherent to match that of the mind of the speaker and show how he is coming to realise all sorts of stuff.

In any case, you've uncovered the main themes of the story from the prologue which would be expanded on in each chapter that follows. This will be structured around events and themes that were touched on in the prologue.

Anyway, i'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for your help:p

Livvie

I'm afraid I didn't understand it at all - but I do think you have a very good way with words. If it makes sense at all, I do like what you've written. I think you have a talent and should use it to write something that maybe isn't so deep that no one can understand it.

jaffa20

Livvie wrote: »

I'm afraid I didn't understand it at all - but I do think you have a very good way with words. If it makes sense at all, I do like what you've written. I think you have a talent and should use it to write something that maybe isn't so deep that no one can understand it.

Thanks Livvie, i think :P

etymon

This is like something out of those 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' books. Maybe you should submit it to the editor of that series. They go mad for those internal conflict dialogues!