16 years later how do I tell her her Dad is not her Dad

genovafrancesco

I would really appreciate if anyone who has faced a similar dilemma or has known someone who has been in this situation could give me some advice...Ihave a 15 year old daughter. Her biological father was just a teenager, as I was, when she was born, and never met his daughter after her birth. I met someone else when she was still very young and took the cowardly path of never revealing to her that my husband is not her father. It now happens that her biological father and my daughter will meet during the coming year and I am worried that I have chosen tha path that I did. Recently I have decided that I should tell my daughter about her biological fater but I am unsure of the best way to do this...(I worry that he may not want to know her and she being rejected etc...)

Any advice, however trivial, would be much appreciated:)

My name is URL

That's a tough one, I have now idea how you should tell her or if indeed you should tell her at all at this stage. If she knows he works in the town she's living in atm, it may cause her to become anxious of been there. On the other hand, obviously truth is best and perhaps she'll accept the news better than you expect. I think maybe you should have told her much earlier because been open with a child is a better way of protecting them than keeping a secret of such magnitude. What does her biological dad think of the whole matter?

genovafrancesco

Hi Upward Spiral

Thanks for the advice. I definitely agree that I would have been better off to have told her from the start. Its just that it is almost 16 years ago when single motherhood was still (somewhat) frowned upon and when I met my husband when she was only two I made the terrible mistake of letting her think he was her Dad. We have not have had any other children since as my husband insists that he regards her as his daughter and doesnt want any other children...As for her biological father, I dont blame him for abandoning me etc, as we were only teenagers,I havent spoken to him since she was born, I hate the fact thet she will meet her Dad/he will meet his daughter even if they dont know one another...

Overheal

maybe you could ease her into the shock slowly by finding someway to otherwise casually sit her down to one of those movies, where the kid learns she's adopted? I cant think of any except to say I know their out there. edit: heres a list of movies with adoption as a theme - http://www.colorq.org/ChildrenOfMySoul/section.aspx?s=videos and http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/9950/adoption_movies.html and http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/AdoptionMovies.html

Either way your goal should be to make sure she understands (and she will with time anyway) that your husband may not be her father, but he is her Dad.

LolaLuv

She should probably know, even just to make sure there are no medical maladies in her biological father's family that could affect her down the road. Sixteen is a very hard age to learn something like that, although it isn't easy at any age. Is she emotionally stable enough at this point in her life to hear it, do you think? Why don't you contact the biological father and see what he thinks?

Carrigart Exile

PillyPen wrote: »

She should probably know, even just to make sure there are no medical maladies in her biological father's family that could affect her down the road. Sixteen is a very hard age to learn something like that, although it isn't easy at any age. Is she emotionally stable enough at this point in her life to hear it, do you think? Why don't you contact the biological father and see what he thinks?

Remember you will destroy the relationship she has had with her dad (your husband). How will her biological father know her? Have you been providing pictures? Has biological dad been contributing to her keep? If the answer to these three questions is no, then I would say nothing and take the secret to the grave.

One other question, sorry, what is your husband's thoughts on this issue?

Victor

Her Daddy will always be her Daddy. Her father is another matter.

I think its something that you need to talk over, I suppose initially with your husband, but also her father and probably then her.

If she hasn't already, she'll eventually be putting two and two together on birth & marriage dates and biological differences. What does her birth cert say?

Expect emotion, confusion, anger.

The current film "Mamma Mia!" might be a conversation starter.

Also have a look at the Adoption board http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

LolaLuv

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Remember you will destroy the relationship she has had with her dad (your husband). How will her biological father know her? Have you been providing pictures? Has biological dad been contributing to her keep? If the answer to these three questions is no, then I would say nothing and take the secret to the grave.

One other question, sorry, what is your husband's thoughts on this issue?

That's an important point as well, but I don't think whether or not she's seen pictures or the biological father has been contributing to her keep should affect the decision. And it shouldn't destroy the relationship with OP's husband either. She might distance herself for a bit while she tries to absorb the shock, but he's the only father she's known and I'm sure nothing would change that for her.

Greenmachine

Excellent post. I think it is something you and your husband should do together as a united front make it clear to her you both love her unconditionally and your husband can make it clear that he considers her his daughter. If you hold no bad feeling towards the girls father make that clear to her. Explain how difficult a time it was for yourself and her father.

Let her know that you would like for her to meet her father. That it will be strange at first, but that she can take it at any pace that she wants. That she can still come and talk to you or your husband about anything she might have done before etc.

Victor wrote: »

Her Daddy will always be her Daddy. Her father is another matter.

I think its something that you need to talk over, I suppose initially with your husband, but also her father and probably then her.

If she hasn't already, she'll eventually be putting two and two together on birth & marriage dates and biological differences. What does her birth cert say?

Expect emotion, confusion, anger.

The current film "Mamma Mia!" might be a conversation starter.

Also have a look at the Adoption board http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

Elessar

You have made the right choice to tell her. Whatever you do, don't hide it any longer because I gaurantee one day she will find out regardless. And then she could place all her blame and anger at you for lieing to her.

Being a 16 yr old girl she is likely to become somewhat emotional at the news but she will get over it eventually. In fact, I would be surprised if she didn't already have some doubts about her current father.

You just need to sit her down and tell her. Don't beat around the bush. Appologise for not telling her sooner. It may be tough but she and you will get over the whole situation soon enough. She may want assistance finding her real father. It may even consume her.

If this is the case PLEASE stress to her that her biological dad is just that, he will NEVER be her father. I was in a similar situation at her age and I was naive enough to think that he wanted to see me and everything would be perfect and great etc. That was not the case. He is just a man who may not want to know her. Do not let these thoughts consume her as they did me.

LegacyUser

a potential route - though it depends on what others in the family know and what is on birth certs etc.. - is to approach the bio father and say "look, the sprog has a happy family life, she accepts hubby absolutely as her father and i don't want that changed - so if/when you meet her don't say a *$#^ing word!"

you have the option, not particularly acttractive, but the option nonetheless, of adding that if he does upset the applecart you will spill the beans about how he was 'rough' with you, what an utter git he was etc... so as to destroy the relationship he hopes to gain but upsetting said applecart. doesn't matter how true it is, she won't know...

she might well just blank him if she knows, people who leave thier children are rarely overly popular with those children.

Bottle_of_Smoke

bog standard wrote: »

a potential route - though it depends on what others in the family know and what is on birth certs etc.. - is to approach the bio father and say "look, the sprog has a happy family life, she accepts hubby absolutely as her father and i don't want that changed - so if/when you meet her don't say a *$#^ing word!"

you have the option, not particularly acttractive, but the option nonetheless, of adding that if he does upset the applecart you will spill the beans about how he was 'rough' with you, what an utter git he was etc... so as to destroy the relationship he hopes to gain but upsetting said applecart. doesn't matter how true it is, she won't know...

she might well just blank him if she knows, people who leave thier children are rarely overly popular with those children.

Are you insane? That's saying "you're genetic father was a guy who beats women" That's not going to go down well.

One of my friends is kind of in the OP's daughter's position. His mum cheated on his dad with his biological dad. He knows but says he'll still always see the guy who raised him as his dad & doesn't seem to have any interest in his bio dad.

However she may be very interested in finding out what her bio father is like. Look how interested people are in their family trees & finding oout who their ancestors were. Her bio father might be interested in seeing her now too, I know I would.

I think you should tell her. Explain your circumstances for lying to her.

genovafrancesco

Thanks for all the advice. I know that I will have to tell her the truth at some point - as to whether I should do it now or later is something I'm not sure of yet. The only thing I dread is that she might find out from someone else or figure it out when she meets her biological father later this year as there are certain similarities between her and her biological dad (although I don't think he would deliberately do anything to let her know without contacting me first)

He has not had any direct contact with my daughter since she was born but he has seen her with me on a few occasions (one quite recently). I often wonder what is going through his head when he sees her, and I have some sympathy for him, as I realise that he must think about what happened occasionally too. As I said we were quite young when she was born, and his parents insisted that he have no contact with me.

As for my husband, he is not in favour of telling our daughter anything about her biological dad. I know that the whole situation is very hard for him and I think that he fears that she will no longer regard him as her dad if she finds out the truth.

spurious

Tell her as soon as you can - both of you.
These things ALWAYS come out and she is going to have to reconcile herself to the fact that the two people she loves most in the world lied to her. That may sound harsh but it is the truth, regardless of the reasons (many good ones I'm sure) for lying to her.

In my line of work I deal with kids hurt by this sort of thing all the time. It's quite damaging to their trust, especially if they haven't had a clue. They can get over it of course, but expect some choppy waters before it's over.

girl2

Hello

My heart really goes out to your whole family because no matter what, this is going to really hurt people, yourself included.

I have been in a similar position. Only in my case I was brought up by my granny and granda, thinking they were my parents until I was about 11. My granny then sat me down one evening and told me that she wasnt my mother, and that in fact the woman who I thought was my sister was my mother (I wasnt told who my father was at this time). Now for me this was the end of the world. To be honest with you I hated everyone and found it very very difficult to come to terms with.......this is all in hindsight now that I can look at it very clearly. Of course at the time I didnt know my behaviour was all about that, but it was. I had a very turbulent few teenage years and was very annoyed at the whole thing. I just wanted to be normal. I hated my granny and my mother.....I hated everyone!

There is no easy way of saying this, but I believe that your child is going to be devestated. I dont know how youre going to tell her in a way that is going to make it easy, because really nothing will. You may be rejected by her, she may very well hate you and your husband, or it could go the other way altogether, which I pray it does.

Might it be an idea for you to talk to her natural father and see how he feels about this? Whether he does want anything to do with her? In my case I met my father when I was 17, and things went ok. There was many a row in his family over him putting me first, but things are all very good now. But theres that to think of as well.

I know that someone has said that her daddy will always be her daddy....and this is very true....but to your daughter, she may not see this. I didnt. But I do now. It will take time.

I really hope that it goes well for you no matter what you choose to do.

PM any time if you like.


C

girl_friday

There is the very real phenomena of genetic sexual attraction to take into account here so I would definitely say tell her... I think it would be best if you and your husband did it as a united front. Yes, she will be angry and upset so be prepared for that but hopefully she will come around quickly enough... Good luck!!

aidan24326

genovafrancesco wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. I know that I will have to tell her the truth at some point - as to whether I should do it now or later is something I'm not sure of yet

You know there's no use in putting it off any longer. At 15 she is old enough to be told, and it won't get any easier whether you do it next week, next month or next year.

As for my husband, he is not in favour of telling our daughter anything about her biological dad. I know that the whole situation is very hard for him and I think that he fears that she will no longer regard him as her dad if she finds out the truth.

I can undertand where your husband is coming from this can't be easy for him, but your daughter probably has a right to know about something as important as this. Normally I'm in the say nothing camp on most things but this is a big deal, and if you don't tell her only for her to later find out by some other means it will just make things worse.

As for her feelings/attitude towards your husband changing I wouldn't be so sure about that. He's still her dad regardless of biology, and she will come to realise that after the initial shock has subsided. What will happen between your daughter and her biological father* is harder to predict. It's a very tricky situation to be in and I don't envy you, but you're going to have to bite the bullet sooner or later, both you and your husband together.

*Edit: Forgot to mention that it would be important to gauge her bio father's feelings first. Does he want a relationship with your daughter? Has he a wife/girlfriend/other kids etc? If he has it complicates things further.

HouseHippo

Im not sure how you should tell her as I am not a parent, but you definitely should tell her!!

You DO NOT want her finding out on her own.I was told my whole life my dad was someone,(although I never met him) and 17 years later after my mother passed away I found out otherwise, and still can't forgive her or my family from keeping this from me.


The older she gets the more complicated it will get for you to hide this from her. Medical tests, pregnancy,vaccines etc.It is in fact dangerous to give inncorect family medical history to the G.P


So what ever way you do it, DO IT!!! I suggest it be a private matter prepare her for the moment don't just spring it on her, HEY THIS IS YOUR REAL DAD! as it is likely to be a traumatic moment in her life, chances are she'll hate you for a while,but she'll get oer it once you are honest with her. There will be tears and probably some shouting but if you tell her asap it will all blow over.

Carrigart Exile

As for my husband, he is not in favour of telling our daughter anything about her biological dad. I know that the whole situation is very hard for him and I think that he fears that she will no longer regard him as her dad if she finds out the truth.

Your husband and her dad has everything to lose. The guy who has been there for her since she can remember will suddenly have his status changed. Whereas a guy who has contributed nothing to her upbringing (financially or emotionally) will be given elevated status, why???

What's to gain here? Is it you that wants this supposed cathartic experience for some hurt you have?

ChocolateSauce

I think it depends entirely on what her personality is like. Some girls would take it better than others. I think the most important factor to consider is how she is likely to take it.

genovafrancesco

PillyPen wrote: »

She should probably know, even just to make sure there are no medical maladies in her biological father's family that could affect her down the road. Sixteen is a very hard age to learn something like that, although it isn't easy at any age. Is she emotionally stable enough at this point in her life to hear it, do you think? Why don't you contact the biological father and see what he thinks?

Its so hard to know if she is emotionally stable enough to deal with the news at the moment...she is a very level-headed and mature girl and we have never had any difficulty with her behaviour in the past, but something like this could change everything. As for her biological father and family medical history etc. he is actually adopted himself and had never met his biological parents...I know I should probably contact him but I dont really know how to approach this either..should I contact him at work ,at home, in person, by phone...?

LolaLuv

genovafrancesco wrote: »

Its so hard to know if she is emotionally stable enough to deal with the news at the moment...she is a very level-headed and mature girl and we have never had any difficulty with her behaviour in the past, but something like this could change everything. As for her biological father and family medical history etc. he is actually adopted himself and had never met his biological parents...I know I should probably contact him but I dont really know how to approach this either..should I contact him at work ,at home, in person, by phone...?

Wow, the fact that he's also adopted makes it a lot more complicated. I suppose you really ought to tell her in case she should ever find out on her own, but I can certainly understand why you'd question the necessity. Have you spoken to him in the past sixteen years? If you haven't at all then maybe contacting him wouldn't be such a good idea. When you ran into him previously, did he acknowledge you? What was his reaction? It seems to me that you're most concerned about telling her at this point in case he should mention it while he sees her out. If that's your concern, then I suppose contacting him would be helpful.

As far as her stability, of course there's never a good time to tell someone something like this, but some times are better than others. If she had been having problems at school, just broken up with a boyfriend, troubles with a friend, etc. then this might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

This is really a terrible situation and my heart goes out to your entire family. Maybe you should see a counselor; he or she could tell you the best possible ways of breaking this sort of news and even whether or not you should.

genovafrancesco

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Your husband and her dad has everything to lose. The guy who has been there for her since she can remember will suddenly have his status changed. Whereas a guy who has contributed nothing to her upbringing (financially or emotionally) will be given elevated status, why???
What's to gain here? Is it you that wants this supposed cathartic experience for some hurt you have?

I am very well aware that my husband and my daughter's dad is the one who has everything to lose. However, I must also think of my daughter and her well-being. Both my husband and I could lose her forever should we choose not to tell her and she find out from a third party.
As for elevating the status of her biological father, I'm not sure that it is a given that that would happen...She may not want to see him, and if she does then she should surely be entitled to do so...instead of looking at it as a status battle between her Dad and her biological father, I am of the view that it is her happiness, both present and future, that is paramount.
I find it somewhat alarming that you could think that I would risk my daughter's, my husband's or indeed her biological father's emotional well-being in search of some sort of cathartic experience...My priority is my daughter and minimising any hurt she may feel as a result of this situation, as I would have hoped would be clear from my posts.

genovafrancesco

I know that the fact that her biological dad is adopted complicates matters more...he was more in favour of adoption than I was when I fell pregnant (presumably because of his own positive experience of being adopted)...but it was not something that I ever seriously considered.

As I said we have had virtually no contact since my daughter was born, although on the one or two occasions that we have met by chance, he has seemed shocked to see my daughter and I, but there has been no animosity between us.........

Carrigart Exile

genovafrancesco wrote: »

I am very well aware that my husband and my daughter's dad is the one who has everything to lose. However, I must also think of my daughter and her well-being. Both my husband and I could lose her forever should we choose not to tell her and she find out from a third party.
As for elevating the status of her biological father, I'm not sure that it is a given that that would happen...She may not want to see him, and if she does then she should surely be entitled to do so...instead of looking at it as a status battle between her Dad and her biological father, I am of the view that it is her happiness, both present and future, that is paramount.
I find it somewhat alarming that you could think that I would risk my daughter's, my husband's or indeed her biological father's emotional well-being in search of some sort of cathartic experience...My priority is my daughter and minimising any hurt she may feel as a result of this situation, as I would have hoped would be clear from my posts.

I am sorry if I have misinterpreted but there seemed to be an underlying current of sympathy for your ex (bio-dad) which made me question the driver for this decision.

marti101

Tell her before somebody else does and they will as people are mean.I was 13 when i found out my dad was not my dad,i found it very hard as they were not going to tell me but had to as someone else was about to spill the beans.As you your husband and your ex your daughter has to take priority her feelings are paramount.Sit down as a united front and tell her the truth tell her today as putting it off wont do.She might have some idea as sometimes we do things without realisisng it.I hope it all goes well for you but tell her.

Le Rack

My mam was very young when she had me, and her boyfriend, my dad, dumped her as soon as he found out she was pregnant. Mam's now married to someone else, but I wasn;t as young obviously as your daughter, as I remember living at my grandparents with my uncle and mam. Anyway, my mam essentially, won't allow me to know who my father is, I've tried to find out but just been told he's...a various medium of...bad things... Now I know he may well be a git for what he did, but I do still want to know who he is, as he is after all my father.

I think you should tell her daughter, I haven't read the other posts so I haven't seen other people's opinions but coming as a child of a similar situation I would tell her. Sit her down, calmly some day and just talk about it.

OrangeDaisy

you really need to tell her the truth soon.....I just don't understand how you could claim that your daughters wellbeing is your priority when you allowed her to grow up thinking someone else was her father. A two year old is much more adaptable to these things than a teenager,she would've accepted your partner as her dad and you wouldn't be facing this dilema. I feel so sorry for her and hope it all works out

Pigletlover

I'm in a similar position to your daughter in that my mother fell pregnant when she was 17, had me when she was 18 and my father wanted nothing to do with me. My mother met someone else after a couple of years and they married, the difference in my case is that my mother was always open with me and I always knew that my stepfather was my stepfather.

You have to tell your daughter the truth OP, she may find it hard to accept at first, it will be a big shock to her, but I'm sure that in time she'll come around. As far as I'm concerned my stepfather may as well be my father, he's the one who helped raise me, provided for me financially (my mother can proudly say she never received a penny from my father) and when I get married he'll be the one to give me away. I can't say how your daughter will react, she may want to find out more about her father or she may be like me and not care. Eitherway you have to tell her the truth and let her decide for herself.

genovafrancesco

OrangeDaisy wrote: »

you really need to tell her the truth soon.....I just don't understand how you could claim that your daughters wellbeing is your priority when you allowed her to grow up thinking someone else was her father. A two year old is much more adaptable to these things than a teenager,she would've accepted your partner as her dad and you wouldn't be facing this dilema. I feel so sorry for her and hope it all works out

Everybody seems to be of the opinion that we should tell our daughter as soon as possible, and I too am of that opinion. It is nice to hear that some of you have been through the experience and have come through the other side...it is interesting that not everyone wants or feels a need to meet his/her biological father.

As you say OrangeDaisy, it would have made matters much easier to have told our daughter much earlier and that is the advice that I also would give to anyone in the position that I found myself 15 years ago. It is difficult however, for a 17 year old to view the world through the same lens as an adult. Despite the errors that I have made (and would change, if I had the time over, knowing what I do now) I will not hesitate to say that it is my daughter's happiness and well-being that is now, and always has been my priority.

ChocolateSauce

genovafrancesco wrote: »

Everybody seems to be of the opinion that we should tell our daughter as soon as possible, and I too am of that opinion. It is nice to hear that some of you have been through the experience and have come through the other side...it is interesting that not everyone wants or feels a need to meet his/her biological father.

As you say OrangeDaisy, it would have made matters much easier to have told our daughter much earlier and that is the advice that I also would give to anyone in the position that I found myself 15 years ago. It is difficult however, for a 17 year old to view the world through the same lens as an adult. Despite the errors that I have made (and would change, if I had the time over, knowing what I do now) I will not hesitate to say that it is my daughter's happiness and well-being that is now, and always has been my priority.

It is easier earlier. I'm adopted and I can't remember ever not knowing my mother didn't give birth to me. I do remember not caring in the slightest. If I found out now, things might be different.