Her parents hate me.

LegacyUser

I'm more venting then looking for advice here, because I really don't think that there is a whole lot that can be done.

Been seeing the OH for the best part of a year at this stage. We get on like a house on fire, could sit and talk for hours, the sex is great, mutual attraction etc. Everything that you could look for in a relationship I have in her.

The one problem we have is her mother. Now, when we first started seeing each other I was invited to a family gathering. It was the first time I met her folks, and I got on great with them. They could not get enough of me. Her father liked me so much he was trying to get me to come work with him, got on like a house on fire with her mother etc. Next couple of times I met them we got on great too. Then all of a sudden she stopped bringing me over to meet her parents (when I was collecting her or whatever), and shortly after that she moved out of her parents house. Did not hear anything mentioned about them and then out of no where the girlfriend breaks up with me. Totally out of the blue (This was in June). Couple of days later we met up for a chat, I wanted a bit of closure because I really did not know why we were breaking up etc. Turns out the reason we broke up was because her mother hated me. Se was getting 4 or 5 abusive texts a day from her mother. Claiming she was choosing and outsider ahead of her family, going against her parents wishes etc. Totally bat**** insane stuff. She was still in love with me, so we decided to get back together and just not tell her mother.

She came clean to her mother a couple of months back, got a little abuse out of it but that's it. This weekend we are supposed to be heading up to Galway (Just for the hell of it) and her mother has started with this abusive **** again.

Now, I have no idea why they don't like me. There is not much of an age gap (4 years, I am late twenties, she is mid twenties), I have a good job, I'm not a drug addict or anything like that, I always treat my girlfriend with respect etc. She says that her mother won't tell her why she does not approve of me, she just doesn't. She thinks it might just be empty nest syndrome. The thing is, you would think her mother would know better than this. The girlfriends parents are from the north, and her mother is from a strict Protestant family, and her father from a Catholic family. Apparently when they started seeing each other and eventually got married there was war. Especially from her mothers side of the family. (This would have been 30 or more years ago).

This is really stressful for me. I hate seeing her upset, especially when there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so powerless. She tries to keep it from me when she can. I really want to just go over there and to tell her to stop acting like such a headcase, the only one she is hurting is her daughter, or to even sit down with them and talk to them and see if we can find what the root of the problem is. But of course my girlfriend does not want that, because she said her mother is capeable of some pretty mean things and she does not want me to go through that. (I am very thick skinned, but she made me promise I would not go talk to them).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Since the crap has intensified again I am getting the feeling that we are heading for another breakup. All this abuse is wrecking her head.

AARRRGH

Her mother is mentally unwell. There is no other explanation for the constant abuse and the constant attempts to destroy someone else's relationship.

If you really want to salvage the relationship, you could contact the mother and invite her to lunch or something like that, so you can both have a good chat about what's going on. Like everything in life, nothing beats a bit of face to face.

Sounds like a horrible situation.

LegacyUser

AARRRGH wrote: »

Her mother is mentally unwell. There is no other explanation for the constant abuse and the constant attempts to destroy someone else's relationship.

If you really want to salvage the relationship, you could contact the mother and invite her to lunch or something like that, so you can both have a good chat about what's going on. Like everything in life, nothing beats a bit of face to face.

Sounds like a horrible situation.

As much as I would love to do that she has refused to let me meet up with her mother. And she has told me if I go behind her back on this it's over.

She is of the opinion that her mother will tear strips out of me and does not want me to go through that. (I am of the opinion that it's worth a try, did door work for a while, I can handle groundless abuse)

ChocolateSauce

I agree with the mentally unwell theory. She has no right or reason to be doing what she is doing. It has to stop, and only by talking with your girlfriend at length about a definite solution can you hope to resolve this.

Rhinocharge

Been in this situation so I know what it is like. Let me guess it's everything about you & nothing about you. Her mother sounds like the controlling type. Used to getting her way & threatens crap when there is the possiblity of losing control of the daughter.

I've been in this type of situation for 10 years so I know how it feels. You will both have to accept that "Mum" won't change her ways. Accept her for being the battle-axe & then move on with your relationship. Let "Mum" have her tantrum, your GF will have to lay down some rules & stick to her guns. You'll have to be supportive to your GF. It won't be easy, but if you both want to be with each other, these are positive steps to make.

themullet

Hey OP was in a similar situation except it was my mother causing the problem. I am a fellla and of course she didn't think my new gf was good enough. Of course nothing she was ever going to say was going to change how I felt about her. However I didn't want my gf anywhere near my mother so she could tear strips off her. And I didn't want her to go through that. What I did was cut contact with her for a few weeks. And I can tell you, it wasn't long before she came crawling back!! the fact of the matter is, whether you know it or not, yourself and your girlfriend are in control. You're both in your mid twenties for gawd sake. TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION NOW.

loulou79

Hi OP

I really feel for you. From your girlfriends reaction to your suggestion to speak face to face with her mother I suspect that she really does know what her mothers problem with you is. Suggest that you both broach the subject together.
Perhaps her Mum does have some psychological issues though too so tread carefully and try to be understanding

Good luck

Therickmachine

Complete shot in the dark here OP

Now, I have no idea why they don't like me. There is not much of an age gap (4 years, I am late twenties, she is mid twenties), I have a good job, I'm not a drug addict or anything like that, I always treat my girlfriend with respect etc. She says that her mother won't tell her why she does not approve of me, she just doesn't.

The woman seems to have no apparent motive for not liking you! Either shes got some sort of mental issue or is it possible that you have some sort of criminal record/or something that happened in the past? She or someone she knows could have access to private information.
I know someone who has access to criminal backgrounds. She has done checks on her daughters boyfriends. One of them was involved with dealing drugs when he was younger.
The family member didn t want to confess outright that she had been running checks when she shouldn t have, but wanted to protect her daughter. She then forbade her daughter to see him but wouldn t tell her why. The daughter understandbly was baffled by her mothers attitude. Caused alot of conflict until the mother finally told her what she knew about him!

Im sure this probably isn t the case, but it is a possibility she knows something about you? Even if its something minor that she would hold against you?

carlybabe1

I have to agree OP, I think your gf does know what the prob is. Is it posible that in the time your relationship with them went from wonderful to crap that you and your gf had a serious fight? or even just a fight (you might not have thought it was all that important at the time) Its not impossible that your gf confided in them when she was upset and now they only see you as someone who can potential hurt thier daughter...Though the behaviour is a bit extreme I grant you...I think its a bit extreme that your gf threatened to break up with you for simply trying to make things easier for her....and if this is a long term relationship, it has to be sorted, not many relationships can survive the pressure of familial dispute. I'd ask your gf straight out

Miss Fluff

carlybabe1 wrote: »

I have to agree OP, I think your gf does know what the prob is.

I agree, I don't buy that your GF is unaware of what the problem could be, it's a case she doesn't want to say it. Are you by any chance from different social backgrounds? Do you have baggage, i.e. kids from a previous relationship? I'm not for one moment suggesting any of these are a viable reason for not liking you but there is definitely something that the mother simply can't stand......what a beeeatch by the way.

Shinners23

Op, I want you to think back through your time with your girlfriend.... was there ever a time when you or your girlfriend might have had a small falling-out or row that she may have gone home and cried on her mothers shoulder about..... It doesn't make sense that first off, they thought you were great and now............well they don't...

If you ever did have a row, parents tend to be like elephants..... they never forget... They are only looking out for their daughter,,... their baby daughter by the sounds of it...

Does any of this make sense....??

Rhinocharge

OP, to be honest it sounds like her parents where expecting the relationship to fizzle out ( Going through a phase ) & since it hasn't, their true feelings have surfaced.

Have you considered inviting her father out for a quiet drink & asking direct? The other option is for the 4 of you to go for a meal. Probably the last thing either of you want to do, but you'll get to the root of the problem quickly. If they don't want to be in your company, it's probably a control issue. You're stealing their daughter. Xmas is coming, buy them each an apron & cut off the tie strings.

The nicer you are, the more they'll push the limit.

LegacyUser

Nope, no criminal record, debt, bad family or any of that stuff. TBH the only thing we ever really argue about is her parents, and stuff they bring up (Even that is pretty rare, but it stresses her out, and that starts arguments).

I do have a child from a previous relationship, but she says that that is definatly not the issue.

I think her dad likes me fine, but as she has said, he is not gonna go behind his wifes back on it. She has told me that he has no problems with me, and any grief she gets from him is all relating to how much grief her mother is giving him about it. He is a nice chap, I think he just wants some piece and quiet though

I kinda agree that it's unlikely that she really does not know the reason that they don't like me, but she has told me many times that she does not. And I don't want to push it any further. It's obviously not something that she feels comfortable discussing, and I don't want to call he a liar to her face either.

Like I said, this all came out of the blue. The first couple of times I met them I got on like a house on fire with them. It just switched all of a sudden. The gf does not like to talk about it too much, because my parents love her to bits, are always inviting her over to see them and all this kind of stuff, where as her mother wont acknowledge me on the street and she feels bad about it.

I love her to bits, and I know this is really bothering her. I just feel so helpless when there is nothing that I can do about it.

meglome

When I was younger the parents of the girl I went out with absolutely hated me. They gave the reason they didn't like me as I didn't look them in the eye when I first met them. Now I was sixteen and was somewhat shy about it. When adults would give you such a stupid reason for treating you with utter contempt you have to wonder. The point being there doesn't have to any/much of reason for this behaviour and believe me I know.

bangersandmash

meglome wrote: »

When I was younger the parents of the girl I went out with absolutely hated me. They gave the reason they didn't like me as I didn't look them in the eye when I first met them. Now I was sixteen and was somewhat shy about it. When adults would give you such a stupid reason for treating you with utter contempt you have to wonder. The point being there doesn't have to any/much of reason for this behaviour and believe me I know.

Funny, I could have told exactly the same story. It's all very well knowing the decorum about making eye contact and firm handshakes. But when you're at that age, shy, and find yourself in the intimidating "meet the parents" situation for the first time, all of that goes out the window. It can be those experiences that make you realise that, when it comes to their children, grown adults can be far more petty and irrational than your average teenager.