Clingy "friend" - what can I do?

LegacyUser

Apologies if this is long.

About 10 months ago I became friendly with a guy (let's call him John) through school and we started to hang out. A while before Christmas we both got part time jobs in the same place. He'd been having a rough time as he had a girlfriend who was 14 while he was almost 18 and her family had got the Gardai involved. Because of something that happened as a result of that, one evening he left the job in the middle of a shift and was fired.

Over the following few weeks we continued to hang out at the weekends and at school. I had a lot of spare cash as I continued to work for a few months and "John" often borrowed money from me on the condition that he'd pay me back when he got another job.

During this time he had a falling out with his Dad and ended up spending 3 nights in my house. Following this he often invited himself to the house, sometimes even letting himself in and having a look through my stuff and my sisters'. One Monday morning he came up to me at my locker at school and said "Hi, I'm staying at yours tonight". He would regularly mention his problems and say things like "Listen, the guards MIGHT ring you. If they do you only kinda know me and you don't know her". When my younger sister made her confirmation, he tried to convince me that she wanted him to be there.

Over a few months he borrowed money from me for various things. In the end it came to around €70 and he assured me he would pay it back. At the start of the summer he started a very well paid job and said he would pay me back after he had built up an amount for himself. I told him I wan't happy with that and said I'd like my money back ASAP but he insisted he'd "save a few hundred first".

Now any time I see him and mention it he says he never agreed to pay me €70 as he never borrowed that much and that it was never any more than €25. I can't believe I was stupid enough to trust this guy and the sight of him makes my blood boil. Any time I ever borrowed anything from him, I'd pay him back as soon as I could and he'd still expect something for the favour.

Both of my parents have asked him to pay me back and they agree I'm being reasonable with him, even if I did allow him to take advantage of me. He continues to approach me in school like a friend and invite me to things but I say I don't want to know. I just find him totally repulsive.

All my friends and family agree I've been way too patient with him and that he's used me. It's not the amount of money as such, it's that he assured me he'd pay me back when he could and now he can and he's doing everything he can to avoid paying back what he owes.

So what do people suggest I do? What can I do?

Marksie

WhatToDo? wrote: »

So what do people suggest I do? What can I do?

Not much, in the end is getting back 70 euro going to be worth all the hassle. While I agree that perhaps its the principle of the things.

The lesson is, watch out for people like that, it could probably have been worse.

From now on if he approaches do not engage. Leave him to his own devices, you don't want to get enmeshed in whatever he is involved with.... for once ignorance is bliss

Wurly

I honestly would cut my losses and walk away from this looper.

Also, he's not 'clingy' - he sounds like a 'user'. A scary one at that..

Sometimes we learn valuable lessons. This, I think, is one of them.

Walk away. He sounds strange.

Zillah

If your issue is about the money, there's pretty much nothing you can do. Its a very small amount by any legal standards and you have no way of proving he owes you anything.

Learn a lesson and don't lend money to people you don't know very well.

Learn another lesson and don't let people walk all over you. You say you've been "too patient". I'd say you acted like a doormat, absurdly naive. Get the hell away from him and if he ever asks you for anything again tell him to go to hell.

LolaLuv

Cut him off and don't give yourself any guilt trips over it, that's what you can do!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies,

Unfortunately it's difficult to cut him out of my life as I have to see him everyday in school. He doesn't get the message that he's not wanted (or at least pretends not to). If I'm sitting on the bus with earphones in he sits beside me, takes them out and starts babbling on about how everything's **** for him.

Also, I'm unable to go out at the weekends with people from school because it's more than likely that he'll be there. He just wrecks my head!!

Marksie

WhatToDo? wrote: »

Unfortunately it's difficult to cut him out of my life as I have to see him everyday in school. He doesn't get the message that he's not wanted (or at least pretends not to). If I'm sitting on the bus with earphones in he sits beside me, takes them out and starts babbling on about how everything's **** for him.

Its as difficult as you make it.
Do you tell him that you don't want to talk? Put your earphones back in? Do you change seats?

WhatToDo? wrote: »

Also, I'm unable to go out at the weekends with people from school because it's more than likely that he'll be there. He just wrecks my head!!

If you are in a group, can you not avoid him? Others must know what he is like.

Its wrecking your head because you let it.

My wild guess is he thinks that owing you money is, in his mind, a lever : something he has over you that will allow him to continue to do this.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

Do you tell him that you don't want to talk? Put your earphones back in? Do you change seats?

Yeah, he asks why not and the starts the "Oh. My. God!! I DON'T OWE YOU THAT MUCH" thing and follows me if I move so I try to ignore him.

Marksie wrote: »

If you are in a group, can you not avoid him? Others must know what he is like.

I try to. Unfortunately his current girlfriend is in my circle of friends as are a lot of people he hangs out with and they can't see why I think he's such an arrogant pr1ck.

Zillah

WhatToDo? wrote: »

He doesn't get the message that he's not wanted

Have you tried giving him the message?

"John, you owe me money and are refusing to pay it back, frankly I don't want to spend time with you any more."

Feel free to make it more "colourful" if you like.

You're still letting him walk all over you. Stop pretending to like him. Tell him to shove it.

LegacyUser

Zillah wrote: »

Have you tried giving him the message?

"John, you owe me money and are refusing to pay it back, frankly I don't want to spend time with you any more."

Feel free to make it more "colourful" if you like.

I have done, which was quite hard for me because I find it difficult to say things straight to people.

He clearly doesn't want me as a friend and is just trying to get even more out of me which is what's annoying me so much.

Miss Fluff

I know you are a student and €70 is a lot for you but I'd be inclined to cut your losses and tell him to forget about it. While he still owes you this money, you still have a "tie" to him and for the sake of peace and cutting him off completely then it's money well spent. Tell him not to speak to you ever again, he is a parasite who has exploited your good nature, you are well rid OP.

RuailleBuaille

You ever see 'A Bronx Tale'?
It cost you 70euro to buy him out of your life.
Leave it at that.

Pub07

Next time he sits beside you on the bus or whatever and starts this craic say 'Can I have a lend of your phone for a minute, I was supposed to ring my mother/brother/etc about XYZ'. Then put it in your pocket. When asks for it back say 'You can what yours when you give me back what's mine you twofaced prick'.

Zillah

Pub07 wrote: »

Next time he sits beside you on the bus or whatever and starts this craic say 'Can I have a lend of your phone for a minute, I was supposed to ring my mother/brother/etc about XYZ'. Then put it in your pocket. When asks for it back say 'You can what yours when you give me back what's mine you twofaced prick'.

^ This is really stupid advice.

Cut your losses. I know you said its hard to be direct with people, but you're gonna have to accept that this is a fucked up situation and its his fault. Tell him to go to hell any time he tries to act like your friend. It will be embarrassing for both of you, really awkward, but that'll pass and eventually he'll stay away.

Pub07

Zillah wrote: »

^ This is really stupid advice.

Cut your losses. I know you said its hard to be direct with people, but you're gonna have to accept that this is a fucked up situation and its his fault. Tell him to go to hell any time he tries to act like your friend. It will be embarrassing for both of you, really awkward, but that'll pass and eventually he'll stay away.

Whats stupid about it? Maybe you have no problems letting someone walk all over you but I would have and the OP obviously does. You take his phone, he's gonna have cough up the money he owes, simple as that. I would 100% follow my own advice if I was in OP's shoes, no way I would let some prick take my money and then listen to his bs every day while bottling up my anger.

And the OP is in school and is in the same circle of friends as this guy, he's not going to just disappear from his/her life.

Zillah

Pub07 wrote: »

Whats stupid about it?

You're proposing she steal his phone. Its illegal. It doesn't matter how much he owes her, she has no right to simply take his property. If he told the police they'd have to at least ask her if its true and then she'll either have to tell the truth and possibly be arrested, or lie to the cops which is a bloody stupid thing to do.

So yeah, believe it or not but recommending that people break the law is bad advice.

Edit: Did I assume the OP was a she?

Sephiroth_dude

Zillah wrote: »

Have you tried giving

Tell him to shove it.

Just like the deftones song SHOVE IT SHOVE IT!

ya basically next time you see him,tell him **** off!

Pub07

Zillah wrote: »

You're proposing she steal his phone. Its illegal. It doesn't matter how much he owes her, she has no right to simply take his property. If he told the police they'd have to at least ask her if its true and then she'll either have to tell the truth and possibly be arrested, or lie to the cops which is a bloody stupid thing to do.

So yeah, believe it or not but recommending that people break the law is bad advice.

Newsflash: This guy had no right to take her money and not pay it back but he did it. 'Possibly be arrested'?? Ah come on, what planet are you living on, lol if you think the police have nothing better to do than get involved in an argument between two teenagers. Just like if she went to the police over the 70 quid he stole (thats what it is at this stage), they won't be interested in hearing it.

I expect him to pay back extremely promptly once she takes the phone -
1. It'll cost him more to get a new one and it's got all his numbers and stuff on it.
2. He has the money as the OP said he was making alot of money over the summer.
3. He knows the €70 is rightfully hers and he can't duck and dodge paying any more as she has leverage on him.

Pub07

And I don't see any other advice so far on how the OP could actually get whats rightfully hers back and get the whole thing resolved to her satisfaction so she can let the issue go. If you've ever had someone owe you money and they are dodging repayment you'll understand how stressful and angering it is. It's worth a shot anyway, what's she got to lose, she's all ready -70 quid.

Silverfish

Guys, helpful / on topic posts only please.


Please do not advise anything illegal, Pub07 please read the charter.

the_syco

Pub07 wrote: »

I expect him to pay back extremely promptly once she takes the phone -
1. It'll cost him more to get a new one and it's got all his numbers and stuff on it.
2. He has the money as the OP said he was making alot of money over the summer.
3. He knows the €70 is rightfully hers and he can't duck and dodge paying any more as she has leverage on him.

Dude, it's like this. ATM, the money problem is her families word against his. Garda will tell them to sort it out amongst themselves.

If she has his phone, he can play victim, Garda will see she has his phone, and arrest her. He can also turn her friends against her by playing the "poor victim".


=-=

OP: forget about him. If he sits down next to you and takes your headphones off you, turn your head towards him, and yell "F**K OFF, I SAID NO", put the headphones back on, and ignore him. If he annoys you, as before, yell at him.

Pub07

the_syco wrote: »

Dude, it's like this. ATM, the money problem is her families word against his. Garda will tell them to sort it out amongst themselves.

If she has his phone, he can play victim, Garda will see she has his phone, and arrest her. He can also turn her friends against her by playing the "poor victim".

Firstly a guy who has stolen €70 and is possible facing a statutory rape charge, the last thing on his mind is going to the gardai. And even if he did, which he won't as the gardai aren't interested in teenage drama, it's her word against his, just like with the money he stole from her. He can claim he didn't take her money? Well then she can claim she didn't take the phone.

As for turning her friends against her, you mustn't think much of her friends if you think they can be turned this easily. Maybe if the guy would leave her alone she could consider letting the €70 go and forget about the whole thing but as she says he is patronising her, rubbing it in her face and completely taking the p*ss at this stage.

Pub07

Silverfish wrote: »

Guys, helpful / on topic posts only please.


Please do not advise anything illegal, Pub07 please read the charter.

Steal: to take the property of another wrongfully

I would argue that she is not taking it wrongfully - she is taking it in lieu of having her money back which she can expect to get back fairly quickly now that the tables are turned.

If she walked into his house and he had left €70 on the table, would it be stealing and would she be wrong to take it? I would say no and no.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I know €70 seems like a lot but your better to let it go your not going to get it back. Tell him very bluntly that he has taken money from you, has refused to pay it back, that he is not your friend and that he either leaves you the hell alone from now on or you will go to the police (if he is potentially facing statutory rape charges he def wont want to go to the police!). If this guy is 18 he surely wont be in school much longer anyway?
If he comes over to you ignore him, go speak to your own friends and warn them what he is like and how you feel

I once had a loser ex who was supposed to be one of my best friends. Over time he leeched a fortune out of me through sob stories, lies and by using me (once lent him money as he was looking after his kids and wanted to treat them only to find he spent it on drugs).

It racked up to over €1000 over about a year and ironically he refused to pay a penny back (he wasnt working but wouldnt even agree to a tenner a week). As he had no money and was too lazy to get a job I knew id never get it back so I cut my losses and got him out of my life. best thing I ever did. It was an awful lot of money but I chalked it up to a life lesson it was my own fault for lending anything to such an obvious gobsh*te

70 is not much compared top the pleasure of getting this loser out of your life. he is not your friend he is just some moron you once knew

4Xcut

Stealing in a legal sense is taking the property of another without express permission. However, no-one can prove the money was stolen, they can with the phone.

Secondly, she's not that worried about the money anymore, only getting rid of him. Getting the money back would be a bonus at this stage.

Her friends, as the OP has told us, cannot see what is wrong with the guy or do not understand why she doens't like him.

OP:Next time he sits beside you, tell him very loudly to leave you and your 12 year old sister alone. Go and sit beside someone else. They will have seen what happened and he will be less likely to sit beside you, that is if he doesn't get off the bus with shame.

tbh

Pub07 wrote: »

Steal: to take the property of another wrongfully

I would argue that she is not taking it wrongfully - she is taking it in lieu of having her money back which she can expect to get back fairly quickly now that the tables are turned.

If she walked into his house and he had left €70 on the table, would it be stealing and would she be wrong to take it? I would say no and no.

you can "say" or "argue" whatever you want. Unless you're a judge, your opinion is worthless in this respect.

trio

OP, let the money go. Right now he is using it as an excuse to harangue you whenever you turn your back on him. (You'll never get it back anyway.)

So the next time he does it, just say "It's ancient history, alright? Forget about it. Stop bothering me". Then put your earphones back in. If he pulls them out? Calmly put them in again and say "I'm not going to talk to you so you needn't bother". Then don't talk to him! You need to be consistent and follow through.

If he comes up to you in school as if nothing has happened, you have to pretty much not get into a conversation at all. So you have to immediately respond with "Look, too much water under the bridge, OK?" then WALK OFF. If he follows you (as he probably will) just keep shaking your head and keep your mouth shut.

The secret in losing a friend at school is to give them as few sentences as possible. It's always best to let very little come out of your mouth. If you go on, he'll remember every word you say and go on and on trying to justify how you're wrong in thinking this and that and the other. So give no opinions, give no explanations. Just SHUT IT DOWN AND KEEP WALKING.

HarryD

IMO, 70EUR is a cheap price to get away from him..
He's trouble now and probably worse in the future..
Blank him from now on .. he's not a friend..

LegacyUser

WhatToDo? wrote: »

Yeah, he asks why not and the starts the "Oh. My. God!! I DON'T OWE YOU THAT MUCH" thing and follows me if I move so I try to ignore him.



I try to. Unfortunately his current girlfriend is in my circle of friends as are a lot of people he hangs out with and they can't see why I think he's such an arrogant pr1ck.

Mmm it is a tricky situation. I know people are saying its just 70 euro but its an awful lot of money when you are in school (or at least it was when I was a student)

Have you tried an ultimatum. i.e. I will never speak to you again unless you pay me back? If he really is that clingy he might sucumb?

If that doesn t then really try not to speak to him again.

Whatever happens try not to let it get bitchy (ie others getting involved)
Me and my friend had a fight in school over something stupid. However she got to tell her side of the story first and painted me to be the biggest b*tch going. I lost everysingle one of the group over it.

I hate this kind of going-on in school but its common sadly..

MicraBoy

I apologize in advance to mods if I am taking this off topic but the money issue seems minor compared to a few glaring quotes in the original post.

He'd been having a rough time as he had a girlfriend who was 14 while he was almost 18 and her family had got the Gardai involved.

During this time he had a falling out with his Dad and ended up spending 3 nights in my house. Following this he often invited himself to the house, sometimes even letting himself in and having a look through my stuff and my sisters'.

When my younger sister made her confirmation, he tried to convince me that she wanted him to be there.

So what do people suggest I do? What can I do?

I am not going to us the "P" word, but honestly I wouldn't have anything to do with this guy whether he owed me money or not. There are some tell tale signs there.

I'd say stop obsessing about the money and start worrying about these signs. Cut him out, do not engage. Definitely don't have him around your family home and siblings.

beth-lou

Forget the money and ignore this person at all times. If people ask why you don't like him tell them the truth. If they can't see what's wrong with how he behaved, well maybe they'll be his next bank. But seriously, forget about the money. I know it seems like a lot when you are in school, but it's just his excuse for hanging out with you. Next time you see him, say forget about the money and stay away from me. Let him say what he wants about that, eventually he will get the message.

Really bad idea about stealing his phone. That will make you no better than him and he will keep on and on and on at you and you will never get rid of him. He is a parasite and will most probably go through life sponging off people.

Get as far away as possible and keep him away. Even if he returns the money.

Marksie

PUB07: You are lucky another mod infracted you. I would have banned you for arguing with a mod in thread and continued off topic posting.
Please read the charter and take it to PM in future.

RossFixxxed

Frankly I'd pay €70 to get rid of someone like him from my life. Just cut him out, consistently. He sounds like an attention seeker, drama queen, borderline gary glitter, and a total creep.

It sucks to lose money but your peace of mind is worth more.
r