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another song to dissect

  • 03-09-2008 10:02am
    #1
    kryogen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,953 ✭✭✭✭


    eh, i put this together in about 10 minutes, literally, its nowhere near the finished article, but its a starting point for a song if you get me?

    the closest thing it sounds like is the song When your minds made up, by Glenn Hansard, its in the film once if anyone has seen it


    You say, you want love
    But you push me,
    Away from you
    So stay, stay with me now
    And I'll show you
    You wont want for more

    But you turn
    You turn
    Away from me
    Yeah you turn
    You just run
    You hide from me

    See, just like all the rest
    When it gets tough
    All you wanna do is run
    From you, from who you wanna be
    You hide your tears
    But still I can see

    So run
    Run to me now
    I'll set you free
    Dont turn
    Hold onto me, and
    I wont let you fall

    you say, you want love
    so dont push me
    away form you

    **************************

    im not happy with a lot of it or finished but since i just wrote it i said id put it up

    far from finished of course but id like it if someone wanted to hack into it anyway and tell me exactly what they think!


Comments

  • #2
    Burial
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 817 ✭✭✭Burial


    kryogen wrote: »
    eh, i put this together in about 10 minutes, literally, its nowhere near the finished article, but its a starting point for a song if you get me?

    the closest thing it sounds like is the song When your minds made up, by Glenn Hansard, its in the film once if anyone has seen it

    Honestly, without reading this part, I went straight into the lyrics, and I could think of the once song that won the oscar. (Especially for the first two verses) I think it's called falling slowly. I haven't heard When your minds made up, but I'll try and get ahold of that at the weekend, and try to match the lyrics!
    kryogen wrote: »
    You say, you want love
    But you push me,
    Away from you
    So stay, stay with me now
    And I'll show you
    You wont want for more

    But you turn
    You turn
    Away from me
    Yeah you turn
    You just run
    You hide from me

    Alot of repetition in the song. (Turn/Run, me/you) I personally don't like alot of repetitions in a song. To me it sounds as though your struggling to fill the gaps (so to say). However, some songs do use repetition to great effect.

    This would be my second verse:

    You turn, and run
    Away from me
    Yeah you turn
    To run
    To hide from me

    I know it's only 5 lines and doesn't match the 6 lines you've been following, but I just think you don't need to follow the rest of the song just because the rest is 6 lines. It just feels forced when reading it...

    As for the syllables, it sounds off.
    kryogen wrote: »

    See, just like all the rest
    When it gets tough
    All you wanna do is run
    From you, from who you wanna be
    You hide your tears
    But still I can see

    This verse (just to be different, I couldn't think of what to edit) here's what I'd do...

    See, just like the rest
    When it gets tough
    You say your never going,
    To beat the best, and you run,
    from you, from who you wanna be
    Hide your tears, For I still can see

    As for the syllables, it sounds off again.
    kryogen wrote: »
    So run
    Run to me now
    I'll set you free
    Dont turn
    Hold onto me, and
    I wont let you fall

    you say, you want love
    so dont push me
    away from you

    The syllables sound off again.

    kryogen wrote: »
    **************************

    im not happy with a lot of it or finished but since i just wrote it i said id put it up

    far from finished of course but id like it if someone wanted to hack into it anyway and tell me exactly what they think!

    I'm not happy with this song (I'm being honest!). I can't think of how to improve it and I just don't like it as is. (I struggled coming up with lyrics, at which point i gave up) The syllables sound off, and I think alot of it just sounds forced. I don't like the repetitions and I feel it lacks something, if that makes sense. All your line are short bursts and I feel it's too small, with too much repetition. The lack of rhyming, sorts of annoys me, but I can't understand why...

    (To get a jist of what I'm saying, you use "you" 20 times, "me" 7 times, "turn/run" 7 times in a 27 line song and "you/turn/run/me" 11 times in the second verse, which is 18 words long)


  • #3
    kryogen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,953 ✭✭✭✭kryogen


    cheers! thanks, like i said it was thrown out in ten minutes, no thought in it as of yet, ill take your seggestions on board though, although having played through it another couple of times i will probably end up binning it as i dont know what to do to improve it just yet

    i will say one thing, the thing you have as the second verse is actually the chorus... there is a change in rythem at that point, should probably define verses and chorus's for others benefit in future


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