Living with mother with terminal cancer

LegacyUser

Hi boardsies

I am a regular poster but would rather go unreg for this one.

Just wanted to find out if any other posters are going through anything similar to me.

My mother has terminal breast cancer. By that I mean stage IV - it is now in both breasts and both lungs. She has now had it for 5 years.

This is quite possibly the most difficult situation I have ever had to deal with in my life. I know it is harder for her but I just love her so so much and I find it so hard to deal with watching someone you love so much so unwell.

She has been reacting pretty good to her treatment so far and is now on a combination of chemo and herceptin.

The sad thing is they have had to stop giving her the herceptin as her echo (tests on her heart) have shown that she is no longer strong enough to take the herceptin (for now anyway).

I think about this every single day and it is taking its toll on me soo badly. I am soo desperately sad and feel like I am losing her.

I have no-one to talk to and I have to put on a happy face around the house as I cant let her know how sad I am.

I cant bear the thought of losing my mam as she means everything to me.

Does anyone have any thoughts/advice on how I can cope with this awful situation. You would think after 5 years I could have accepted this by now but the longer it goes on it just seems to be getting more painful.

lilmizzme

I cant imagine how you must be feeling OP. Losing a mother is such a difficult and heartbreaking situation that I dont think one ever really recovers from. A mother gives an unconditional love and support that i dont think can ever be replaced.

Its perfectly natural for you to feel like this, but is there anyone you can talk to? A sibling or family member, even a close friend? You shouldn't have to bear this on your own, and it will be easier to cope if you have someone to talk it over with.

You're going through a difficult time that no one should have too face alone. You didnt mention work, but maybe some time off would be a good idea, if you are working at the moment.

Maybe have a chat with your GP also, if you're depressed, he could prescribe something

Best of luck to you

galah

Hi Lilmizzme,

we went through the same thing for the past 5 years with my boyfriend's mom - she had terminal cancer, and passed away last March. She was like my own mother to me, so I can just about grasp how you must feel.

It is a very difficult time - do try and talk about your feelings and emotions with a friend or other relatives, don't bottle it all up. The unavoidable will happen, unfortunately, and there are difficult times ahead. Do try and enjoy the months you can spend with your mom, however, and make the time memorable and special, so you will always have something nice to remember despite the sickness.

PM me if you want.

I wish you and your mom all the strength in the world.

All the best

galah

wada

my Husband got the all clear from cancer in june, he is 28 i was 27 we have 3 kids, he was told he had cancer in march after 3 months of tests ( suspected a week before christmas). which delayed a lot of things he went for scan after scan, they didnt have a clue what it was and could not do a bi opsy as if it was cancer it would have made it go mad and spread like wild fire. he got it removed and he had two types of cancer, they caught it before it moved to the lymph nodes they detected cancer cells up the tube heading towards the lymph node. he had chemo and went back to work in july.
thats the short of it but it was far from simple.

its an emotional rollercoaster ups and down, walking on egg shells all i can say is make the most of the time you have left, sit with her, talk, look at the old photos, and most of all cry, dont bottle it up you need to release the pressure thats building up inside, enjoy each day as you have it, i dont know how long you mom has left but if things need to be said say them. its hard very hard as your trying to be strong for her aswell.

i in fact was quite how would you say UP front with his condition we didnt know how bad it was and how far it had spread he was dead as far as he was concerned. so we talked about death and life for me after he was gone and we cried and we laughed. sooner or later life for you will go on you seem to be living on pause at the moment, talk to your friends they will all have comforting words for you, but you will need them more when the time comes to say goodbye.

your moms a lucky to have a daughter who cares so much.

sorry i cant help more its just what i would have done if my husband had been terminal.

Mary42

Hi
I have an idea what you are going through as my dad had a brain haemorrhage and my aunt had a stroke within 24 hours of each other. Dad barely survived (mum was in the house with him when it happened and got an ambulance straight away it happened - if he had been on his own he would have died) and unfortunately my aunt (mum's sister) died a fortnight later (although I realise losing your mum is worse that losing an aunt) and my mum had a stroke a few months later. Both parents are now in a nursing home. Also I am an only child so it was quite stressful.

Also enjoy the time you have left with your mum - it will help you when the inevitable happens. At least she is reacting good to the treatment.

Have you tried the Irish Cancer Society? They will be able to advise you and may be able to talk to someone who has been in the same boat. Also do you have friends you can talk to as I found my friends were the ones who got me through it. Understandably you want to be strong for your mum (I felt I couldn't get upset in from of my mum when dad and my aunt were sick) but don't be afraid to let friends see you cry - genuine friends will want to help you.

Mary42

Hi
I have an idea what you are going through as my dad had a brain haemorrhage and my aunt had a stroke within 24 hours of each other. Dad barely survived (mum was in the house with him when it happened and got an ambulance straight away it happened - if he had been on his own he would have died) and unfortunately my aunt (mum's sister) died a fortnight later (although I realise losing your mum is worse that losing an aunt) and my mum had a stroke a few months later. Both parents are now in a nursing home. Also I am an only child so it was quite stressful.

Also enjoy the time you have left with your mum - it will help you when the inevitable happens. At least she is reacting good to the treatment.

Have you tried the Irish Cancer Society? They will be able to advise you and may be able to talk to someone who has been in the same boat. Also do you have friends you can talk to as I found my friends were the ones who got me through it. Understandably you want to be strong for your mum (I felt I couldn't get upset in from of my mum when dad and my aunt were sick) but don't be afraid to let friends see you cry - genuine friends will want to help you.

Odysseus

Hi my Dad died this year from cancer this year we had him at home for the last six weeks of his life. Basically we had to divide his care between us four sibs to have someone their 24/7.

It had its up and downs, and initially I was not sure about having him home to die as I wasn't sure about how my sibs would cope, however, it gave me the opportunity to spent more time with him which now I am grateful for.

I'm a psychotherapist so a lot of the family where looking to me for support, but I was lucly in that I had plently of people to talk to due to the nature of my work.

I suppose that I'm just saying what the other posters are saying get people around you who you can talk opemly to, if not try contacting a professional it help to talk about anticipatory grieve. Secondly make the most pf the time you have, remember you won't always get things perfect, but I discovered there are no rights and wrongs in situations like this, things just are the way they are. Hope this makes some sense and maybe helps a little.

Wurly

Hi OP.

I am in the same boat. My father has had terminal lung cancer for the past 2 years. At the height of the condition, he dropped from 15 stone to 8.5 and he is 6 foot 3. He also lost his swallowing function completely and had to be peg fed. He has since put on weight and if he holds his breath, he can swallow yoghurt. This is only in the past two or so months.

Sometimes, I am okay. The next, I am heartbroken. I can't imagine him not being here and I hate the feeling of helplessness. His sight is really bad due to nerve damage and he is so weak, he can barely walk. Its agonising to see.

How do I cope? Well i'm not sure. I went to ARC on Eccles St and spoke to a counsellor in there. This was when he was initially diagnosed. It didnt help me at the time as I could not accept what was happening. But I would suggest going there. There is a sense of peace about the place. They have meditation classes or you can just sit and have tea and chats with other people in the same situation.

I keep myself busy - I do stuff that I like doing. I spend time with my dad. I find this difficult though as I don't know what to say to him anymore. he is bed bound so there is no getting away from the situation. But I talk to him about my life and I ask him questions and his opinions. I want to learn as much as I can about him before its too late.

If you ever need a shoulder, please please PM me. Don't ever feel like you have no-one to talk to.xx

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I just saw your message there and wanted to just say what your feeling is so normal for a situation like this, its very hard to accept. Do you have any support around you? You said you have to put on a brave face but thats not good for you, you know? You need a bit of support with this too, maybe try and talk to friends? Have you any brothers or sisters? My partners two parents have been diagnosed with terminal cancer this year, they are only in their 50's, and its just heartbreaking. I don't have much family myself apart from my dad, so I feel like they are my family and its breaking my heart that they won't be around. My only advice is just take every day as it comes. It does become overwhelming sometimes, my boyfriend puts on a brave face i think sometimes but he has been restless in his sleep and crying in his sleep all week etc. I don't know where you are in the country but in Cork there is a cancer support house near UCC which gives great support to people with cancer and their family and friends. And as the other poster mentioned theres ARC house if your in Dub.

Hang in there, allow yourself to feel whatever your feeling and do talk about it. If not to your friends keep posting here at least to get it out of your system a bit.

Take care xx

ilovetulips

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

I was very close to my father. He died of cancer some years back.
It is very difficult to deal with all the emotions. You feel like you should be strong for her but its so hard because you love her so much.
Nothing makes the pain, of watching someone you love suffer, disappear. However, I also attended ARC counselling sessions both with my family and alone. Both helped a great deal. I understand not many people are comfortable talking about their problems, especially to strangers, but it does really help to get it all out.
If that doesn't suit at times, I would also recommend keeping a journal. Write your feelings down. It just helps to get all those emotions out.
In the meantime, carry on being the loving daughter that you are. That's the best thing for both you and your mother.

I hope you feel better soon

LegacyUser

Hi, my mam Marie died of breast cancer 2 weeks ago. She was 43, she had it for 2 years and it spread to her lungs, liver and brain. Since around February this year we knew she was going to die from it fairly soon. I'm 22, i'm an only child and lived alone with my mam and we were best friends.So I know how bad it feels. We tried to enjoy ourselves as much as possible, she tried to go out every day and do things, and we did a lot of talking and shopping and things we used to normally do. We always watched films together but she couldnt really concentrate on them when she knew she was so sick. My advice to anyone going through the same thing is, talk to her about absolutely everything, ask her questions, have a laugh with her, don't spend all the time talking about cancer and waiting for her to die. I told her that I didn't want to see her after she died, but when it actually happened I changed my mind, and it was a great relief. Sounds like a cliche, but it was such a relief to see how peaceful she was. Palliative care is brilliant, the doctors were all so nice and helpful. When my mams pains got bad, they gave her a lot of morpheine so she was really calm and in good spirits right up until the day she died. She was just really sleepy, but she was smiley when she woke up she was just totally relaxed and watching the news and eating icepops. so i suppose i just want to say that it's not always a traumatic kind of scary death that you hear about with cancer.
i think if you can withstand your mother dying you can take on just about anything, i dont think theres anything worse that can happen to you after that. my mam was cremated and i have her ashes here beside me so she's not off on her own in a graveyard somewhere. use the opportunity to mind her when shes sick and then afterwards by looking after her memory and her ashes/grave. mind her like she minded you, and you will feel responsible to enjoy yourself as much as she would have if she was able to.

MJOR

Hi OP,


I have lost both of parents after long term ilnesses. I understand how you feel about putting on a happy face and just gettig through the day. All i can say is that you are strong enough to get through it but you do not have to do it alone. Confide in a friend or a counsellor about how you're feeling it's the best thing for you. Corny as it sound a problem shared is a problem halfed.


Good luck xxxx I know day to day life can be a struggle but you will get thru this. The death part is hard but the care that your mom will get in the run up to it will make it bearable for you both. She won't be in any pain or distress. In a sense the cure is worse than the disease so it won't be like it is when ahe is having treatment. It's a scary prospect but she won't be in any pain.

rebel girl 15

hi, I came across your post. Two of my best friends lost their mothers to cancer when they were 12. I lost a dear and valued coach last January to cancer as well. Another friends of mine lost his mother a few months back, after being given the all clear from cancer, yet she had it.

Just seize each day, make the most of it and have no regrets. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Talking like this can help, or the irish cancer society can maybe give you some advice. Take care, and carpe diem

LegacyUser

Hi

I am the Op.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. They really help.

Just to let you know, we have had more bad news of late and it has actually spread now to her back aswell. She is in quite a lot of back pain.

I have asked my father for her prognosis (how long she has left) as I wouldnt dare ask my mother this sort of question. He said he doesnt know because she doesnt want to know.

Does anyone out there have any idea of how much longer she may have left?

I know this is a very strange question, but I think if I had an idea it might help me come to terms and prepare myself for the worst

Alun

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your mother. I lost both my parents to cancer, and in both cases it spread from the primary site to other organs, and the defining moment really was when it spread to the liver. Once it had spread there it was literally a matter of weeks, and as far as I know, they effectively died of liver failure rather than the cancer itself.

Whilst you can understand and respect her wishes not to know her own prognosis, it certainly makes it very difficult for both you and the rest of the family not to know, although if that's her wishes there's not a lot you can do.

Stargal

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. For what it's worth, I don't think it's strange at all to want to know the prognosis. Different people deal with it in different ways. My dad found out he has bone marrow cancer (myeloma) in August and it's not curable. Neither he nor my mam have asked about the prognosis though. It's just their way of dealing with it - they'd rather just take everything as it comes.

I'm in two minds about it. At first I was angry with them for not asking about the prognosis but over the past few months I've come to understand their decision more, especially since Dad seems on the outside at least to be as healthy as he's ever been. It's a tough decision.

If your mum has hospital appointments then you could go along to one and ask to speak to one of her doctors there by yourself. Otherwise you could try ringing up someone from her care team and asking if you could have a meeting with them to discuss it. You should tell your dad about what you're doing if you do decide to do something like this, however.

I hope you've got someone you can talk to about all this. And don't focus too much on putting on a happy face around the house. She's your mum, she'll know when you're trying to pretend that things are ok. Talk to her about how you're feeling and let her know how much she means to you. Look over photographs with her. Remind her of things that she did for you that meant a lot to you. Someone mentioned talking to the Irish Cancer Society; they're really good and definitely worth ringing.

Hope you're doing ok x

Happy121

Firstly, I am sorry to read that things are getting worse.

I went through the same situation as you when my Mum had cancer. I had to phone the oncology team to find out. I am glad I did as it let me know how precious each and every day was.

I fully understand how your Dad feels. It is an unwillingness to discuss the 'unmentionable'.

As a parent now myself, to two girls (11 and 14), I have to face the same type of situation as I have cancer. Myself and my wife do not discuss my death, we live for today, tomorrow is just a gift that we no longer take for granted.

You have my deepest sorrow for what you are going through, it is one of the toughest time of your life.

If I can offer advice, it would be honest, open communication between all of your family. None of us every want to discuss death, it is not natural for us, but we need to show our love to each other, ever day, as if it was our last.

David.

jaybo1

Can someone please help me about secondary bone cancer. my mom was just told she has it a tumour on her vertabrae. she is 62. she had breast cancer 10 years ago. is there hope if she gets treatment for any lenght of time? im so distraught, and there is only bad info out there. she has to be diagnosed for the best treatment next week. the doctors did not even call her in after an xray on her back which she had to ask for because it was sore. my sister had to keep ringing to get anyone to give her results. they would not contact her after the scan. im so angry and so upset. has anyone any help? Im so so sorry and proud of all of you who have posted here. Please. I want to do something

FX Meister

I just lost my mother in June to cancer, we only found out nine months before and when she did die it was really sudden. We thought we had longer with her but at least she didn't suffer. I made sure I spent as much time as I could with her before she left us and she was happy that all her kids were at a stage in life that she didn't need to look after us anymore. It was really hard for me to deal with after and only now I'm starting to live with it.

DrivingMad

My dad was diagnosed in march this year with prostate cancer, and unfortunately it had spread by this time to his bones. He had the chemo, but it did not have the results we had hoped for. We now have the task of living day to day, waiting for the next progression and seeking a solution to help it. My dad is and has always been a get up and go kinda guy and it is heartbreaking for me to see him slow down, and not even want to do things that he would not have thought twice about doing last year. Both he and my mum are not asking the questions that I like you OP feel I want to know, so, I have seen my local GP and asked the question "what will I expect to see in order for me to say for example call the family?" I was given a concise answer, and I think to be honest he was glad I didn't ask the usual ...How long..?
I am a very practical person, and can cope well with any situation. I am injecting my dad every week to help his blood. But, I too am finding it very hard to talk to anyone about it. Unfortunately, I am not good at crying, I blub and cannot talk at all. (Quite envious of people who can actually!) Therefore, I push things to the back of my mind, and deal with the practicalities. If I do get upset I make sure that I am alone and dont have to talk to anyone at the time.
I want to spend more time with my dad, and I will. This Christmas will be very special for us.
I would suggest that you talk to your GP to ask what to expect next, and please realise that you are not alone, there are a few of us out there in similar boats. This is the first time that I have been able to vent at least some of my feelings, thankfully I can still type and cry at the same time! Good luck to you OP.

kleefarr

Stargal wrote: »

My dad found out he has bone marrow cancer (myeloma) in August and it's not curable.

Hi Stargal,

I am in the same position as you as of yesterday.
I got an email from my father saying that he had got results back from the Doctor regarding a back problem he has had for a couple of years. He has Myeloma, but said in the Doctor told him there was nothing to worry about.
But from what I have read Chemo and bone marrow transplants are two of the main ways to postpone the spread.
My situation is difficult because I live here and my mother and father live in Cyprus. My mother is in a nursing home out there and will be no support to my father. My sister is distraught already and she lives in Naples Italy. She got the email first.

Best stop now before I start waffling.

May I ask how your father is?

Kevin

tbh

Kevin - it's an old thread so you may not get any answers. I'm happy to split your post out to a new one if you'd like or leave it here for now. You waffle away as much as you like man, that's why we're here.

not yet

Hi OP, All I can say is get as much support as possible, family,friends professionals etc. take time to yourself, try relax and take time to reflect on everything she means to you and tell her that. It is a horrible time just try be strong, god bless.