Torn between 2 exes!!

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

I have somehow landed myself in a very confusing situation and need some advice.
Here's the story -

My ex boyfriend who I was madly in love with broke up with me 2 years ago. We had been together for
5 years but towards the end we were fighting all the time and all the passion was gone. It was time to
part ways. I was really cut up over the break up and tried to get him back numerous times but to no avail.
We hooked up a few times but would always end up fighting about the past and it would end.

I met a really great guy at Christmas time but broke up with him in June after 6 fun filled months. The reason for
this was he told me he was in love with me and I realised that I wasn't. My heart still belonged to my original ex.
He was very upset but understanding and appreciated my honesty. I told him that while I loved him and respected him,
my heart wasn't fully in it. We didn't speak for about 2 months but recently he's gotten back in touch and wants to be friends.

Typically, my original ex has also come back on the scene. We've met up for dinner and drinks and have been getting on great.
He wants to give things another shot and so do I. I'm approaching this with caution though as we have fallen apart so many times
in the past. Last week however I met up with my current ex (I'll call him Conor) and we ended up having sex.

So, I now have 2 ex boyfriends wanting to reconcile and I don't know what to do. I feel so dishonest for leading them both on
and for sleeping with them both but I guess part of me wants to keep my options open. I was thinking of suggesting to Conor
that we become 'friends with benefits' and maybe do the same with James. that way I'm not cheating on anyone.

Is that a mad idea or could it work? Is it disrespectful to suggest to an ex that you become s*x buddies when you know they still
love you or would many guys like this idea? I can quite easily have sex without emotion and I assume most men can too..

chickenhawk

Let them move on and you should too.

It's not fair to keep them both just until you make up your mind and/or move on.

citeal

they are both emotionally attached to you so it would be extremely unfair of you to try a sex-only arrangement with either of them, particularly as you claim to care about them both.

My advice would be to knock it on the head with Conor as he's only complicating the situation & see if you can work things out with James - nothign ventured, nothing gained. Put a 6 month time limit on it, if the same problems are arising, walk away.

My name is URL

Shag one, ditch the other. Otherwise, no matter how you try to dress it up it's both selfish and slutty. Chances are they only want sex from you too, either that or they have no idea what kind of person you really are

Karen_*

Well do whatever you want and never mind anyone elses feelings. As long as you're happy isn't that the main thing?

Having sex without emotions is one thing and fair play to you if you can do it but do it without walking all over the emotions of anyone else. Or you might find that you have no one to have sex with.

Beruthiel

I you cannot decide yourself, then neither are for you.

Wibbs

Oh they may be very dangerous emotional waters to navigate. If you are facing a choice in love between two people, chances are high you don't love either of them enough. Obvious but largely true. That's where your confusion most likely stems from. Throw in that there are probably aspects of both you would like if they were in the same bloke too. Plus it's easy for you. OK it may not feel like it at times, but lets face it you are having your cake and eating it. That's bloody unfair to them and ultimately you.

Friends with benefits only works if both are on the same page. Your exes are on different pages. In cases like that someone is going to get hurt. Ironically it's often the one who thinks they can keep the emotions at bay. So it could well be you that gets more of a hurt from this. What's likely to happen is one or both of them will get tired of this and move on. I would put money it'll be the one that you decide to go for too. Life is funny that way.

I would advise stepping back for a time. Keep the sex off the menu and see which person floats your boat more. keeping sex out of it for a time will minimise the complications. Basically disengage your crotch and let your brain and heart do the thinking for a while. If you can't do that or say it's too difficult when you get the "urge", then this won't resolve and will come back and bite you.

If you still fancy the long term ex of all those years, he may be the obvious choice if the things that split you are now resolved. The newer guy is more of a novelty IMHO. If he wasn't it would have lasted longer

AngryBadger

tornbetween2 wrote: »

I was thinking of suggesting to Conor
that we become 'friends with benefits' and maybe do the same with James. that way I'm not cheating on anyone.

Except yourself, and both of them since you've already said you'd like to give it a go with ex number 1, but suddenly you're thinking of stringing them both along evern though you know you're not attracted to ex number 2.

tornbetween2 wrote: »

Is that a mad idea or could it work? Is it disrespectful to suggest to an ex that you become s*x buddies when you know they still
love you

Yes

tornbetween2 wrote: »

I can quite easily have sex without emotion and I assume most men can too..

It doesn't matter what you can do, what matters is how honest your choices are for the two guys involved. If you tell them about each other then fine, everyone is fully appraised and free to make whatever choice they want. However, if you just offer them both the "fcuk buddy" option without pointing out that you're only doing this so you don't have to choose between them, that's not really ok.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh they may be very dangerous emotional waters to navigate. If you are facing a choice in love between two people, chances are high you don't love either of them enough. Obvious but largely true. That's where your confusion most likely stems from. Throw in that there are probably aspects of both you would like if they were in the same bloke too. Plus it's easy for you. OK it may not feel like it at times, but lets face it you are having your cake and eating it. That's bloody unfair to them and ultimately you.

Friends with benefits only works if both are on the same page. Your exes are on different pages. In cases like that someone is going to get hurt. Ironically it's often the one who thinks they can keep the emotions at bay. So it could well be you that gets more of a hurt from this. What's likely to happen is one or both of them will get tired of this and move on. I would put money it'll be the one that you decide to go for too. Life is funny that way.

I would advise stepping back for a time. Keep the sex off the menu and see which person floats your boat more. keeping sex out of it for a time will minimise the complications. Basically disengage your crotch and let your brain and heart do the thinking for a while. If you can't do that or say it's too difficult when you get the "urge", then this won't resolve and will come back and bite you.

If you still fancy the long term ex of all those years, he may be the obvious choice if the things that split you are now resolved. The newer guy is more of a novelty IMHO. If he wasn't it would have lasted longer

Thank you & thanks to everyone who replied. I know i must come off as extremely selfish and at the moment that would be true. I am having my cake and eating it. I know that Conor really does love me. He'd do anything for me so it's very unfair to lead him on. However, I did tell him that I still have doubts and that I don't think I want a reltionship. He said he's happy just so long as I'm in his life in any way at all.

James, my long term ex, is a little trickier. I do still love him, I feel like I always will but I'm scared because we've fallen apart so many times. I f I knew he was really committed to me, he's the one I'd choose.

The worst part is the lying which I hate doing. James asked me if Conor is still in touch and I say no. Vice versa with Conor. This is wrong and it's unlike me to act like this. I admit it's somewhat slutty. I can dress it up as confusion all I want but it really is about me having a high sex drive and two men massaging my ego and giving me what I want.

I do not feel good about this and if a guy was doing this we'd all call him a dirty bastard. Shameful really shagging two men.

Velvet Vocals

Beruthiel wrote: »

I you cannot decide yourself, then neither are for you.

I totally agree with this... it's time for someone new. Someone that you can fall in love with and get over ex number 1
Its hard, I know to turn down the friends with benefits option... especially when one is single...and has needs... but in the long run it'll be less complicated if you move away from them both
In saying that... life with complications is interesting:)

humanji

Whatever about Conor, I can't see any future with James. You had your moment, the passion disappeared and you started fighting. If you get back together the passion will be renewed and you'll think everything is great. But soon all the little things you fought about will reappear. You split up for a reason. It's natural to want to go back to the good times, but you can't without having to deal with the bad times too.

With regards to Conor, I'd say let him go. He's crazy about you, but you don't feel the same about him, and it's unlikely you'll suddenly fall in love with him anytime soon. For you, he'll always be second best to James and it's unfair of you to "settle" for him.

Just leave them be, it'll be better for all of you in the long run.

beth-lou

Definitely let poor old Conor go. You are only using him and that's very unfair. You have no intention of settling down with him, and I'd imagine he is hanging in there in the hope that you change your mind, no matter what he tells you.

The other ex sounds like a lost cause too I'm afraid. If you were truely in love with him you wouldn't think twice about Conor. I think deep down you know this is not going to work either. Sure, you'll have a great first few weeks, the sex will be great and things will look good. But if you're in a habit of fighting and you never sorted those issues out the first time round, there is a good chance they will arise again.

Move on and wait for someone you really have a connection with. Seeing these two is actually holding you back and you are damaging yourself as well as them.

Best of luck!

Rayven199

IMO exes are exes for a reason.

Just dont go there, move on and let them do the same.

AARRRGH

As both men are (intentionally or not) causing drama, and as there is probably a lot more drama to come, it would make sense to call it quits so the three of you can get on with your lives.

pisslips

As far as ''sex buddies'' is concerned, it's perfectly fine imo, if you can be honest and clear about the situation and you're not like, doin' his best friend or anything. This obviously isn't the case, you're obviously being selfish and you're lieing.
Moral: Never Lie.
People seem to find it very hard to grasp that.

MagicMarker

tornbetween2 wrote: »

Hey Guys,

I have somehow landed myself in a very confusing situation and need some advice.
Here's the story -

My ex boyfriend who I was madly in love with broke up with me 2 years ago. We had been together for
5 years but towards the end we were fighting all the time and all the passion was gone. It was time to
part ways. I was really cut up over the break up and tried to get him back numerous times but to no avail.
We hooked up a few times but would always end up fighting about the past and it would end.

I met a really great guy at Christmas time but broke up with him in June after 6 fun filled months. The reason for
this was he told me he was in love with me and I realised that I wasn't. My heart still belonged to my original ex.
He was very upset but understanding and appreciated my honesty. I told him that while I loved him and respected him,
my heart wasn't fully in it. We didn't speak for about 2 months but recently he's gotten back in touch and wants to be friends.

Typically, my original ex has also come back on the scene. We've met up for dinner and drinks and have been getting on great.
He wants to give things another shot and so do I. I'm approaching this with caution though as we have fallen apart so many times
in the past. Last week however I met up with my current ex (I'll call him Conor) and we ended up having sex.

So, I now have 2 ex boyfriends wanting to reconcile and I don't know what to do. I feel so dishonest for leading them both on
and for sleeping with them both but I guess part of me wants to keep my options open. I was thinking of suggesting to Conor
that we become 'friends with benefits' and maybe do the same with James. that way I'm not cheating on anyone.

Is that a mad idea or could it work? Is it disrespectful to suggest to an ex that you become s*x buddies when you know they still
love you or would many guys like this idea? I can quite easily have sex without emotion and I assume most men can too..

I suggest you stop thinking of your own needs and maybe take into consideration other peoples feelings.

:rolleyes: