bad au pair experience

jake59

We have been using au pairs for the last year for our 3 year old daughter and 6 year old boy with no problem. On saturday i collected a new au pair from the bus stop (she came from working with another family in Ireland) and i had her dropped off at Dublin Airport by Sunday evening due to her over agggressive behaviour towards my wife and our children. Has anybody else any good or bad experiences with au pairs?

MrPudding

Over our time in Dublin we had about a dozen Au Pairs. One really bad experience, a couple of unpleasant ones, lots of OK ones, a couple of pretty good ones and 2 amazing ones. Fairly standard distribution really.

I would be very suspicious of any Au Pair moving from another family, unless I knew exactly why they were moving. We took 2 Au Pairs that came from other families, but they were leaving in a positive way, either simply moving to experience a new family or because the previous family no longer needed an Au Pair.

Our very bad experience was very upsetting and if we were not so dependent on having an au pair at the time, we may have given up. This particular girl only lasted one day with the next family. I felt sorry for the next family as I knew it would not work out. I would have warned them but when she came to pick the Au Pair up from our house she looked at me as if I was a monster. She had obviously heard a few tails from the lovely Au Pair... She did something similar at the school the kids went to.

What I would say is, stick it out. When you have really great Au Pair experience it makes it worthwhile. The kids are so happy and life is so much easier.

Stick with it if you can.

MrP

SarahMc

MrPudding wrote: »

Over our time in Dublin we had about a dozen Au Pairs.

:eek: Weren't you concerned about continuity of care? I have heard horror stories from both sides. Most parents in Ireland simply do not understand what an au pair is, and there tends to be a huge gap in expectations.

MrPudding

SarahMc wrote: »

:eek: Weren't you concerned about continuity of care? I have heard horror stories from both sides. Most parents in Ireland simply do not understand what an au pair is, and there tends to be a huge gap in expectations.

We had concerns, but we had little choice. Ideally one of us would have stayed at home, but we could not afford it at the time. We needed two salaries so Au Pair was the only way to go. We knew several Au Pairs on a friendly basis before we got our first, so we had a very good grasp of the do's and don'ts.

For the most part the Au Pair experience we had was very very positive. We did have a couple of bad experiences but they were very short. When we had a good Au Pair we tended to hold onto her. We actually had 2 that stayed for over a year and one that stayed for 2 years. We are still in touch with quite a few of them and 4 of them come to visit us and stay with us.

MrP

jake59

You have much more experience than we have with them so exactly what are your expectations of your au pair? I know every household is different but from your own viewpoint what would you expect of them?
In future I will check and recheck references.....

StormWarrior

I became an au pair at the age of 22. A few months before the job was due to start, tha family invited me over for a week so that we could meet each other and see that we got on. I told them in advance that I was vegetarian and they said no problem. When I arrived, they picked me up, were really friendly, gave me something like a veggie burger each day instead of the meat they were having (obviously I had the rice, salad or whatever else they were having as well.) arranged for a local girl to take me out clubbing so I could see the nightlife and generally went out of their way to be nice to me. They told me that I would be working Mon-Thurs, from 6.45am-5pm. They said that, as per the au pair rules, they would pay for me to take language classes. My duties would be to watch the kids on those days until their parents came home, keep the house tidy on those days and walk the dog. They seemed awesome and I couldn't wait to start.

When I moved there to stay, the cheapest flight I could find landed at 9pm. I asked if this was OK before I booked it and they said yes, and they would come and pick me up, as the rules of the au pair agency demanded. When I arrived at the airport I phoned them to ask where they were and they told me they were not coming because they have work the next day and want to go to bed, and I should get the bus. I didn't know the city and wandered around in the dark (dragging 2 heavy suitcases and a backpacking bag) trying to find which bus to get but it was impossible to work out. I phoned back for help. They were angry and said I should have looked up bus times before I arrived (despite the fact that they said they would get me!) In the end I had to get a taxi. The taxi got lost on the way as they live in a confusing place but they refused to help. They told me it was my own fault for being so stupid as to book a late flight, despite the fact that I had ok'd it with them first and seemed unable to comprehend the fact that I had chosen that flight because it was the cheapest.

It was downhill from there. They did not stick to the agreed working times and I rarely got an evening or weekend free. The treated me like a slave. The rules of the au pair agency said you must not make the au pair do any heavy housework like spring cleaning, you musn't make them do ironing or work them for more than 40 hours a week. But the family made me do all the ironing for the whole family, spring clean the whole house from top to bottom every week, and usually made me work more than the 40 hours. By the time the parents arrived home each day I was so tired sometimes I would go and lie down on my bed, then they would yell at me for being antisocial. They frequently barged into my room without knocking and did not leave if I was undressing or had just got out of the shower. I did not care about this when it was just the mum or the little girl but even the dad and the teenage boys would do this. The dad often barged in when I was in the shower and would make me stand there in only a little towel, dripping wet while he yelled at me or told me my duties for the next day. It was very humiliating.

They gave me an impossible amount of work to do (including walking the dog for 2 hours a day!!!) and if I had not completed it by the time they came home they would scream at me and tell me I was stupid. I would be blamed for everything. If one of the kids even put the butter back on the wrong shelf the dad would make me stand to attention while he yelled at me. If there was so much as one shoe out of place when they arrived home they would scream at me. They had 3 kids, and that's all I should have been looking after but the kids frequently had 2 friends round each. In the holidays the parents would go out having fun while I was at home trying to keep 9 naughty kids under control, and woe betide me if there was the slightest thing out of place when they got home.

They are meant to pay the au pair when she arrives but they didn't bother to start paying me until I'd been there about a month, and even then only because I kept asking as I was short of money. I had brought money with me but had to spend it all on food. Once I lived there they didn't bother feeding me properly any more. At breakfast time I would be allowed cereal with yoghurt, and at dinner time they would give me a scoopful of rice and some salad. That's all! I was constantly staving and lost weight, even though I wasn't overweight to begin with. If I helped myself to anything out of the fridge, even an egg, the parents would shout at me for "eating so much!" I therefore spent all of the money I had brought with me on food very quickly.

They refused to pay for the promised language classes. They treated me like a slave who was only there to do all of their work for them, and yelled at me and insulted me frequently for things that were not even my fault. When I expressed an interest in leaving, they took away my suitcases and locked them in the shed, and tried to take away my passport but I hid it. One day while they were out I found the key to the shed, got my suitcases, packed my stuff and ran away.

This is just a brief bit about what it was like, they did loads of other stuff that just made it unbearable for me to stay there. Parents are always complaining about au pairs, but seriously, think how hard it is for the au pair. They are young girls with not much experience, being used as cheap labour and having tons of demands placed on them. They live with their employer and so never really get a break from it if the employer is horrible. However hard it is for the parent, it's usually worse for the au pair. I would ask the employers to think how they would want their daughter to be treated if she was an au pair. Rant over!

bazwaldo

Holy smoke!!!!!!! Could you not have contacted the agency when they started messing you around? And then the gardai(if this in Eire) and it sounds like false imprisonment. I don't know the rights an au pair has, but if there are any, I'd say they were all breached.

LolaDub

Thats a bad story alright. I hope you reported them!

kelle

StormWarrior, I am shocked at your post! Just like the post Demonique sent in another thread, it's hard to believe people like that exist. Did this happen in Ireland? Other au pairs should be warned against these evil monsters!

MrPudding

jake59 wrote: »

You have much more experience than we have with them so exactly what are your expectations of your au pair? I know every household is different but from your own viewpoint what would you expect of them?
In future I will check and recheck references.....

OK. The Au Pair is there to look after your kids. That is pretty much it. They are not there to clean your house, do your washing and ironing and cook for the whole family, though they should tidy after the kids, perhaps wash the kids clothes and cook for the kids. Obviously they are also responsible for keeping their own room clean and tidy. In our experience it is the difference between what a family thinks an Au Pair should do and what they actually should do that causes most problems.

We also tried to treat the Au Pair more like a friend or family member rather than an employee. If you have the right person this can be very easy. Obviously the wrong person makes it very difficult. The thing you have to remember is this person will be looking after your children when you are not around and living in the same house as you. It just makes sense to treat them with respect. Firstly it is simply the right thing to do and secondly a happy Au Pair is more likely to be nicer to your children and more flexible with you.

When your new Au Pair arrives sit them down over a cup of tea and have a chat. Explain exactly what you expect and listen carefully to what they expect. Work out any differences right then and there. Be prepared to be flexible if you need to be. Don’t get too caught up in the “I am the boss” way of thinking. At the end of the day you are the boss but you need to be aware that your ideas might be different to hers.

Do what you can to help them settle into your house and the place where you live. We normally put them in contact with other Au Pairs we knew, agencies generally do this but we stopped using agencies once we started getting Au Pairs on recommendation, this give them a bit of social support and people to go out with. Find out what interests they have and point them in the direction of places of interest.

We tended to pay a little over the odds, only maybe €10 per week extra, but that means a lot, especially when they are comparing rates with other Au Pairs that they meet. We also provided a pay as you go phone with some credit in it. They were responsible for keeping credit in it, but at least they had a phone.

Beyond that we tried to be flexible with nights and weekends off, friends coming round and stuff like that.

The thing to remember is that this is possibly the first time they have been away from home and it is a fairly scary experience. Imagine it was your daughter or son and think about how you would like them treated.

Finally, and most importantly, if it is not working out end it. Sometime you can have a couple of minor problems that a quick chat and realignment of expectations (possibly on both sides,) can fix. Sometime you just know it cannot be fixed. When you know it can’t be fixed, for whatever reason, move on. No good will come of it.

I personally think that having an Au Pair can be an amazing experience for the children. Our kids have benefited enormously from it and we have had several Au Pairs who have become great friends and still come to visit and who we have the option of visiting.

Just use a bit of common sense.

StormWarrior wrote: »

SNIP Awful experience.....

I did not want to quote your whole post as it was very long, but it was a disgusting experience. Unfortunately though, Au Pair experiences like this are not uncommon.

As I mentioned in a previous post, we knew a lot of Au Pairs and some of them had really bad experience with some of the most awful people. One of the worst I heard was this:

We had a friend who was living with a family in Swords. There was 4 kids and a lot of housework to do. The girl got a call late one afternoon telling her that the family would be going out for dinner and she needed to bring the kids into town and meet up with the parents. The Au Pair did as she was asked and got the four kids, two of them toddlers, ready and onto the bus.

When she arrived at the restaurant the mother came out, took the kids and went back into the restaurant leaving the Au Pair standing in the street.

Now, in the grand scheme of things this may not seem like a big deal, but to me it show a startling disregard for another persons feelings. Disgusting IMO.

MrP

jake59

We also tried to treat the Au Pair more like a friend or family member rather than an employee. If you have the right person this can be very easy. Obviously the wrong person makes it very difficult. The thing you have to remember is this person will be looking after your children when you are not around and living in the same house as you. It just makes sense to treat them with respect. Firstly it is simply the right thing to do and secondly a happy Au Pair is more likely to be nicer to your children and more flexible with you.


Thats exactly how we are with au pairs we have had previously even down to giving them a pay as you go mobile. We have always treated au pairs with respect and on the evening they come to us we bring them out for a meal with the children so we can have a chat and all get to know each other a bit. Previous au pairs were basically part of the family where they stayed with my parents if they wanted to spend the weekend in Dublin and hung out with other au pairs we put them in contact with in the area. I always say to them as well that there may be disagreements as there are in any family from time to time but to get everything out in the open so if any problems arise they can be dealt with. We are still in contact with both of our previous au pairs and they still send presents to the children on their birthdays and the children still chat on the phone to them. Having had such good experiences what happened last week really surprised us and we are only glad that we dealt with the situation before the children were put in harms way.

As you can see from SW's post though there are plenty of horrible people out there.

StormWarrior

No this did not happen in Ireland. It happened in another EU country which shall remain nameless because apart from this bad experience I love the country in question and don't want people to think badly of it just because of these rotten parents. The au pair agency said that all they could do was strike the family off their list and not find them another au pair. No other family on their books was in the city that I was in and I didn't want to move to a new city so I just went home.

The three children I was looking after treated me like their older sister and I came to love them. I was sad to leave them (especially as their father hits them although hitting kids is illegal in the country in question - yes I reported the violence) but I could not tolerate the way the parents were treating me. I cried nearly every day because they were so horrible. The parents did not seem to like the brother/sisters relationship me and the kids had struck up, it was like they would rather I was just their employee than a family member. They never showed any interest in what little free time I got. They should have been treating me like I was their daughter, but if I went out they never bothered asking, "When will you be home?" or "Do you have people to go with, will you be safe?" or anything like that. As long as I was there when my work started, they couldn't have cared less if I was wondering the streets alone in the middle of the night, or if I got lost. They never asked me anything, just barked orders.

Once I went out on an errand and decided to take a shortcut home across the forest. I didn't realise how big and confusing the forest was and I got very, very lost. I had told the family I would be home by 6pm even though they didn't bother asking (6pm was dinner time) but I didn't get home until around 11pm, when it was pitch black. I hadn't had my phone with me so couldn't call for help. Were they worried? No! Even though I showed up 5 hours late and it was pitch black, they were all happily watching TV and couldn't care less. I went in and told them I was late because I had gotten very very lost. They didn't care at all and just said, "Make sure you're up at 6.45 to wake the kids up tomorrow."

To the OP - just remember the au pair is there to look after the kids for 40 hours a week or less, and do only the lightest of household duties. If you need someone who will do more work than that you should fork out the extra money for a professional nanny. I'm not saying that you wouldn't stick to that, but as I know only too well, sometimes intolerable demands are placed on these girls!

jake59

StormWarrior wrote: »

To the OP - just remember the au pair is there to look after the kids for 40 hours a week or less, and do only the lightest of household duties. If you need someone who will do more work than that you should fork out the extra money for a professional nanny. I'm not saying that you wouldn't stick to that, but as I know only too well, sometimes intolerable demands are placed on these girls!

Actually the reason we needed an au pair in the first place was that both myself and my wife work shifts in Dublin which is about an hour away and our hours often cross over. Having an au pair means that the children are not sitting in a car for two hours going up and down to Dublin. Instead they can be out playing with their friends and basically just more settled in their own home. I would have to say that the au pairs we have had would hardly have even worked 25 hours a week at most and have every weekend off. In relation to housework we all muck in together and once the children's beds are made and rooms are tidy then we are happy. I don't think I could live with myself if I was the type of father that instigated the predicament that you found yourself in SW. You were extremely unlucky. Did you ever go on to au pair in any other family?

StormWarrior

No! I will never do it again! I mean, when I visited them the parents went out of their way to act nice and then totally changed the minute I arrived to live there. I just would never trust another au pair-seeking family to take half-decent care of me again. No offence to you, I'm sure there are some decent people out there who need an au pair but I just never want to be in that scenario again. You know, I later found out that the family I lived with had had another au pair right before me, but she must have been pretty miserable there as well because she left in such a hurry that she left half her belongings behind! I just pity the next poor girl they get, and their kids. The parents actually showed a startling disregard for their kids as well - they never asked me for any references at all (neither did the agency as the agency's website just put people in touch with each other) they didn't ask me for the contact details of my parents or anything, they didn't ask to see any ID except for when they tried to take away my passport when I wanted to leave. They didn't do a criminal record check or anything like that on me. I could have been a serial killer for all they knew.

undecided

SW thats a really horrible experience for you not surprised you never did it again!:eek: Ive never had an au pair but will probably get one at some point I couldnt treat somebody like that my mongrel gets more respect!