What to take from her comment

milkerman

I posted here months ago about difficulties I had with my wife and some in-laws. I ended up moving out for 7 weeks before returning to the family home by mutual agreement.
Last weekend though she drank a full bottle of red after dinner and started talking. Basically she offered that I was free to leave just as soon as she gets full time workand 'gets on her feet'.
I didnt comment and just went to bed alone. I have been thinking of this since. Am I just a means of support that can be dispensed with as finances permit? I asked her this morning about her remark and she repeated the offer- sober this time.
I dont know what to do. Am I right in thinking that I am wasting my time on this woman?

meditraitor

milkerman wrote: »

I posted here months ago about difficulties I had with my wife and some in-laws. I ended up moving out for 7 weeks before returning to the family home by mutual agreement.
Last weekend though she drank a full bottle of red after dinner and started talking. Basically she offered that I was free to leave just as soon as she gets full time workand 'gets on her feet'.
I didnt comment and just went to bed alone. I have been thinking of this since. Am I just a means of support that can be dispensed with as finances permit? I asked her this morning about her remark and she repeated the offer- sober this time.
I dont know what to do. Am I right in thinking that I am wasting my time on this woman?

Get the flock out of there now.

suckslikeafox

In a word id say yes.

From the sounds of it, she just wants to use you to support her (do you have kids?) when shes in a rough patch and then throw you away when she doesnt need you. Why should you put up with this? Id say take things into your own hands and leave again before she makes you. If you do have kids then make written arrangments about seeing and supporting them but theres no point her sucking you dry and then throwing you to the kerb

LadyE

milkerman wrote: »

I posted here months ago about difficulties I had with my wife and some in-laws. I ended up moving out for 7 weeks before returning to the family home by mutual agreement.
Last weekend though she drank a full bottle of red after dinner and started talking. Basically she offered that I was free to leave just as soon as she gets full time workand 'gets on her feet'.
I didnt comment and just went to bed alone. I have been thinking of this since. Am I just a means of support that can be dispensed with as finances permit? I asked her this morning about her remark and she repeated the offer- sober this time.
I dont know what to do. Am I right in thinking that I am wasting my time on this woman?

What do you want to do? Do you actually want to be in the marraige/family home? Do you love your wife? Are you only there to give your wife financial security or do you think your marraige can be worked on?

From that comment, to me, its seems like your wife wants to seperate but wants you around to support her in the mean time, whilst she looks around for a job to support herself.

Are there children involved here?

beth-lou

Yes. Sounds like she has no respect for you. Ask her would she consider moving out. Sorry for your trouble but it sounds as though she has made a decision, but wants you to do all the work. Do you still love her? Are there kids involved?

GrumPy

Tell her to go suck a lemon tbh.

celticcutie

Her attitude is leading me to believe that she's the one holding the power in your relationship. Children, no children, whatever the story it looks like the love has died. This happened to me in a relationship a while back where I didn't think I loved my partner anymore for various reasons. I was moving out, mind made up, even started liking someone else and I've never had a roving eye - EVER!! So like you I thought the love was gone. Then I ended up getting sick and he bent over backwards, pulled out all the stops and the strangest thing happened - I started having feelings for him again. That blew me away cause I thought they were all gone forever. So there's always hope.

My point is I never thought I could have feelings for him again and I did so perhaps you can salvage your relationship but in order to do so you need to get smart. Nobody appreciates a walkover so if I were you I'd move out now. Don't be ugly about it, just leave when she's not ready for you to. That will have an initial affect. After that, you know her best - either play her so she'll understand what she's losing or go to a relationship counsellor yourself for help on how to deal with her successfully.

Last thing to say, you need to ask yourself if you are still in love with her or is it just farmiliarity now? If it's the latter, it's hard to be honest with yourself but you've only one life.... Making decsisions is never easy as there are consequences either way. But you're entitled to be happy and be in a loving realationship. I wish you the best my friend.

Trinity

milkerman wrote: »

I posted here months ago about difficulties I had with my wife and some in-laws. I ended up moving out for 7 weeks before returning to the family home by mutual agreement.
Last weekend though she drank a full bottle of red after dinner and started talking. Basically she offered that I was free to leave just as soon as she gets full time workand 'gets on her feet'.
I didnt comment and just went to bed alone. I have been thinking of this since. Am I just a means of support that can be dispensed with as finances permit? I asked her this morning about her remark and she repeated the offer- sober this time.
I dont know what to do. Am I right in thinking that I am wasting my time on this woman?

Did you give any indication previously that you wanted to leave?

Did you come back under duress? Does she think you want to leave?

Cant say i read your previous threads but her sentence is funny. You do not need her permission to leave and you most certainly are under no obligation to wait until she gets on her feet.

Only way i can picture myself saying that is if i wanted someone to tell me they didnt want to leave that they would give it another shot and try harder.

Could this be the case?

Your the guy who couldn't get over her sister oweing ye money and not caring about it.

I think ye are parents and it is a disgrace to break up your childrens family over someone elses actions.

Magpie!

Maybe she is terrified of you leaving again and was just trying to act tough and not let you think she needs you?

LouOB

Get a small apt, arrange a day/evenings to take kids and agree only to contact each other in emergency's. Sounds like space is needed here on both sides - with no contact. Otherwise will only end up back talking re same issues and same old.
You need to completely clear out all the rage and anger, otherwise your marraige/life cannot move.

AngryBadger

Hard to comment on this OP since as posted here the comment is largely out of context and many of us will not have read the original thread (or won't remember the details if we did), some background would help.

That said I can neither understand her making this comment, or you remaining in this situation if that's her attitude.

r3nu4l

I remember the threads and all the details. Milkerman, it sounds like you both really, really need some marriage guidance counselling or just plain old counselling.

It's obvious that this whole thing with her sister has really made a mess of things for you both.

Ask her if she loves you. If she says yes, then can you both agree that you need to work on things a bit more. If she says no, try to determine if she wants to try to improve things. If so, will she go to couples counselling with you?

It seems as though you both need help relating to the others' point of view.

Dinter

milkerman wrote: »

I posted here months ago about difficulties I had with my wife and some in-laws. I ended up moving out for 7 weeks before returning to the family home by mutual agreement.

Did you leave or did you agree to leave? It's a small point but if you walked of your own volition then she may not think that you're fully committed to being back with her and are only killing time till she's sorted enough that you can go again.

milkerman wrote: »

Last weekend though she drank a full bottle of red after dinner and started talking. Basically she offered that I was free to leave just as soon as she gets full time workand 'gets on her feet'.

Is this actually feasible or is she just saying this to try and hurt you? Is she actually ever going to be able to run the house without you there. Tbh if it's just for financial support I don't see you fulfilling any role by actually living there that couldn't be filled just as easy with a bank lodgement to her account. If she didn't want your company there as well I think she'd have tumbled to it too.

milkerman wrote: »

I didnt comment and just went to bed alone.

Is that the usual craic for you to sleep seperately or had you been rowing that particular night?

milkerman wrote: »

I dont know what to do. Am I right in thinking that I am wasting my time on this woman?

Not neccessarily although in this instance I think the best person to talk to is your wife. If she mentions this again I'd advise you to use it as an opening to talk all of this through. Tbh if she's preparing you for moving yourself out it can't really get a whole lot worse by talking to her.

not yet

Jesus christ what is going on with men today........

Move the f*ck out and be a man. She has no respect for you...simple as.

Pigletlover

Moonbaby wrote: »

Your the guy who couldn't get over her sister oweing ye money and not caring about it.

That's a bit harsh, his sister in law was taking the p!ss in fairness.

Moonbaby wrote: »

I think ye are parents and it is a disgrace to break up your childrens family over someone elses actions.

Do you think growing up in an unhappy home would be better for them? The OP hasn't said anything about the cause of his marriage problems, you may be jumping to conclusions there. From the OPs previous threads it was clear there was bigger problems than her sister owing him money.

OP, sorry to hear about your situation, it does look as though your wife only wants you to stick around to help her out financially. Judging by her comment it sounds like she has no intention of trying to work things out.

kmick

I think all the advice given by mens groups advises not moving out. In terms of custody, asset sharing and all the other crap that goes with a breakup - if you move out what you are essentially saying in the eyes of the courts is - I don't give two hoots. Im not an expert but I would get an experts advice before hitting the road.

milkerman

Ok, Will give a brief history. Sister A gives sister B a loan of 10k. Sister B makes no effort to repay. A's husband (me) kicks off with B for non payment. Sister A then undermined husbands efforts to recoup cash. Eventually sorted out a partial repayment - matter closed. Sister A not happy with me for being so pig-headed and refusing to let her family off the hook. Husband (me) not happy with A for disloyalty to me. I moved out for a few weeks to cool off, wife rings twice or thrice daily, visits several times per week & uses kids to get me to come home.
Do I love her ? I dont know anymore.
Is my marriage breaking because of her sister? No - her sister was just a spark that lit a pre-existant bomb.
Current status, I provide security, money & can fix plumbing leaks. My fear is that in time I will be no longer required and everything I have done in the last 20 years will be for nought. Life is our greatest asset & is finite - have I wasted 20 years of it?

Zulu

Sister in law was taking the piss then, your wife is taking the piss now.

Buddy, if you don't have children, just leave and don't look back. She didn't support you or respect you at any point. So it's hard to see how she every loved you. You deserve a wife that will support you, not undermine you.

The comment was clear as a bell (both drunk and more tellingly sober), you are there as a convenience. You'll be phased out once the full time work starts.

You don't say that to someone you love.
You don't treat someone you love like that.

beth-lou

Milkerman, you should at least try counselling before you throw in the towel. It sounds as though you may have issues that were compounded by sister B's abuse of sisters A's generosity. But please consider counselling before you split. The repercussions of a full break down for you, her and your kids will be big. If there is any love there, even a smidgen then try to work it out. At least try.

If it doesn't work, then move on. But you haven't said an outright no to love. So I'm guessing that you are still angry and that may be clouding your judgement. Sometimes things spiral out of control and we let the little things get in the way of the big things. And your wife might be being overly defensive since you left her before. I think you both need to learn how to communicate with each other again. take it from there. What have you got to lose?

LolaDub

I think all this one comment shows is that you need to have a real sit down sober non confrontational conversation. Explain your actual feelings of what has disappointed you in the past, how you feel now and where you would like to go honestly. Get her to do the same and listen to each other. Try to see each others point and how you both came to think and feel that way. If face to face communication without arguing isn't possible then put it in a letter but perhaps agree on this first. Considering you are both in a marriage and have children i think you should make every effort to fix the situation.

AngryBadger

Zulu wrote: »

Sister in law was taking the piss then, your wife is taking the piss now.

+1 Although i think the wife was taking the piss then as well, 10K is a lot of money.

Counselling should be your next step (if you haven't tried it already) see if you can patch things up, maybe find out why your wife felt it was ok to undermine you, and maybe what her take on this is.

That said, I can't comprehend why she undermined you in that way, as I said 10K is a lot of money and not to be just given away whatever the sister-in-laws circumstances were. And I'd be unimpressed with her attitude now that you're back, or the fact that she "used" the kids to make you visit.

Wagon

I remember your thread very well. Leave her, and get the kids. I know the courts favour the mother but if you can show them how irresponsable she was with the 10K (which you had for your family) then it could turn it around in your favour. Waste no time though, it's clear that you want to stay away from her.

mikewest

Why I am thinking that the problem previously may not have been the sister in law making any effort to repay the money but may she have been told or got the impression that the money did not have to be repayed, and that this came from your wife? Sorry bud, but it seems that you are being used by your wife big time. I hope for your sake that I am wrong as I remember your previous posts and the maturity and restraint you showed were to be commended. I know I wouldn't have put up with the crap you did and that is why I think now suggesting counselling to her would just satisfy her too damn much. She used you and she needs to be made aware you won't stand for any more of her crap. Suggest instead a family lawyer to discuss seperation and divorce and do you research so that you have a right git of a lawyer in your corner. Maybe if she sees that you are getting serious about a move she may treat you different or not. You don't have to go through with the seperation or divorce but if counselling is suggested then it should come from her and not you.

milkerman

The consensus is clear and not what I wanted to hear. We went to counselling and booked 5 sessions. We completed the course but my wife was not impressed.
What do I do now? Lock the doors and stare out at her? Lets face it, men get utterly screwed in these situations as a rule.
I dont think the courts are interested in why people fall out of love. They just address assets, maintenance etc
and how do I avoid hurting my kids? We dont row in front of them so they are largely unaware.

beth-lou

mikewest wrote: »

Why I am thinking that the problem previously may not have been the sister in law making any effort to repay the money but may she have been told or got the impression that the money did not have to be repayed, and that this came from your wife? Sorry bud, but it seems that you are being used by your wife big time. I hope for your sake that I am wrong as I remember your previous posts and the maturity and restraint you showed were to be commended. I know I wouldn't have put up with the crap you did and that is why I think now suggesting counselling to her would just satisfy her too damn much. She used you and she needs to be made aware you won't stand for any more of her crap. Suggest instead a family lawyer to discuss seperation and divorce and do you research so that you have a right git of a lawyer in your corner. Maybe if she sees that you are getting serious about a move she may treat you different or not. You don't have to go through with the seperation or divorce but if counselling is suggested then it should come from her and not you.

That's a lot of game playing and will only make the situation worse for all involved.

Just talk about it. If you can't figure it out, counselling. If that doesn't work then consider more drastic options.

howamidifferent

mikewest wrote: »

Why I am thinking that the problem previously may not have been the sister in law making any effort to repay the money but may she have been told or got the impression that the money did not have to be repayed, and that this came from your wife? Sorry bud, but it seems that you are being used by your wife big time. I hope for your sake that I am wrong as I remember your previous posts and the maturity and restraint you showed were to be commended. I know I wouldn't have put up with the crap you did and that is why I think now suggesting counselling to her would just satisfy her too damn much. She used you and she needs to be made aware you won't stand for any more of her crap. Suggest instead a family lawyer to discuss seperation and divorce and do you research so that you have a right git of a lawyer in your corner. Maybe if she sees that you are getting serious about a move she may treat you different or not. You don't have to go through with the seperation or divorce but if counselling is suggested then it should come from her and not you.

+1

I remember your thread and agree with the above.
I was told the following a few years ago but in my case I heard it to late.

"No body can make a doormat of you unless you lie down for them".

Its the truest thing I ever heard.

We all want to bend over backwards to keep a good relationship going to the best of our ability but there comes a point when you have to stop bending and stand up for yourself.

It does seem as if she wants you only for the convenience and not for you so deluding yourself into thinking otherwise will only harm you in the long run.
In my opinion its time you issues some ultimatums and looked out for you.

beth-lou

milkerman wrote: »

The consensus is clear and not what I wanted to hear. We went to counselling and booked 5 sessions. We completed the course but my wife was not impressed.
What do I do now? Lock the doors and stare out at her? Lets face it, men get utterly screwed in these situations as a rule.
I dont think the courts are interested in why people fall out of love. They just address assets, maintenance etc

Yep. The courts don't take emotions into consideration. What about mediation? Cheaper all round if that's the route and it does sound as though you've exhausted the other options.

Don't stay if there's no love from her. It will destroy you and her and screw up your kids. So sorry that it's this bad.

LouOB

Sounds like you are past the 'lets talk about it' stage.

milkerman

Have you ever reached a point in life where the fun & good times are gone and all that remains is the drudgery of work and duty? What is the flippin point of it all?

LouOB

Come on there

Good saying on boards - the first step to getting what you want out of life is this ; Decide what you want.

The next step is easy - see your solicitor friend, talk to wifey, talk to kids, gets small a apt, get in touch with some friends, then decide- who knows. This time next year you and wifey could all be good. But no matter what you will be in a better place.

Just think- if you in the lows now. The highs must be about soon .....

beth-lou

Many times, yes. But for every low there are always good times down the road. You will work this out one way or the other.

My one little gem of advice: Never talk badly about your kids mother in front of them. You will make them feel guilty about talking about her in front of you, which is never a good thing. And the same goes for her.

Velvet Vocals

Could it be that she's crying out for you to show her how you feel... like she might feel that if she pushes you enough you'll either fight for the marriage and show her you love her or leave and then she'll have her answer.
I think the idea of counseling is really the way forward, especially if you do still love her and want it to work. If there are children involved it's probably best to do everything you possibly can to make it work. At least that way if it doesn’t work you'll know you did your best.
You should really examine how you feel about her, try to put hurtful words and arguments out of the way and think about her as the person you know her to be. Do you love that person? Would you like to spend the rest of you life with her? If the answers to those questions are yes then do everything that you can. Don't always do things just with the children in mind - it's much nicer for children to have parents that are happy even if they're living separately rather then parents that are making each other miserable.
Really best of luck with this, I hope it works out!

LolaDub

No offence meant but i don't think you should allow a bunch of strangers on the internet to decide whether to end your marriage or not.

Marriage is a big deal, kids are a big deal. They're both worth fighting for. I wonder from her comment if she felt like you wanted to leave and she was trying to tell you it was ok if you did. There is clearly a lot of frustration and bad communication between you two. There is no point leaving without making sure its unfixable and that takes more than five counselling sessions. You need to have proper open communication with your wife on your feelings past present and future and figure it out together from there. You mentioned going to bed alone, is this her choice or yours/mutual? You probably are doing other things seperately too so maybe look at what you could do day to day together to start off the communication.

celticcutie

You said a lot of good things there LolaDub but I think getting peoples opinions can do him no harm. To be fair, it's very hard to get any objectivity on your relationship when you're up to your eyeballs in pain. But I do definitely agree with ya on more than 5 sessions. I think even if she doesn't go with you anymore it wouldn't do you any harm to talk this through with a professional. They'll give you some of the strength you need and if the rest of the strength you need comes from opinions on this thread that's cool with me

LolaDub

celticcutie wrote: »

You said a lot of good things there LolaDub but I think getting peoples opinions can do him no harm. To be fair, it's very hard to get any objectivity on your relationship when you're up to your eyeballs in pain. But I do definitely agree with ya on more than 5 sessions. I think even if she doesn't go with you anymore it wouldn't do you any harm to talk this through with a professional. They'll give you some of the strength you need and if the rest of the strength you need comes from opinions on this thread that's cool with me

Aw shucks-thanks!

As for peoples opinions i do agree with you, that sentence of my post came from ops previous post (below) where it came off he was saying that opinions were deciding his next steps and he was asking for further advice on how to end it.

milkerman wrote: »

The consensus is clear and not what I wanted to hear. We went to counselling and booked 5 sessions. We completed the course but my wife was not impressed.
What do I do now? Lock the doors and stare out at her? Lets face it, men get utterly screwed in these situations as a rule.
I dont think the courts are interested in why people fall out of love. They just address assets, maintenance etc
and how do I avoid hurting my kids? We dont row in front of them so they are largely unaware.

Some people do find counselling hard. Celticcuties idea of counselling alone is good. If you both went to counselling alone and had couples counselling you might get further. Your wife may not know how you really feel and it sounds like you're both playing guessing games at figuring each other out. If you're going to leave anyway talking and counselling can't do any harm

K-9

milkerman wrote: »

The consensus is clear and not what I wanted to hear. We went to counselling and booked 5 sessions. We completed the course but my wife was not impressed.
What do I do now? Lock the doors and stare out at her? Lets face it, men get utterly screwed in these situations as a rule.
I dont think the courts are interested in why people fall out of love. They just address assets, maintenance etc
and how do I avoid hurting my kids? We dont row in front of them so they are largely unaware.

Oh, sounds like she didn't hear what she wanted in counseling. That isn't good!

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she did want you back. How was the last 7 weeks like?

I think you could be reading too much into her comment too. She had a bottle of wine and I'd say the resentment of wanting you back and you leaving, came out. She could be saying, I can manage without you.

That's very common where couples get back together but the underlying issues aren't resolved.

7 weeks is a very short time to see if things can work. Both of you are still holding the old issues over each other. That needs to be sorted, whether by yourselves or counseling again.

I'd give it a few more months and this time tackle the underlying issues. Last chance saloon here! If things don't show signs of improving, time to move on.

PS. You will get legal advice to stay in the house if you split up, so will she. That's a difficult position to be in. Some people cope with it, some don't.

Amazotheamazing

I've followed your previous threads milkerman, and I agreed with you then but I think I agree with your wife here.

Look at how you describe why you came back and why you think she wants you to leave.

You make it sound like your wife did most of the running in getting family unit back together? She rang you, she used the kids to get you back (wtf does that mean btw?), she made the effort.

Now, you're back, and it seems you are unhappy in the marriage. Your wife is probably smart enough to know you want out and don't want to be with her anymore. To me, that's down to how you've been since you returned, and not so much that she wants out.

Personally, from reading your posts, I think you have communication issues and could probably do with counselling on your own.

When you moved back in, what did you do to show your wife you were back for good?
What did you do to show that the family was the important thing to you? Did your family realise this or (as I expect) did you seethe inside that all your efforts weren't noticed and appreciated?

From your wife's comment it's clear she thinks you still want out, why does she think this? Why isn't she sure you're back for good for her and the children?

Personally, I think you didn't explain to wife before the loan how quickly you wanted it repaid, I think if you had learned to communicate properly at the start of your marriage you wouldn't have this problem thread to start.

You present yourself as the stoic, strong, silent type, which is great in silent movies but it's useless in real life between partners.

Sephiroth_dude

I remember your oringinal threads,and you only getting some of your money back,sounds to me that family is bad news,get outta there dude while you still can,actually what you should do is leave right now or in the next few day and see how she likes that and does she beg you to come back.

Jack B. Badd

beth-lou wrote: »

Yep. The courts don't take emotions into consideration. What about mediation? Cheaper all round if that's the route and it does sound as though you've exhausted the other options.

I'd recommend this option if it's feasible and there's no hope of ye staying together. Ye both seem to be communicating (in a civil manner) at the moment which is good even if your marriage has broken down - I'm sorry to hear about that btw. Mediation is a much less stressful way of dealing with separation than dragging it though the courts by all accounts. It also keeps the lines of communication open and allows you to make agreements together rather than fighting each other for a compromise. Good luck.

MagicMarker

I remember your previous threads and i don't believe you should have went back in the first place.

Speak to a solicitor about your assets before doing anything.

MIN2511

Hello there,

as others i remember your threads... I don't think i remember you moving out but thats not the issue.

The marriage seems over! There doesn't seem to be any passion left, unfortunately 20yrs is over. Don't regret it, you have kids.
First, contact your lawyer, find an apartment: i know it's expensive ontop of the mortgage but it's your sanity back! Get an apartment big enough for the kids to stay.

PACK YOUR BAGS AND MOVE OUT!!!