family think i am gay

uiovaiwr

my brothers and sisters think i am gay. My younger brother in particular is always making comments and wants me to admit to it. i have always been a paranoid person and over sensitive but i think people are talking about me and laughing at me behind my back. I am starting to turn into a hermit. . Even though he is my brother i am actually starting to hate him.
What should i do when people make comments. Should i just ignore it? In the past i have got annoyed and almost got into fights was i wrong?

Kold

I'd say give him a puck, he shouldn't feel comfortable saying that to anyone never mind his big brother. Might need a lesson in manners.


Why do they think you're gay? Do you act effeminate? How old are you? These things would help to know. At the end of the day, it's none of their f*cking business but if your family think you're gay, you should start wondering if other people do too and find out what makes them think this.

RoosterIllusion

Are you gay?

If you are then they are being pretty damned insensitive about it.

If not then they are really being assholes.

uiovaiwr

Kold wrote: »

I'd say give him a puck, he shouldn't feel comfortable saying that to anyone never mind his big brother. Might need a lesson in manners.


Why do they think you're gay? Do you act effeminate? How old are you? These things would help to know. At the end of the day, it's none of their f*cking business but if your family think you're gay, you should start wondering if other people do too and find out what makes them think this.

yes other people do too. i am not effeminate but i have never had a girlfriend. i am in my 30's.

RoosterIllusion

uiovaiwr wrote: »

yes other people do too. i am not effeminate but i have never had a girlfriend. i am in my 30's.

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

To be honest your not really telling us anything about your side of it.

You mentioned your family are telling you that your gay all the time. You mention nothing of your reaction to this. Do you smile? Cry? Shout? hit them?

Rev Hellfire

Its only an issue if you feel there's something wrong with been gay.
Either way ignore it and don't react, they'll lose interest with it fairly quickly.

Are you sure they're not just trying to be funny and being sarcastic?

I'd say give him a puck, he shouldn't feel comfortable saying that to anyone never mind his big brother. Might need a lesson in manners.

I agree with that, particularly the end of it.


Honestly man, if people, especially your own family, want to be insensitive pricks, then i really wouldn't value their opinion all that much anyway. Although as i say, they could just be trying to be funny, and don't realise that you're not taking it wrongly?

MysticalSoul

I used to get this from my family too. At 31 I am in my first relationship with a guy, which is why my family thought I was gay. For me I had to deal with "life stuff" before I could allow someone into my space.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Its only an issue if you feel there's something wrong with been gay.
Either way ignore it and don't react, they'll lose interest with it fairly quickly.

No, just not true with the first part. If you're not gay you're not going to be comfortable with people thinking you are even if you have no issue with others doing it.

Maybe the OP has no issue with it, but people he's friends with/related to might.

However I agree with your advice. Getting hotheaded is only going to raise eyebrows further.

uiovaiwr

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

No, just not true with the first part. If you're not gay you're not going to be comfortable with people thinking you are even if you have no issue with others doing it.

Maybe the OP has no issue with it, but people he's friends with/related to might.

However I agree with your advice. Getting hotheaded is only going to raise eyebrows further.

yes i usually dont say anything but it builds up in me and a couple of times i lost my temper

uiovaiwr

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

To be honest your not really telling us anything about your side of it.

You mentioned your family are telling you that your gay all the time. You mention nothing of your reaction to this. Do you smile? Cry? Shout? hit them?

no i am not gay. i have problems since when i was younger and never really got counselling although i have family and friends around me in my own way i am isolated. I have oped up more on this board than i have to peple i know

RoosterIllusion

uiovaiwr wrote: »

no i am not gay. i have problems since when i was younger and never really got counselling although i have family and friends around me in my own way i am isolated. I have oped up more on this board than i have to peple i know

Ok.

Well **** them then.

The important thing is to feel ok about yourself. If it's something you need to talk about then go through the proper channels and speak to a professional if you think it will help. Your family should be supportive, if you confront them perhaps they will be. If not then as I said earlier, **** them.

GAAman

uiovaiwr wrote: »

no i am not gay. i have problems since when i was younger and never really got counselling although i have family and friends around me in my own way i am isolated. I have oped up more on this board than i have to peple i know

Well first off then fair play for even coming here and opening up

If you feel you cant talk to them how bout showing them this thread and it will say pretty much what you want to say without having to say it face to face

Just a thought hope it helps

niceoneted

I get what your saying as some members of my family thought my brother was gay. He is just not into relationships but is not gay. He is very shy, I'm not sure if he has ever had a girlfriend or been with anyone. He is late 20's.
I think if you recognise that you had some issues from your childhood/earlier life why not do something really proactive about it and go for some counselling.
I think you should ignore your family on the large part but if there is one member of the clan that you are quite close to why not have a sit down with them and explain at least that you are not gay.
Good luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

uiovaiwr wrote: »

yes i usually dont say anything but it builds up in me and a couple of times i lost my temper

Advise you to keep calm. Pop-psychology f*ckwits love to harp on about how being any way opposed to homosexuality makes you a raging homo in secret. Your brother sounds like an asshole to be honest, perhaps some other issues to sort out there

I know it can be upsetting, over the last while some people have thought the same about me, I never really had a girlfriend for years. Now that I have one its disappeared. So really just people being speculative. From what I've seen in people they seem to really enjoy accusing others of being gay.

uiovaiwr

niceoneted wrote: »

I get what your saying as some members of my family thought my brother was gay. He is just not into relationships but is not gay. He is very shy, I'm not sure if he has ever had a girlfriend or been with anyone.

yea thats i am very shy and lack confidence. the part about not being with anyone well idont want people to know/guess this.

uiovaiwr

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Advise you to keep calm. Pop-psychology f*ckwits love to harp on about how being any way opposed to homosexuality makes you a raging homo in secret. Your brother sounds like an asshole to be honest, perhaps some other issues to sort out there

yea he doesnt know i know this but he got ahrd time at school because people that he was gay.

I am in no way opposed to homesexuality(well i dont have any opinions about it too be honest)

randylonghorn

uiovaiwr wrote: »

my brothers and sisters think i am gay. My younger brother in particular is always making comments and wants me to admit to it. i have always been a paranoid person and over sensitive but i think people are talking about me and laughing at me behind my back. I am starting to turn into a hermit. . Even though he is my brother i am actually starting to hate him.
What should i do when people make comments. Should i just ignore it? In the past i have got annoyed and almost got into fights was i wrong?

My first thought when I read this was that it was the usual younger brother gets under skin of older brother, gets reaction and repeats, simply because he has got a reaction in the first place. Typical sibling dynamic. In which case the best reaction would be, as Rev_H said, to laugh it off and forget about it.

Then I realised that you are older than I first thought, and I wondered if he genuinely believes that you are gay, and actually thinks he is doing the right thing by encouraging you to admit to it, believing that if you do you will be able to make a better life for yourself.

In fairness, if you are in your 30s and have never had a girlfriend, while this most certainly does NOT mean you are gay, you can understand why the question might occur to people close to you.

Any hope that instead of getting angry with him, you might sit down and calmly tell him the truth, or at least as much of it as you feel comfortable with, and certainly including the fact that you are not gay, and that his constant going on about it annoys and hurts you. Ask him how he would feel if the position was reversed? You need not say you know that he has had the same said about him, but maybe he might actually tell you, and that might be the start of a deeper, more honest conversation, and you both might end up getting to know the other a little better / being able to share and trust one another a bit more.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Its only an issue if you feel there's something wrong with been gay.

In fairness, Rev, I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with being gay, but I think I would get tired of it pretty quickly if everyone was assuming I was gay myself.

In fact, one of my oldest friends grew up to be "bi, leaning towards gay" (his definition, not mine). I have often been out drinking with him or whatever, and had people assume as a result that I was also gay, and that never bothered me in the slightest, I would just laugh it off or indeed play along for a while for the craic, depending on mood / circumstances.

But hearing it constantly like a dripping tap from friends / family would still get to me in the end, I think.

In fact, any label which people insisted on constantly tagging me with which I knew wasn't accurate would annoy me after a while, I think.

Overheal

I was at a flatmate's house for Easter Supper. We all got very drunk and the Mother accused me of being a fruitcake because the last time I was over I wore a Shirt that said "I Like Me" (you might recognize it) and when you have your jacket on over your shirt... well, its not a great first impression. Needless to say I told the bitch off, she threw some crystal at me, it shattered into wonderful bits and I fecked off home.

At the end of the day though people will think what they will, and the more you stress out about it the more interesting a subject it is for them. Try and give it no further thought.

uiovaiwr

randylonghorn wrote: »

Then I realised that you are older than I first thought, and I wondered if he genuinely believes that you are gay, and actually thinks he is doing the right thing by encouraging you to admit to it, believing that if you do you will be able to make a better life for yourself.

In fairness, if you are in your 30s and have never had a girlfriend, while this most certainly does NOT mean you are gay, you can understand why the question might occur to people close to you.

Any hope that instead of getting angry with him, you might sit down and calmly tell him the truth, or at least as much of it as you feel comfortable with, and certainly including the fact that you are not gay, and that his constant going on about it annoys and hurts you. Ask him how he would feel if the position was reversed? You need not say you know that he has had the same said about him, but maybe he might actually tell you, and that might be the start of a deeper, more honest conversation, and you both might end up getting to know the other a little better / being able to share and trust one another a bit more.

In fairness, Rev, I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with being gay, but I think I would get tired of it pretty quickly if everyone was assuming I was gay myself.

In fact, one of my oldest friends grew up to be "bi, leaning towards gay" (his definition, not mine). I have often been out drinking with him or whatever, and had people assume as a result that I was also gay, and that never bothered me in the slightest, I would just laugh it off or indeed play along for a while for the craic, depending on mood / circumstances.

But hearing it constantly like a dripping tap from friends / family would still get to me in the end, I think.

In fact, any label which people insisted on constantly tagging me with which I knew wasn't accurate would annoy me after a while, I think.

i am not sure what he wants. i am pretty sure he hates gays. Also i would find it hard to talk to anyone in my family about anything personal

The specaltion about me is doing my head in its almost easier to say i AM gay

Thoie

Any chance that you could sit down with your brother at some stage that he hasn't brought it up, and ask him why he keeps mentioning it, and is there anything he'd like to tell you? Mention that you haven't really found anyone, female or male, that pushes the right buttons for you yet, and perhaps tell the story (if there is one) of this one girl you kind of fancied for a while, but it fizzled out before it really got anywhere. Explain to him that being called gay doesn't bother you as it's not true, but point out that it'd be irritating even if he went around calling you straight all the time, as you can't understand why anyone's sexuality is relevant to everyday conversations.

Amtmann

Some people have a very limited tolerance of what they suspect to be other people's denial of their true selves.

Your brother might genuinely think you're gay; the fact that others do too means that you obviously do give off a "vibe". Your brother may be trying to be cruel to be kind.

Certainly I have some experience of this with a friend who I suspect to be gay. It's not just me: it's everyone. Everyone thinks he's gay because he is. Yet he's blatantly in denial. While I never comment on what I suspect to be his orientation, plenty of other people do, not least because he has a girlfriend.

Anyway, my take on it is that your family might be trying to help you, albeit in a very crude way.

uiovaiwr

Furet wrote: »

Some people have a very limited tolerance of what they suspect to be other people's denial of their true selves.

Your brother might genuinely think you're gay; the fact that others do too means that you obviously do give off a "vibe". Your brother may be trying to be cruel to be kind.

Certainly I have some experience of this with a friend who I suspect to be gay. It's not just me: it's everyone. Everyone thinks he's gay because he is. Yet he's blatantly in denial. While I never comment on what I suspect to be his orientation, plenty of other people do, not least because he has a girlfriend.

Anyway, my take on it is that your family might be trying to help you, albeit in a very crude way.

yes if i was gay this would probably be good. The thing is i do have a lot of problems but am not gay

and I dont really want to tell people my problems

randylonghorn

uiovaiwr wrote: »

yes if i was gay this would probably be good. The thing is i do have a lot of problems but am not gay

Lol, I know you didn't mean it that way, but being gay isn't a problem!

Furet wrote: »

Everyone thinks he's gay because he is. Yet he's blatantly in denial. While I never comment on what I suspect to be his orientation, plenty of other people do, not least because he has a girlfriend.

"Everyone thinks he's gay" != "because he is" !!

Ok, I suppose there's a chance that he's gay and in denial. Perfectly possible he's straight too, girlfriend might be a clue! Or maybe he's bi, and gets twice the choice!

LegacyUser

don't take any insults from your younger brother. i'd never slag my older brothers. Tell him to grow up. That always works on younger brothers.

I think you really need to relax and forget about what people think of you. easier said than done i know. If you let it bother you and you don't express your feelings, they'll build up inside you and do some damage. So you either have to let your feelings out and tell your family whats going on and explain to them how you really aren't gay. or just don't let their suspicions bother you.

If you keep telling yourself "I don't care if they think I'm gay. I know I'm not. They can say what they want to one another but I know myself that I'm not gay" Then eventually the slaggings off your younger brother wont bother you. You have to try to feel confident in who you are. Concentrate on what makes you better than your average person. Just try to build up confidence in yourself. You'll feel happier and nothing anyone says about you will bother you because you are happy with the person you are.

When I was young i was very self-concious. All my friends had girlfriends and were in relationships. but i wasnt. I kept thinking, what's wrong with me? I knew i wasnt ugly. To make things worse my friends would always slag me about it. I tried to ignore it as much as possible and then just started to really hate them. Then came the Junior Cert results and i ended up doing really well. Alot better than my two best friends, the ones who always slagged me. Whenever they slagged me i just smiled and thought to myself "Slag me all you want, I am ten times smarted than you and i have the certificate to prove it". I felt so much better then and nothing they said bothered me. I ended up going out alot more and having alot of fun and got a girlfriend of my own for a while.

During the leaving cert, they started slagging me again, cos i was the only virgin in the group (or at least the only one who had no problem admitting to being one).I was under strees from exams so it really did get to me. Then just this year the leaving cert results came out and i got 560, nearly double what they all got. Once again i knew that they could think i was weird for not having had sex and they could slag me about it. but i knew i was good-looking, i knew i was a nice person and i knew i was alot smarter than they would ever be.

My point is, if someone is slagging you and it's really getting to you, you probably shouldn't flip out at them or let your anger build up. Just calmly think to yourself "I'm better than you". Ignore the petty talk, you know who you are.

and NEVER say you are gay if you're not. even it would make things easier, it's the worst possible thing you could do.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,i was sorry to hear you are recovering from past issues and the current enviroment you are in with your family is adding to your stress... it would be nice to have a supportive family who didnt presume you were gay just because you have never had a girlfriend...

this happened with my boyfriend he was a very shy guy and never had a girlfriend till me,and when i first visited his home his parents and brothers were all laughing at my BF telling me they thought he was gay untill i came along....my boyfriend told me later that it had upset him for some time.... luckily they got over it and stopped the taunts with me on the scene...

Your brother is taunting you,and your reaction is exactly what he is feeding off...

I have been i a very similar situation myself with my own family.... i had a very cold un emotional family,there was never any emotional support and i have learned how to cope with them now after many years of hard work with my therapist....

I have a very deep loving caring relationship with my boyfriend and i consider him my family,when it comes to my blood family i rarely see them and they make no effort at all to see me... i do all the work with them but i have managed to be content with having a great Bf and still being in touch with my family,but they are not people i can turn to for a soft place to land,i have learnt in the past that they are the first people to kick me when i am down and i never open up to them my life anymore.

I also think that if you can see a bigger picture with your younger brother that he is just immature and being silly,i heard a really interesting story about a guy-he actually happens to be gay but he was constantly getting taunted in work from work mates etc about being gay and he really reacted badly to it getting really down and feeling really bullied.

He managed to change how he was reacting to the people and the whole problem changed and went away... here watch this for yourself and try some of the techniques,the story i am talking about is half way through the you tube video...

<snip: no you tube vids in PI>