Can I say I want things to go slow?

LegacyUser

Ok, well I had a "first date" last night with a friend of a friend, I had never met him before and have never had a date like that before - I lamost cancelled due to nerves but I knew he was a decent bloke and that would have been unfair.

I am 9 months out of the most disasterous and messed up relationship in the world - I have posted before, my ex who doesn't want to get back together will not leave me alone, he was very controllling and in some ways I have not had the strenght or courage to stand up for myself and for some weird reason i still kinda missed him, even though i knew he'd never make me happy.

Anyway, so the date was amazing, i have never clicked with anyone so much, we stayed out till 3am and i think we could have continued chatting all night- we had a kiss and made plans for Sunday (he even texted me today to see if i wanted to meet up tonight as well - but i can't) anyway, it's all looking good and i really want to let go and just enjoy it but first off I am so scared of it getting too intense because that's how my last relationship started and before i could slow it down we were having an awful time and I just don't want that to happen again. Secondly, even though my ex claims to not want me, and keeps encouraging me all the time to go out with guys. I just have a really bad feeling about what would happen if i am happy with someone else - especially this new guy who i think would be nice to me.

I don't want my ex to mess things up, and i don't want to make the same mistakes, but i don't want to lay all this crap on a really nice guy who i've just met who really doesn't need to know about my ex!

I hope this makes sense, i'm just feeling a little weird today

Shelflife

Of course you can, just be open and honest with your new date and see how it goes.

good luck

My name is URL

Of course, it's your decision. Do you think your ex being in the shadows is gonna mess things up for you? I think your worrying too much about what he's thinking, if you don't get over the grip he had on you you'll never be able to relax with a "new" guy, forget about your ex, focus on whats in front of you

entropi

Yes of course it is perfectly reasonable to ask him to take things slowly. You can just tell the guy that you would like to move along slower this time and see how it goes, but DO tell him. If you have told him parts about the last relationship, let him know it is because of this that you wanna move slower, he will appreciate the honesty.

But Good Luck with the dating, hopefully it continues to go nicely

Karen_*

Well take one big worry out of the equation and get rid of your ex totally. All things business done by courier. He cannot be dictating your future and if he said to you he wants you back you'd probably go running. Oh by the way he WILL do this when he hears you've someone else but the reunion would be very shortlived.

Dont' give the new guy a big indepth story about the ex. Its not great to go on a date and have the whole night spend discussing the one who came before you. He'll run a mile. Just mention that you're not long out of a very long relationship and you'd like to take things slowly and get to know each other.

But OP, get the ex off the scene. I remember you posting about him and I do think you'll you'll make life alot easier for yourself cutting him off. He's just messing with your head and unless he falls on his he's not going to change. I don't know what you'll think will happen when he hears you've someone else but hopefully he'll just let you be happy and go away. Well he will if he thinks anything of you at all.

And lastly, you deserve this bit of happiness so grab it. This could be the turning point for you and I really hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks all, and thanks Karen esp for remembering my story. All the business stuff is pretty much sorted now and we don't need to be in touch - I've just held off asking him for no contact as I feel as soon as i say that he'll make fun of me for not being over him.

Exactly what you said with the new guy, at this point i really really don't want to talk about my ex and his issues and i have no intention of doing that - but I suppose it's ok to just say i want things to go slowly.

I don't know what will happen to be honest, my ex could be totally ok and leave it be, I just have a feeling he will do all he can to interfere. This new guy is so nice though, an actual nice guy, I really can't see Mr ex being able to sabotage it unless i let him.

Thanks to you all anyway, I'm obviously really happy i've met a nice guy, just hate not knowing what's around the corner

Karen_*

Well hopefully good things are around the corner for you and about time. Chuffed to bits for you. That ex of yours has caused you enough pain. Don't let him cause one minute more;)

b3t4

You're perfectly entitled to ask for things to go slowly but be specific about what you mean by that. Else I can see your new bo being somewhat confused as to what he should/shouldn't do.

Also, do not get in a long discussion about ending contact with your ex. If the ex texts simple indicate to him that you will no longer be responding to any further communication from him. Under absolutely no circumstances should you go back on your word. Delete all text messages before reading them, set up a delete on recieve for his email address, if he calls let it go to voice mail and know how to delete them before you have to listen to his whining.

A.

Weidii

It sounds to me like you're still in contact with your ex. Get rid of him. Delete his number, tell him you don't want any further contact, just wipe yourself clean of him.

In regard to asking the new fella to take things slowly; of course you can.

Fat Pie Lot

If I were dating a girl that I was interested in, I'd far rather she was upfront and asked if we could take things slow because of some issues rather than risk taking things too fast and everything falling apart or the girl in question simply not willing to risk anything at all because of these issues.

Talk to your date. if he's a "keeper", he'll understand.

Liam Byrne

Fat Pie Lot wrote: »

If I were dating a girl that I was interested in, I'd far rather she was upfront and asked if we could take things slow because of some issues rather than risk taking things too fast and everything falling apart or the girl in question simply not willing to risk anything at all because of these issues.

Talk to your date. if he's a "keeper", he'll understand.

I've heard the phrase "a keeper" a few times over the last while, and it seems to me that the people who use it are the ones that don't want/mean it!!!!

That said, having been more-or-less where the OP is (and funnily enough, around the same timescale - what was it with last Christmas, eh ? :P ) with something that initially went way too fast and got way too weird, I probably wasn't in the frame of mind to hear it, either, if it had been meant/genuine!

Of course you're entitled to say it, OP, but bear in mind 2 things:

1) By all means, learn from past experiences, but try not to let them shape your future decisions TOO much

2) If you say "go slow", be prepared for the impact.....it might make it more difficult to say "speed up" later....i.e. "be careful what you wish for" !!!

But best of luck! You've got to go at your own pace and if that's the pace that's OK with both people then you're on to something; if not, then it just gets messy!

LegacyUser

Ok, thanks all. I met the new guy again last night, he's just lovely and we're still very much in the "getting to know you phase" I actually really feel ok about wanting to take things slowly because i really am getting the vibe that he's feeling what i'm feeling so i think it'll be ok.

It's weird my mind is not on my ex as much today - there's not really much he can do if i don't let him.

Thanks to everyone, your advice and reassurance is good.

LCN

I promise you things will get better in relation to your ex...I was in a very similar situation and I honestly thought I would never see the day when I would feel free from him...and by that I mean, i really didn't it was ever possible to be over him....it has taken an enormous amount of time but finally i'm getting there....pretty much in the same place as you are....meeting new people and suddenly realising that I'm thinking of the ex less and less... I think when you meet someone now you automatically think 'what would the ex be thinking if he knew?'....but I think if we're honest with ourselves, you actually want them to be sad,hurt,upset and want you back....it's not so much a worry that they're going to cause problems with your new potential relationship....because if we're truly honest with ourselves you know that only you have control over that....they can't hurt you unless you let them back in.... so I agreee with all the other replies....forget about the ex, do not concern yourself with what he would think about you seeing someone else....of course they will be 'put out' and possibly try and contact you....but that is purely for an ego boost...as soon as he feels you still like him...he'll start back acting the way he did before...and hurt you all over again because he'll think he still has a hold on you.....believe me...I've been through this so many times foolishly...I'm only glad now that I've finally realised it and am much more protective of myself....
You sound like a very nice person who has been hurt badly in the past....but now it's your time to look after yourself and have some fun....go out with this person and just enjoy yourself....take it as slowly as you want....because if he's a decent guy and someone who's meant for you...they will wait as long as you need....if he decides he can't well...he's just not that person for you....but that's not a reflection on you....believe that....
It's your time now.....forget about the ex....easier said than done....but you're making very good roads.... chin up

MagicMarker

Hey OP, I remember your previous thread as well, good on ya for moving on and i hope things work out with the new fella.

You don't need to go into details with him and if he's as nice as you say he is then he definitely won't mind taking things slow and will more than likely respect you all the more.

Rosita

Karen_* wrote: »

Dont' give the new guy a big indepth story about the ex. Its not great to go on a date and have the whole night spend discussing the one who came before you. He'll run a mile. Just mention that you're not long out of a very long relationship and you'd like to take things slowly and get to know each other.

Well said. There is a danger of making the 'ex' the central theme in the new relationship. Without getting into the psychobabble too much, it is in fact empowering the 'ex' in its own way by discussing him, and frankly I think the average new boyfriend/girlfriend probably wants these things on a 'need to know' basis only. Having said that, an awful lot of girls I know appear to make their exes the only topic of conversation with a new boyfriend!

tbh

Scaredish wrote: »

Thanks to you all anyway, I'm obviously really happy i've met a nice guy, just hate not knowing what's around the corner

I think if you check that emotion again you'll see it's excitement, not fear

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. Things have been going nicely with this new guy, he seems very respectful and we've avoided discussing exe's too much but we sort of chat naturally too but I haven't gone in to much detail - no more than him with respect to his situation.

I'm really understanding your replies now. I do feel differently about my ex, I'm very distracted and haven't been dwelling on him as much - though i think he has noticed as he has been in touch a lot. I really do think now that it will be easier than i thought it would be.

I'm going over to new guys apt tomorrow night as he wants to cook for me, I'm more scared he'll be expecting more afterwards but hopefully it won't be an issue. I really would need to know him a bit better first.

Thanks all