Marrage pressure - I dont know what to do

LegacyUser

Sorry this is going to be a long one.

I have been dating a chinese girl now for nearly 9 months. I couldnt have been happier for the time we were together. Unfortunatly Visa issues sepertaed us a few monthes back so i agreed id move to China in a year after completing a masters. So i sold my car moved into cheaper accomidation and have begun saving as much as i can to make a fresh start there.

As couples usually do there have been hour long daily phonecalls MSN..... Recently the talks seem to be revolving around the one topic Marrage. Now iv just had the same conversation over and over agin but they continue to get more and more (i dont know a word) fixated on marrage.


I have said that in time yes we would marry but i want to get settled in China first and then let it happen naturally. This is never good enough and she keeps asking to be reassured and that she is ready now, i am selfish and only think of myself, like your brother date for six years, why can i not reassure her. Marrage has now become a stick and tuned into something clinical and this is not what i expected at all, hell i am sort of the romantic type. She has just said on the last phonecall that marrrage is not a bargining thing and left in a huff. I do my best not to bring it up as no matter what i say it makes it worse.

I know in China there is pressure and she has mentioned her friend asking questions like when does he plan to marry you? Another friend is marrying an irish man 6months after they met(to the wedding day).

I dont know what to do anymore after the last phonecall im in bits and have spent the last few hours crying. I really think things are starting to fall apart and i genuinely love her.

I dont know what im looking for by posting this mabe just my way of screaming loudly.

Help

The_Conductor

There is a different culture associated with marriage in some other countries- along with the associated parental and peer pressure. We are seen as a wealthy nation, and to get an Irish guy would be considered a "good catch" for a lot of other nationalities. At the end of the day you really need to have an honest conversation with her- spell out that you are making a commitment to her- that you've sold your car and are saving money to move out to China to be with her. Its not usual for Irish people to marry after having met someone 6 months previously- its not unheard of, but highly unusual. It might be more normal in the States- but in Ireland we like to get to know the person properly- because we value marriage as an institution- and are a lot less likely to get divorced than an American (or someone from a similar country). As such- you are far more likely to get married down the road and stay together- than someone else might be.

At the same point in time- you need to understand the pressure that she might be feeling from family and friends. I'm not sure what the norm in China is- but if she is in a position to discuss how Irish cultural norms differ from Chinese- and how you are showing commitment by emigrating to be with her- perhaps they might be more likely to allow her a little breathing space?

AARRRGH

At 9 months you do not know this girl.

In my experience it takes about 3 years before you get to know the "real" person. By real I mean you've removed every mask and can see what she's really like.

Do not let her pressure you into doing something you do not want to do. If she loves you she will wait.

I went out with a Korean for a while. There was also a bit of pressure to settle down. They have a totally different attitude to marriage than we (Irish) do. For them it's like a business transaction, rather than a romantic gesture.

marti101

I know a chinese girl who lives in Ireland and when she had a serious bf here her parents told her if she got pregnant HE WOULD marry her there was no ifs or buts about it.Maybe thats where she is coming from,you are moving to her country so you have to live by their rules.If you are not ready for marriage maybe you are not ready to move to China.

Phototoxin

At 9 months you do not know this girl.

In my experience it takes about 3 years before you get to know the "real" person. By real I mean you've removed every mask and can see what she's really like.

that's a bit long imho. Marriage is supposed to form some sort of trust. Not dozy "ZOMG 2 days and I LUV HIM" but reasonably. Its not about making sure every detail will work out perfectly but rather being sure that you will be able to get through any differences.

Clare Bear

She may have a different culture and wants to get married but this is your life. Don't let anyone pressure you in to doing something you don't want to do. You're already packing up and moving to China for her, yeah how selfish are you :rolleyes: Don't be bullied in to this. Do it if and when you're ready.

AngryBadger

dahkdgahgduaiu wrote: »

She has just said on the last phonecall that marrrage is not a bargining thing and left in a huff.

OP this quote sums up your entire problem. Whether the difference in perspective is cultural in origin or not, your gf is saying one thing and doing another. marraige is not a bargaining chip and yet she's using it as a stick to beat you with.

I'm not sure how you can best deal with this. if it were me I'd feel the need to state very candidly that I was in no way ready for marraige, that I felt very strongly for her, but that i was in no way going to be rpessured into marraige and if she couldn't deal with this then maybe it was time to go our seperate ways.

Zillah

There is a reason inter racial relationships sometimes have a stigma. Sometimes the reason is racism, but there are very real practical concerns. In this day and age its very a popular notion to pretend that all people and cultures can mix perfectly because we're all equal and everything is made of bunnies and ice cream.

What you need to realise is that she comes from a very different culture and that if its going to work out there have to be compromises. You must also accept that if such compromises can't be made then it can't work.

The decision you need to consider is what you are willing to sacrifice for these compromises and where you will draw the line. The nature of a compromise is that you have to do some things you're not happy about. Depending on where you're drawing the line, she may have to sacrifice some things too. You must also accept that she will not be happy about the things she has to give up.

Lets just hope that in the end you're both overall happier for the life you have together. She, largely due to pressure from her family and friends, views marraige very differently to you. You're either going to have to give her what she wants or convince her to view it your way.

No harm in googling "marriage attitude China" or something like that.

Therickmachine

AARRRGH wrote: »

At 9 months you do not know this girl.

In my experience it takes about 3 years before you get to know the "real" person. By real I mean you've removed every mask and can see what she's really like.

Do not let her pressure you into doing something you do not want to do. If she loves you she will wait.

I went out with a Korean for a while. There was also a bit of pressure to settle down. They have a totally different attitude to marriage than we (Irish) do. For them it's like a business transaction, rather than a romantic gesture.

For some cultures 9 months is more than enough. In fact my Algerian friend was married within 3 weeks of meeting her fiance.

I ve gone out with many Arab men and within a week, they tend to talk marraige and kids. Hilarious!!!! I don t take it soo seriously and explain that in my culture that is not the norm.

In anycase I had no intention of marrying any of them.:D
If I was serious. Yeah I d have to be thinking about marraige and kids quicker than I was with an Irish guy purely due to the culture Id be living in.

HOWEVER, if you are serious (which I take it you are) YOU will have to make adjustments. Especially if you are the foreigner in the new country.

You have to remember that your GF is probably under all sorts of social pressure. I know many chinese girls whose families are at them to get married. Don t underestimate the pressure she may be under!
Ask her if family and friends are at her about this??????. Maybe she could explain to them how different Ireland is culturaly and they might ease off on her.

It might be more normal in the States- but in Ireland we like to get to know the person properly- because we value marriage as an institution- and are a lot less likely to get divorced than an American (or someone from a similar country). As such- you are far more likely to get married down the road and stay together- than someone else might be.

I think we Irish are much more cautious about marraige in general. (wel I am now anyways) Americans and English tend to have a more easy going approach. Probably because divorce has been around for longer with them.
I got engaged at 20 (foolishly) and whilst Irish friends were shocked and saying how utterly crazy I was, My arab and America/English friends tended to accept it as normal. I found it funny to compare the completely different attitudes toward marraige between different cultures.

What you need to realise is that she comes from a very different culture and that if its going to work out there have to be compromises. You must also accept that if such compromises can't be made then it can't work

+100
Absolutely, take it from someone who 4 out of 5 relationships has been with a foreigner!