Violent Housemate

LegacyUser

Hello there:i moved recently into a rented house with a couple of friends. One of the guys in particular is a bit of a hot head at times and is the boss of the house so to speak as he organised us moving in there.

So anyway a few disagreements emerge that happen when people live together, but whats annoying is that when we do disagree over something he cant let it go or even try to compromise its his way or the highway.

Today we had another minor dispute but straight away he was talking like a hardmen, saying he'll do this and that to me if i dont get out of the way, i said stop talking like a wannabe gangster and act like an adult. So he goes for me and we end up on the floor of the hall, i didnt throw any punches but tbh i was close this time to doing so, we just scuffled basically, i told him where to go and that i will call the guards on him (he also sells weed) if he doesnt cop on and left it at that.

This guy has had a difficult year as he has had some major personal traumas, and its the first time he has moved out of his home which was pretty turbulent at times anyway, he regularly fights with his mum and sister in a near similar manner. But im not putting up with the possibillity of him going for me just becuase we have a difference of opinion or argument on some trivial manner, this is not what i signed up for when i moved into this house.

I dont want to call the gardai on him but i was thinking of contacting the letting agency and asking them will they have a word with him(who know for themselves what he's like as he has had several freakouts on the phone and in person with them, again over minor house issues). This is the second time we've nearly come to fisticuffs in one month because of his grandstanding and believe me im not a violent person, i havent 'fought' someone since i was in Primary School!(we're in our early 20s ), but next time im not sure if i'll be able to leave it at just tellling him where to go.

Any advice?

Beruthiel

It's obvious.
Move out.
Why would you even consider living with someone like that?!

m83

Don't fight him. If you do he'll have dragged you down to his level.

Contact the letting agency personally to make them aware of the situation. If he gets physical again call the cops. If he doesn't get the message then move out.

LegacyUser

You're probably right but this guy is meant to be a friend and the house we live in is fabulous. Im not afraid of his violent ways either because physically he isnt up to much i can fend him off, but its just i cant understand why he is acting this way its completely ridiculous and over the top for what are just minor disagreements.

Wurly

rghhhdh wrote: »

You're probably right but this guy is meant to be a friend and the house we live in is fabulous. Im not afraid of his violent ways either because physically he isnt up to much i can fend him off, but its just i cant understand why he is acting this way its completely ridiculous and over the top for what are just minor disagreements.

Some things we never understand. And some mysteries we should not even bother trying to solve. It's a waste of energy.

Em - move out.

There are plenty of other fabulous houses out there...

It's nothing to do with whether you can fend him off or not, this would wreck anyone's head. I for one, couldn't live with someone like that, friend or otherwise. I would not put up with it.

Just move out.

trio

You can't understand it because you have a pretty well-controlled temper. He goes from 0 to 100 in a couple of seconds.

Your friend has an anger management problem and the fact that he acts like this with his family indicates that it's been going on for a long time. It also indicates that he will act like this with whoever he lives with. It also indicates that he can't, or won't control it.

He may not even acknowledge that he has a problem. In which case it will go on and on and on. He may be like this for the rest of his life - though if so, he will certainly come to the attention of the Guards sooner or later.

I would suggest that if you continue to stay in this house, you will not stay friends for very much longer. In fact, since he's not about to change any time soon - I'd say your friendship is pretty much doomed if you stay.

You had a friendship before moving in, so it seems you just have to stop living with him and hopefully your relationship will improve. It may be a deadly house, but it's going to become the worst house you'll ever live in if you're constantly walking on eggshells in case he goes off on one and attacks you over nothing.

LegacyUser

I think what im going to do is what m83 suggested, i'll contact the Letting Agency on Monday, explain to them the situation and see what they say, ideally i hope they'll tell him you're out if you continue to act like this and we get complaints.

When i told him i'll call the gardai it did kind of stop him in his tracks a bit as if he didnt expect me to say something like that, as he's into the dealing he's rather paranoid about any mention of them and i hope it at least shows to him im serious about his behaviour.

Much appreciated all the replies, moving out does appear to be the most likely option but i just want to see if anything can make him cop on, besides these actions i do enjoy living in this house a lot.

marzic

dude, you are not dealing with a rational person, so unfortunately any rational thing that you do will be a waste of time. as for him not being up to much physically, if he sticks a knife in you, which he may never do, then it will be too late to rewind. You cant deal with unstable people unless they are willing to change their behaviour. I would say move out, if your gut instinct is to do that. there will be other houses.

sunshinegirl

get a booklet on anger management and leave it on his bed, leave a message saying we have had enough and its time to confront your problems as they are getting you no where in life and you are losing friends. Signed all the housemates.


say nothing and let him think on it

board om

rghhhdh wrote: »

I think what im going to do is what m83 suggested, i'll contact the Letting Agency on Monday, explain to them the situation and see what they say, ideally i hope they'll tell him you're out if you continue to act like this and we get complaints.

When i told him i'll call the gardai it did kind of stop him in his tracks a bit as if he didnt expect me to say something like that, as he's into the dealing he's rather paranoid about any mention of them and i hope it at least shows to him im serious about his behaviour.

Much appreciated all the replies, moving out does appear to be the most likely option but i just want to see if anything can make him cop on, besides these actions i do enjoy living in this house a lot.

dont go running to the letting agent. it is none of their concern and they will tell you as much. they should only be involved if there are problems with the actual house or with paying rent etc. they are not there to mediate between warring tenants. and it will only cause extra friction between you and your mate.

you are living away from home now so it is time to act lke an adult and by going to the letting agents, or worse still the garda, you may as well be telling mommy and daddy on him. and threatening to call the garda becuase he sells a bit of weed isnt on. you obviously have no problem with him selling it becuase if you did have a problem with it you woudnt have moved in with him in the first place. so you cant go holding that over him. and again if he ends up getting arrested for selling weed becuase you called the garda on him, you are going to lose a lot of friends over it.

be an adult about this and force him to do the same. talk to him and tell him how it is. tell him he is alienating himself by acting the way he is and tell him he needs to start controling his temper. and most of all, tell him you are not afraid of him so you arent going to accept his violent behaviour anymore. you never know, by talking to him you might be able to help him in some way and you could end up being good friends in the long run.

LegacyUser

board om wrote: »

you are living away from home now so it is time to act lke an adult and by going to the letting agents, or worse still the garda, you may as well be telling mommy and daddy on him. and threatening to call the garda becuase he sells a bit of weed isnt on. you obviously have no problem with him selling it becuase if you did have a problem with it you woudnt have moved in with him in the first place. so you cant go holding that over him. and again if he ends up getting arrested for selling weed becuase you called the garda on him, you are going to lose a lot of friends over it.

Im not running to the Gardai because he sells weed, im threatening him with them because today he has attacked me and another time he nearly did. I dont want Gardai involved anymore then he does, thats why im considering going to the letting agency to at least inform them that this is the situation, they are well aware of his temper also, that way if/when it happens again and i do go the gardai i can at least have that as documentary evidence.

Im not sure how to approach him in a rational manner after today, he already has been made aware of his temper by others, i think in hindsight i shouldnt have moved in with this guy.

bangersandmash

marzic wrote: »

dude, you are not dealing with a rational person, so unfortunately any rational thing that you do will be a waste of time.

OP I seriously hope you heed this advice. When he finds out that you have contacted the agent to complain about him behind his back, what do you think his reaction will be? Judging by what you have said, it sounds like he is quite likely to get angry and aggressive. I also guarantee that the letting agent will have absolutely no interest in your personal relations - they'll only consider getting involved if he fails to pay the rent, or damages the property.

As others have said, move out before this escalates any further. Living in a house share where your personal safety is at risk is a very bad idea, no matter who you are sharing with.

board om wrote: »

you are living away from home now so it is time to act lke an adult and by going to the letting agents, or worse still the garda, you may as well be telling mommy and daddy on him.

I agree with some of what you said, but if this guy physically assaults the OP, of course he should go to the gardai. Being worried about "telling" is schoolyard stuff, not the behaviour of an adult.

The reality is that, if this guy threatens and attacks the OP over a minor dispute, he's no "friend" at all. His personal issues can't be used as an excuse for his behaviour.

Miss Fluff

He is not your "friend". If you are not prepared to move out then report him to the Gardai for assault.

Carsinian Thau

Move out.
People like that won't change just because some people from the renting agency have a word with them.
You could be putting yourself in danger by staying around someone like that.

RoosterIllusion

rghhhdh wrote: »

This guy has had a difficult year as he has had some major personal traumas, and its the first time he has moved out of his home which was pretty turbulent at times anyway, he regularly fights with his mum and sister in a near similar manner.

Regardless of that, any person who takes their personal problems or circumstances out on somebody else is an idiot. Move out of the house and make sure to tell him it's because of him and give him a list of reasons why.

My name is URL

He's obviously a complete twat, how you can possibly consider somebody like that to be a friend is beyond me tbh. If it happens again have him removed from the house and if the situation ellevates after that slap him with an injunction of restraint, it's then up to him whether he wants to do jail time or not.

Personally if I was in your situation he'd be long gone from the house, I wouldn't get the guards involved except if it was a last resort but I'd certainly not let a hot headed idiot like that intimidate me in my own home

lemon_of_old

Don't bother with going to the letting agent. I was in a similar situation last year with an agressive housemate. I went to the letting agent just to fill them in on the situation. He happened to call in to them one day and someone at the letting agency let slip that we weren't happy with the situation. He then took the hump, trashed his bedroom, and disappeared, leaving us to clean up his mess and pay for his damage. We lost our entire deposit and could never rent from that letting agent again even though we thought we had been doing the right thing by letting them know what was going on. They don't care. All they want the rent on time.

Sort it out amongst yourselves. If the guy's a "friend" the worst thing you can do is go behind his back. You become the bad guy automatically. The best (and hardest) thing to do is sit him down and have it out. See if talking to him does any good. But yeah, I agree with the posts above regarding dealing with an irrational person. If it's causing you stress and you don't want to have a confrontation, move out. It doesn't matter how fabulous the place is, who you live with is more important than bricks and mortar.

marti101

Hes never going to be rational,you can always get another house but you will never get another life.Move its just not worth the hassle,you will never sleep easy not knowing what/when will send him over the edge.Hes obviously got away with it before so either you move or you will end up losing the head and you will be the one to get in to trouble.Is he the leaseholder or is it you if its him away you go but if its you get rid and get a new less troubled housemate.

Overature

you need to get a gun and pop him up good, then he'll learn.

Silverfish

Overature banned for a week, please read the charter with regards to advocating violence.

useful_contacts

rghhhdh wrote: »

(he also sells weed)

hun that should have told u all u need to know about what kinda person he is, if you sell weed u also smoke it(i know from exp) and weed make u paranoid...

rghhhdh wrote: »

This guy has had a difficult year as he has had some major personal traumas

dont mean 2 sound rotten but....SO WHAT!!! i know loads of people who have dealt with parents/siblings/partners dying, getting stds ,having heart attacks, nearly dying... and they didnt fight the nearest person to them... dont make excuses for him hun

rghhhdh wrote: »

letting agency and asking them will they have a word with him(who know for themselves what he's like as he has had several freakouts on the phone and in person with them, again over minor house issues).

this is why some letting agencys ask for charcter refs, cos ya never know with some ppl, if i was u id get someone (whos voice he didnt know) pretendn to be from the agency and say they have had complains of "yeling " from the neighbours and if theres one more complaint he would evict ye, never know it might work

rghhhdh wrote: »

This is the second time we've nearly come to fisticuffs in one month because of his grandstanding and believe me im not a violent person

U HAVE 2 THINK HUN HOW MUCH U WANT 2 B FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON COS TBH I WOULDNT GIVE THEM D TIME OF DAY

marti101

useful_contacts wrote: »

hun that should have told u all u need to know about what kinda person he is, if you sell weed u also smoke it(i know from exp) and weed make u paranoid...



dont mean 2 sound rotten but....SO WHAT!!! i know loads of people who have dealt with parents/siblings/partners dying, getting stds ,having heart attacks, nearly dying... and they didnt fight the nearest person to them... dont make excuses for him hun



this is why some letting agencys ask for charcter refs, cos ya never know with some ppl, if i was u id get someone (whos voice he didnt know) pretendn to be from the agency and say they have had complains of "yeling " from the neighbours and if theres one more complaint he would evict ye, never know it might work



U HAVE 2 THINK HUN HOW MUCH U WANT 2 B FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON COS TBH I WOULDNT GIVE THEM D TIME OF DAY

Stop usint text speak its really annoying.

Darragh29

Where there are drugs involved, just don't bother. Move on and next time make sure you aren't sharing with a junkie...