How would this rate as a first effort?

kryogen

ok, i gave up on writing a long time ago,just hit a wall and couldnt get passed it and life kinda got in the way but lately was inspired by a situation in my life, (obvious in the song) while i was just fooling around with my guitar

i have wrote a couple of good songs before but nothing spectacular, couple of reviews in magazines (Hotpress) but thats it

this song is very new for me, its like writing for the first time ever, i mean, it reminds me of something a 16 or 17 year old could write, but i wanna get some feedback to see if there is any potential in the song in you guys opinions if i can get back into that frame of mind and work on it

simple format here, not much thought gone into it yet,very simple chord progression, C Am, Em, G with some hammer ons and other little nuances i dont know how i could describe the melody either tbh, it doesnt sound like any song i can think of off the top of my head sorry. just tell me what you think
here goes EDIT: the tempo is slow, that i can tell you!


Why can't it be easier?
You and me
Why cant it be easier?
I dont know why but Im drawn into your eyes

Stranded in between
Cant see no light, there for me
Lost in the between,
You and me, you and me

I hardly know you
But i cant get you out of my head
This seems so strange to me
Why does your smile haunt me while i sleep?

Stranded in between
I see your light, its not for me
Lost in the between
You and me you and me

Maybe one day you'll see
how good it could be
if you gave us that chance
but in all honesty, i know
that days gonna come just
too little too late for me

Stranded in between
Cant see no light
there for me

Lost in the between
you and me, you and me

kryogen

seriously guys, any replys will do, critisism, anything!

dont like putting things out there and being completely ignored

kryogen

thanks lads, wont bother you again

humberklog

kryogen wrote: »

thanks lads, wont bother you again

C'mon don't be like that. It's a very slow forum.
I didn't comment for a few reasons. 1stly is that...well you haven't inputted into other peoples lyrics so it's hard to get a jist of your intent. Get stuck into some one's writing and at least you're inputting into the forum. You're as qualified as anyone else here.
2ndly is that that choice of topic and approach isn't my cup of tea and i would be commenting on something that I had no genuine interest in but others may. It's just a slow forum as said.
My advice is that you should input into some-one elses work which in turn will generate interest in your own. Give a bit to take a bit. Don't be shy.

Burial

I'd love to help you, but I have no idea what the chords you say sound like... I don't play an instrument and I have no idea how it goes, as in my head it'll be different to how you think it should go... Anyway, I don't have a problem with the lyrics accept with this line. "Why does your smile haunt me while i sleep?" Doesn't go for me... Seems off to the rest of the song... (Like it goes with the song, but just the rythem seems off, but I don't know the chords... So I can't really say..) Other than that, nice song.

I was actually away for the weekend... And I have less and less time to reply on boards due to work.... I usually take my time to reply on boards... And as Humberklog says, this part of the forum is kinda dead, but there are people who are trying to make it active!! And I'd love some comments on my songs, especially from someone who written a few songs that appeared in hotpress!

humberklog

Burial wrote: »

I don't have a problem with the lyrics accept with this line. "Why does your smile haunt me while i sleep?"

Spot on Burial. I'd been muckin about with this a bit and've kinda warmed to it but only by omitting this line and " I don't know why but I'm drawn to your eyes".
I'd say have a re-think there Kry. Put in something meaty. The other lyrics are intoning but not directing. If you fling those 2lines as far away as possible and find 2 that will direct the song and nail the intent it's good as gold.

Burial those chords are handy as. Very worth while picking up a cheap nylon string, a chord book and a tuner (Max 50quid the lot) and you'd have those 4 chords in a half hour. Doesn't mean you'll have to end up playing guitar but just knowing a sound. It's easy as. I'm only playing a short time and ain't no spring chicken. Easy and worth it. (You wouldn't be million miles out if you had Nirvana- About a Girl chords in your head, thereabouts(ish)).

kryogen

thanks for the replys guys, was beginning to think the song was sooo bad it wasnt worth working on! na i dont need others to validate me that much, just wanted some feedback

on those two lines, they do go with the melody of the song alright, i am open to changing most of the lines in the song though, have already made some adjustments to it. its a work in progress and needs a more defined chorus imo. ill have a think about it and strum along for a little while and see if anything else pops into my head

the song doesnt sound anything like about a girl to be honest!

humberklog

kryogen wrote: »

the song doesnt sound anything like about a girl to be honest!

I was only pointing burial in the direction of the chord sound. Much the same chords are used in About a Girl. That's all. Kinda like saying Mondriane's paintings are yellow, blue and red. Pollock uses the same colours but yet looks nothing like Mondriane.(If you get the drift).

kryogen

oh i fully understood you! just since the lad said he didnt play an instrument i didnt want him having the wrong idea about how the song sounded