worried about virgin sex

LegacyUser

am seeing guy for couple of weeks and sex will be on the cards soon enough- in next couple of months but am worried already. thing is that i'm not sure whether to tell him i'm virgin or not cos at 30 he might think that very odd. the opportunity just never arose before as i didn't want onenight stands. maybe i should have to be over and done with it.

i'm also concerned that he may tell his mates too and i really don't want to be the talking point of this group of friends.
am sure i'm worried for nothing but sometimes think better to stop seeing him than confront my fears.

Annie Bananie

If the relationship is serious enough for you to lose your virginity to him, then I take is as you love him a lot? If you do, there is no reason why you can't tell him. And if you fear that he will tell his friends, just ask him to please do not. I am very sure he will respect this. If you are in doubt he will respect this, then is he really the man for you?

And if you think it will be easier to stop seeing him instead of facing the fears you have, do you really think it will be easier next time, with another guy, and a tad older?

I think you should tell him. He can not understand the fears you going through and help you unless he knows. Guys (and girls) are not mind readers you know

Dudess

Just be sure you can trust him. I presume he's about your age? Any guy who's about 30 and would go telling his friends intimate details about girls he's seeing is usually easy to spot - for starters, he acts about half his age.

LegacyUser

I am older and a guy.In my experience women a lot older than 30 tell their friend all about their relationshps. My ex told me and her sister all about her current guy and how when she finished with him he came back pleading/crying. be sure you trust him and he is worth the trust. in my expe women seem to talk of their intimate details all round office and tea break

MysticalSoul

Am in the same boat as yourself, although a year older, and have been seeing a guy for nearly a month. I haven't told him about my inexperience yet, but have told him I need to take things slowly, and he is ok with that. I think if a guy has respect for you he will be sensitive to where you are at.

pookie82

If you've only been seeing him a few weeks I don't think you should mention it yet. You're concerned that he'll blurt it to his mates - you need more time with him before you can be sure that he won't, and you need to allow time for you to mean more to him than just blurting it out to his mates in the pub.

Ask him to take things slowly. Tell him you're not the type to jump into bed with guys in the first month or so. I'm betting that by the time you come to tell him, he'll have guessed it anyway. I was into my twenties before I first had sex and when I met the guy I lost it to, I had to build up the courage to tell him too. Except when I finally worked up the guts, he'd guessed ages before that anyway! It really isn't the huge deal that you think it'll be - and if you feel that there's something to be ashamed of in waiting to have sex until you want to (as opposed to what society/peers dictates) that's very unfortunate.

But I would give it a little more time before you tell him. it's something you're not going to share with just anyone and as you've waited this long you're as well to make sure that you don't end up telling someone who betrays your trust.

RoosterIllusion

Well, he probably will tell at least one of his mates. I have discussions about sex with a couple of my friends (both male and female). It's important to get other peoples opinions or to feel like you can discuss things with people. The thought of him saying "she was a f*ckin' virgin and all!" is bad, of course. Then again perhaps, if he tells anyone, it will be more a case of "wow I did not know she was a virgin, I was a bit surprised at first being honest, I hope she liked the sex". I think in that case most guys would be more concerned with what you thought of the sex than the fact that you were a virgin, for their own ego of course not out of concern for the most part.

Annie Bananie wrote: »

If the relationship is serious enough for you to lose your virginity to him, then I take is as you love him a lot?

I laughed at that.

Dudess

Well maybe she doesn't love him a lot (yet) but considering she waited this long and avoided one-night stands, he must mean quite a big deal to her.

pookie82

I get the feeling that maybe she's thinking of just getting it over with? A couple of weeks is pretty soon to decide that this is the person you really want to be your first etc, Maybe deep down she just wants to have it out of the way.

Phototoxin

pookie82 wrote: »

I get the feeling that maybe she's thinking of just getting it over with? A couple of weeks is pretty soon to decide that this is the person you really want to be your first etc, Maybe deep down she just wants to have it out of the way.

that's a perverse attitude. There's nothing WRONG with being a virgin. 'have it out of the way' - you make it sound like a chore ' OH GAWD, I've been meaning to get rid of my virginity its annoying me so much'

am seeing guy for couple of weeks and sex will be on the cards soon enough- in next couple of months but am worried already. thing is that i'm not sure whether to tell him i'm virgin or not cos at 30 he might think that very odd. the opportunity just never arose before as i didn't want onenight stands. maybe i should have to be over and done with it.

why are you worried ? A couple of weeks and you want to give him this part of you already? are yo *totally* sure ?

aidan24326

pookie82 wrote: »

I get the feeling that maybe she's thinking of just getting it over with? A couple of weeks is pretty soon to decide that this is the person you really want to be your first etc, Maybe deep down she just wants to have it out of the way.

If she does then why not just go for it. People make far too big a deal about losing their virginity, and the longer you leave it the more of a big issue it becomes.

For example, I've seen threads on here before with girls describing their virginity as 'sacred' and words to that effect. That sort of thinking isn't healthy and just overcomplicates things.

@The OP

Wait until such time as you trust him enough and are sure he's not the sort of guy who would disrepsect your privacy. You probably have a good idea already though I'm sure. If he's a decent guy he won't be blabbing it around in the pub I assure you. He may even like the fact you're a virgin and be very flattered that you chose him as your first. Just don't sweat it too much.

pookie82

Phototoxin wrote: »

that's a perverse attitude. There's nothing WRONG with being a virgin. 'have it out of the way' - you make it sound like a chore ' OH GAWD, I've been meaning to get rid of my virginity its annoying me so much'




why are you worried ? A couple of weeks and you want to give him this part of you already? are yo *totally* sure ?

Eh, I was considering the fact that maybe she was thinking like that. Where exactly did I advocate it??? can you point that out? I've already mentioned I was into my twenties before I had sex and certainly never felt the need to "get it over with". That doesn't change the fact that the OP mentioned the getting-it-over-with aspect in her OP. So calm down.

bennyblanco

Hi OP,my 2 cents worth :
Confronting your fears can only be a good thing.Which fear is it you're confronting though?
Losing your virginity or that he'll tell his mates or what?
Do you mind me asking what age you are?

If the relationship is still in it's very early stages then why bring it to a head?
Obviously I hope the 'ship goes well for you but what if it just fizzles out before your virginity becomes an issue?Presumably the longer your with him the closer you will be and the more likely he will be to respond in a manner sensitive to your feelings and needs(?)one would hope so in anycase.
As for him talking to his friends about it:I would definitely talk to friends about it,not in a "wahey lads!I'm gonna ride a virgin" type way,but more because I've never been with a virgin and I would be a little apprehensive about hurting you/what to expect(but hey,that's just me:))
Also I would feel really honoured.

Karen_*

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

I laughed at that.

I didn't find it funny The OP is 30 and a virgin so it stands to reason that if she's thinking of having sex with this guy then she must have very strong feelings i.e love for him. Sometimes people who have sex do love each other.

OP if he's same age or older than you then I wouldn't imagine he's going to be telling the lads. If you're going to sleep with him then have the conversation with him that you'd like whatever happens between you to stay between the two of you. But in an adult world and in a serious relationship then there should be no going back to talk to sets of friends about what happens between the sheets.

If you think he might actually go telling the lads that you're a virgin and you can't communicate with him about it then don't have sex with him. Sex obviously has meant alot to you until now and don't drop your standards and just do it sinply to get it over with.

RoosterIllusion

Karen_* wrote: »

I didn't find it funny The OP is 30 and a virgin so it stands to reason that if she's thinking of having sex with this guy then she must have very strong feelings i.e love for him. Sometimes people who have sex do love each other.

I did find it funny. If the OP is a 30 year old virgin then perhaps they have never had a chance to sleep with anyone before, it's hardly a case of going out with ten different guys and feeling than none of them were the right one or whatever.
What I found funny was that you drew a direct connection between sex and love. I wasn't laughing at the OP's situation, not that you said I did or anything, I was laughing at the statement you made as it sounds like a clichéd girly phrase and as they always say there is truth in every cliché.

Karen_* wrote: »

But in an adult world and in a serious relationship then there should be no going back to talk to sets of friends about what happens between the sheets.

That is complete rubbish in my opinion. Stop placating the OP by basically saying that if the guy talks to his friends about his sexual relationship then he is not in an adult world or a serious relationship. To view it like that is looking at it through biased rose-tinted glasses. Asking him to not say it to anybody is a request, not a right. He is not entitled to broadcast it around like a public service announcement but he is perfectly entitled to speak to confidente's about it if he so wishes, if that particular person is you then even better. If not then learn to live with it or get rid of him.

Karen_* wrote: »

Sex obviously has meant alot to you until now and don't drop your standards and just do it sinply to get it over with.

It appears to me that the only experience of sex the OP has is the stigma she has placed on it. 'Dropping your standards and getting it over with' of course does not sound attractive, and it is phrased that way for that exact reason. Sex is very important in relationships. If your apprehensive about it then talk to the guy. If you don't talk to him then it goes one of three ways:

1. You don't have sex and he breaks up with you because he isn't getting what he wants from the relationship

2. He is understanding about it and you feel at ease with him about your current situation.

3. The relationships lasts and you get married and you have sex at some stage in the future.

You being a virgin will make or break the relationship, it makes it if he is understanding and you stay with him and it breaks it if you guys cant work it out. So realise that until you talk to him your not really going to have an epiphany and that you do need to discuss it with him.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your comments- virginity always seems to split the camps.
I don't consider sex as totally sacred or believe its just for marriage- but i would prefer to have sex within a relationship though rather than a one night stand. That just didn't happen in my life so far.

I think as part of a loving relationship is good but am realistic enough to think that i don't have to say 'i love you' to want to have sex. Building up and waiting for some perfect relationship doesn't seem realistic.
The virginity thing just complicates matters and adds anxieties but yes i probably should speak to him if and when the time comes.
Hopefully it'll be something to build upon rather than destroy anything.
Thanks again,

Dudess

I wouldn't mind someone (male or female) telling their mates in the pub that, for example, the sex they're currently having is great... but that's about it.

If there are difficulties (e.g. erectile dysfunction, a smaller penis than the girl would like, vaginismus, poor body image etc) or in this case, something a bit unusual and something the OP feels a bit awkward about (because society has told her to be so) it would be really sh1tty for a guy to go blabbing that casually and for a bit of a laugh to his mates (and yes, women can be bad for it too - I've a friend who goes on about the size of guys' appendages if they're well endowed and really, even though it's a positive thing to say, I find it very crass of her).

However if someone was faced with some unusual/difficult stuff in their sex lives and they needed to confide in someone, then talking to a close friend whom they trust is far more understandable.

By the way OP, you don't seem too freaked out, maybe a bit nervous but that's understandable. I'd say building up your virginity into a huge deal would cause more of an issue, but you don't seem to be.