Feeling lonely.. even though I'm in a relationship

LegacyUser

I met my dream girl, and after two years together we still get on grand, and have been through lots of ups and downs, and worked stuff out.

But sometimes I feel so lonely. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I feel like we are amazing lovers, and good friends. But... well sometimes I feel like we don't share experiences in a deeper way. We share a lot of the same views, but she is not as much into spirituality as me, and sometimes I feel like I would like someone to share all that with. She doesn't appreciate music the same way as me... which is no crime, but sometimes I feel like I would like to share a beautiful song with someone, to share the awe, and the nice feeling a good piece of music can give you... Simple things. I could hear the most amazing sounds, and she would just dismiss it. And that makes me feel... alone actually. Am I weird or what? Or just nit picking because I've become bored after two years with this beautiful woman?

I'm a musician, and when I go out with other friends who are appreciative of the same stuff as me, I feel a deep sense of sharing something, and I don't feel like I'm alone anymore. It's like I'm coming home... the same feeling is present if I'm with people who have followed the same spiritual path as me. We don't even need to talk, we are already thinking the same things, or have many deep things in common. Please understand, these people are usually just friends, not potential lovers. But it's a different feeling...

I appreciate and understand that everyone has different tastes, different upbringing, different emotions. We are complex beasts, and I'm not going to say there is a right or wrong way to understand or appreciate, or even share something. My girlfriend is always reaching out to me so I can share things with her, and I do my best to, even thought sometimes I don't understand it, or cannot truly share in it. And she does the same to me, but after two years together, it seems this "reaching out" is becoming a little more strained on both sides.

And when I'm up with my girlfriend, or hanging around with her family, I get on fine with them and they really like me. It's nice spending time with them, but again, if I'm around them a lot there is a sense of lonliness, of not being in true contact with those other human beings. Of not being able to properly share in their world, their humour, their entertainments. And I like to be in contact, I like that warm feeling of closeness with other people.

I'm sorry if I've rambled on too long. I don't even know if this will make sense to anyone but me!

Karen_*

So what you're saying is that there's something missing from the relationship and its bothering you alot. You're restless and frustrated with the situation and wondering is the girl right for you.

Well sometimes even though someone is wonderful in everyway they just aren't the right person for you. Only you can say whether she is or whether she isn't but its very hard to advise you as to what to do.

Have you talked to her about this? Do you think she's feeling the same way? Do you see yourself with her in ten years time?

I think you probably don't connect with her on the level that you want to and thats causing you lonliness. And relationships are meant to be fulfilled. I guess just think about what you want in the long term.

Sorry I've not really been any help at all!

r3nu4l

I get what you are saying. You talk a lot about her not being interested in music yet you are. Can I ask you, what is she deeply or passionately interested in? Do you share in that with her?

My wife is into popular culture, I'm not. I couldn't give a flying f**k what Katie Holmes did or wore on Friday, nor do I care where Britney shopped on Tuesday. My wife finds that interesting. She is in no way vacuous, she has a deep interest in Genome technology, reading classic literature and Irish culture and heritage.

My point is that I have no interest in this whatsoever, yet every so often I'll see something on BBC News or actively look at a celebrity gossip page and send her a link. It's my way of saying "Hey, you know I think this celeb and pop culture is a load of crap but I'm thinking of you"

It was only through engaging in her interest that we became closer when we were going through a rough patch a few years ago. Maybe if you show some interest in what she is interested in then she will show interest in your interests. That's a whole lot of interest right there!

You could also try to make music interesting for her! Maybe buy her lessons for guitar, piano, whatever. Take her to some concerts, classical, traditional, rock, anything. Don't talk over her head with lots of technical terms or talk down to her, that will only drive her further away.

I once went out with a girl who was a musician, harp and piano mostly. When herself and her 'music' friends got together on a night out they would talk about music and actively exclude me. They would laugh at someones mispronunciation of fugue and talk about 'idiots' who couldn't tell a C chord from an E chord. I would sit there thinking, 'hmmm, I'm being totally excluded from this conversation.

Whether you like it or not, music types can come across as very 'arty', particularly if they are studying music in University. They can come across as arrogant, stuck-up and cliquey. Not all of them but there are many groups of music students who give off an attitude of superiority over those 'less-cultured' than them. Do you and your friends unintentionally do this to your gf? Does she feel excluded and therefore feign a complete lack of interest in music because she's angry at her exclusion?

I'm not saying that;s a problem at all but sometimes we are so caught up in our own interests that we forget that others are even there!

Think about it. Encourage her, talk to her, not at her or down to her!

unhappycamper

Try putting two different types of artists together! My X and all her friends loved animation, all her college friends studied together. They have an appreciation for graphic and design that over the last few years I have tried to be part of. On the other hand I am a musician and songwriter and my X has done her best to support me. The trouble is during the time we had together we both knew that in our twenties we needed to follow career paths that were very different. Ultimately this lead to someone calling it a day and it was her, last Sunday. We spent the first 2 years making room for each-others lives but when we realized that wanting different things meant going our own way well we avoided breaking up over it for the last 8 months.

Feeling alienated is a chord that strikes me many times when in a relationships so I think that is normal, know-body is doing any wrong you just don't feel right in or with the family. It is a horrible feeling I am all too familiar with it. You make the effort just cause you do. Being adopted does not help either.

Take stock. If I could go back and fix things I would have taken a 2 week break just to shine up the feelings of love for one another and see how lucky you are to have each-other, that should help allot. Give it a try.

Remember, a break before you take any action is a positive thing

Beruthiel

NotAlone wrote: »

But sometimes I feel so lonely. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I feel like we are amazing lovers, and good friends. But... well sometimes I feel like we don't share experiences in a deeper way. We share a lot of the same views, but she is not as much into spirituality as me, and sometimes I feel like I would like someone to share all that with. She doesn't appreciate music the same way as me... which is no crime, but sometimes I feel like I would like to share a beautiful song with someone, to share the awe, and the nice feeling a good piece of music can give you... Simple things. I could hear the most amazing sounds, and she would just dismiss it. And that makes me feel... alone actually. Am I weird or what?

No. You're not weird.
Some of us are ok if our OH isn't into the same stuff as us. Some of us need to be with someone who 'gets' the stuff we are into.
On some basic level, if you need your OH to understand that, then that's what you need.
She maybe fantastic, but if you feel lonely and desperately need her to understand, is she really then one for you?
You either have to come to terms that she will never appreciate music as much as you, or you leave and find someone who does.

LegacyUser

r3nu4l wrote: »

It was only through engaging in her interest that we became closer when we were going through a rough patch a few years ago. Maybe if you show some interest in what she is interested in then she will show interest in your interests. That's a whole lot of interest right there!

This is excellent advice. You want a deep connection with your loved one. You believe the thought "She should be interested in my interests". Now reverse this projection back to you "I should be interested in what interests her". Don't wait for someone else to make the first move. If you want that deep connection, you should be what you want her to be - go be interested in her interests! What better way to get that connection?

LegacyUser

hi there,
i really can connect with you. ive just cime out of a two year relationship and it was because we just didnt seem to connect on that deeper level. we functioned ok on the outside but our conversation revolved around mondane topics and to be truthfully i was board of him....
i need some mental stimulation....

what do you think???

SarahMc

A partner will never meet all one's needs, and it is unhealthy to look for a partner to do so.

You are lucky that you have friends who you can connect with and share your love of music with. A partner does not have to be into the same stuff as you, and IME it is healthier if there are different interests, so each partner can learn from the other, and have passions outside the relationship.

Silverfish

Thread is nearly a year old.

Closed.