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Friday Quickies

  • 29-08-2008 10:15am
    #1
    rocky25
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭


    Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates.

    St. Peter looked them over and said,

    "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here."

    The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said,

    "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?"

    The woman replied,

    "Oh, that's easy.

    That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and..."

    "Wrong," replied St. Peter,

    "You'll have to wait."

    He turned to the second blonde and said,

    "What is Easter?"

    The second blonde replied,

    "I know, Easter is about Jesus.

    In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday."

    St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed.
    He turned to the third blonde and said,

    "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"

    The third blonde smiled and said,

    "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring.

    Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Bloody Romans by one of his disciples.

    Then the Bloody Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him.

    He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder."

    St. Peter smiled and nodded.

    The blonde continued,

    "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out,

    and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

    St. Peter fainted...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla,

    'How do you spell 'dumb'?"

    Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

    The teacher says,

    "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

    She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

    "Now spell 'stupid'."

    Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."

    The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

    Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

    Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks,

    "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

    Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

    The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."

    "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

    His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks,

    "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

    The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you."

    And then he dies.

    A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice.

    The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

    The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

    "What's the bad news?"

    "You're pitching on Wednesday."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill.

    People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

    As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced,

    "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,

    I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

    "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

    It's a very special watch.

    Its been in my family for six generations."

    She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

    "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

    Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,

    until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
    breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "Sh1t" said the hypnotist.

    It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.


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