Is my man living off me

moonlooney

Hi all,i'm new here, an lookin for someone elses opinion. my boyfriend and I are both students and we live together,we both have scholarships and grants etc.,I get slughtly more as i have two kids so get maintenance, but i have to fork out for childcare. He has gotten a job this summer, but he's not handing over anything extra, I pay for most of the bills, he pays small amount off gas and lecky. before he got his job he wasnt handing over anythin, just payin those bills, but now hes getting almost double but i dont feel much difference to my purse please helpas hes good in most other ways, but this is really eating at me, and im rejecting him because of it. We've had rows about it before but i just feel guilty then for makin him feel small but i dont want to be taken for a ride either

Chinafoot

If you live together then all bills such as rent, electricity, heat, tv, internet should be 50/50.

Sit him down and tell him that as you have the 2 kids to consider you can't afford to be paying his way. If he doesn't accept that I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Victor

You are raising three 'children'. One is old enough and earning enough to be contributing.

moonlooney

I have sat him down and said it to him, and he always talks me down, he only get half what i get when we are in college, he has car payments to make etc as have I, he acknowledges that Im supportin him, but says that it will be the opposite once he's graduated, (im a year behind him) So far though that statement has yet to be proven Im tryin to explain it as fairly as I can so that when i read it again with advice I'll know i've been fair, if ye know what I mean :eek:

MysticalSoul

Maybe put some bills in his name instead, so then he has to pay?

Chinafoot

moonlooney wrote: »

I have sat him down and said it to him, and he always talks me down, he only get half what i get when we are in college, he has car payments to make etc as have I, he acknowledges that Im supportin him, but says that it will be the opposite once he's graduated, (im a year behind him) So far though that statement has yet to be proven Im tryin to explain it as fairly as I can so that when i read it again with advice I'll know i've been fair, if ye know what I mean :eek:

I'd be having none of that tbh. I don't see how car repayments come close to child care for 2 children. Why on earth should you be supporting him? If he can't afford to pay his way and his car repayments then he can't afford a car.

Ultimately your responsibilty is to your two kids. You need to look after them and then look after yourself. If you're struggling to do that because you're supporting this man then you need to change things. Don't let him talk you down or promise you it'll all change when he's making his fortune after college. He can't guarantee that at all and its unfair for him to expect you to support him and your kids. You get extra money because of your kids, not to support this guy.

seahorse

If he can watch you struggle raising two kids while juggling study and paying his bills for him I wouldn’t be holding out for the great post-graduation giveaway if I was you. He doesn’t sound like the type.

How is the stress of carrying him good for your kids or your grades in college? If I were you I hope I'd have the cop on to tell him to fuk off.

seahorse

Chinafoot wrote: »

You get extra money because of your kids, not to support this guy.

+ 1

IanCurtis

moonlooney wrote: »

I get slightly more as i have two kids so get maintenance, but i have to fork out for childcare.

Slightly more????? A lot more, don't lie.

Don't have me stating here how much two kids brings in extra revenue, we're not talking tenners here.

Nevyn

If they are co habiting and being honest about it then all she is getting is her child benefit which does not go a long way at all.

AngryBadger

Hang on a second OP, you're willingly involved with this guy??? Seriously? He's ,taking the piss, but if you're willing to go along with it then I've no sympathy

MagicMarker

Yup same here...

You're living together, everything should be split 50/50. If you're paying the majority well then to be honest, that's your fault. No one forces you to take your money out of your wallet.

It reminds me of being a teenager again, my mother would complain that i never wash up after myself, well why would i do that if i know she'll do it for me?

Carrigart Exile

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'd be having none of that tbh. I don't see how car repayments come close to child care for 2 children. Why on earth should you be supporting him? If he can't afford to pay his way and his car repayments then he can't afford a car.

Ultimately your responsibilty is to your two kids. You need to look after them and then look after yourself. If you're struggling to do that because you're supporting this man then you need to change things. Don't let him talk you down or promise you it'll all change when he's making his fortune after college. He can't guarantee that at all and its unfair for him to expect you to support him and your kids. You get extra money because of your kids, not to support this guy.

They are not his kids, another man, their father, pays maintenance for them. The OP is not supporting her boyfriend, he is however, is living in her space relatively free gratis. You are well within any level of decency to ask for some more contribution to the bills particularly given the steep increases in utility bills. How you play it will be important if you want to maintain the relationship. You can follow the 'right on girl' advice and make ultimatums and watch your relationship end or you can set out all of the outgoings and incomings for the house and show him them. Explain you cannot make ends meet (I assume you can't?) and ask him for a fairer contribution to the bills.

dudara

I think Carrigart Exile makes an interesting point there. A spreadsheet illustrating the monthly costs and incomes might help highlight the issue to him.

In my opinion, all household bills should be split proportionately. As you have two kids, maybe you should pay more than 50% but at the same time, he should be making a reasonable regular contribution.

Marksie

IanCurtis wrote: »

Slightly more????? A lot more, don't lie.

Don't have me stating here how much two kids brings in extra revenue, we're not talking tenners here.

You right we wont have you starting here, it will be off topic and will get you infracted and banned

not yet

The simple answer is yes..........

lostinnappies

As the only two earners in the house hold bills should be split 50/50. You cant really expect him to pay back payments for other bills, but defo he should help out a little bit more. He sounds like he might be stockpiling for a rainy day perhaps. Unless hes going out spending it on silly things.

craichoe

The fact he let it get into this situation in the first place is worrying, I wouldn't let a partner take the hit for my bills if i couldn't pay my way. If you were his landlord and he didn't pay his way he'd be out on his ass.

Bottom line, he has to pay his way, if he can't.. then bring up the point that if you weren't his g/f what would be do ?

Just because your together doesn't mean your a free ride. If he can't afford the car he'll have to sell the car.

If he wants he could take out a loan and pay his way with that, and then pay it off when he graduates like the rest of the population.

You need to sort out the money crap... or its going to eat away at your relationship.

Do not let him secure ANY finance in your name or in any joint fashion.

Are you getting extra money because you have specified your are not living with your partner ?

LegacyUser

hang on a sec...

they're not his kids (or so i'm presuming from the first post), the extra expense of them (childcare, food, etc) isn't really his problem. it's for the father of the kids to pay up if they're a financial burden.

obviously he should pay half of rent, household bills, gas, esb, but why should his dosh go toward paying for another man's kids?

LegacyUser

You are making yourself miserable, disrespecting yourself and your man and possibly beginning to resent him - all because you *think* that he won't pay his way. The answer is as simple as asking what you need from him. If he accepts your view, then you can begin to work on a mutual financial agreement. If he refuses, then you have to reconsider being with him. The answer has nothing to do with love, it has to do with integrity. What is right for you and what is right for your children. He also needs to do what is right for him. If an agreement can't be made, without one of you sacrificing your own integrity then the decision is made on what to do. Would you rather be in a relationship where you resent your man because you disrespect yourself, your own views i.e. your integrity. Would you rather he be in a relationship where he sacrifices his?

Love is unconditional. If love is based on conditions, like on condition of him paying his bills, then it isn't really love is it?

Our integrity is what we must always uphold. Sacrificing it in the name of love is insane, and dishonest to everyone involved.

Take care.

Beruthiel

OP
You're been taken for a ride. If his living with you then he pays half the household bills. End of story. Otherwise, out on his ear. I wouldn't put up with that crap for a nanosecond!

Chinafoot

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

They are not his kids, another man, their father, pays maintenance for them. The OP is not supporting her boyfriend, he is however, is living in her space relatively free gratis. You are well within any level of decency to ask for some more contribution to the bills particularly given the steep increases in utility bills.

If she is paying his way then she is supporting him.

hang_on wrote: »

hang on a sec...

they're not his kids (or so i'm presuming from the first post), the extra expense of them (childcare, food, etc) isn't really his problem. it's for the father of the kids to pay up if they're a financial burden.

obviously he should pay half of rent, household bills, gas, esb, but why should his dosh go toward paying for another man's kids?

The OP has only mentioned the household bills. She hasn't once suggested that her boyfriend should contribute to the childcare fo her kids. The point is that he isn't contributing to the household bills because he sees her as getting more money than he is, despite the fact that this extra money is for her children not the rent and gas bills.

neuro-praxis

I find these situations impossible to understand. Surely if partners love and trust one another they pool their resources and pay for bills/groceries/children/social life out of a joint account? Why all this "my money / your money" hassle?

If you can't share everything with your partner (or vice versa) then I suggest you shouldn't be living together. Get separate accounts, houses, bills etc., and then there's no problem about money.

It just boggles the mind.

Pigletlover

IanCurtis wrote: »

Slightly more????? A lot more, don't lie.

Don't have me stating here how much two kids brings in extra revenue, we're not talking tenners here.

Yeh, having kids these days is very profitable :rolleyes:

OP your boyfriend should be contributing half the cost of household bills - rent, heating electricity etc. If he's not doing that now when he has some extra cash I can't see him doing it when he graduates from college. Explain to him that you have two children to support as well as yourself and that you shouldn't have to support him too. Don't let him talk you down, if he doesn't agree to pay his own way get rid.

BK2

I really don't understand how you can afford childcare, rent, bills, food, car payments etc on a grant and maintenance. You don't even get a college grant during the summer. I don't want to defend the OP other half but if he is only getting a grant that is not a lot of money to live off, during the summer he should contribute more but probably saves some for during the year. You both need to sit down and go through the figures, I am still completely confused as to how you can afford everything and am not sure if you are being taken advantage of because it is unclear where you are getting the money from. Is your ex-partner paying your rent for you, your boyfriend and the children?

carlybabe1

If you read her original post she tells you she gets scholarships too as does he.

Seriously tho op, if he was living on his own payin his rent bills and car etc, would he still be able to afford his car? or can he only afford it cause your payin for everythin else. If he would be worse off on his own then tell himyou cant afford him and pay up or **** off

BK2

carlybabe1 wrote: »

If you read her original post she tells you she gets scholarships too as does he.

Cheers carlybabe I can read thanks, perhaps I should have stated how can you afford rent etc with maintenance, grant and scolarship. Scolarships don't usually amount to much by living standards either.

carlybabe1

BK2 wrote: »

Cheers carlybabe I can read thanks, perhaps I should have stated how can you afford rent etc with maintenance, grant and scolarship. Scolarships don't usually amount to much by living standards either.

Ok then, eh Im NOT the OP.....and she didnt disclose how much he or she gets, and obviously she can afford it or she wouldn't be going to college :rolleyes:

BK2

I should have stated means I was referring to my original post to the OP, I know you are not the OP. :rolleyes:

carlybabe1

HMMMM I dont reckon any of that is necessary info though, as i said before obviously she can afford to go to college pay the bills etc so your question is a bit pointless at best