Having a dump in work - being paid to sh!t!!

Fanny Wank

Was in work today, had to have a sh!t after lunch

Was sitting on the throne and it suddenly dawned on me that (seeing as I was still on the clock having come back from something to eat) that I was actually getting paid to have a dump. Must say a very happy moment of enlightenment as I have a number 2 just about every day in work

Steyr

I try not to take a dump on my time but il do as many as possible on work time:pac:

javaboy

Em yeah. Make sure you bring it up at your next performance review. :rolleyes:

What's with all the "I shat at work" threads in the past few days?

Overheal

productive? Oh yes very productive! I produced about 4.2 kurichs today!

Fanny Wank

javaboy wrote: »

Em yeah. Make sure you bring it up at your next performance review. :rolleyes:

What's with all the "I shat at work" threads in the past few days?

sorry, haven't been on here in ages.

Only usually post when I have a flash of inspiration and want to share it with random strangers

Degsy

I allways wait till i get to work before dropping bombs.I dont have to get the stench out of my bathroom,wash the skid marks off the bowl or worry about how much bogroll i'm using either.Some people in my place i've noticed,arent particular about such things as flushing,aiming or picking swathes of wet bog roll up off the piss-splatterd floor.

Lockstep

I love doing a **** while being paid.

always do it as much as possible.

SV

I look at DVDs and surf the internet when working.

Beat that.

oh..and occasionally I will take a trip to the toilets too.

Jay D

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.


FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.



THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.


WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE NED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ned makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Run_to_da_hills

Anyone working for the likes of Microsoft, Panametrics GE, GE, Debeers, Irish Lights, Intel, Dell, Dublin Airport, and other high security jobs must carry an RFID card on person when anywhere the premises. These cards contain RFID chips that can be used for high security devices to clock in and also restrict entry into certain parts of the building. They can access you through turn styles. open locks on doors but unknown to many electronic portals can also be secretly fitted to other rooms through the building including the jacks.:eek:

Management in some firms can watch the movements of individuals throughout any part of the building and they can also tell who is sitting on the can reading a paper and how long he has been there. :eek:

The ESB was approached a few years back about similar RFID security tags for employees but thank God the Unions threw out the idea, In time the National ID will be used as a similar tracking device for state departments and will soon creep into places like thew ESB and CIE and they soon know exactly how long it has taken you to have a cr*ap !!!

javaboy

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

Anyone working for the likes of Microsoft, Panametrics GE, GE, Debeers, Irish Lights, Intel, Dell, and other high security jobs must carry an RFID card on person when on the premises. These cards contain RFID chips that can be used for security devices to restrict entry into certain parts of the building.
They can access you through turn styles but unknown to many electronic portals can also be fitted to other rooms through the building including the jacks.:eek:

Management in some firms can watch individuals in any part of the factory and they can tell who is sitting on the can reading a paper and how long he has been there. :eek:

The ESB was approached a few years back about RFID security tags for employees buy thank God the Unions threw them out, In time the National ID will be used as a similar tracking device for state departments and soon they can tell how long you have been having a cr*ap !!!

Oh noes! My boss in Intel knew when I was taking a dump. :rolleyes:

NoSummer

Wow, thats sh1t

KTRIC

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

Anyone working for the likes of Microsoft, Panametrics GE, GE, Debeers, Irish Lights, Intel, Dell, Dublin Airport, and other high security jobs must carry an RFID card on person when anywhere the premises. These cards contain RFID chips that can be used for high security devices to clock in and also restrict entry into certain parts of the building. They can access you through turn styles. open locks on doors but unknown to many electronic portals can also be secretly fitted to other rooms through the building including the jacks.:eek:

Management in some firms can watch the movements of individuals throughout any part of the building and they can also tell who is sitting on the can reading a paper and how long he has been there. :eek:

The ESB was approached a few years back about similar RFID security tags for employees but thank God the Unions threw out the idea, In time the National ID will be used as a similar tracking device for state departments and will soon creep into places like thew ESB and CIE and they soon know exactly how long it has taken you to have a cr*ap !!!

And when I'm taking my fourth dump of the day I sit there happy and content in the fact that monitoring the movement of people is illegal in Germany

Even if they did check my card swipes and net usage (illegally) they couldn't do anything about it :cool:

SV

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

Anyone working for the likes of Microsoft, Panametrics GE, GE, Debeers, Irish Lights, Intel, Dell, Dublin Airport, and other high security jobs must carry an RFID card on person when anywhere the premises. These cards contain RFID chips that can be used for high security devices to clock in and also restrict entry into certain parts of the building. They can access you through turn styles. open locks on doors but unknown to many electronic portals can also be secretly fitted to other rooms through the building including the jacks.:eek:

Management in some firms can watch the movements of individuals throughout any part of the building and they can also tell who is sitting on the can reading a paper and how long he has been there. :eek:

The ESB was approached a few years back about similar RFID security tags for employees but thank God the Unions threw out the idea, In time the National ID will be used as a similar tracking device for state departments and will soon creep into places like thew ESB and CIE and they soon know exactly how long it has taken you to have a cr*ap !!!

Would ya ever be quiet with all this national ID card ****, it's beyond annoying at this stage.

admiralofthefleet

ahhh, time and a turd

hottstuff

Is there a sh!t obsession on Boards ?

I enjoy a sh!t as much as the next lad, but MY brain is the only one to get off on it.:rolleyes:

javaboy

ClioV6 wrote: »

Would ya ever be quiet with all this national ID card ****, it's beyond annoying at this stage.

I don't know how he does it tbh. Pick a subject, any subject and he can turn it into the RFID thing in no time. It's a talent tbh.

yeshi

I can see national statistics hitting the news headlines soon. Irish businesses loose thousands in business with employees taking too many dumps at work.

Be productive when dropping one and take a newspaper with you.

5starpool

Jay D wrote: »

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work...
...
...
...
...
...
etc, etc

If you find one of them written by a man it might be funny. Seems whoever wrote that would rathertake a dump in a private sound proofed cublicle while time was frozen for everyone else so they would not know they had a crap.

Than again, that time stopping device would come in handy, but i wouldn't waste it having a dump.

KTRIC

Just back from a nice dump and I worked out it cost my employer €9.66

Archeron

javaboy wrote: »

E

What's with all the "I shat at work" threads in the past few days?

I shat at work, and I liked it.....
The memory of that cherry bakewell.....

chin_grin

What's even better is if you take a pic of it. Get back to your desk. And email your colleagues of the impending doom they will see if they feel the urge to head.....Ah just kidding I always flush. But I do take pictures.......sometimes.......to remind myself......:(

FlutterinBantam

Uuuuuuhmmm a few like minded souls here I figure.

The great thing about the auld work dump is you can tailor it to suit your current situation.

I mean, when you get bollocked out of it by the lardy arsed boss you can exact a certain amount of revenge in the cludgie.'Specially if it's a woman!!

In my early years in a large company ,some fibrous,cheese holed,bellicose, thick thighed female boss took her sour smelling pissflappy angst out on me.

Having consumed a spicy curry washed down by up to a dozen Cobra beers and a bag or two of Bombay Mix,I took to the bog .

There was a lot of pressure building up in the tubes,and my attitude was quite hostile,so having planted the feet firmly on the ground and aimed the walnutt in the general direction of the shítter,I just gave it full throttle,idle to take off just like that!!!

The general area was sprayed in a shower of bright yellow middens which settled on everything within two feet in a cloying rancid sour smelling mist.
Bowl ,cistern, under the washbasin pedestal totally coated in a fine spray.

Now sort that out you cnunt,I says to meself, and have to say, felt a new man on my way back to the desk.

Run_to_da_hills

javaboy wrote: »

I don't know how he does it tbh..

javaboy wrote: »

Pick a subject, any subject and he can turn it into the RFID thing in no time. It's a talent tbh.

That is because spychips are being introduced into every aspect of life, soon you will not even be able to fa*rt with out them :eek:

Dr. Loon

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

Uuuuuuhmmm a few like minded souls here I figure.

The great thing about the auld work dump is you can tailor it to suit your current situation.

I mean, when you get bollocked out of it by the lardy arsed boss you can exact a certain amount of revenge in the cludgie.'Specially if it's a woman!!

In my early years in a large company ,some fibrous,cheese holed,bellicose, thick thighed female boss took her sour smelling pissflappy angst out on me.

Having consumed a spicy curry washed down by up to a dozen Cobra beers and a bag or two of Bombay Mix,I took to the bog .

There was a lot of pressure building up in the tubes,and my attitude was quite hostile,so having planted the feet firmly on the ground and aimed the walnutt in the general direction of the shítter,I just gave it full throttle,idle to take off just like that!!!

The general area was sprayed in a shower of bright yellow middens which settled on everything within two feet in a cloying rancid sour smelling mist.
Bowl ,cistern, under the washbasin pedestal totally coated in a fine spray.

Now sort that out you cnunt,I says to meself, and have to say, felt a new man on my way back to the desk.

Did your boss clean the toilet?

javaboy

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

That is because spychips are being introduced into every aspect of life, soon you will not even be able to fa*rt with out them :eek:

I can't wait. They can use this anal spychip to monitor your farts. Personally I support personal emissions based taxation. Polluter pays and so on.

Originally my thinking was "Well why don't we tax vindaloo and beans etc.?" since they're the foodstuffs causing the most noxious personal emissions. But then I realised I was wrong. If you think about it, there are some people who just don't maintain their innards well. Some people can eat a big bowl of beans without producing more backfires than Uncle Buck's car. And some people get a dose of the machine guns just by eating a cheese and branston pickle toasted sambo. So I reckon we should target the people who are actually emitting the most fumes.

After all if two cars use the same amount of petrol but one emits a lot more CO2 in the process, we tax the dirtier car more. Why shouldn't it be the same with people?

ssmith6287

Overheal wrote: »

productive? Oh yes very productive! I produced about 4.2 kurichs today!

Hot hot hot hot hot hot

Bono want d bidi??:D

javaboy

ssmith6287 wrote: »

Bono want d bidi??:D

Did anyone else think that was a blatant ripoff of the Little Britain "bitty" sketch right down to the accent Bono said it in?

Or was it just coincidence?

Quazzie

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

That is because spychips are being introduced into every aspect of life, soon you will not even be able to fa*rt with out them :eek:

I for one welcome out fart monitoring overlords!!

FlutterinBantam

Dr. Loon wrote: »

Did your boss clean the toilet?

Probably, because no self respecting toilet cleaner would clean it.


Either she did it,or wait for the flies:rolleyes:

Dub13

Never mind having a crap,getting paid to ride now there is something to be proud of.It has not happened to me in a few years but in a former job I was out on the road a lot and I used to pop into a girl I was seen at the time and give her a good seeing to.

xbox36016

usad to to work in a bmw g and i had to tike my phone in the loo what me and i was still working while i was in the loo so thiking and ****ing on the loo

Overheal

javaboy wrote: »

Did anyone else think that was a blatant ripoff of the Little Britain "bitty" sketch right down to the accent Bono said it in?

Or was it just coincidence?

its alll explained here