Moral Question

LegacyUser

This isnt so much a personal question but a moral query. A "What would you do" Mods plz move if you dont deem it P.I.

Out with new gf of almost 5 months over the wkend, Im meeting her main group of friends for the first time at a private party. Get introduced and everything is going well, but get the distinct feeling at start of the night that 1 r 2 of the lads have taken an automatic disliking to me, later found out one of these is my gfs ex (2 - 3 yrs earlier).

As the night progress Mr ex bf has thrown some snide remarks towards me (for what reason I cant be sure - only presume) Then near the night end makes one about my gf, which does NOT sit well with me. I tell him to shut up and grow up, he throws a swing at me and catches me only lightly, he then throws another one and I avoid and dodge the 2 more hit till his mates pull him off. Now Im much bigger and bit older than him, as am with my gf (20 vs 26) I could have easily hurt him alot quicker than he hurt me (thats not the point). My gf is now annoyed at me over fact I didnt hit back? Possible reason, that I didnt defend her from remark he made???? To be honest I thought it would have been better that I didnt make a show of myself or of gf 1st time infront of her other "not so volitile / hostile" friends? Guys would you normally hit back or does it take something in particular like that to set you off. Ladies what would you have prefered yourself?

anniehoo

Definitely better that you didnt hit back, the consequences wouldve been far worse (you will forever be known as the bf that gets into fights), but yeh,being a typical girl i can see where your gf is coming from. She just wants you to be the hero bf and come to her rescue. I wouldnt worry about it. Believe me, if she likes you enough she'll get over this faaar quicker than if you'd hit her ex. Fair play for not retaliating,id say that was hard!

MagicMarker

Fair play to you for holding back. Don't know if i could have done the same tbh.

Don't worry about your girlfriend, if anything she's just showing a bit of immaturity with wanting you to fight back.

minidazzler

Morals are relative, and I (at the time) would most likely have hit him, although I would like to think I wouldn't. but I am a hot head when it comes to the sh1t flying.

Good on ya for not hitting him though.

dsmythy

Fair play for not giving into the urge. In the end he showed himself to be a prat and you to be the mature one and by the ages in question that incident went about the way it should of happened. Also you defended her honour when you opened your mouth to him telling him where to go. I presume she doesn't really want someone willing to fight at the drop of a hat.

mumhaabu

I get the distinct feeling that had you hit Mr. Ex you GF would have had a hissy fit and be all you hurt him and make you out to be the aggressor. It lookd like a lose lose situation to me and if this is the baggage you have seen of her so far start digging fast as who knows what other skeletons she has lying in the closet, don't waste too much time with her if stuff like this crops up regularly.

You did defend her verbally. Why isn't that good enough?

Rowley Birkin QC

Fair play to you for holding back.

With me it would depend on the severity of the comment. Also if he took 3 swings at you IMO you would have been perfectly entitled to lay him out. That said, it wouldn't have solved anything but there would be no way you could be seen as the aggressor.

sinnerboy

Sorry OP . GF is taking the piss . You "found out later" that he was the ex ?
She is playing games with both of you . Drop her NOW .

Beruthiel

conundrum wrote: »

My gf is now annoyed at me over fact I didnt hit back? Possible reason, that I didnt defend her from remark he made???? To be honest I thought it would have been better that I didnt make a show of myself or of gf 1st time infront of her other "not so volitile / hostile" friends?

Your g/f has a lot of growing up to do.
I would be disgusted at any bloke who needed his fist to get his point across.
I have nothing but admiration that you used your brain instead and got your point across verbaly. IMO you won that argument. Well done.
Tell your g/f to cop on, I personally would have no time for anyone who thinks the way she does.

05D

Moonbaby wrote: »

You did defend her verbally. Why isn't that good enough?

You defended her! Don't stoop to his level and hit back!

girl_friday

Female perspective: I would have been glad you hadn't risen to the bait and hit back but then again I would also have made you aware in advance that an ex may or may not be there... Forewarned is forearmed and all that jazz!!

the glass woman

Very immature of your girlfriend to be honest. You did the right thing by not rising to this guy.. It wouldn't have ended well for anyone concerned.. Especially you.

humanji

As has been said, you did the right thing. Had you swung back, you'd be seen as no better than the ex. By not only taking a hit, but also not fighting back, the people at the party saw you defend your girlfriend and not lower yourself to the guys level. If they have anything less than respect for you then forget about them. If your girlfriend thinks that violence is the only way to show you care about her then explain to her why she's wrong. If she still doesn't get it, then move on and find someone with a bit more maturity.

SpookyDoll

You did right OP, as a woman I would have much more respect for a man who solves things verbally rather than with fists.

I hope your GF is not one of those girls who gets a thrill/buzz from seeing men "fighting over her" , if so it may be that the age gap is more significant than you thought.

Physical fighting should be a total last resort, self defence only.

Dfens

SpookyDoll wrote: »

You did right OP, as a woman I would have much more respect for a man who solves things verbally rather than with fists.

I hope your GF is not one of those girls who gets a thrill/buzz from seeing men "fighting over her" , if so it may be that the age gap is more significant than you thought.

Physical fighting should be a total last resort, self defence only.

+1 on that, coming from a woman I hope that your GF admires the way that you are above such childish behaviour (unlike her Ex-BOY friend) & show a lot of restraint & maturity as MEN should :cool:

hobochris

In this case I think the men were separated from the boys.

You proved yourself a man using your head before your fists.

By taking the punches and not fighting back you were defending your gf honor but not lowering yourself to his childish level..

The question your gf needs to ask herself is if shes looking for a man or a boy.

K-9

Seems to be a big difference in maturity here!

She sounds very young and immature!

trio

As a woman, I would have preferred you acted exactly like you did.

I would be mortified if a new boyfriend of mine threw slaps at the first party he was at with my other friends. I would have preferred him to be the bigger man and made the other guy look like a stupid little drunken eejit, which is what you did. But at the same time, if something nasty was said about it, I'd expect me to defend me verbally.

So I think it was spot-on.

However, your girlfriend is only 20, and I think that her reaction is very much a sign of that. When I was 20, I hadn't a clue about anything and I embarressed myself with regularity. I'd say all my friends look back with much the same reaction.

She obviously only has experience of "typical male reactions" from the guys she knows (such as Mr. Tosspot you met). Because she's so young, you're possibly the first non-Tosspot guy she's known, and she think's it bizarre that you didn't react like a Tosspot.

The question is: will you be able to teach her that your way of reacting was actually better? Or will she reject it, and only want a Tosspot? If it's the latter, then let her off. You'll never match what she wants.

There's a BIG difference between a fairly mature 26 yr old, which you seem to be - and a fairly immature 20 yr old, which she seems to be. Whilst 6 years age difference is nothing when you get into your late twenties/early thirties - it's quite vast at the age your talking about. So that could be food for thought there.

The fact that she didn't alert you to the fact that one of the guys had gone out with her a few years before is not a big red flag for me - mainly because she went out with him 2-3 years before and presumably thought it was so long ago that it wasn't particularly relevant.

Whilst I'd make sure to alert a new bf to a recent ex at a party - I'm not sure I'd bother pointing out someone I was with 2-3 years before. Ancient history, and all that. Not unless I was like, deadly serious with the guy, which I doubt she was, at 17.

K-9

trio wrote: »

There's a BIG difference between a fairly mature 26 yr old, which you seem to be - and a fairly immature 20 yr old, which she seems to be. Whilst 6 years age difference is nothing when you get into your late twenties/early thirties - it's quite vast at the age your talking about. So that could be food for thought there.

Meant to say that myself!

LegacyUser

To all that replied thank you, its kinda set my mind at ease with regards to issue. Yes I do now think my gf reaction was immature and Ive spoken to her about it, explained why I reacted way I did. She doesn't get it, but I think appreciates what I was doing.

On the point of gf and her ex being there. She didn't know he would be there as it was a surprise (her ex is bro of birthday girl) just after being introduced she told me so I dont think she was either trying to cause issue or hide it from me. Thanks again everyone!

peanut66

I think some girls want a bit of both! On the one hand they want their man to stick up for them and come to the rescue. Some girls need their bf to hit other guys to make them feel like he cares about them or they need to feel protected, and if their bf doesnt hit back then they get all annoyed that he isnt masculine enough or that he simply doesn't care enough about them.
But as soon as they start fighting or getting involved somehow, they get pissed off at their immaturity and all the hassle it causes. Its hard to win! I have seen this with a few of my friends before.

Personally, I have had experience with both kinds of guys and I have to say I prefer the guy who doesnt get involved in fights over stupid things on a regular basis, it ruins the night for all involved. If something really bad was said to me or to my bf or it was an issue of self defence I wouldnt have a problem with him reacting to that.

However, my ex used to wade into arguments alot, sometimes just to try break things up other times to help his friends and it caused alot of hassle for me and him. It got to the stage where ,he seemed to always be the one running into the middle of things when everyone else could go out and have a great night.

OP you were right not to bother with such an immature idiot, and your gf does sound like she just wanted you to hit him for the sake of it. Sounds like her and her ex are alot alike.