When Harry met Sally Question!

LegacyUser

It's a stupid question but can men and women be only friends? I'm going out with my girlfriend a few years now and while we're not in the best shape at the moment we're doing ok.
She goes out with her work mates regularly a mix of both men and women and I've never had a problem with it. I've always been sure that we're strong with each other and would never be attracted to another.
But a new guy has started working with her - I say new, he's been working with her for around 3 months - and I can't shake an uneasy feeling that has developed in my head. When she heads out with her work mates she takes more photos of this guy than anyone else. She goes to the cinema with him, usually with a third person but not always. She invites him to things we have traditionally done as a couple, gigs, nights out etc. If she sees him when we're out she rings him and invites him over to us. They text each other regularly, I don't know how much I haven't stooped to checking her phone or anything that crazy! He also looks a lot like me!
I wouldn't be the jealous type and she has lots of male friends I have no problems with but I just have an uneasy feeling about the whole thing. Some friends of mine have mentioned it to me which doesn't help either...
I suppose what I'm trying to ask you is; is this normal? I'd like to think so just a good friend thing but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong here. We've been going through some tough times individually at the moment, I've lost my job and she's not happy in hers so maybe it's my insecurity from all that.
Thoughts and comments please I can't keep this in my head any longer!

IRISH RAIL

Whoh alarm bells going off on my screen here,

this kind of thread will always end up going two ways, first the its just a friend annd you are being jealous group then the you have to catch her out group. personally Im with the second group and over the past few months when things like this come up it hasnt been good as the oh has been having an affair, I would discreetly check her phone and after that have a chat because the first sign you suspect anything all evidence will be deleted etc.

But and this is most important IF YOU GO LOOKING BE PREPARED FOR WHAT YOU MIGHT FIND

Fat Pie Lot

Two things to address here...

Men and women can be just mates, yes. Some of my closest friends are females. Most of them, I'd say are 100% platonic. Some are not or weren't. Some are past dates or past crushes, but I'd be hard pushed to think of them as anything other than mates now.

Secondly, you might have to sit down and chat to your gf about this. I wouldn't recommend going through her phone and not just because you might find something that you don't like, but because you're breaching her trust based on an odd feeling. Trust, as you're no doubt aware, is a HUGE part of a relationship.

Wagon

No. If you break up and still have feelings for her, or her you, possibility of friendship goes out the window. Only if there's no attraction, is a friendship possible.

Secondly, there's no easy way to say this but there is nothing you can actively do to without her looking at you in a negative light. Check her phone, and your being possessive and untrustworthy. Ask her outright, and your being paranoid and jealous. Try and keep her from going out (which wouldn't be fair) and your being possessive (of course)

Let it take it's course. It might just be a genuine friendship that they have and there's no harm in that whatsoever.

wasper

ConfusedFool wrote: »

It's a stupid question but can men and women be only friends? I'm going out with my girlfriend a few years now and while we're not in the best shape at the moment we're doing ok.
She goes out with her work mates regularly a mix of both men and women and I've never had a problem with it. I've always been sure that we're strong with each other and would never be attracted to another.
But a new guy has started working with her - I say new, he's been working with her for around 3 months - and I can't shake an uneasy feeling that has developed in my head. When she heads out with her work mates she takes more photos of this guy than anyone else. She goes to the cinema with him, usually with a third person but not always. She invites him to things we have traditionally done as a couple, gigs, nights out etc. If she sees him when we're out she rings him and invites him over to us. They text each other regularly, I don't know how much I haven't stooped to checking her phone or anything that crazy! He also looks a lot like me!
I wouldn't be the jealous type and she has lots of male friends I have no problems with but I just have an uneasy feeling about the whole thing. Some friends of mine have mentioned it to me which doesn't help either...
I suppose what I'm trying to ask you is; is this normal? I'd like to think so just a good friend thing but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong here. We've been going through some tough times individually at the moment, I've lost my job and she's not happy in hers so maybe it's my insecurity from all that.
Thoughts and comments please I can't keep this in my head any longer!

Tell her that your are uncomfortable with her meeting the new guy outside work. Mention that you had no problem before, but this time you can't help feeling jealous. IMHO a non jealous guy is a dead guy. I think if she loves you she will appreciate your worry & will find it a turn on.

MagicMarker

I wouldn't really worry... If she sees him on a night out with you and invites him over to hang out then it's not like she's trying to hide anything.

She obviously just really gets on with him. Doesn't mean she wants to pork him, women don't really think like that you know, only us men.

wasper

women don't really think like that you know, only us men.[/QUOTE]

Really what planet are you living on?

MagicMarker

Planet Earth, come join me.

wasper

MagicMarker wrote: »

Planet Earth, come join me.

No thanks, you look like you have just returned from that Ryanair flight. Too much oxygen.
Women can be calculating, manipulative & devious. They are human beings. Don't make them simple creatures.

MagicMarker

Women can also be loyal, loving, caring, supportive, respectful, honest and a good cook.

Oh, they can also be good friends with a guy without wanted to sleep with him. Crazy i know!

Anyway, that's enough off topic banter from me.

rainbow kirby

Oh, they can also be good friends with a guy without wanted to sleep with him. Crazy i know!

Difficult as it is to understand, this is true. My 4 closest friends are all guys.

Karen_*

I can understand your concerns but this guy knows you're going out with her and its not therefore like she's fallen madly in love and he's now her boyfriend. You and him have met. So I don't think there's anything going on at the moment but something could very well develop. And if you're getting an uneasy feeling about it then I would trust your instincts. They are there to protect and warn us. Gut feeling is not paranoia or insecurity.

Bodhidharma

All seems odd to me. First off she's going to the cinema with him? Whats that about? Guys do not go to the cinema with girls they are friends with, especially a girl who has a boyfriend. Secondly i dont think a guy who is suspicious of another guy's intentions is being jealous. It's being cautious. Why does she keep inviting him to things? The whole thing is strange. I wouldn't go through her texts, but keep an eye on the other guy. If your gut feeling isn't right, then maybe there's a reason for it.

As far as can guys be friends with girls, i think not. It's possible but i dont know any guy who is that close to any girl he doesn't secretly fancy. Girls tend to be naive about guys intentions anyway so i wouldn't blame her. It sounds to me like the guy is playing the waiting game and hoping something happens.

Andrew H

Id explain to her that the traditional things you have done in the past together you would rather keep doing as a couple and would prefer if her new friend does not come along as this is your time together.

Why not tell her that you would prefer if she dident go to the cinema/meet up with the new friend on her own as you feel uncomfortable with the situation, maybe when you get to know him better your feelings will change.

But id leave it up to her if she wants to keep meeting him after all you dont control/own her.

sinnerboy

OP . This is bad . Affair under your nose ..... Sorry

gloobag

Guys and girls are never 100% "just friends"! I have plenty of girl "friends", but if truth be told, if I was single and any of them offered it up to me on a plate, I'd probably take it. If any guy says he wouldn't, he's either a bare faced liar or a homosexual.

OP, I was in a very similar situation a few years ago, and the guy in question wasted no time in trying it on with my then girlfriend at the first sign of trouble between us.

While I believe that your girlfriend probably only sees him as a "friend", the chances of him feeling the same about her are very slim. He wants her, and he's obviously willing to wait it out and chip away at her over time. What he is doing is actually very disrespectful to you. Guys don't go to the cinema alone with another guys girlfriend, it's just not on. I'd be having serious words with the both of em.

MagicMarker

I went to the cinema with a girl a few weeks ago, just the two of us, her husband was at home, we even went for a walk together in a thunderstorm afterwards, all completely platonic.

It does happen.

Wibbs

gloobag wrote: »

Guys and girls are never 100% "just friends"! I have plenty of girl "friends", but if truth be told, if I was single and any of them offered it up to me on a plate, I'd probably take it. If any guy says he wouldn't, he's either a bare faced liar or a homosexual.

I don't agree. I would agree it's rare enough, but I've three close female friends that I know for a long time and nothing has ever happened, would never happen and I simply just don't look at them in that way(nor they me).

While I believe that your girlfriend probably only sees him as a "friend", the chances of him feeling the same about her are very slim. He wants her, and he's obviously willing to wait it out and chip away at her over time. What he is doing is actually very disrespectful to you. Guys don't go to the cinema alone with another guys girlfriend, it's just not on. I'd be having serious words with the both of em.

This I agree with. As I say I've close women mates, but I wouldn't be bringing them to the flicks in that context. I have done stuff like that with them but their boyfriends knew me well enough to know what was what.

I would be suspicious too of his motives. At three years into a relationship, that for many long term couples is the transition from the honeymoon period into something more very long term. The actual time varies with couples. It can be a year or two or three. Rarely less or more. A time where things can be up in the air, particularly if you're not "in great shape" at the moment. Heads can all too easily be swayed at times like that. I would say that transition is the usual time people split and I would say in the majority of cases it's the woman doing the walking too. Usually because someone new has come on the scene.

Now it could well be innocent, but you would be naive to put all your eggs i that particular basket. Her focus from what you say is more on him than others in her workplace. Him looking similar(her "type") the gigs, texts, meals and cinema trips are also a red flag to me.

I would suspect that she herself knows this and is currently trying to work out her own feelings(even subconsciously). If he does make inroads, by being easy going, supportive and not sexually pushy, she may see the novelty as an attractive thing. Cue her telling you, she "doesn't know where this is going", she's "confused", "we may need a break" etc.

If it was me, I would not confront this directly. If you do, you could walk her straight into his arms, especially if he's playing it cool. If you see a future with this woman, then work on that. Work on the things that are out of whack. Remember the way you were when she first met you and try to get some of that fun back.

the glass woman

MagicMarker wrote: »

women don't really think like that you know, only us men.

Exactly. I used to have a friendship like that with a guy, we were very close, and in the end he got all funny and during some unrelated arguments i asked him to meet up face to face to resolve it, but he turned around and told me he'd never be in a position where he'd be alone with me again! Turned out he thought i fancied him or something, or was looking for a 'second husband' i mean wtf?! So its easy for people to get their wires crossed in friendships like this. I'd advise sitting down with your gf and explaining how you feel about her friendship with this guy, and you'll know soon enough if she respects your feelings enough to spend a little less time with him. I wouldn't advise checking her phone as text messages can be misinterpreted SO easily..

Skinfull

Bodhidharma wrote: »

All seems odd to me. First off she's going to the cinema with him? Whats that about? Guys do not go to the cinema with girls they are friends with, especially a girl who has a boyfriend. Secondly i dont think a guy who is suspicious of another guy's intentions is being jealous. It's being cautious. Why does she keep inviting him to things? The whole thing is strange. I wouldn't go through her texts, but keep an eye on the other guy. If your gut feeling isn't right, then maybe there's a reason for it.

As far as can guys be friends with girls, i think not. It's possible but i dont know any guy who is that close to any girl he doesn't secretly fancy. Girls tend to be naive about guys intentions anyway so i wouldn't blame her. It sounds to me like the guy is playing the waiting game and hoping something happens.

Yeah they do. 90% of my mates are guys and I go to the flicks / gigs / drinking / hang out at their place all the time. Sometimes the bf comes sometimes he doesn't (fnarr)

Just ask her what's what and take the flack for sounding jealous then get over it.

missyb

I dont know if your girlfriend is having an affair, you can be friends and only friends with the opposite sex, I do think that she is being very inconsiderate.I think it is important to always take your other half into account first and foremost when you have friends of the opposite sex as wires can sometimes get crossed.There is absolutely no reason you cant hang out with the 2 of them if they are going to the cinema, your her boyfriend after all. You should talk to her and tell her your feeling a bit left out, I would understand and try to include my boyfriend if that was the case. I also think if your in a relationship and a friend suddenly gets overly flirty and amourous or gets any "ideas" you absolutely have to nip it in the bud immediately for your partners sake, Ive seen some people go on massive ego trips because a mate had a thing for them without considering their partners. Basically your girlfriend can have a male mate but it needs to be very obvious that you and your feelings come first over this guys, if not then I would be worried. You dont seem to mind her other male mates so maybe you are right to have some concerns with this one, maybe its not your girl friend your worried about but that guys "intentions", again if his intentions are not the best then your girl friend better address that fast, she will if she values the relationship.

Petrolium Hat

I can see where you're coming from OP, you need to ask yourself a couple of really important questions:

1. Do you trust your girlfriend?
2. If this guy was a girl would you have a problem?
3. Do you feel you are spending enough time togther as a couple?


Somewhere in answering your questions you'll probably clear your mind a bit. If there problem is number 3 then you should talk it over with your partner.

BTW I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have close friends of the opposite sex that they know are 100 per cent platonic. I've gone some old and not so old friends that I would nearly consider relations. They often give a different perspective on a sitation that a male friend wouldn't give in a million years. It's nearly like arguing that a gay guy can't be friends with a hetro guy without having feelings, such immature nonsense.

K-9

ConfusedFool wrote: »

It's a stupid question but can men and women be only friends? I'm going out with my girlfriend a few years now and while we're not in the best shape at the moment we're doing ok.
She goes out with her work mates regularly a mix of both men and women and I've never had a problem with it. I've always been sure that we're strong with each other and would never be attracted to another.
But a new guy has started working with her - I say new, he's been working with her for around 3 months - and I can't shake an uneasy feeling that has developed in my head. When she heads out with her work mates she takes more photos of this guy than anyone else. She goes to the cinema with him, usually with a third person but not always. She invites him to things we have traditionally done as a couple, gigs, nights out etc. If she sees him when we're out she rings him and invites him over to us. They text each other regularly, I don't know how much I haven't stooped to checking her phone or anything that crazy! He also looks a lot like me!
I wouldn't be the jealous type and she has lots of male friends I have no problems with but I just have an uneasy feeling about the whole thing. Some friends of mine have mentioned it to me which doesn't help either...
I suppose what I'm trying to ask you is; is this normal? I'd like to think so just a good friend thing but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong here. We've been going through some tough times individually at the moment, I've lost my job and she's not happy in hers so maybe it's my insecurity from all that.
Thoughts and comments please I can't keep this in my head any longer!

Losing your job has left you insecure and you have too much time to think about this!

There doesn't seem to be anything to serious in what they are doing, but I'd be worried about him going to the things that you would usually do as a couple. You need to have a word with her about that.

She should be able to see that herself.

LegacyUser

Bodhidharma wrote: »

All seems odd to me. First off she's going to the cinema with him? Whats that about? Guys do not go to the cinema with girls they are friends with, especially a girl who has a boyfriend. Secondly i dont think a guy who is suspicious of another guy's intentions is being jealous. It's being cautious. Why does she keep inviting him to things? The whole thing is strange. I wouldn't go through her texts, but keep an eye on the other guy. If your gut feeling isn't right, then maybe there's a reason for it.

As far as can guys be friends with girls, i think not. It's possible but i dont know any guy who is that close to any girl he doesn't secretly fancy. Girls tend to be naive about guys intentions anyway so i wouldn't blame her. It sounds to me like the guy is playing the waiting game and hoping something happens.

um, if they secretly fancy them, how do you know, or is your cynicism getting in the way of actually believing that they might be, just friends


that said in this case, yeah the guy might fancy her, question is, do you trust her?

jack87

ahh for jaysus sake man,shes bringin him on dates...cinema.....out clubbin

im sorry to say this but,shes replaced you ,ya have to talk to her,like i have loads of close friends that are female,and even my best friend is a girl,and i wouldnt go to the ciema with her on my own when she is with someone..

Burial

If this was me, I'd be very worried. I mean nights out calling him to come over ALL the time, going to the cinema with him, texting him... I'm sorry OP, but she's preparing for the break-up with you. (Happened to me ) Telling her she can't see him, will make her want him more, and not saying anything will make her break-up with you. So it's a lose-lose situation. I know people are going to say "no, wtf are you on about Burial?" but this is my personal experience with women. I wouldn't let this happen. I don't mind my GFs having male friends, but thats what I want them to be. Male friends. They don't go on dates with only one other male friend without me there. Period. I'm not being possesive, but that's life. She can go on a one male friend date if they've been friends for years and years... Someone she met 3 months ago, shouldn't be getting that much attention. You need to sort out this situation soon, or else you'll lose her.

Quick question, has she been like this before? Like does she do this with other male friends or just him? Anyway, my recommendation is to ask to come on a cinema thing when she's going with that guy. See how they get on, and after the cinema, if they get on REALLY well, tell her, I'm scared I might lose you... If they don't get on as well as you do with her then your fine. (You being at the cinema will tell the guy, we're a couple and proud of it. He might back down from thinking he can win your GF.)

Mikel

MagicMarker wrote: »

I went to the cinema with a girl a few weeks ago, just the two of us, her husband was at home, we even went for a walk together in a thunderstorm afterwards, all completely platonic.

It does happen.

Yeah but are you attracted to her?
I subscribe to the view that men cannot be 'just friends' with women they fancy, it's always there in the back oh their mind.
Would any man in that situation turn down sex with their female friend for the sake of their friendship? Unlikely.

nomorebadtown

Bodhidharma wrote: »

First off she's going to the cinema with him? Whats that about? Guys do not go to the cinema with girls they are friends with, especially a girl who has a boyfriend.

i'd have to agree there. And doing stuff/going places with him that the two of you traditionally did as a couple is completely out of order. I would be seriously hurt and pissed off if my gf did this and no, i'm not a crazy jealous type. For me this is a real lack or respect and consideration for you from your gf, personally i wouldn't stand for it. By all means go out with friends but she crossed the line a long time ago, even if its totally innocent its just not appropriate behaviour for someone in a prper relationship. tell her to sort it out.