Sex with my Ex - Help!!

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

I'm in a situation at the moment that I'm not very happy with and I already know what I should do but
maybe some outside views will push me to do it.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years two years ago. We were madly in love, lived together but it didn't
work out. Towards the end we were fighting all the time, had money worries, had lost friends through spending
so much time together and life was not good.

Que messy break up, heart break, betrayal, him getting with a girl in our group of friends, devastation etc. We didn't
speak for almost a year. Over the past few months we've become friendly again. He found me on Facebook and added
me as a friend. We have been emailing, meeting up for coffee and pints etc. We became friends again and it's lovely
having him back in my life. I've told him about the guys I've been with since we split (few one night stands and one
3 month relationship) and he's told me about his (nothing much, just one night stands). It was hard to hear but I guess
we've both moved on so much it didn't hurt that much.

Over the past few weeks we've started sleeping together. Guess it doesn't take Derren Browne to see that was gonna happen!!
It feels good but I'm very wary of getting hurt again. Part of me wants to tell him not to contact me again as there's no point.
Part of me feels that he's using me and I'm an easy option for him. He hates one night stands even though he's had a few and I'm
worried that he's with me cause it's a safer alternative. I don't think I want him back so I don't want to confront him with these
fears as he would ask me what I want and the truth is I don't know.

I just don't see how this can keep going as it is. On one hand though I'm thinking I have the best of both worlds. I have regular sex
with a guy I know and love (not in love with anymore but do love him) and I can still be with other people, no questions asked. On the
otherhand I think I deserve more than that and I know if I met a great guy tomorrow I'd end this. I'm sure he would do if he met a new
girl. Although I feel 90% over him, I still don't like the thought of him being with someone else. I feel jealous but I've no right to say
anything.

We haven't talked about where we're going. He hasn't brought it up, not sure why and I haven't out of fear of what he'll say.

Sorry for rambling, any thoughts or advice greatly appreciated guys.

Thanks.

Beruthiel

You already know the answer.
You're not getting back with him.
You would still appear to have feelings for him yet you are shagging him. That's handy for both of ye.
But without a doubt you are going to get hurt again if you continue this.
You should never have gotten back in touch with him. Cut all contact.

bannerbabe

Beruthiel wrote: »

You already know the answer.
You're not getting back with him.
You would still appear to have feelings for him yet you are shagging him. That's handy for both of ye.
But without a doubt you are going to get hurt again if you continue this.
You should never have gotten back in touch with him. Cut all contact.

I agree, move on,

Karen_*

You sound like you're in love with him. If it was just loving him as a friend then you wouldn't be posting or going into such detail. You know you're going to get hurt and you badly want someone to tell you you won't. But we can't do that.

If someone else posted what you just did and you read it then what would you say to them.

You'll meet other people in your life. You'll have other friends. Please break the contact here. You owe it to yourself to move on with your life and you've spent far too long in tought over this guy. You won't be back together so what's the point of this? Its only holding you back and you know that.

Take a bit of hurt now and save yourself alot later.

And OP, you won't be meeting any great guys until you get him out of your life because you won't even notice they're there. But they are.

Wibbs

I agree with Karen on this one. I think you're nowhere near 90% over him. You say you love him and you also like shagging him. Well that's pretty close to being "in love" especially after the guts of 6 years knowing each other. I've got women mates and even exes that I would be in contact with the odd time and a) I'm not sleeping with them and b) I don't have to think about what kind of friendship/relationship it is.

Ask yourself this; why wouldn't you go back to him and he to you? If the money problems etc are not there anymore, there wasn't abuse beyond the usual breakup heartbreak and both of you have moved on in your lives who is to say that you wouldnt get something out of a second run at this?

Karen_*

OP I have an ex that I'm friends with. I was nuts about him years ago and I still see him regularly. If he was the last man alive I wouldn't have sex with him and I love him as a friend. No feelings, no attraction but just genuine friendship. Incidentally we drifted apart in the relationship and no one got hurt. That seems to be the only way you can ever be friends with an ex. and you should only be friends with an ex when you have no interest in them sexually and do not mind how many women they are with.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree with Karen on this one. I think you're nowhere near 90% over him. You say you love him and you also like shagging him. Well that's pretty close to being "in love" especially after the guts of 6 years knowing each other. I've got women mates and even exes that I would be in contact with the odd time and a) I'm not sleeping with them and b) I don't have to think about what kind of friendship/relationship it is.

Ask yourself this; why wouldn't you go back to him and he to you? If the money problems etc are not there anymore, there wasn't abuse beyond the usual breakup heartbreak and both of you have moved on in your lives who is to say that you wouldnt get something out of a second run at this?

Well, money problems have changed and we are both financially stable now. We both also have
loads of friends now and are happy in our individual lives. I think I'm just scared to bring it up. I
was actually gonna email him this afternoon and ask him what he wants. I hinted at it before and he
said I expect nothing from you and don't want to pressure you, lets just see what happens. He has
also told me that while he loves me, he still partly hates me for things I did when we broke up. I slept
with a chef in a restaurant we used to always go to. It was a one night stand and none of his business
as far as I was concerned cause we were broken up at the time. He was with a friend of mine but doesn't
see how that's hypocritical! I'm 28 years old and he's almost 30 so we're old enough to be able to have
a straight up conversation.

Do you think I should ask him or walk away? I find it hard cause he says he loves me but there's no commitment.
He doesn't even ask if I'm with people over the weekend. I was away on a girls holiday and all he asked was, did
I have fun. Reason I say that is, I would care if he was with other people. He can't possibly be happy with this at the moment though, can he?

mikewest

I'm having a little trouble reading this? Are you back together with him or not ? or are you getting back together with him ? From my reading of this you still like him, he likes you, you are both scared of the hurt from last time round but you still want to shag each other and you want strangers to say what to do. Well I for one don't know, but why not suck it and see for a while and if its not working make the final split because it sounds like you don't really want to do that right now.

meditraitor

Go for it;)

You obviously want this to work so just give it a try.... No harm really. In the end if he doesnt want anything to come of it you will loose him as a mate anyway (this was always going to happen if you both dont want the same thing).



Good luck:pac:

citeal

ok, i'm going to go against the majority here & say give it a shot.

Unless i'm mistaken you got together when you were 22 & he was 24? There's a world of difference between a girl's level of maturity at 22 and 28. You clearly care about each other a lot, are attracted to each other, know each other extremely well, have never fully moved away from each other.

By the sounds of things, he was a bit more hurt (the sleeping with the chef fiasco) so tread carefully.

Friends of mine are back together the last two years after a similar break / age gap and that's working out great.

You might find you just need to take care with each other a little more.

The only word of caution I will leave you with is that you'll have to forgive each other for past mistakes & focus on the future. If you can't do that (and be honest about whether you can or can't), there's no hope for moving forward.



Best of luck.

CDfm

its up to you.

but if it feels right I would go with it