left on the shelf

bannerbabe

Hey guys.....
I'm not by any means a negative person, but im beginning 2 think maybe i mite just be left on the shelf and its sad really

See I was in a relationship for 6 yrs a ****ty relationship where it drags out and I spose outta habit I was with him more so than anything, also didnt help he cheated and made me feel like I wasnt worthy of being with him and every time we broke up (his fault for cheating) he would move on whereas i'd take my time get over it and maybe a few mths down the line meet someone else.. anyhoo he always bombarded me wit phonecalls, arriving at my door with threatening behaviour etc til i took him bak...

So anyway enuf was enuf for me when my dad died and he might as well have been a stranger 2 me at the funeral, no support, no hugs nothing, that was it for me... my attitude at the time: disrespect me but do not disrespect my family.:mad:.. (haha sounds like the mafia) anyway
so I went to oz for a yr LOVED IT and I mean loved it just the freedom 2 do what I want, I dont mean in a sleezy way but just the way he wasnt around every corner I turned, anyway bottom line im home now and altho I loved being away im wondering was it a mistake as all my friends are now married, preggers (and im delighted for them) but cant help feeling a tiny bit scared that maybe because I wasted so much time on a relationship that i should have pulled d plug on yrs before that maybe ive left it too late....

RedXIV

You dead yet? no? so loads of time

Life is what you make it, you start recording milestones of age with supposed goals you intended on reaching, you're not gonna be happy. You have years, years, and even more years left in you and all it takes is a day to change your life. not even, an hour can do it.

Never give up on life when something that takes mere minutes could be the thing that changes yours forever

_blank_

How old are you?

You are only on a shelf if you put yourself on it.

For example, I met my gf when she was 32.

bannerbabe

28.......:eek:

_blank_

bannerbabe wrote: »

28.......:eek:

28 is plenty young.

You have more than enough time to meet someone.

You are certainly not on any shelf.

Now stop thinking like that. It's not good for you.

bannerbabe

im certainly gettin my ass kicked here anyway :rolleyes:

_blank_

bannerbabe wrote: »

im certainly gettin my ass kicked here anyway :rolleyes:

Hang on a minute, what do you want people to say?

Yes, at twenty-eight there is no hope left for you, what the hell are you doing even posting on the internet you sad old spinster, Get yourself about forty cats, they are your only hope of company now. You are doomed.

As I said above, the only shelf you are on is the one you have built for yourself. If you believe you are on a shelf, then you will be.

Jump down off it, get yourself out there and meet people. The only person who can do that is yourself, nobody else can do it for you.

And now for the cliché. Jioin a club or do a night course in something that interests you. You'll meet people with at least the same interests as you, and possibly find a way off that shelf of yours.

As I said above, I met my gf when she was 32. Do you think she was on a shelf?

RedXIV

bannerbabe wrote: »

im certainly gettin my ass kicked here anyway :rolleyes:

keeps ya distracted from staying miserable

*pulls on ass kicking boots*

Wibbs

28 is nothing. It really isn't. I know women in their 50's that have finally found a deep meaningful love. You have a loooong way to go yet.

Karen_*

Well you might be left on the shelf and then you might not be. Who knows? But you're young. 28 is by no means old.

Choose a nicer boyfriend the next time though. Because being 'left on the shelf' would be better than being with the charming man you were with before!

Little Miss Cutie

I think you are being very hard on yourself. I met my BF when he was 28, I never once thought he was left on sehlf. Lots of people meet there OH at your age, as they are finished the travel and college phase and ready to start a proper relationship. I would stongly suggest try a new activity where you will meet new people or try online dating site, even if you don't meet the "one" through these items it will be good for your self esteem to meet new people.:)

Oniontops

Try internet dating. And you are sooooooooooo young yet so don't worry! Choice between living life to max when you can or leaving it until the kids are reared and have flown the nest...I know whcih option most people would choose!!! Most of my friends are single of that age. It's normal nowadays. It is not unusual to get the jitters though. We all go through those. Don't fret just get out there and enjoy yourself! :-)

Dudess

bannerbabe wrote: »

28.......:eek:

What makes you go :eek: about being 28? It's 28, not 48. It's a great age and a great time to meet someone.

bannerbabe wrote: »

im certainly gettin my ass kicked here anyway :rolleyes:

Huh??!! You got some great encouraging advice and you view that as getting your ass kicked?

And maybe you should stop comparing yourself with your friends? I know you can't help feeling left out but their lives are not for you to follow. Seeing as you had a fantastic time in Australia, why regret it?

Are you from a rural community where the notion of being 28 and single = being left on the shelf exists?

bannerbabe

cheers guys, I guess I just needed to hear that other people feel like this whereas a lot of my friends are at the settling down stage and I feel a tiny bit like left behind I guess, I just needed to hear that some other people felt like this too, rather than the usual answer I get from people:D ur fine, ur young, bla bla bla......

its just nice to hear that im not the only one wit the jitters

Craft25

everythings gona be allright, everythings gonna be allright, no woman no cry!! (or in your case man )... theres a reason its a classic, cos its true!!

you'll be grand, but if all your friends are married and stayin in you will have to keep seeking activities to stay out there and not stew, sos u dont get stuck in a rut.. friends in same boat, sports, further education, more travel, whatever floats your boat

BenjAii

28 is plenty of time.

What you need to do is forget about that loser, under NO circumstances take him back. Think about the feeling of freedom and happiness you had abroad, there is no reason you cannot recreate that frame of mind here.

The universe is what you make it. Constantly being down on yourself, is only going to make everything seem negative and attract more of the negative into your life.

Start looking at possibilities as you did abroad and do whatever it takes to make you feel happy and positive and the rest will follow.

Marksie

Dudess wrote: »

It's 28, not 48.

and whats wrong with 48?

or 58, 68, 78?

life changes and gets richer the older you get...or should

The only block is yourself.

TBH i have said it before, the only shelf you should be left on, is the one that has the urn with your ashes.

The more you look back the more you will miss living in the now and you will in the end miss out on so much.

bannerbabe

Dudess wrote: »

What makes you go :eek: about being 28? It's 28, not 48. It's a great age and a great time to meet someone.

Huh??!! You got some great encouraging advice and you view that as getting your ass kicked?

And maybe you should stop comparing yourself with your friends? I know you can't help feeling left out but their lives are not for you to follow. Seeing as you had a fantastic time in Australia, why regret it?

Are you from a rural community where the notion of being 28 and single = being left on the shelf exists?

BenjAii wrote: »

28 is plenty of time.

What you need to do is forget about that loser, under NO circumstances take him back. Think about the feeling of freedom and happiness you had abroad, there is no reason you cannot recreate that frame of mind here.

The universe is what you make it. Constantly being down on yourself, is only going to make everything seem negative and attract more of the negative into your life.

Start looking at possibilities as you did abroad and do whatever it takes to make you feel happy and positive and the rest will follow.

Oh God
THERE IS NO HOPE IN HELL ID EVEN CONTEMPLATE GOING BAK WIT HIM - EVER
thats in the past im well over it, its just there is this niggling thing.. so I spose its all down to confidence, he destroyed mine, i mean telling me that no one else would want to be wit me, not to go out wit him etc. look i dont even want to get into it cos like I said its in the past, im out of the relationship and recently told him that he is not part of my life anymore and that I have nothing 2 say 2 him. however and this topic was meant to be light hearted i do feel like if I had found a nice guy then maybe id be the one tellin a poster on here 2 cop on and relax and enjoy life which is easily said when u have someone....

loulou79

OP you are way too young to be considered to be on the shelf.
I am 28... and the same as you all my friends are starting to settle down and have their families.

I can see in the glint in their eyes that they are sickened that I can still up and go where I want when I want without the obligatory "PASS" being issued by the OH

Live it up and their will be plenty of time to settle down when the time is right for you

Marksie

bannerbabe wrote: »

Oh God
i do feel like if I had found a nice guy then maybe id be the one tellin a poster on here 2 cop on and relax and enjoy life which is easily said when u have someone....

THIS is one of the biggest misconceptions that we have in society. Perpetuated by Hallmark, hollywood, Mills and Boon and womens glossy magazines.

That someone else is responsible for your own ultimate happiness.

I will let you into a big secret: no one else is, you are.

Thinking like this leads to consumerist ideas of relationships, that you give something in order to receive something. A very narrow view, but all too common.

There is in fact only one person to fall in love with, yourself. When you are balanced and aware then the neediness for relationships disappear.

Its then strangely enough that everything happens: When you can give, both love and of yourself without expectations, enjoying the moment. Then you move beyond the western ideal. It isn't easy as you ahve been conditioned/brainwashed from an early age.
Nothing is a barrier, age least of all.

Tuesday_Girl

I'm 37 and single and having a great time. I have the freedom and the money to do what I want when I want and I'm loving it.

Maybe my life would have been different if I had made different decisions, maybe I will meet someone, maybe I won't, maybe I'll have a family, maybe I won't. No-one knows what might have been and I don't waste time pondering on it. I'm happy with my life, I have a positive outlook, I meet loads of new people all the time and that's good enough for me.

The shelf mentality doesn't even exist anymore, unless you believe yourself that it does.

Dudess

Marksie wrote: »

and whats wrong with 48?

It would be a lot easier to meet someone at 28 than at 48 though, as the latter age group is more settled.

LegacyUser

I thought it was game over for me after a 16 year relationship ended . I was pretty low then I can tell you . ( I was 33 then - 11 years ago ) . Today - 9 years years into BIG RELATIONSHIP no 2 ( not that I'm counting them , as such - not anticipating BR no 3 !!" ;-) )

5 kids - full life . Knackered . Stressed . Happy.

DONT WORRY

Silverfish

Marksie wrote: »

and whats wrong with 48?

or 58, 68, 78?

.

Maybe she wants to have kids? That would be the difference between 28 and 48, 58, 68 and 78 - for females, its bit different.


OP, I wouldn't worry, 28, sure you're only a young one

I'm 31 and I haven't started panicking yet, and don't think I will.

I think I had a bit of a panic when I was 28/29, cos facing 30 was a bit scary. Once I got past my birthday, I realised I was being a bit stupid.

Marksie

Silverfish wrote: »

Maybe she wants to have kids? That would be the difference between 28 and 48, 58, 68 and 78 - for females, its bit different.

Point taken on the biological score
But my point being, life is what you make of it at any age. If you feel left out you will act left out.

It is still enitrely possible to be "settled" in your forties and experiencing everything, but once again the settled is not necessarily with someone else, its with your self.
whats the quote "its not the years, its the mileage"

seahorse

OP, I'm thirty-two and have a long-term partner and a child. I was sitting at my kitchen table sharing a bottle of wine with my sister (twenty-nine) a while back and we got talking about all the things we have going on in our lives. She (to my great surprise) divulged that she was envious of the fact that I have a partner and a child. The reason for my surprise was this: I'd been feeling a bit envious of her happy-go-lucky single carefree life, which she can live in any country in the world if she so chooses (and she does; she fecks off whenever and wherever the mood takes her, the wagon! lol)

Even within Ireland, I'd been thinking it'd be nice not to be tied to a location because of the necessity for stability in a child’s life. I'm a kind of free-spirited person and would wander all over the place given half the chance, but I don’t have half a chance, or any kind of chance, because when you're rearing a child and in a committed relationship your own whims can scarcely ever take priority.

Anyway, I was there with my jaw dropping while she went on and on till eventually I butt in and took my turn to go on and on while her jaw dropped; and what we figured out before we hit the end of the bottle is that there's always something attractive about life on the other side of the fence. The moral of the story being, I guess, that you should enjoy the perks of your current lifestyle as long as you're living it because as soon as you're living the opposite lifestyle, even though you’ll benefit from a different set of advantages, you won’t be able to enjoy these current perks anymore!

Sarn

A lot of my female friends are in their late 20s, early 30s and are having a great time being single. Yes, there are also a lot of them getting married as well but that's the way of it. The shelf is of your own making.

Think positive, guys can sense these things (most of the time.... ok some of the time). If you start thinking you're left on the shelf, over the hill, put out to pasture etc. you'll bring yourself down. Desperation or despondency are not good first impressions.

Curlypinkie

28, that's a great age! You just have to realise you can pick and choose whatever you want when you're single.
I'm 29, yes I want to meet my OH eventually, but until then I'm going to have a great time and enjoy my own and my friends' company!

Liam Byrne

Dudess wrote: »

It would be a lot easier to meet someone at 28 than at 48 though, as the latter age group is more settled.

Some validity to that statement, but it depends on what you mean by "settled"......a lot of 25 - 29 year olds seem to be VERY fickle and jump from one thing to the next very easily....

I'm not saying that anyone should stay in something that they're not happy in, but at 28 there's an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality - even if they're "with" someone, if they're away for the weekend on their own/with the girls then anything goes....

So while "settled" can be a dirty word if you're at an age where you want to have some fun with the person you're with, partially settled or less fickle/flighty can be a good thing.

And OP - if 28 is on the shelf, then you'd probably think I'm in the attic @ 37, but since I haven't found someone that I'd settle down with (some very nice/sound girls along the way, but no "the one" or whatever) then single is the way I'm meant to be at the mo. Simple as that.

jos28

Life 'on the shelf' can be great fun, especially if you get taken down off the the shelf for a good dusting every now and again.:D

G86

I had a friend like you OP. Shes 28 too, and she just got so stressed about finding the 'right' guy that she missed all the fun that can be had finding him

28 isn't old at all, and whats wrong with being single for a while? I understand your confidence is low at the moment, but you know what you have to do? - get a few friends over, put on your glad rags, doll yourself up to the nines and have a brilliant night out! Enjoy the excitement of walking into a room full of strangers and knowing you might just click with one of them, and enjoy the feeling you get when you realise that you have the option now:)

Karen_*

bannerbabe wrote: »

Oh God
THERE IS NO HOPE IN HELL ID EVEN CONTEMPLATE GOING BAK WIT HIM - EVER
thats in the past im well over it, its just there is this niggling thing.. so I spose its all down to confidence, he destroyed mine, i mean telling me that no one else would want to be wit me

He only told you that so you wouldn't break up with him. And if he told you that you are a chair would that make you a chair ?

anniehoo

Ive a big mixed bunch of friends at the mo,some are married with kids, some are engaged, some have just split up from long term relationships and some are single and i can honestly say i wouldnt swap places with any of them. We've all been through the rigmarole(sp?) of dating,splitting up,on the hunt etc but that is life-end of! Its what its all about! Dont feel sorry for yourself if you feel everyone is (in your mind) off this imaginary shelf thay so called exists...its in your mind noone elses! If you feel like you're gettin a bit low and despairing, i could guarantee you that theres a million others who would trade places with you right now! Its the beauty of not knowing whats goin to happen tomorrow!! As another poster said, you're not dead yet, thats when you give up trying!

bannerbabe

Karen_* wrote: »

He only told you that so you wouldn't break up with him. And if he told you that you are a chair would that make you a chair ?

unless u are in an emotionally abusive relationship then please don't try and understand it..... i.e. the above remark :mad:

Marksie

Bannerbabe: have a little more respect for posters please.

Karen_* makes a valid point if you think about it. That, in the end, it was you believing what he said that allowed you to destroy your own sense of self worth.

Now before you snap at me, yes I was in an abusive realtionship.

Also have a look at why you felt the need to be so aggressive to another poster. There are issues remaining there I think

Karen_*

bannerbabe wrote: »

unless u are in an emotionally abusive relationship then please don't try and understand it..... i.e. the above remark :mad:

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship. By the end of it I couldn't even decide for myself what I wanted for breakfast. I was so used to being told. Thats just a small example of the mental abuse. Oh and I had to eat everything that was put in front of me and so did my three year old at the time son or else!! So I do know what its like. But I also know that just because that person told me lots of horrible things about myself and indeed went to my parents to tell them awful things that that didn't make those things true.

bannerbabe

Firstly I apologise for my remark i was just a bit defensive I spose because i knew what he said wasnt tru but at the time could see no way out of the relationship....by now I know what I want, what i deserve and will not be in a relationship like that again..

2ndly... fair play 2 u for gettin out of the relationship u were in... I didnt realise that u were in an emotionally abusive relationship as well

Karen_*

Well that was years ago and it was absolutely beyond beleif and I didn't really learn my lesson because I'm just out of another abusive relationship although they were two different levels of psycho:D But then again the thing about abuse is it creeps up so gradually that it almost feels normal.

Of course other people will want you. And that guy was coming from a position of weakness saying those things to you. After all if you weren't strong and attractive then he would have had no need to put you down. think of it like that. You're better than him. And don't be like me and go into another reltionship like that. Learn the value of yourself. You're a wonderful person and have loads to give. If you love yourself and refuse to beleive the negative things other people project onto you then you're life is going to be a whole lot happier and so are your relationships. And you are by no means on the shelf at 28. I'm 34 and don't consider myself to be. I consider myself lucky to be single and having survived abusive relationships instead of still being in them. Go me!:D

bannerbabe

yeah tru I never thought of it like that. :)i always kinda thought im lucky to be outta it but never actually thought of it as u said....

i guess it really is tru wats for you wont pass you:D

ce sara sara :P