Monday Quickies

rocky25

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer it!

~~~~~~~~~~
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said,

"You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom.

"Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom.

"Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, let's go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?

"Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies.

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

~~~~~~~~~

A husband said to his wife

"Get your coat on love; it's time to go to the pub."

She replied "But you NEVER take me out."

"I'm not," said the husband,

"But I'm turning the heating off before I go."

~~~~~~~~~~~
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,

''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,

''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,

''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

~~~~~~~~~~

When the good Lord was making the world,

he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.

"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man.

The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years.

The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years.

Like the others, 10 was more than enough.

Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life,

10 years of monkeying around,

10 years of lion 'bout it, and

10 years of making an ass out of himself.

Vic Vinegar

Some old, some new! (to me anyway!) funny though

Fauldy Banny

Old but gold