See my dead dad ??

xoxkellyxox

A couple of years ao ( i was 13 ) my dad overdosed and died ...
Thing is ..
My mum had walked out while he was recovering form his addiction :mad:
which caused him to. ya' know end it.
we then moved half an hour away in a car or on the bus.
I'd really like to go and visit him gravestone but my mum is doing evrything to NOT let me.
She'll drop me off at friends and tell thier parents not to let me go out..
Its like she controlling ym life because she didn't geton with someone.
I manged to get down there once on the bus after school.
i put down some flowers and put a smily face on the label and wrote i miss you x kelly xxx
the next day though when i was eating breakfast my mum had the flowers on the table and didn't tlak to me all morning then sent me to school.
WTF... is going on.
help!!

not yet

Jesus christ thats so sad, Have you tried contacting your dad's family.....

Try not to get into with your mam, maybe try a counsellor in school to chat to.


p.s your dad's grave will always be there to visit.

dade

your mom may feel some guilt about how things ended with your father. and by you visiting teh grave it furthers her guilt

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. Are you in touch with your Dad's family at all? Maybe they can speak to your Mum and help her understand that you need to grieve too. Have you brothers and sisters?Do they share your desire to visit his grave?

RedXIV

ok OP, when you say that you were 13 a couple of years ago, i'll assume your now 15 or 16 right? when you hit 18 you are officially your own person and you can do as you like. And at that stage you will visit it whenever you like.

However if your mother was able to take flowers off the grave the very next day, i'd assume that means she's checking on the grave. This sounds like she has unresolved feelings herself. maybe confronting her about this may give you a better insight into why she wishs to hide you from this memorial of your father? keep fighting lass, this battle can only be lost if you give up.

Red

von Neumann

Hi OP,
It's good to see you want to remember your dad, for better or worse he is a big part of your life.

Your mother is doing here best to deal with her own grief/anger/remorse...,
This must be a very difficult time for her.

She still loves you and probable thinks that stopping you going to the grave is the best thing for you.

Her judgement is cloulded by all the other emotions, after all your both human after all.

I know this is hard to hear, but I would not push it, with regards to visiting your dad's grave.

You can remember your dad in lots of other ways. even just by thinking of him you are remembering him.

Try and find someone to talk to about all this.....easier said than done.....a concellor is proabablely a good idea if there's one avaiable. (or just keep posting here on boards.).... your friends mightn't always be able to understand.

Try and remember that you and your mum are in this together. It's going to be tough but you'll get threw it.

Big hug (())

xoxkellyxox

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You poor thing. Are you in touch with your Dad's family at all? Maybe they can speak to your Mum and help her understand that you need to grieve too. Have you brothers and sisters?Do they share your desire to visit his grave?

I have a 4 year old sister, she can't remember him.
Both of my dad's parents are dead but he had a sister although i don't really know where she lived. or anything .. :S

c - 13

Have you tried sitting down and asking her straight out why she doesn't want you to visit the grave ? A calm logical discussion without getting angry may give you some indicators as to why.

Its possible that she feels guilty about his death and doesn't want you visiting as she is worried you may feel resentment towards her becasue of this, hence the controlling/over-protectiveness of you.

As RedXIV pointed out once you hit 18 you are your own person so there's technically nothing she can do to stop you then.

I understand that its tough but try to keep the chin up and fight it out. Good luck.

not yet

You have to talk to someone kiddo, Try a teacher that you like.

Your mam seems not to be able to deal with this at the moment but if you give a time she will. Remember you'll be old enough for so many years to visit your dad's grave.

The Sweeper

xoxkellyxox wrote: »

A couple of years ao ( i was 13 ) my dad overdosed and died ...
Thing is ..
My mum had walked out while he was recovering form his addiction :mad:
which caused him to. ya' know end it.

Kelly, just a note: you cannot blame your mother for the death of your father.

It's terribly, terribly sad, but committing suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and it destroys the lives of the people left behind.

You might tell yourself "If she hadn't left him he'd still be alive", but the fact is that a suicidal mindset is a far, far more complex thing - it can be linked to depression and mental illness, or to other things - you speak of your father as a recovering addict. If your mother hadn't left him, there's no guarantee he would still be alive because something else would just have pushed him to take his own life.

It's doubly difficult, because now your mom has to live up to the memory of a ghost. As you go through your teens, you could invent your father - you could make him a better person than he was, a stronger person, a kinder person - and nobody would know different because he's dead. Your mother, however, as the parent who is still alive and caring for you, (and who very possibly decided to remove you from what she felt could be a harmful situation, when she left your dad, maybe?), she's the one who'll be around for you to throw your anger at, tell her you hate her, and generally be teenaged at.

If you would like to visit your father's grave, take a minute out and try and figure out where your mother sits in all of this.

Because if I had two daughters with a man who was an addict, and who was giving up, but maybe it was the umpteeneth time I'd watched him try to give up, and I was worried about the children, and I felt like I couldn't take any more, so I left and took the children with me, and then he killed himself - well that would be something I would have difficulty with for a very, very long time afterwards, and maybe moving away and trying to forget it would be my way of coping.

...there's also the possibility that, two years on, I could still be very, very angry about it. That might explain the flowers back on the table.

These are just a few thoughts, just before this goes the route of "My poor dad killed himself and my mother appears to be a heartless bitch".

watna

Is there anywhere you can go to feel close you your dad that's not the graveyard? I know a lot of people who don't feel their loved one's presence at the grave and prefer to be alone somewhere that reminds them of their loved one instead. Maybe it would be easier for you to do that until more time has passed and your mum has recovered a bit more. As MAJD said, she must still be very torn about it all.

The only other thing to do is to sit down and talk to her and let her know that you understand that's it very hard for her but that he was your dad and you'd like to be able to visit his grave sometimes - that it's not about her but about you and him and you're not trying to upset her or make things hard for her.