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Need judgement on a poem

  • 24-08-2008 2:11pm
    #1
    Affable
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,212 ✭✭✭


    Billboard advertises cigarettes
    Girl walks round the roundabout
    Bridge over a main road
    Shes been here years
    winters coming soon
    nights drawing in
    football fans at 5pm
    Northern town
    Forgotten world
    get home early
    lock the doors
    saturday night TV
    home alone
    She knows
    but no-one else knows
    her world of dreams

    Besides punctuation, what do you reckon?


Comments

  • #2
    Matt Holck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck


    Girl walks round the roundabout
    Bridge over a main road

    is that a pedestrian bridge
    with a spiralled rise on each side?

    the TV steals dreams


  • #3
    Affable
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,212 ✭✭✭Affable


    Matt Holck wrote: »
    is that a pedestrian bridge
    with a spiralled rise on each side?

    the TV steals dreams

    Alright alright. It was a first effort. Never done it before.


  • #4
    Matt Holck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck


    the passing image placements moves along smoothly

    I like it


  • #5
    Affable
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,212 ✭✭✭Affable


    Any more verdicts


  • #6
    celticcutie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 101 ✭✭celticcutie


    Affable wrote: »
    Billboard advertises cigarettes
    Girl walks round the roundabout
    Bridge over a main road
    Shes been here years
    winters coming soon
    nights drawing in
    football fans at 5pm
    Northern town
    Forgotten world
    get home early
    lock the doors
    saturday night TV
    home alone
    She knows
    but no-one else knows
    her world of dreams

    Besides punctuation, what do you reckon?

    Matt Holck had me in stitches but other than that - it's poetry so with your poetic licence anything goes - that's what's soooo great about it. More importantly, how did you feel after you'd written it?


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  • #7
    Affable
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,212 ✭✭✭Affable


    celticcutie wrote: »
    Matt Holck had me in stitches but other than that - it's poetry so with your poetic licence anything goes - that's what's soooo great about it. More importantly, how did you feel after you'd written it?
    I dunno, I just wrote it quickly. Evidently it shows. :o


  • #8
    celticcutie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 101 ✭✭celticcutie


    See it could've taken ya months and we'd never have known!!

    I think it's movement is paced and concise. I like it.

    But why did you write it?


  • #9
    Affable
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,212 ✭✭✭Affable


    celticcutie wrote: »
    See it could've taken ya months and we'd never have known!!

    I think it's movement is paced and concise. I like it.

    But why did you write it?

    I wanted to express the thoughts in my head.


  • #10
    celticcutie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 101 ✭✭celticcutie


    Affable wrote: »
    I wanted to express the thoughts in my head.

    That's excatly what I was getting at. You wanted to express yourself and now ya did. Sense of accomplishment about that regardless of what anyone else thinks. Bet you felt satisfied when you wrote the last word.

    It's Art so everyone will have an opinion. In my opinion, the last line really draws it together cause you get this surreal feeling reading it. It definitely has an impact :)


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