He destroyed everything

LegacyUser

Dear all

My heart is broken. The man that I love and adore has really destroyed everything we have had. I wont go into all the fine details as it is very long and I havnt the energy to relive it. I thought I had found in him the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel so gutted. I am devestated and I dont know what to do.

I feel gutted also for the fact that Im going to be 31 next week and Im wondering how am I ever going to rebuild my life. By the time I get over him, will I ever meet anyone again to get married and have children? I feel he has robbed me of precious time in my life where it was time to settle down and have a family.

Can anyone reassure me that this is not the end or what can I do?

Blackpitts

he ruined all wrote: »

Dear all

My heart is broken. The man that I love and adore has really destroyed everything we have had. I wont go into all the fine details as it is very long and I havnt the energy to relive it. I thought I had found in him the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel so gutted. I am devestated and I dont know what to do.

I feel gutted also for the fact that Im going to be 31 next week and Im wondering how am I ever going to rebuild my life. By the time I get over him, will I ever meet anyone again to get married and have children? I feel he has robbed me of precious time in my life where it was time to settle down and have a family.

Can anyone reassure me that this is not the end or what can I do?

you are only 31, not 61!
it's better to start from 0 than live for ever with someone who can make you miserable. i know loads of girls in their mid thirties who have found the right man, just be positive and you'll see that's plenty of fish out there.
You need time to get over him but in few months you'll see it's not the end of the world.
best of luck

LegacyUser

he ruined all wrote: »

Dear all

My heart is broken. The man that I love and adore has really destroyed everything we have had. I wont go into all the fine details as it is very long and I havnt the energy to relive it. I thought I had found in him the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel so gutted. I am devestated and I dont know what to do.

I feel gutted also for the fact that Im going to be 31 next week and Im wondering how am I ever going to rebuild my life. By the time I get over him, will I ever meet anyone again to get married and have children? I feel he has robbed me of precious time in my life where it was time to settle down and have a family.

Can anyone reassure me that this is not the end or what can I do?

You want to hear that everything is going to be alright and you want someone to comfort you.

Unfortunately it's probably not. You place too much importance on relationships and need to be more independant. When you eventually do settle down, you should do what all girls do, choose a really really nice guy who will provide for you. You can always have flings with the bad boys you really like on the weekends.

Wibbs

Better to be alone out of a bad situation than not. Things can turn around very quickly. I've seen it happen. It's more likely to happen if you're ok with yourself and independent as wow100 wrote. The bit about nice guy to settle down with and bad boys at the weekends is utter guff though IMHO.

hockeygirl

Ok its a major shock now but you'll get over it and be better for it.

I would rather have heartbreak at 31 than marry someone and live a lie Count yourself lucky that he had the balls to break up with you when he did (obviously I cant say much more as you havent gone into details about your break up)

wow 100 this comment - "When you eventually do settle down, you should do what all girls do, choose a really really nice guy who will provide for you. You can always have flings with the bad boys you really like on the weekends." doesnt help!

Liam Byrne

he ruined all wrote: »

The man that I love and adore has really destroyed everything we have had. I wont go into all the fine details as it is very long and I havnt the energy to relive it.

Without at least some details, it's going to be very hard for anyone here to figure out whether or not your reaction is understandable - e.g. how long were ye going out, what did ye have (relationship, plans, living together, children), what did he do to "destroy" everything, how did you react, how did ye split up, etc.

But as pointed out above, there's a lot of living to be done between 31 and 61, if you choose to do so!

I had 3 relatively serious relationships before I was 30, and had one or two headwrecks since, but even with those headwrecks I can honestly say that life (and an appreciation of lots of things) only BEGAN at 30!

You're less than halfway through your life, and if you take out the nappy/being fed/adolescent years, you're only quarter way through the "living" part......go out and enjoy it!

P.S. You thought you had found, etc.......did he think the same ? If not, then ye weren't on the same page/stage of life, so you're better off. If he did think the same, then ye could indeed have been on to something and have lost it, but again, without the details, we can't say.....

But either way, there's a lot of life out there yet!

Best of luck!

MagicMarker

wow100 wrote: »

you should do what all girls do, choose a really really nice guy who will provide for you. You can always have flings with the bad boys you really like on the weekends.

How this post was allowed to be posted i'll never know. But ffs, cop on will ya.

LegacyUser

We had been together for a year and a half. In this time he has lied a few times, just to protect himself from me getting angry about things he knew are completely unacceptable in a relation....but he was very selfish. I suppose in hindsight I had him spoilt rotten, everything was about him. It was always a case of whatever suited him and whenever. I really think he has used me. And to be honest I dont even know if he really did love me. Although he tells me he doesnt want to lose me and that we make a great time, blah, blah blah. I have told him he has ruined everything with his lies and deceit, and his complete lack of respect for me and our relationship has left me with no choice but to end this.

He made very little of me on Friday night when he did what he did. He lied to me through his teeth about something and I caught him out red handed. He really hurt me, he has destroyed everything that we have ever had and I know ultimately Im better off to be without him. But it sure hurts like hell. And I just want him so bad. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep and not waken up till this goes away.

How long will this unbearable pain last?

MugMugs

Probably for the rest of your life. But thats what it's all about. I remember being told "MugMugs, you will never love somebody the way that you loved <insert name here> You will love them in a different and more special way"

Cheesey as it is, it's kinda true... That persons affliction is with you until days end but it will get easier, others will come and go and eventually, when your old happy and married with kids you will think back and laugh...

The best thing that you can do right now is to be with friends. Go to the cinema, go for a milkshake or coffee after it.... Go for a walk with a neighbour / mate.... keep yourself surrounded by people.... in no time... he will be at the back of your head buried in with the thoughts of when you first fell of your bike...

As for Wow100.... Dont listen to that. Anybody who condone's or conducts themselves in infedility needs a serious kicking...

LegacyUser

I know you are feeling devastated, hurt, hopeless etc now OP but believe me it will get easier, it just takes time .. I was there a few months ago and yes it hurts like hell but you just really have to be strong, yes have your cry but get back out there ( i don't mean dating straight away) but have some you time, go out with the girls, spoil yourself and eventually it gets easier. I know you prob think you still love him and miss him but rather than dwell on this think about how **** it felt to be lied to and deceived. My ex made me feel so bad I was physically sick yet I still convinced myself i loved him and couldn't live without him. You CAN! He hurt you a lot and doesn't deserve your tears and isn't worth you putting your life on hold. Stop dwelling on your age, 31 is nothing, please just have some you time and get yourself back on track instead of letting a man control it!

citeal

OP,


I could have written that post myself at the beginning of this year except i'd turned 30 not 31.

I was devastated & thought i'd never feel better again.

Fast-forward six months and i couldn't feel happier. I'm not exaggerating.

Believe me, a time will come when you will look back and be SO RELIEVED that you are out of it. I know its rough now but you just need to get through this crappy time and it'll be so so worth it.

I would rather be single the rest of my life than be back in a bad relationship that was destroying me.

Take care, you'll be amazed at how the pain starts to fade & then how rapidly delighted you'll be to be out of it.

echosound

Look at it this way - at least it was only 18 months you "wasted" (though I would not personally call them wasted, as everything goes into making you the person you are today,it's all a learning curve) not 10 years.

Better to get out now, and get on with your life, rather than stumble along for a couple more years and then find out you are not compatible.

I know you are probably up in a heap at the moment, but dust yourself off, get back out and start living your life for yourself, rather than for him, as you seem to have done in your relationship. You will soon find yourself looking back thinking "I'm so glad things happened the way they did, I wouldn't be where I am today if I had stuck with that guy".

Trinity

OP was it a big lie? Is it really unforgivable?

The reason i ask is because i hate fcuking liars however i am quite highly strung. I worry when people lie about the little things as I wonder will they lie about the bigs things as well.

But i realised after a while that if i was a bit more chilled and less paranoid that people wouldnt lie in order not to upset me.

My OH and I broke up for a week (we have kids) as he lied about getting a text.

But i was adamant i would never set eyes on such a liar again. Ridiculous carry on.

Anyway your situation is probably far worse but for what its worth you are anon here and you can say what he did wrong and get mostly honest opinions on it. You can imagine what my family and friends told me when i asked their opinion on my situation

Liam Byrne

Been there to some extent, OP.....in fact, anyone who has ever loved someone probably has.....

Look at it this way.....if there's a chance that there's someone else out there with whom you could have all the good things (that you had with this guy) AND WITHOUT THE "he has lied a few times" AND "he was very selfish" AND "He made very little of me on Friday night", wouldn't you be happier ?

Last year I was completely into someone who occasionally made me feel completely unwanted. To this day I don't even know if it was her "fault", as such, because she had a lot going on (and yeah, I know now that that doesn't excuse the behaviour completely, but I kept convincing myself at the time that it did.

Over Christmas, when it came to a head (similiar to your story, I hit the end of my tether and called her on it, saying "I'm here for ya, but if you don't stop I can't keep trying" and I ended up being blamed for ending it!

So I know how you feel, and I spent Christmas feeling like you do now. Crap time of year to feel like that.

Part of me still reckons she's a cracking girl, and if we could have had all the good bits without the rollercoaster episodes, I would have been delighted. But we couldn't, so it's over, and we're both better off as a result.

But it took a good few months to stop having to convince myself of that daily and to actually believe it.

IanCurtis

he ruined all wrote: »

I feel gutted also for the fact that Im going to be 31 next week and Im wondering how am I ever going to rebuild my life. By the time I get over him, will I ever meet anyone again to get married and have children? I feel he has robbed me of precious time in my life where it was time to settle down and have a family.

Can anyone reassure me that this is not the end or what can I do?

Well you can feel the need to conform to what a thirty year old woman should do, or you can start your new independent life. Your choice. Most of your peers will be unhappy/divorced in 5 years time, be grateful you're not in that depressing loop.

Carrigart Exile

he ruined all wrote: »

We had been together for a year and a half. In this time he has lied a few times, just to protect himself from me getting angry about things he knew are completely unacceptable in a relation....but he was very selfish. I suppose in hindsight I had him spoilt rotten, everything was about him. It was always a case of whatever suited him and whenever. I really think he has used me. And to be honest I dont even know if he really did love me. Although he tells me he doesnt want to lose me and that we make a great time, blah, blah blah. I have told him he has ruined everything with his lies and deceit, and his complete lack of respect for me and our relationship has left me with no choice but to end this.

He made very little of me on Friday night when he did what he did. He lied to me through his teeth about something and I caught him out red handed. He really hurt me, he has destroyed everything that we have ever had and I know ultimately Im better off to be without him. But it sure hurts like hell. And I just want him so bad. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep and not waken up till this goes away.

How long will this unbearable pain last?

without going in to it too much 'you caught him red handed' sounds like you set a trap. You also tell us he has lied before fearful of your anger. Maybe its best for him he is away from you.

Karen_*

I also spent Christmas feeling like you do now OP. And fast forward and I'm so glad I'm out of it. Its horrible when your hopes and dreams go out the window but you can build new ones.

31 is nothing! Of course you'll meet someone else but it doesn't feel like it at the moment and you feel you wouldn't want anyone else anyway. He most certainly hasn't destroyed your life and your dreams. He just pushed you towards a different and better path.

The Dudette

Let me tell you, I thought I found the man of my dreams, my soul-mate, life partner etc...When I was four months pregnant he proposed and to me it was the icing on the cake. 3 months later, when I was 7 months pregnant, he tells me he doesn't love me, doesn't want to marry me and that because I'd moved into his home he'd like me start looking for somewhere else. Now I'm 23, and I still felt like my life was over. I'd be raising a child on my own and who would want a girl with baggage??

Exactly like you feel now, I was devastated, broken hearted, and yet so angry at the same time - who was he to change so drastically the life I thought we had planned?? Anyways, my little boy is 4 months old now, and I couldn't be happier being a single mum. I know I'll meet someone in the future but I'm not worried about it now. I no longer see it as something I lost, but a narrow escape. Can you imagine what would have happened down the road had I stayed with such a self centered selfish man?

I don't mean to make this post about me, so sorry for long intro, but all I'm saying is do try and keep the chin up. Easier said than done, I know. But it DOES get better. YOU get better. And if you need some cheering up I recommend reading Marion Keyes - Watermelon as it's a similar situation and hilarious!! PM me if you fancy a chat anytime.

LegacyUser

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

without going in to it too much 'you caught him red handed' sounds like you set a trap. You also tell us he has lied before fearful of your anger. Maybe its best for him he is away from you.

I certainly did not set a trap of any sort. I completely believed him when he told me he was going to an evening wedding do with lads he has worked with, he even asked me did I want to go. I told him to have a great night and I would see him the next night. At about 9pm I was talking to him on the phone where his behaviour turned very funny, and I felt something wasn't right.....something really wasn't right. I asked him straight out what was wrong and he told me I was talking ****e and what was I going on about. I knew deep down that he was lying to me and the way in which I caught him red handed was by ringing someone elses phone, to much complete and utter astonishment, he answered. Verifying my worst fears. This was someone who slept in my bed the night before, left with me for work that morning and in 12 hours was getting up to all sorts of crap. And here this man was going to go ahead and meet me the next night and probably stay in my home again. He even had the cheek to text me the next morning and asked me where were we going out tonight. Which lets me see that he thought nothing of what he had done, and actually thought he would get away with the whole thing. I really feel like a fool about it all.

And with regards to me getting angry over stuff in the past, I am a very laid back person, but some of the lies and bull**** he has done to me caused me to get pretty pissed off with him.

Its been 2 days since I have had any contact with him, and I am getting a good clear head about the whole thing. Someone else mentioned above that the relationship seemed to be all about him, and I am able to see that. I was no part of this relaitonship, I was a nobody in it, and I can see that now.

I am devestated, completely beside myself, but my reasons now for this isn't because the relationship has ended, it is because I feel very stupid for how long that I let things go on for, for how long I turned a blind eye to things and for being treated like a mug. I have been a big fool and a very bad judge of character.

Sorry for ranting on, just wanted to get my point across.

Karen_*

You are well shut of him. Isn't being on your own preferable to being treated like that?

Who's phone did he answer and where was he really?

I know its a big slap in the face when you find out someone has been lying to you or messing around on you but you're not a fool. so you trusted someone. Well why wouldn't you? We've all trusted people implicitly and found they were not what we thought. Its no reflection on you. But its really hurtful

And yes the other poster was right. He'd be better off away from you. He'd be much better suited to another liar or cheat or at the very least someone who he'll get away with it with the next time.

LOLA08

he ruined all wrote: »

I certainly did not set a trap of any sort. I completely believed him when he told me he was going to an evening wedding do with lads he has worked with, he even asked me did I want to go. I told him to have a great night and I would see him the next night. At about 9pm I was talking to him on the phone where his behaviour turned very funny, and I felt something wasn't right.....something really wasn't right. I asked him straight out what was wrong and he told me I was talking ****e and what was I going on about. I knew deep down that he was lying to me and the way in which I caught him red handed was by ringing someone elses phone, to much complete and utter astonishment, he answered. Verifying my worst fears. This was someone who slept in my bed the night before, left with me for work that morning and in 12 hours was getting up to all sorts of crap. And here this man was going to go ahead and meet me the next night and probably stay in my home again. He even had the cheek to text me the next morning and asked me where were we going out tonight. Which lets me see that he thought nothing of what he had done, and actually thought he would get away with the whole thing. I really feel like a fool about it all.

And with regards to me getting angry over stuff in the past, I am a very laid back person, but some of the lies and bull**** he has done to me caused me to get pretty pissed off with him.

Its been 2 days since I have had any contact with him, and I am getting a good clear head about the whole thing. Someone else mentioned above that the relationship seemed to be all about him, and I am able to see that. I was no part of this relaitonship, I was a nobody in it, and I can see that now.

I am devestated, completely beside myself, but my reasons now for this isn't because the relationship has ended, it is because I feel very stupid for how long that I let things go on for, for how long I turned a blind eye to things and for being treated like a mug. I have been a big fool and a very bad judge of character.

Sorry for ranting on, just wanted to get my point across.

hi just wanted to say it could be me actually writing your post. It sounds so familiar. the anger you felt was justified some people just bring out the worst in others. plus sounds like you have the right to be angry.

I broke up at 30 going on 31 at the time, I am 34 now and single. heart broken wasnt the word, still feel it sometimes but i think its because i am still single and he has moved on. not to turn this into my story, but time gives you great insight, looking back now i think to myself why did i put up with that crap. i am just glad that we broke when we did, because it would have happen eventually and could have been a hell of a lot worse.

it will be hard, but you will be ok, and next time you will be an excellent judge of character, that is one think i have learned. good luck