Problems with an EX

Sashy

Sorry i know this going to be a bit long but need to give you an overall picture of the story.

I had been seeing this guy for nearly 9 years, living with him for 5.
I left him at the start of the year due to drink and abuse. This all started bad about 1 year before i left him. (not physical but verbal abuse), he would waken me up when he came home from the pub even when i had work the next day.
This was really bad personal abuse, calling me names, saying horrible things, wanting me to do things which i would not. This would go on for literally hours! The next day then, apologising and swearing it would never happen again.! which i heard so many times.
His drinking eventually climbed up to 6 nights per week, and nearly every night i had to deal with this. So as much as it was hard for me i knew that i had to leave before things got really bad.

Since i left him, he has been trying to get back with me, being nice, but then being hateful. Nice then hateful, nearly every month since I left. Now he is being very nasty as he says i owe him money, about 3 grand.

He even started calling to my parents house when i have been there at the weekends drunk in the middle of night, the last night when i asked him to leave he started shouting abuse outside so that even the neighbours could hear.

When things were good with us, yes he did give me money to help me out with college fees and other things. And i helped him out with a lot, i spent hours doing his paperwork for his business and helped him start his business as he wasnt good at computers or writing etc. I didnt mind doing this. He said he didnt want any of the money back as I did a lot for him.
I am not just saying this but I really was a good girlfriend to him, looked after him well, did everything i could possibly do for him. Even his own family remarked on how good i was for him (he even said himself before on occasions, he wouldn be where he is today only for me).I am not saying he should not get this money back, I know money should be paid back what you owe and it was good of him to help me out. Some might say i shouldn have took money off him, but it was no baby relationship, i was with this guy for a long time and we had talked about getting married and having children.


If i had this money I would give it back, but truth is, I dont. I am seriously in debt myself, and before anyone starts as i have seen on other posts about thats my own fault etc, this was not due to mad spending but due to a circumstance that was totally out of control and college expenses. I find it hard enough as it is dealing with this.

A few months ago, i took this up with him and he said that he was only saying i owed him money to hurt me because i hurt him. But now he has started it again and he is not going to stop now.

He is getting really nasty now and i know its not going to stop here, he has said to me he will leave me alone when he gets his money.
I have been nice to this guy even since we split but at the same time told him straight out i would never get back with him. I have felt sorry for him at times though dont know why? and learned that he has been seeing someone else over the last few months (dont know how long) so it obvioulsy isnt hurting him that bad! I do wish he would meet someone that he will be happy with as things were never going to work out with us, I am not a horrible person and would only ever wish him good luck in his future, as much as what he has done to me, I would never hold a grudge.

I dont regret leaving him one bit and a lot happier not dealing with drunken abuse, well during the week anyway.
He does not know where i live during the week, but he knows my number which i cannot change as it is a work phone and i dont want to get them involved.

A lot of people has said ignore him, which i have done for long periods at a time, this has not worked.
I have tried being nice to him, which has not worked.
I have been firm and stood my ground throughout and have not ever been nasty towards him.

Has anyone got any advice on what i could do?
I just dont know what to do anymore and i need to move on with my life and put this behind me

listermint

To put it plainly tell him to F off and You will get the Guards involved if he does not.

You have had enough of his abuse and he is causing a public nuisance. This should have been done a while ago when he started all of this. You need to stop being nice and take control.

MagicMarker

If he said you didn't have to pay him back then don't, he can't just change his mind to suit himself.

Next time he shows up drunk, call the guards. Actually scrap that, go to the guards asap and get yourself a restraining order.

sunshinegirl

cant see much of a problem changing your number,surely its a matter of updating the info with admin, and printing new business cards if you need them.Also can you get his number blocked from your phone.

Are you worried he will get violent?Maybe a chat with a local garda maybe help.You could get some type of barring order,or restraining order on him or get a gardai to warn him off.Though you would have to document every incident,phone calls,calling to your parents house etc.

Why dont you call the gardai when he arrives to your parents house,he could get done for drunk and disorderly or something.

dont give him any chances,he is trying to bully you.

board om

he sounds like he has some serious issues. and even if you paid him the money i guarantee the harrassment wont stop. he will just find another reason to haunt you. you dont owe him a penny. what ever about doing the work for him, it should be seen as compensation for putting up with his abusive behaviour for all that time. there was never any agreement in place about paying the money back and from what you have said he never paid you for the work you did for him anyway, so i would say that evens out nicely. if he had had to pay someone to do that work it would have cost him more than €3k. he is most likely only using the money as an excuse to keep in contact with you because he knows you dont have it to give back to him. so therefore if he uses that as his reason he knows there is now way out of it for you except to get back with him.

you could try talking to his family and explain the situation. from what you said in your post they seemed to quite like you. and if they know what he is like when he is drinking then they might understand what he is doing to you and they may have some control over him. other than that, i cant believe i am going to say this becuase i never say this to anyone but....... you are going to have to go to the garda and report him. its the only way you are going to be rid of him. they wont be able to follow up on his complaint about the money because it is a civil matter but they can help you regarding his harrassment and abusive behaviour. if he spends a few nights in a cell then he might start to cop on. but at the end of the day he needs to stop drinking.

all the best

Sashy

Thanks everyone for your replies,
I actually rang the guards today and was talking to a really nice guard who said he would first caution him verbally and if that didnt work i could take him up for harrassment, I dont know if this is a good idea. I would be afraid that this could cause more trouble. Even though his family were good to me before, they are not now. I am sure he has told them lies, they know what he is like with drink and his Mother will always take his side no matter what, even if she seen him do it. I would be afraid his brothers would cause trouble with my family, they have a bad reputation. I have even heard some lies what his brother has said already.

Even calling the guards today was my last resort, and i might have no other option but to persue it.

As for my phone, It is belong to my employer and if i went to them, they might say that I shouldn be using it for personal things, I dont know how they would react with it, (Any suggestions on what to say to them?)

He definately does seem to have a lot of issues, and a drink problem which he will never admit. I can never figure out how he started to become hateful with drink as he wasnt always like that. I begged him to get help and he said he would, then he tried to blame me for his drink problem because I left him, (i bet that is what his family thinks now). Not that I care what they think, they will find out when the next woman leaves him after the same.

sunshinegirl

nothing wrong with telling the employer that your receiving abusive phonecalls from your ex and theyre starting to upset you and would they mind terribly if you could do something about it,as in block his number with the provider or change number, say that you dont want these incidents to affect you work so you thought it best to deal with it now,or something along those lines.

hope that is of some help to you.

tbh

if you were my sister, here's what I'd do.

firstly, I'd make contact with his mother and say "look, my sister does still care about what happens to your son, and she certainly doesn't want to make the situation any worse, but if he calls around the house again, we're going to get the guards involved" Do that calmly and don't debate ANYTHING else with them - say your piece and hang up the phone.

The next time this happens, do just that. Call the guards, don't say a single word to the guy, don't engage him in conversation and don't try to reason with him. Call the guards, get them to deal with it, and maybe look at getting a barring order.

Sashy

thanks again guys, i honestly thought that some people would be saying that it was my own fault somehow, as i used to think it was something to do with me (i know that was stupid).
Believe it or not, not a lot of people want to get involved, i suppose i cant blame them in a way.
I have decided now that if i do change my number he will prob just hassle my family or this will make him call down to my parents more at the weekends drunk (its amazing what some people will do when they are drunk!)
I got a message yesterday from him. So if i get one one more message I will go to the guards, I never thought I would ever need to go there about anything but I dont think I have anymore choice. As the guard said to me yesterday if he thinks I owe him money, he should be going to his solicitor not hassling me).
If he did go to his solicitor do you think he would have anything on me about getting this money back?

Craft25

In no way on earth do you owe him any money!! do you not watch Judge Judy? in a relationship for nine years = everything is shared, full stop.. he is obviously using it as an excuse to harrangue you..

just change the phone, everybody else cleared up your weak excuse for not doing it and then you came back with another reason not to.. he'll call my family!

the correct course of action has been outlined above and now you have to ask yourself have you the chutspa to carry it out?.. you cant keep coming back saying but if I do X, he'll do Y.. either you cut the chord or you dont, you're not helping him either with his alcohol problem, he needs clear boundaries

1. change phone NOW.. no excuses
2. next time he makes any form of contact inform him that it is unwanted and the next time police are coming (simply and clearly like that, and dont respond to any of his reasoning)
3. When he doesnt instantly F-off (which he wont as to date every contact he's made he's been getting to you), cops!! straight away and thats it

if you dont go out and do this tomorrow, with the restraining order as said above, without making any more excuses then you have to seriously question yourself as to why you are letting him keep his foot in the door of your life!!

PS. i dont blame you, after 9 years its always gonna be difficult, but you're not helping him to move on and get help, and you're certainly not helping yourself

EcoGirl

Re the money - your solicitor will tell you better than we could, but if he doesn't have it in writing, then probably not imo (but check this!)

I think that morally you don't owe the money.

I agree with all the other posters' comments too.

Good luck with it.

tbh

Sashy wrote: »

thanks again guys, i honestly thought that some people would be saying that it was my own fault somehow, as i used to think it was something to do with me (i know that was stupid).
Believe it or not, not a lot of people want to get involved, i suppose i cant blame them in a way.
I have decided now that if i do change my number he will prob just hassle my family or this will make him call down to my parents more at the weekends drunk (its amazing what some people will do when they are drunk!)
I got a message yesterday from him. So if i get one one more message I will go to the guards, I never thought I would ever need to go there about anything but I dont think I have anymore choice. As the guard said to me yesterday if he thinks I owe him money, he should be going to his solicitor not hassling me).
If he did go to his solicitor do you think he would have anything on me about getting this money back?

I think it's not about the money, I think he's using that reason as a hold over you - it gives him a reason to think that there is still unfinished business between you. I've no idea if you'd have to pay the money back - a viewing history of Judge Judy says "no" for whatever that's worth - but the point is, you have to lay this on the line for him VERY VERY clearly.




We are finished.
I don't want to talk to you.
If you hassle me, I'll do what I would do if any other random punter was hassling me - I WILL GO TO THE GUARDS.

this isn't a rational guy you are dealing with. He is interpreting your actions in all kinds of crazy ways. He thinks you are going to get back together because he is so self-involved he literally cannot see any other conclusion to this. So - make sure your actions do the talking, not your words. Warn him clearly, and most important of all, backup your warning with actions. I'm so sorry for you, I hope this ends quickly, but your actions alone will determine that.

edit: lol, didn't see craft25's comments. three cheers for Judge Judy!

siobhan.murphy

you really need to sort this by going down the proper channels,call into the cop shop today even just to see where u stand on this,I believe that your parents are none to pleased about this idiot calling to their house in the middle of the night!
better late than never,go to the cops now and find out what to do off them.
Good luck and fair play to you, pricks are one thing but a bully and a prick.....that just takes the piss

Sashy

Craft, as much I dint like to read your message, you are right in what you are saying.
Dont get me wrong even though I have been nice with him, I have stood my ground throughout and never lead him to believe that I would ever come back to him. And it is not fair to get my family involved. I am so sick of his crap.
I will look into getting the phone sorted this week. I know I have to do it.
His family are the type that hate the guards and would never go to them and anyone that goes to them are seen very badly. (They think they are something!!) As i said they have a bad reputation for fighting and that, and the brothers actully beat a woman up in the local pub a few years ago in front of everyone!! They are always going around threatening people etc, These guys arent kids either as it may seem that they are!! They are over their 30's. When a row happens they get their brothers to sort you out, so childish its embarassing to say I even knew this guy let alone spent so much time with him.
I am in the process of giving myself a good talking to now, i know what needs to be done and i will do it. As much as the thought scares me i have to do it, my college is starting back shortly and I cant jeopardise that with this worry, he nearly ruined it for me last year!!

LegacyUser

The only way out is to pay the money and then tell him you don't want to hear from him again.

However, a word of warning, this guy is VERY dangerous. Be careful. Don't take any risks. Read about Doroty Stratten.

Craft25

Hey, i know exactly the type of guys you are on about, big fish in small pond, mini-megalomaniacs. I really sympathise with you trying to get away from that, you dont wanna be swimming in that small pond all your life, it can be real tough as they seem like they have so much power but they are really just nobody's. you have to have faith that the cops and doing the right thing will eventually come good for you. You seem like you have built up the strenght now to stand up for yourself and get away from these bullys, i really applaud you for that and think its great, if you stick to your guns i think you'll be so glad of it in the long run to be free.

Sashy wrote: »

I am in the process of giving myself a good talking to now, i know what needs to be done and i will do it.

As i said i think you know what you are doing in moving on, fair play to you. You have come on here so that you can make it more real by verbalising it and seeking support, thats a good thing. you should do that in your daily life too, talk to people and be around people that are positive and give you support in what you are doing!

Sashy wrote: »

its embarassing to say I even knew this guy let alone spent so much time with him.

dont beat yourself up on your past, jebus the amount of things i could look back on and squirm, everybody has it in their past! you were in a different place mentally, but now you have more strength with all your positive steps re: college, hold on to that and look to the future.

Sashy wrote: »

my college is starting back shortly and I cant jeopardise that with this worry, he nearly ruined it for me last year!!

Dead on!! good luck with that, hope you have a great year without that pillock dragging you back!