How to deal with relationship paranoia?

LegacyUser

Long post but here goes...

Been with my OH for nearly 2 and a half years now, and my paranoia is going to break us up if I dont learn to deal with it. We both live at home, but as he lives closer to the city centre, he goes out nearly every night after work. I live further away and only go out the odd night every week, maybe every two weeks as I'm saving up to move out and taxis cost a bomb (the area I live in isnt served by the nitelink or anything)

Anyway, the point is 6 out of 7 nights a week he goes out without me. And 6 out of 7 nights a week I stay up late, worrying and waiting for him to text/ring me and let me know how he's getting on. I'm so paranoid he's going to meet another girl when he's out without me because he loses all sense when he gets drunk (he's forgotten where he lives, given a homeless man all his cash, forgotten who I am after I went to the bathroom and came back... etc etc) I have a permanant knot in my stomach when he goes out, its like Im waiting for him to text me saying "Sorry, Ive met someone else"... I love him so much and its not that I dont trust him (up to the point where he gets blind drunk) but I especially dont trust other girls, he's good looking and he's really friendly. I've seen many a girl chat him up when I go out for a smoke or to the bathroom or whatever, and the look of disgust on their faces when I come back, its as if to say they knew they were in with a shot had I not been there.

His friends arent the best influence either, three of his closest friends being infamous cheaters and womanisers amongst our group of friends... OH is so easily influenced by other people it wouldnt surprise me in the event that he did cheat on me that he would say "the lads made me do it"...

AAAAAAAArgh the stress... we're constantly fighting over it and before others boardies give me abuse about that I obviously dont trust him- I DO, I've trusted him with everything in my life, he's my rock and he knows that. I just dont trust the person he turns into when he has drink on him if that makes sense?

How do I deal with this paranoia because I know im driving away the best thing that ever happened to me if I dont get a grip onto myself....

MagicMarker

I'd be more worried about the fact your boyfriend is a raging alcoholic.

sinnerboy

Sorry OP but you are NOT paranoid - you actually have something to be concerned about . The chances of your fears being realised are high .

Being cruel to be kind , i know you probably do not want to hear this . But you are in a state of denial , not paranoia

Flojo

Hun if you did trust him 100% then you wouldn't be having these feelings.
If you think its just you maybe try and get some counselling if you think you need it.
It seems to me you have some other underlying issues that make you think this way. A chat with a professional could help a lot. They might get to the bottom of why your doing this to yourself.
I agree with Magic, 6 nights on the town is excessive. Is everything ok with your boyfriend or is he just fond of the drink? Sit down with him and ask him to spend at least two - three nights with you a week (not in the pub). If hes not willing to give up heading out then its obvious you both have a problem with your relationship.
Apart from what you said about the other girls, has he ever given you a reason to think he might be cheating?

Trinity

So you are only seeing him how often once or twice a week?

Is he making plans with you to move out or just drinking his money.

Sorry to say but this does not sound like a relationship at all. I dont think you are being paranoid but i do think this guy has problems and you would be crazy to accept this as a relationship and tbh taking it further would be insane. Can you picture yourself living with this guy? Having his children? You are settling for less as far as i can see.

Living close to town is not an excuse to go drinking almost every night and he is obviously not having one or 2 scoops. He has a problem and if you stay with him so have you as it then becomes your problem and you have a very miserable life ahead of you staying up every night with knots in your stomach for the next 40 years or at least until he grows up because it doesnt sound like he sees any problem. Why would your behavoiur ruin the relationship. Stop taking the blame. tell him to change or show him the door. See if he cares about being the one to ruin the relationship. Cos you are taking too much responsibility. Its him thats ruining it.

I couldnt do it.

lemon_of_old

He goes drinking 6 out of 7 nights??! WTF?

I'm at a loss. Not only does he spend the vast majority of his free time in the pub, but he also gets so pissed he forgets who you are if you leave the room for 5 minutes. How on earth can you put up with that? If I were you I'd forget about worrying if he's gonna cheat on you or not and start figuring out how you're going to approach him about his drink problem.

chump

Paranoid24 wrote: »

Been with my OH for nearly 2 and a half years now, and my paranoia is going to break us up if I dont learn to deal with it. We both live at home, but as he lives closer to the city centre, he goes out nearly every night after work. I live further away and only go out the odd night every week, maybe every two weeks as I'm saving up to move out and taxis cost a bomb (the area I live in isnt served by the nitelink or anything)

How long has/is it taking you to save up to move out?

Shouldn't take you more than a month if you can afford the rent on a continuous basis (as it's usually 1 month up front).

So why don't you get on with it and move out?


Also,
I agree with much said above, course yar 'worried', not paranoid.
You need to sort it out asap, moving out of your parents house and getting your own life might be a start, so go with that and see what happens.

LegacyUser

Leave him.

I'm male and if i went drinking for a fraction of those nights out, my OH would leave me.
I wouldn't do that to her anyway.

You must have very low self asteem. "He's my rock", what a load of BullS**t!. This is what really annoys me about women today.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

You need to sit down and chat to him about his drinking firstly. 6 out of 7 nights a week is not healthy!

mobilecore

I can add personal experience on this one.

I was so paranoid with my ex. I went out of my mind type paranoid. In the end i ignored the blantant truth, but knew it deep down, so i went to low levels to get the truth (Snooping) - thus nearly stepping myself down to her level.

In the end, everything i was paranoid about i was right about.

what I can add to this is just trust your gut. It never lies. You may ignore it... but dont. listen to it & dont be afraid.

Jack B. Badd

Easily influenced? With all due respect, from what you've posted your OH sounds like a moron with a bad drinking problem. Whether that's the reality of the situation or just your interpretation of it, why are you with him? You don't trust him - whatever you say about it being other women you don't trust, they aren't going to get off the starting blocks without his co-operation. You may not think that he's going to cheat on you out of malice but you clearly think that he's enough of an idiot to be tricked into it when you've got your back turned... That's not trust.

Have you communicated your worries to him? If I were in your shoes and I wanted to make an effort at making the relationship work (not convinced I would), my first move would be discussing how he's going to get help for his drinking.

Peleus

just tell him what you think. if he cant handle it then kick him to the curb.

LolaLuv

you_fool wrote: »

Leave him.

I'm male and if i went drinking for a fraction of those nights out, my OH would leave me.
I wouldn't do that to her anyway.

You must have very low self asteem. "He's my rock", what a load of BullS**t!. This is what really annoys me about women today.

I hate to concur because it's sort of mean, but this guy has a point. Reading through PI one finds a limitless amount of posts from women who are doing crap to themselves and really loving it. Sure, their boyfriends suck, but they're just as much to blame for tolerating it.

This guy would rather drink and be around skanks than see you. He drinks until he's bombed. When you are around, he chats women up as soon as you get up to use the restroom. I think Oprah blows, but one thing she said that makes sense to me is "You teach people how you want to be treated." Start demanding a little more, ffs!

I know this sounds harsh, and before you start thinking I'm a heartless bitch let me just say that I was in an abusive relationship for four years. I have been the ultimate weak woman with zero self-respect or esteem. Getting over what he did to me was easy compared to getting over what I did to myself. You haven't said your guy is hitting you, so please don't think I'm alleging abuse, but you're not doing yourself right. Get out and raise your stock. Find a man who will talk to you and care about your needs and surprise you with romantic gestures every now and then. They're out there.

tinkerbell

Think your boyfriend sounds like an alocholic if he's going out 6 nights a week, that's a problem there. And I don't think you're being paranoid asuch, I mean if he has gotten so blind drunk that he forgets YOU, forgets where he lives, gives all his cash to a homeless person, etc. etc. then how could you trust him?!

He doesn't sound worth it - if he was a decent bf, he would know that the drinking / going out behaviour upsets you and he would curb it.

Karen_*

He could look like Brad Pitt but the "p*ssed out of your head" look isn't attractive to women. You've got nothing to worry about on that front.

Is it a relationship when one person is never there?

Beruthiel

Paranoid24 wrote: »

Anyway, the point is 6 out of 7 nights a week he goes out without me.

Who can afford to do this? What age is he?

he loses all sense when he gets drunk (he's forgotten where he lives, given a homeless man all his cash, forgotten who I am after I went to the bathroom and came back... etc etc)

If this is happening on a regular basis and he's not taking it seriously or questioning his drinking habits then this is a guy with a drink problem.

OH is so easily influenced by other people it wouldnt surprise me in the event that he did cheat on me that he would say "the lads made me do it"...

I've trusted him with everything in my life, he's my rock and he knows that. I just dont trust the person he turns into when he has drink on him if that makes sense?

No it doesn't. If drink is a large part of his life and he can't be trusted during this time, then he can't be trusted.
As for him being 'your rock' - be your own rock, you can depend on yourself more than any other person on this planet. Work on that.
This guy would appear to be more work than he's worth, at the very least he's immature and childish, which is fine if ye are kids, but if he's an adult then at this stage he should be acting like one.

conbob

Paranoid24 wrote: »

Long post but here goes...

Been with my OH for nearly 2 and a half years now, and my paranoia is going to break us up if I dont learn to deal with it. We both live at home, but as he lives closer to the city centre, he goes out nearly every night after work. I live further away and only go out the odd night every week, maybe every two weeks as I'm saving up to move out and taxis cost a bomb (the area I live in isnt served by the nitelink or anything)

Anyway, the point is 6 out of 7 nights a week he goes out without me. And 6 out of 7 nights a week I stay up late, worrying and waiting for him to text/ring me and let me know how he's getting on. I'm so paranoid he's going to meet another girl when he's out without me because he loses all sense when he gets drunk (he's forgotten where he lives, given a homeless man all his cash, forgotten who I am after I went to the bathroom and came back... etc etc) I have a permanant knot in my stomach when he goes out, its like Im waiting for him to text me saying "Sorry, Ive met someone else"... I love him so much and its not that I dont trust him (up to the point where he gets blind drunk) but I especially dont trust other girls, he's good looking and he's really friendly. I've seen many a girl chat him up when I go out for a smoke or to the bathroom or whatever, and the look of disgust on their faces when I come back, its as if to say they knew they were in with a shot had I not been there.

His friends arent the best influence either, three of his closest friends being infamous cheaters and womanisers amongst our group of friends... OH is so easily influenced by other people it wouldnt surprise me in the event that he did cheat on me that he would say "the lads made me do it"...

AAAAAAAArgh the stress... we're constantly fighting over it and before others boardies give me abuse about that I obviously dont trust him- I DO, I've trusted him with everything in my life, he's my rock and he knows that. I just dont trust the person he turns into when he has drink on him if that makes sense?

How do I deal with this paranoia because I know im driving away the best thing that ever happened to me if I dont get a grip onto myself....

sounds a bit familiar... if i were you id ask him to lay off the drunk. i never see the point in people getting pissed off their tits. tipsy is the best and you still have near total control of yourself. just tell him to lay off the drink and if he refuses to cut down then hes not worth your time. he should be willing to sacrifice to put your mind at ease and keep the relationship steady

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for all the advice (and abuse) everything came to a head on saturday night, the OH is in the other room as we speak, we've spent the last 36 hours talkin bout us, the drink, the future, his problems, my problems... We're taking a break and going to see how we manage without each other... the deal is that if he can not drink, not be with another woman and go out only two or three times a week then I'll help him get help with his problem and we'll go to therapy together, try and sort us both out...

And before people say "whats with all the terms and conditions, are ya trying to ruin his life" the break was my idea and he asked if he followed the terms could we maybe try to sort out problems out and try again...

thanks again...:D