OH and parents

LegacyUser

So i'm going out with this fella for a few years. Lovely guy, i'm mad about him, we've a house together and are generally happy out.
He suffers from what i think is low self esteem. I've never talked to him about it really but I know that's what it is. If he's around people he doesn't know well he finds it hard to relax and be himself. He thinks that he'll say something or do something stupid etc etc. I've no problem with that because that's the way he is. When he's with me or his friends he's the life and soul of the party. But he has to know the person first.
The biggest problem I have with all this is him with my parents. Because of the way he is he feels like he's not good enough for me. He's from a less well off background than I am and even though that makes no difference to me or my folks it matters in his head. He's obviously met my folks and so what but not a huge amount. The thing is when he's with them he's his normal self, chatty, funny, and they really like him. But it's the beforehand, he gets all nervous and starts thinking about saying the wrong thing etc. I can't get him to stop feeling this way. At the start he used to make an effort and go to family events with me and once he was there he was fine. My folks know he makes me happy and they really like him... when they see him.
The thing is, as we've gone longer into the relationship and the need to impress me has dwindled because he knows i'm mad about him he's making less and less of an effort. I've a small family and I really want him to be a part of my family, like I am with his. But he just finds it so hard to take that step.
My mom keeps asking can we go for a drink together or something like that and anytime I mention it to him he says ok but when I go to make proper plans it goes out the window.
The latest example is it was his 30th birthday last week and my mom wants to get him a present and do something to celebrate but I know he won't have any interest.
I've cried on occassions in the past and told him I don't know if I can live with this distance between him and my family but he knows I love him and he's so confident in the fact that I won't leave him that he doesn't really take it seriously.
Anyone been in a similar position? What the hell am I going to do?

For the record, it's not just my folks he's like this with. He has a really big family and he's like this with his own family that he doesn't know very well. He just has no self esteem when it comes to these things. I can see exactly where it came from. He didn't exactly have the most stable family life in his childhood and so far I've been understanding but can I live with this for the rest of my life?

Kevster

Hiya,

Yeh, I am in a similar position in that I sound very much to be like him (your parter); and I am of the opinion that things may only get worse for you (i.e. - he will become more and more withdrawn as he becomes more comfortable in the knowledge that he will 'always' have you in his life). That is what people like he and I do: We put some effort into relationships at the start, but then, when we feel comfortable, we take our foot off the gas in a major way. Therefore, it's reality-check time for him: You have to talk to him about your worries and be open and honest. Whatever you do, don't let this pass, because your morale is at stake here.

On a similar note, is it so of him wrong that he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday? I mean, him being forced to celebrate his birthday would be equally as upsetting as you being forced NOT to celebrate your birthday. What I'm alluding to here is the fact that not everyone is 'normal' (or 'neurotypical'), and we shouldn't expect these people (myself included) to be like everyone else.

I have Asperger's Syndrome, by the way. Look it up... ...

Kevin

MagicMarker

Tbh, i think you're over reacting ever so slightly...

Your family is your family, his family is his family.

If he doesn't want to go to your family's 'occasions' or even make the odd visit then he doesn't have to. If he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday then he shouldn't be forced into it.

If you have actually contemplated leaving him because of this then you may want to rethink your own priorities.

Overheal

Regarding birthdays, even at just 21 this year I could visibly see the difference between the way I felt like celebrating my 21st and my 18th. Its just something you become less interested in doing as you get older.

The thing is he sounds like he's a loner from his own family. I can understand that. It's not that it's down to his low self-confidence (necesarily) it could also be down to thats just the place he made for himself in the family. I myself have a confident but brash brother that will have little of nothing to do with the family outside of christmas and funerals and other occassions. Believe me we did nothing to shake his self-confidence he is just that way. If anything I'm the unconfident one and try my best to keep strong the family ties. So I really don't think you have a leg to stand on with that line of reasoning.

I think it's not something you can really link to confidence - he's just not a family oriented guy. Either way, he's in his 30's. Even into your teens you really slip on your chances to change someone's personality that deeply. Realistically, You need to throw away any notion of changing your boyfriend into a family guy and decide whether you can spend the rest of your life with that.

Fat Pie Lot

There has to be an element of compromise here. You seem to think that having a close family is important whereas he doesn't, or at least he's not comfortable with it. I don't think you'll ever agree on that, but as long as he makes some effort to see your family, then that should be enough, right? He shouldn't have to go to every single family gathering that your family has, but if it is a small family, I would imagine they don't crop up that often. Unless your family is one of those that celebrates the sun rising in the mornings. I'm sure he doesn't make the same demands of you for his own family. Again, compromise.

Likewise, your mother wanting to buy him a present and do something to celebrate isn't natural to him, so he doesn't have to agree to it... at least the celebration bit. If you mother wants to buy him a present, then she can. I know that none of my previous gf's families have ever wanted to celebrate my birthday...

LegacyUser

Fat Pie Lot wrote: »

There has to be an element of compromise here. You seem to think that having a close family is important whereas he doesn't, or at least he's not comfortable with it. I don't think you'll ever agree on that, but as long as he makes some effort to see your family, then that should be enough, right? He shouldn't have to go to every single family gathering that your family has, but if it is a small family, I would imagine they don't crop up that often. Unless your family is one of those that celebrates the sun rising in the mornings. I'm sure he doesn't make the same demands of you for his own family. Again, compromise.

See, that's the thing. I feel like he's making no effort at all.
We live ten minutes from my family and ten minutes (in the opposite direction) from his family. He hasn't seen my dad in 2 years.

The birthday thing was probably a bad example cuz I know it's nothing major. I brought him away on holidays for his bday so it'd just be the two of us celebrating it. I was just using it as an example of how my mom would love for him to be more involved with my family and is using it as an excuse to meet up.

I see his family about once a week. I've gone to every family event he's had since we started going out. His mam has stayed overnight here. I've been on holidays with his family.

To overheal, he gets on brilliantly with his immediate family, his parents and brothers. It's extended family, aunts and uncles etc that he's uncomfortable around. Again, it's people he doesn't really know that well.

Btw this issue isn't just about family. As I mentioned he's like this with anybody he doesn't really know. If i'm going out with friends he hasn't met before he'll never come along. Example, a fella in work is having a bbq today and has invited both of us. I haven't even said it to him because I know there's not a hope in hell he'd go. But I've no bother going out on my own, and he doesn't have any problem with it either so it's not really an issue. The only part of it that really bothers me is the family thing.

Fat Pie Lot

stumped wrote: »

See, that's the thing. I feel like he's making no effort at all.
We live ten minutes from my family and ten minutes (in the opposite direction) from his family. He hasn't seen my dad in 2 years.

The birthday thing was probably a bad example cuz I know it's nothing major. I brought him away on holidays for his bday so it'd just be the two of us celebrating it. I was just using it as an example of how my mom would love for him to be more involved with my family and is using it as an excuse to meet up.

I see his family about once a week. I've gone to every family event he's had since we started going out. His mam has stayed overnight here. I've been on holidays with his family.

To overheal, he gets on brilliantly with his immediate family, his parents and brothers. It's extended family, aunts and uncles etc that he's uncomfortable around. Again, it's people he doesn't really know that well.

Btw this issue isn't just about family. As I mentioned he's like this with anybody he doesn't really know. If i'm going out with friends he hasn't met before he'll never come along. Example, a fella in work is having a bbq today and has invited both of us. I haven't even said it to him because I know there's not a hope in hell he'd go. But I've no bother going out on my own, and he doesn't have any problem with it either so it's not really an issue. The only part of it that really bothers me is the family thing.

That's why I mentioned compromise. I had a gf in the past who was supposedly close to her family, but they lived 80 miles away. She also had few friends, but she would see them fairly regularly and knew quite a lot of people through those friends and they would often get together at family BBQs and stuff.

However, I only ever went to about 40% of them. Firstly because I didn't like her parents... partly because they were aloof and partly because I thought her mother was having a negative effect on my gf (hence the suppsedly close comment above). The other main reason that I didn't go to all these things was because I am essentially useless in meeting large groups of unknown people. Small groups of six or less, I'm fine and can cope, but more than that and, well, I'm not good. If I'd had my way, I wouldn't have gone to any of the family things, but compromise is a key to any relationship.

My gf did complain that I didn't go to enough of her family things, but to be honest, despite her supposed outgoing personality, her "hit rate" at turning up to gatherings with my own family and friends was marginally better than mine. You don't seem to have that issue as you've gone to lots more of his gatherings than he has of yours, so you have the upper hand. Just out of interest, do you live with your OH? Do your parents never call round to see you both or do you have to always go to theirs? If your parents come round to yours, would that make a difference as he's on "home turf"?

Ultimately, if it's important to you and he's not going to compromise and change, then you'll have to consider your future.