I know i'm stupid but need advice(abuse)

downboy77

I'm a married 30 year old man. My wife got pregnant over a year ago and we now have a fantastic son i wouldn't change for the world.
However before this happened we were both quite the party animals i work in a bar so my time was always sleep all day and work and party all night. My wife had a part time job in retail so never started before midday. Life was good we had a great time and it looked like it would never end.
The news of our sons arrival came quite out of the blue and my wife adjusted immediatley (i.e stopping smoking, drinking, partying etc). I didn't cope at all and got worse.
Eventually i came to despise my wife for very reasonablly trying to change me. I ended up having an affair with a teenage work colleauge who i fell head over heels in love with. My wife was oblivious and this fling went far beyond what it had originally set out to be. To my deep regret after my son was born my mistress called it a day and went back to her old boyfriend i was devestated and confessed all to my wife who in turn was destroyed. After much therapy we are now back living together but it's not the same i still think of this other girl every day. I love my new family arrangement but not what i feel in my heart.
My wife has gone back to our old lifestyle where i'm now happy to stay in with the baby. My Ex mistress called into see me today and all my feelings came flooding back she's single again and fed up with partying. Should i jump again or laugh, be flattered and wait for my wife to get her needs out of her ?

Zaph

This definitely should be in PI

Moved from The Ladies Lounge

Karen_*

Very difficult to say what you should do to be honest. I would talk to your wife about the party lifestyle and tell her its nto what you want anymore. Just try to get yourself and her out of it as its no life to have really. I'm actually assuming there are drugs in this lifestyle so please correct me if I'm wrong.

I think you should get your head together. Don't go near the mistress. She's a teenager and it probably won't work. Just do your best to get off this rollercoaster that you're on and put your son and your wife first. I can't tell you how to feel but I think you should go with your head on this one, especially with a child involved. Try to bring some normality into your life and then if you decide that you and your wife are not meant to be then you can decide what to do but if you go with the other woman right now then that's probably a mistake.

Just my opinion OP, for what its worth.

CDfm

In a nutshell - the teenage lover dumped you and your wife is out partying.

Wouldnt it make sense for you both to stay in or get a babysitter and go out together.

downboy77

Yeah drugs are involved. At our peak before the baby we could blow 300stg a night on coke no probs. I've knocked it on the head now and now only smoke the odd spliff (in the garage i may add) but i can see her slipping back and demanding more money every week off me that i simply cant supply anymore.

CDfm

i cant believe this.

just dont give her money for drugs.

the therapy you had must have been a barrel of laughs if the result is your back on drugs.

Sounds like a case for Jeremy Kyle

MagicMarker

I don't even know what to say. I just feel sorry for your kid.

who007

would a temporary separation help? Sounds like you two need time apart to figure out what you want...

leesmom

you need to grow up,you are 30 for gods sake,and your wife should be ashamed of herself,she is not some bloody teenager that can go out and party all the time,she is a mother and needs to cop on,sounds like you are both selfish and not thinking about the one thing you should be ,YOUR BABY....
i am actually shocked when i hear about parents behaving like this ,your poor child is all i can say

05D

CDfm wrote: »

In a nutshell - the teenage lover dumped you and your wife is out partying.

Wouldnt it make sense for you both to stay in or get a babysitter and go out together.

The mistress could baby sit!

05D

downboy77 wrote: »

Yeah drugs are involved. At our peak before the baby we could blow 300stg a night on coke no probs. I've knocked it on the head now and now only smoke the odd spliff (in the garage i may add) but i can see her slipping back and demanding more money every week off me that i simply cant supply anymore.

Poor child.

CDfm

Great idea mistress babysitting.

OP - really what do you intend to do - have you thought about what you want?

Karen_*

People can die from taking cocaine you know. so you need to have a serious talk with your wife and both of you stop it. There's a child involved now. And because there's a child involved then stay away from the mistress too. She's not much more than a child herself and acting like one.

This is all totally sortable.

CDfm

People who drink and do coke are serious party people.

It makes you go on all night and all the next day if you want. Thats why people drink and drug together.

Its a case of wanting to change.

cabrwab

Are you mad?
This young one you had the fun with. the grass is greener on the other side stay away from her. Stick with your wife, but she needs to try sort some stuff out too.
Less coke please would be one thing for her. Ive seen friends ruin realationships with coke, this included one marriage, luckily no kids involved.

You both need to mature/grow up a bit and i think maybe the 2 of you need to go out together or stay in together. I don't mind the splif every now an then if it keeps you happy. But you need to sit down with your wife.

Put the affair out of your mind! Hard job im sure!

missmatty

I'm wondering what possessed the two of ye to get married in the first place

biko

The way I see it that you must do what's best for the child, all else is secondary. Drugs must go as well as any thought of mistresses. An odd spliff is ok I guess but both of you have to rise to the occasion now and think about the 3rd party here.

Do you think your wife would be better off as a single parent, raining the child on her own?
Joint custody? Would she agree to it?
If any of the question is answered "no" I think you'd better trying to save what you have at the moment.

LadyE

Im actually speachless at how selfish you and your wife are.

Where does your child fit in all this? Have you thought about him/her and what an affect your actions have on him/her?

cute_cow

leesmom wrote: »

you need to grow up,you are 30 for gods sake,and your wife should be ashamed of herself,she is not some bloody teenager that can go out and party all the time,she is a mother and needs to cop on,sounds like you are both selfish and not thinking about the one thing you should be ,YOUR BABY....
i am actually shocked when i hear about parents behaving like this ,your poor child is all i can say

+1

I mean, come on, you have a child together, you need to wake up before its too late.

sinnerboy

Many people ache for and never get what you and your wife are p******g down the drain . Thank your lucky stars my friend .

Get couples therapy / relationship counselling . Rescue that sinking ship . It WILL be worth it .

Dentalphobe

Have you both been honest with your therapist about drugs? It would really help move things forward for you all. You have a moral obligation as a parent to put your child first.

Sort out your problems, don't try using your teenage fantasy as a means of escape, things will only get messier. Take things one step at a time & deal with facts, not how you wish things could be.

The only way out of the mess is through the mess.

Bendihorse

By any chance is she reverting back to her old lifestyle because she thinks thats what she needs to do to hold on to you? Talk to her and tell her this is not what you want.

Put the mistress out of your mind, she came back becasue she wants an ego boost, simple as. If she really wanted to be with you she would have stayed in the first place. It cant and wont work. Work on your marrige and look after your child. Do things together as a family, try to organise to be away from home on weekends, stay with family (if not from same area) or book a b&b in a nice quiet scenic area... Just try to remove her from her coke fuelled friends and she might see the light and settle down again.

CDfm

Im wondering is this a lifestyle choice you both want or do you want something happier and more intimate.

Chinafoot

I'm surprised that everyone is just focusing on the drugs aspect here.

downboy77 wrote: »

I'm a married 30 year old man. My wife got pregnant over a year ago and we now have a fantastic son i wouldn't change for the world.
However before this happened we were both quite the party animals i work in a bar so my time was always sleep all day and work and party all night. My wife had a part time job in retail so never started before midday. Life was good we had a great time and it looked like it would never end.

Life changes. You suck it up and get on with things.

downboy77 wrote: »

The news of our sons arrival came quite out of the blue and my wife adjusted immediatley (i.e stopping smoking, drinking, partying etc). I didn't cope at all and got worse.

So your wife did the responsible thing and adjusted her lifestyle because her circumstances had changed. You acted like a child and increased the partying because you "couldn't cope".

downboy77 wrote: »

Eventually i came to despise my wife for very reasonablly trying to change me. I ended up having an affair with a teenage work colleauge who i fell head over heels in love with. My wife was oblivious and this fling went far beyond what it had originally set out to be.

To my deep regret after my son was born my mistress called it a day and went back to her old boyfriend i was devestated and confessed all to my wife who in turn was destroyed.

What did you think was going to happen? If her ending things devastated you so much then you should not be continuing this charade of a relationship with your wife. You left the relationship the minute you started that affair. We can all make mistakes but you had a relationship with this teenager. The fact that she's a teenager seems to say a lot about you. You seem completely unwilling to grow up. If you weren't prepared to do that you shouldn't have put a ring on your finger nor should you have had a child.

downboy77 wrote: »

After much therapy we are now back living together but it's not the same i still think of this other girl every day. I love my new family arrangement but not what i feel in my heart.

Then leave. Do you really think your son will want to grow up in a family with his father wanting to be elsewhere? I don't buy this "stay together for your child" shít. You will end up destroying your child if you stay with your wife when you clearly don't want to be with her. You want to be young, single and carefree but you're going to have to deal with the fact that you made your bed, shagged in it and now have a baby. Grow up and start taking responsibility for yourself.

downboy77 wrote: »

My wife has gone back to our old lifestyle where i'm now happy to stay in with the baby.

Do you think your wife isn't aware that you still long for your teenage mistress? You betrayed her when she was at her most vulnerable. She had a baby and a husband who was unwilling to grow up and was partying and taking drugs. You then told her about the affair because you were distraught at being dumped by your bit on the side?! Do you not think she might be finding it a bit difficult to cope at the moment? You say you've been through counselling but how honest have you been? Does your wife know that you're constantly thinking about this other girl?

downboy77 wrote: »

My Ex mistress called into see me today and all my feelings came flooding back she's single again and fed up with partying.

Where did she come to see you? Why did she come to see you? Why did you meet her if you're seriously trying to work on your marriage? You are yet again disrespecting your wife and child by seeing this woman.

downboy77 wrote: »

Should i jump again or laugh, be flattered and wait for my wife to get her needs out of her ?

Her needs?? You need to wake up and realise that your wife is clearly suffering and you're the one that caused that. Now I'm not sayig she's a saint and she needs to sort her shít out too but you need to realise that you will continue to cause that suffering unless you either commit to the marriage fully, or walk away from your wife (but continue to be there for your son).

The pair of you need to grow up. You are in a marriage that you clearly don't want to be in because you want to be a teenager again. Well newsflash...you're 30 years old, you have a wife and a child and it's time you stopped acting like a selfish immature child and start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.

LolaDub

Do you remember you have a child?

Your post seems to focus mainly on how you're such a victim due to your affir and your wife partying. Get over yourself, you betrayed your wife when she was carryng your baby! It seems like you were of little or no support to her when she was trying to come to terms with it and has gone back to her old ways to block it out.

You both need to grow up, sober up and stop acting like two selfish petulant children and get help. Your child should come first but is stuck in a family where his father is cheatng and his mother is a junkie. It doesn't take a genius to work out if you don't sort yourselves out the poor child will grow up with a lot of awful issues.

Please sort yourselves out.

anucksunamun

Wow, your both selfish bastards!! how many times do you have to be reminded that you have a child!! as a normal human being, your life should now be devoted firstly to that child, and secondly to making your relationship work.. stop purposely hurting your kid!! and just because you smoke your spilifs in the garage doesnt stop the fact your stoned!! looking after a baby stoned... charming!!! Do you realise that when your stoned your reaction times are completely slowed down.. what if your kid stopped breathing or hurt themself? you'd be a magnificent father then!

you make me physically sick!! please, do one good thing for your kid, give them to child services, at least they have a chance at happiness with a family who want and need them, and will devote themselves. then you can do whatever you like with your girlfriend! :mad:

jackdaw

downboy77 wrote: »

Yeah drugs are involved. At our peak before the baby we could blow 300stg a night on coke no probs. I've knocked it on the head now and now only smoke the odd spliff (in the garage i may add) but i can see her slipping back and demanding more money every week off me that i simply cant supply anymore.

What a great role model for your son ...

OrangeDaisy

that poor poor child!!! how unlucky is he to have parents who put sex and drugs ahead of his happiness.....you both need to grow up and cop on!!! I'm absolutely disgusted by this story and hope that poor child has the strength to rise above the crap beginning you've both given him

LolaLuv

I'd echo what everyone else has said about you two being selfish and ridiculous, but also add that I hope your wife isn't breastfeeding.

CDfm

jackdaw shouldnt that be roll-up model