New boyfriend, he doesn't talk to me

LegacyUser

Hi, going unreg'd for this one.

I've been seeing a very nice man the past few months... Whenever we're out I initiate the conversation about 95% of the time. And sometimes he doesn't continue the conversation, just sits there looking at me with what I would call a "judgmental" stare. It gets awkward for me when it's just us two and he doesn't talk to me. I enjoy silence, but when we're having a meal together in a nice restaurant and he's not talking to me, i can't help but feel there's some sort of reason! I've asked little questions here and there, I do everything (when i say everything i mean everything) i can to get a good conversation going. It's not like we've nothing in common because we do.. He won't do heart-to-heart conversations because he deems that as "depressing jargon" and so I sometimes feel as if I can't get to know him because of this. I've opened up on occasion to him (I had a rather difficult childhood in every sense of the word) but he never had a word to say, nor did he ask questions...
When we get back to his apartment his two roommates criticise me, the way i say things and the way i do things. He'll sit and laugh with them about for example the way I ask a question "...as a matter of interest..." was the last phrase they laughed at me about... I feel really small then, and feel so awkward that I just clam up and say nothing unless asked...


I'm at my wits end, I really like this person but I Cannot feel like i'm talking to a wall for the next few months! Does anyone have any advice?

ThE_IVIAcIVIAIV

i know people like your boyfriend, people that only answer what THEY want to answer and hear what they want to hear. it can be a serious problem if your a chatty person and hes not. it seems it is already causing concern for you as you are posting here. maybe he is not the man for you?

dr.bollocko

If you are incompatible on a level as basic as human communication now, a few months into a new relationship then it does not bode well.
I would suggest that you talk to him about it. I would also suggest that you don't have much to lose.

MagicMarker

date-talk-to-me wrote: »

Hi, going unreg'd for this one.

I've been seeing a very nice man the past few months... Whenever we're out I initiate the conversation about 95% of the time. And sometimes he doesn't continue the conversation, just sits there looking at me with what I would call a "judgmental" stare. It gets awkward for me when it's just us two and he doesn't talk to me. I enjoy silence, but when we're having a meal together in a nice restaurant and he's not talking to me, i can't help but feel there's some sort of reason! I've asked little questions here and there, I do everything (when i say everything i mean everything) i can to get a good conversation going. It's not like we've nothing in common because we do.. He won't do heart-to-heart conversations because he deems that as "depressing jargon" and so I sometimes feel as if I can't get to know him because of this. I've opened up on occasion to him (I had a rather difficult childhood in every sense of the word) but he never had a word to say, nor did he ask questions...
When we get back to his apartment his two roommates criticise me, the way i say things and the way i do things. He'll sit and laugh with them about for example the way I ask a question "...as a matter of interest..." was the last phrase they laughed at me about... I feel really small then, and feel so awkward that I just clam up and say nothing unless asked...


I'm at my wits end, I really like this person but I Cannot feel like i'm talking to a wall for the next few months! Does anyone have any advice?

Why do you like this guy? How could you like someone who never actually talks to you?

Why do you continue to see him?

Move on.

Curlypinkie

Oh dear, and you're still with him because? Come on girl, you can do so much better.
You're obviously an outgoing chatterbox and he's just a..... closed box. Hence, you two are not too compatible. And him laughing at you and your way of talking??? How horribly condescending, I would be hurt to! But I would not accept it. I think to continue to see him will prove a waste of time and he will certainly not do wonders for your ego.

You need someone that bounces back your chat and you'll see how much fun you will have!;)

MagicMarker

Maybe he's opting for the ''treat em mean'' approach? Either way, he sounds like a tosser and you only encourage him by staying with him.

Scoobydoobydoo

I'm sorry about this, and I know you really like him, but he doesn't sound like a very nice person. Just going by what you've said, I don't know who would want to be with someone like him, it sounds like hard work! Don't like the bit about messing with his friends at your expense either. If you've got so much silence at this early stage of your relationship, I would guess that you are very incompatible and that you are wasting your time with him. I know it's awful because you like him so much, but I think, given what you've said, maybe you should step back and ask yourself what exactly you do like about him, and be realistic. It's easy for me to say, but if I were you I would strongly consider nipping this relationship in the bud and move on to someone more worthy.
Good luck

dr.bollocko

I dont think that the guy sounds like a prick. Well I dont think that we can tell that so easily.
In ireland in particular, people will mistake those who are shy for those who are being rude. My point was not that the guy sounds like he may be an asshole, merely that you two sound completely incompatible.

Claire121

Eh, he doesn't sound like much of a 'boyfriend' to me. I never understood why people go out with people they can't talk to. I see so many couples in restaurants trying to make polite small talk or not talking at all - what's the point? I mean, he doesn't have to be chatting all day long, but how can you possibly know someone who never talks to you? You do know you don't have to go out with every man who looks at you? You sound totally incompatible. I've been out on dates with guys like that who haven't a thing to say for themselves and I just never call them back afterwards. I just can't be bothered with people like that. It's one thing to be shy with strangers, but you should open up to a boyfriend/girlfriend or at least talk on a first date out of common courtesy! I can talk about anything with my bf, we're together 2 years now and always have something to chat about. I remember a few weeks back in Elephant and Castle, the couple next to us were just sitting there and obviously listening to our conversation as they weren't having their own! It was really weird. And the fact your boyfriend makes fun of you with his mates, that's just mean. I honestly think you should ditch him, what's the point in being with him?

35notout

Life is too short and precious to waste it on somebody who does not appreciate you - and he obviously doesn't. If he sneers you in front of his friends then run away, never mind walk.

A boyfriend, as the name suggests, should be your friend, not a chore.

You sound like a confident cheery girl - go get someone better and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Fat Pie Lot

dr.bollocko wrote: »

If you are incompatible on a level as basic as human communication now, a few months into a new relationship then it does not bode well.
I would suggest that you talk to him about it. I would also suggest that you don't have much to lose.

This would echo my advice.

You need to sort this out now. If he's not prepared to talk about it, then you have to move on. At this point, you have to do what's best for you.

IRISH RAIL

Has anyone missed something he sits and laughs at her with his flatmates

op he treats you like dirt, get up leave and find a decent guy

Dizzyblonde

^+1

Go and find someone nicer.

jackbutler

its almost the same with me and my girlfriend as it is with you and your bf. She doesn't initiate conversations, i have to 95% of the time, but im very talkative, so im alright with starting conversations most of the time.

my gf is a shy girl though, and this guy doesnt seem too shy, so i think you out to tell him what you think, and that you dont care if he thinks its "depressing jargon", that he needs to take you seriously, and he needs to grow up.

but hey, its your relationship, my advice may be too straightforward and blunt.

nocal

After a few months even a shy guy would be able to open up to you and engage in conversation over dinner. I am curious as to who is the initiator of going out to a restaurant?
I think it comes down to "If he was really into you..." - the conversation would flow. He would love spending time with you, he would love to listen to you (even if he was not saying much back), and he would definitely not laugh at you when his flatmates started on you...in fact he would even stand up for you.

We only live once. Talk to this guy about this - if he does not shape up then it is time to move on. The rest of your life awaits!

How Strange

dr.bollocko wrote: »

I dont think that the guy sounds like a prick. Well I dont think that we can tell that so easily.
In ireland in particular, people will mistake those who are shy for those who are being rude. My point was not that the guy sounds like he may be an asshole, merely that you two sound completely incompatible.

I'd agree with you except that the OP says he sneers at her in front of his friends.

My OH was very shy when we started dating and yes it was unnerving and I tended to ramble on for hours rather than suffer a lull in conversation and an awkward silence but he came out of himself as the weeks went on.

But the sneering is the deal breaker. That really isn't a good omen for a healthy future relationship.

OP, I'd say you're not compatible as a couple so put it down to experience and move on.

LegacyUser

I don't understand how you can go out with someone who doesn't communicate. Where's the fun? Where's the enjoyment?

Struggling for conversation is horrendous - I've been out with gf's thinking "what's wrong with me?" "why aren't they getting my jokes?" , "why aren't they listneing to this story which other people have found funny?"

I remember seeing older couples in restaurants who look like they've run out of things to talk about and just do not want to be in that situation - certainly not in the early stages of a relationship.

I guess that's why having a similar sense of humour/level of chatiness/interests/outlook on life are important - to me anyway.

Communication surely is the key to any good relationship.

What exactly do you like about this guy?

CDfm

He doesnt sound like Mr McDreamy thats for sure he may be Mr McFarmer.
may be he is just overawed and tongue tied in a Patrick Kavanagh sort of way

dinner in a resteraunt can be a bit daunting for the inexperienced - and he sounds that on lots of levels.That doesnt mean he is not a nice guy. Maybe not sophisticated in a " Ill get the tickets and you buy the sweets way"

maybe you could do other things like go greyhound racing or horseracing - going over the form together in a muddy field - or go to a rally circus or funfair. Close and intimate.

RossFixxxed

I actually wrote a long reply to this and deleted it, I'm going to put it blunt and clear.

1) If his flat mates laugh at you etc. then what do they say when you're not there and more importantly what does HE say?

2) If you can't talk to him and feel small and judged, DUMP HIM.


It's that simple, move on there are WAY nicer guys out there who will be more compatible.

I'm a grouchy, angry, depressive shut in myself but my GF and myself often end up in fits of giggles and have loads of fun and chats... That's how it should be.

Best of luck OP.

Ross

SpookyDoll

You say he's a "nice man" and you like him..........er.....why?

He sounds like a [EMAIL="tw@t"]tw@t[/EMAIL], sitting there silently judging everything you say and then openly ridiculing you with his flatmates.....cant you see this is wrong?

Also, Im questioning whats going on in his head, going out with a woman he obviously has no respect for, he seems emotionally sadistic if you ask me.

missmatty

SpookyDoll wrote: »

You say he's a "nice man" and you like him..........er.....why?

He sounds like a [EMAIL="tw@t"]tw@t[/EMAIL], sitting there silently judging everything you say and then openly ridiculing you with his flatmates.....cant you see this is wrong?

Also, Im questioning whats going on in his head, going out with a woman he obviously has no respect for, he seems emotionally sadistic if you ask me.

+1 for the above. I'd also think the OP should examine her own self-esteem cos this really doesn't look too good at all. Why on GOD'S SWEET EARTH would anyone want to go out with someone like this?

05D

I would ignore him for a while . Let him do the chasing for a bit and I would tell those mates of his to get a life!

seamus

I'm not a big talker, but FFS if someone is starting a conversation with me, I'll respond and do my best to keep the thing going.

As others have said, you're not exactly painting this guy with any redeeming features; He sits there and doesn't respond to you when you're talking to him, he gives you looks of disapproval without saying anything, and then joins in when his mates slag you (laughing with bullies is as bad as bullying itself). What exactly about him makes him a "nice guy"?

Move on and find someone with a few more brain cells. I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship.

LegacyUser

I know some posters are saying it is too extreme for shyness, but

- It would explain the lack of convesation.

- Also, the easiest jokes to make are at the expense of others so his flatmates are probably just pricks. Maybe he just laughs with them to appear sociable, although after a few months he should have stopped the 'present yourself as really cool' thing - i.e. he doesnt agree with it and just plays along with it in a display of 'look at me being all interactive'. In fact his flatmates (being pricks) may even laugh at him when your not there which may even explain some of the self confidence issues, e.g. try to imagine a kidwho gets bullied seeing school bully giving someone else trouble - he may join in out of fear of getting trouble himself.

- Your post makes him seem inexperienced with women i.e. can't talk to them etc... he may not have copped that it isn't funny to laugh at you OR you know how people say that if a little boy teases a little girl, it means he likes her? well that basically.

- Also, if it doesn't appear that he is shy with the flatmates, bear in mind that it may be because of them being male too. (ties in with above point)

- And remember, you have debated this in your head before and it may have snowballed into a bigger issue in your head because of all the thinking you did on it - causing you to paint a pretty bad picture of him here. This and the fact that you didn't say how he is nice makes the people replying think he is a prick and thus their advice is maybe a bit harsh.

So, when deciding on a course of action, I hope you'll take this into account and when deciding what to do remember that you had a reason to like him at first and even when this issue was bothering you, you still described him as really nice.

Good Luck

Aurora Borealis

Sorry to be blunt but if ye can't talk then you can't go out.
Conversation is the very basis for a relationship.

Wurly

date-talk-to-me wrote: »

Hi, going unreg'd for this one.

I've been seeing a very nice man the past few months...

Well if that's the case, i'd hate to see what you would deem as not a nice man.

He laughs when his housemates slag you...

He doesn't talk to you...

He's not making any effort...

Yeah, sounds like a keeper alright!

You say that you feel really small and won't talk unless asked. Someone who supposedly cares about you would NEVER make you feel that way. And you should NEVER shrink yourself to facilitate this kind of crap.

Seriously, is this what you think a nice man does??

ntlbell

Tri wrote: »

Well if that's the case, i'd hate to see what you would deem as not a nice man.

He laughs when his housemates slag you...

He doesn't talk to you...

He's not making any effort...

Yeah, sounds like a keeper alright!

You say that you feel really small and won't talk unless asked. Someone who supposedly cares about you would NEVER make you feel that way. And you should NEVER shrink yourself to facilitate this kind of crap.

Seriously, is this what you think a nice man does??

spot on, Why are you even considering staying or dating this guy?

This guy is abslotuley obnoxious!

Life is far far too short find someone who loves the things you say and can't wait to spend time with you to talk to you and share his life with you.

This guy is a social and emotional retard.

trio

You are a complete mis-match.

Chalk this one up to experience, but end the relationship. It's a dissatisfying one.

Who taught you that relationships need to be such WORK? The best relationships need a bit of tending, to be sure, but you shouldn't be sweating bullets trying to make conversation. Relationships should be a hell of a lot easier than what you're experiencing.

You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. There's no point in it, and certainly no future.

Actually, it's a good learning experience. Now you're starting to formulate a list of what you need in a guy. You need a decent talker.

Get out there and find one. I like to talk and I found myself an equal talker, and it's great crack.

deathstarkiller

I'm a fairly shy guy but if someone starts up a conversation I'll try to keep it going especially if it's someone I'm interested in.
The thing I can't understand is if his friends think it's ok to laugh and slag his girlfriend then I'm sorry but they're @ssholes and if he thinks it's ok he's a bigger one.

Move on.
You can do better I'm sure.

CDfm

I am a guy and have been around but its years since I shared accomadation.

On the friends.This is kind of sniggering is teenage girl stuff so compliment him and them on how modern he is sharing with these openly gay guys. Tell him you like that he has gay friends.

I know this sounds shallow but the odd " thats so gay" comment to their witty banter and to a young guy is the ultimate put down. You sound sensitive and have to be a bit more streetwise.

Parsley

Get the f*ck out of dodge tbh.

Roisin89

MagicMarker wrote: »

Maybe he's opting for the ''treat em mean'' approach? Either way, he sounds like a tosser and you only encourage him by staying with him.

I agree totally. I also don't really understand how you can like him when he does all that to you?

Latchy

OP you'll only die of bordom whlie he indulges his joe cool act on you .

Next stagecoach out of dodge tbh

LegacyUser

....Thank you very much to all of you who replied to my poster, I had no idea i'd have generated such a vast support network through this!

In response to some questions, he was very sweet at times doing little things, but those soon faded when the label "girlfriend" got slapped on my head..

We had an energy between us (the flirtatious thing, eye contact, smiling etc etc...) But as soon as we got together as an official couple he became stern..

The thing with his flatmates really I thought it was a way for him to see if I was strong but then, who plays those kinds of mind games?! Peoples' opinions on here really opened my eyes to that..

Well I have spent the day at work thinking it over (and smoking two cigarettes over it too mind, i'm not a smoker at all but it helped somewhat!)... And I am going to talk over the main issues with him before going for the "red card". I'll make the problem clear (so then he'll learn from his mistakes maybe, if he opens his mind slightly...) And then if he doesn't suggest/agree/listen, it's my cue to walk, although I am considering just talking it over and finishing the relationship with the end of conversation... Again many many thanks to those who replied and helped me see the light... I can write up again to let you know how i get on...

Thank you again all of you , especially those who gave me the blunt black-or-white answers!

Peleus

tell the flatmates to go fu*k eachother. The guy you're going out with is clearly very nervous and shy. I'd say he really likes you and thats why he's so shy.

LolaLuv

The longer you date him, the longer you'll be angry with yourself when it finally ends.

LadyE

PillyPen wrote: »

The longer you date him, the longer you'll be angry with yourself when it finally ends.

I totally agree.

Velvet Vocals

Any update on this? how did it go? did you talk to him? did he see the error of his ways or still just a silent pr*ck?

homerjay2005

to me, he sounds like he is unsecure and nervous, yet acting like a twat. maybe there is something thats eating away at him? a death/previous bad relationship etc etc?

im normally one to give people a chance and rearely tell people on here to move on, but get rid i would think now, as you will do it further down the line anyway. the fact that he rips the pi*s in front of his mates would be my main reason if i was you.