Family issues- long and boring!

Phoenix_Rising

Bit of advice needed regarding my OHs family.

Now, as background, my oH has a drink problem. Thankfully he is in recovery. His rock bottom came last Christmas and his family became aware of his drink problem at that time. they would have suspected before, but not known - if you know what i mean. Anyway, he felt hugely embarrassed afterwards and found it hard to face his family because of shame.

Anyway, things were going reasonably well for a few months. He went on a treatment course, which was very hard work, and i felt his family werent that supportive of him during that time. Never rang to see how he was getting on etc. Then his mother rang him on day after he and i had been at their beach house for the weekend, to tell him that she thought that he didnt clean the place properly before leaving it. He got really offended by this, mainly because he felt that he had done his best to clean before leaving and also bcause he felt that if his family couldnt be bothered to ring him to find out how treatment was going that this was a really petty reason to ring. Anyway, the upshot was that he and i avoided the beach house for the summer. We went there once for a party bt not at all apart from that. His parents rang him a few times and he did not ring them at all. I think he is generally uncomfortable in the company of his parents and that this incident just made him not want to contact them at all.

His father met him yesterday to say that his parents feel that they are losing all contact with him and that the are upset by this and that they want things to either change or for him to decide that he doesnt want them in his life anymore.

I think it is all a bit dramatic, but im at a loss as my family works on a completely different dynamic ( big riw, quick forgiveness type of thing!) so i dont know if this is normal in other families.

Is it normal for parents to demand driendship from their adult children? Can these things be saved once people start avoiding each other?

Phoenix_Rising

Ok - maybe i shouldnt have put "really long and boring" in the thread title!

Karen_*

Your OH has a drink problem which he's trying to sort. Perhaps his parents feel uncomfortable bringing it up everytime they call him and indeed he himself feels awkward around them because of it. so its not talked about directly. Not unusual at all especially in families. The elephant in the corner of the room and all that.

He doesn't ring him but they ring him and sometimes gripe about silly things while not mentioning his recovery. Thats totally normal. And they love him even though they don't say it and they don't ask about specifics of what's going on in his life. So they notice he doesn't contact them and bring up their worries to him because they don't want to lose him.. He is their son after all.

He needs to make a bit more effort with them. Its going to be part of his recovery to build bridges and make amends and I daresay everyone got hurt. He needs to stop avoiding them. He's running away from the problems and not facing thing. Maybe because he's feeling fragile but if you dig deeper into the families petty phone calls they are actually reaching out to him and keeping the contact going. Meet them half way.

Suzyq

Karen_* wrote: »

Your OH has a drink problem which he's trying to sort. Perhaps his parents feel uncomfortable bringing it up everytime they call him and indeed he himself feels awkward around them because of it. so its not talked about directly. Not unusual at all especially in families. The elephant in the corner of the room and all that.

He doesn't ring him but they ring him and sometimes gripe about silly things while not mentioning his recovery. Thats totally normal. And they love him even though they don't say it and they don't ask about specifics of what's going on in his life. So they notice he doesn't contact them and bring up their worries to him because they don't want to lose him.. He is their son after all.

He needs to make a bit more effort with them. Its going to be part of his recovery to build bridges and make amends and I daresay everyone got hurt. He needs to stop avoiding them. He's running away from the problems and not facing thing. Maybe because he's feeling fragile but if you dig deeper into the families petty phone calls they are actually reaching out to him and keeping the contact going. Meet them half way.

I agree with all of the above, from reading the OPs post I felt that the parents were reaching out to their son but that he wasn't prepared to let go of his annoyance/upset over his perception of their behaviour while he was undergoing treatment. His parents have their reasons for that and he needs to talk to them to find out what they are. They seem to be opening the lines of communication so he should meet them half-way.

Dizzyblonde

In my opinion your OH needs to sit and talk to his parents to find out why they didn't contact him during his treatment - maybe they felt it wouldn't help his recovery? Then he'll have a better idea of where he stands and whether he's been overreacting. Cutting himself off from his parents won't do any good, he probably has unresolved issues he needs to get out into the open with them.
If he can't do it face to face, try to get him to write them a letter. Sometimes it can be easy to feel our family have deserted us and everything they do seems to have a negative side to it when we feel like that. Clearing the air would be good.

mazcon

I would suggest for all of you effected by your OHs drinking to attend Alanon meetings. This will have a very positive effect on the family dynamic and help everyone to take responsibility for their own behaviour. The fact that your OH felt unsupported by his family of origin while in treatment is important and he needs to be allowed to address this with them. There has obviously been a lot of hurt in your family resulting from your OHs drinking and you all need help to move on and help him in his recovery.

Beruthiel

Phoenix_Rising wrote: »

His father met him yesterday to say that his parents feel that they are losing all contact with him and that the are upset by this and that they want things to either change or for him to decide that he doesnt want them in his life anymore.

Talk about going OTT.
What did your b/f say to his Da in response to that?

He should meet up with his parents and tell them how he feels. They won't know otherwise and will just start making things up in their heads.

Phoenix_Rising

Beruthiel wrote: »

Talk about going OTT.
What did your b/f say to his Da in response to that?

He should meet up with his parents and tell them how he feels. They won't know otherwise and will just start making things up in their heads.

Thats what i thought too!

We are meant to be going for dinner with them next week and i thought that if that went well then we could try and set up another meeting after that for coffee or something.

I just dont think that a big "you have to talk to us more or decide to be estranged" thing is very helpful. I also dont think that you can force closeness on someone if they dont feel it. And at the moment my OH does not feel like confiding in his parents.

maryjmul

Phoenix_Rising wrote: »

Bit of advice needed regarding my OHs family.

Now, as background, my oH has a drink problem. Thankfully he is in recovery. His rock bottom came last Christmas and his family became aware of his drink problem at that time. they would have suspected before, but not known - if you know what i mean. Anyway, he felt hugely embarrassed afterwards and found it hard to face his family because of shame.

Anyway, things were going reasonably well for a few months. He went on a treatment course, which was very hard work, and i felt his family werent that supportive of him during that time. Never rang to see how he was getting on etc. Then his mother rang him on day after he and i had been at their beach house for the weekend, to tell him that she thought that he didnt clean the place properly before leaving it. He got really offended by this, mainly because he felt that he had done his best to clean before leaving and also bcause he felt that if his family couldnt be bothered to ring him to find out how treatment was going that this was a really petty reason to ring. Anyway, the upshot was that he and i avoided the beach house for the summer. We went there once for a party bt not at all apart from that. His parents rang him a few times and he did not ring them at all. I think he is generally uncomfortable in the company of his parents and that this incident just made him not want to contact them at all.

His father met him yesterday to say that his parents feel that they are losing all contact with him and that the are upset by this and that they want things to either change or for him to decide that he doesnt want them in his life anymore.

I think it is all a bit dramatic, but im at a loss as my family works on a completely different dynamic ( big riw, quick forgiveness type of thing!) so i dont know if this is normal in other families.

Is it normal for parents to demand driendship from their adult children? Can these things be saved once people start avoiding each other?

Its obvious your OH's family do care ,your OH is still battling mentally and any decisions he makes now may not be with a clear head so the only advice i will give you is for you to stay out of it and whatever you do don't make disparaging remarks about them,afterall they are his family,the reason i say this is i was once in the middle of something similar and before i knew it i was getting the blame from both sides My Oh and his family ,my advice just listen to his rants and any advice you give make it positive good luck