Am I that bad for thinking about this?

Tribesman32

Ok, I'm not usually one for asking advice or opinions on an internet board, but reckon why not. Probably need a wake up call or maybe even some backup. This is the situation. I am 32 and living in Galway with my girlfriend and our three year old daughter. Have a good job, nice house, unbelievably nice, loyal girlfriend and a beautiful and funny daughter. However, my head is wrecked beyond belief. I am so unhappy it is untrue. I do not want to be in this relationship and I do not want to be in this country. The only thing holding me back is my kid. I just have to get out of this situation but I am so afraid of upsetting the whole thing. I have tried to walk away before but could not do it with the guilt. I know I sound like a spoilt brat considering my situation compared to others, but I cannot help it. I just am not in love with my gf and while it would be WAY easier to stay in my situation, I just cannot pretend. If its not there its not there.
The thing is that I have never really grown up and feel I need to get a lot of stuff out of my system. Would really have loved to have travelled a bit but obviously it didn't happen. I am so depressed in this country and really need some time out. What I want to know is, am I really that bad for considering splitting up with my gf and perhaps travelling in a year or so for about four months just to sort my head out. Would a good father even consider not seeing his child for a few months unless it is absolutely necessary. Or am I a complete toerag and acting like a child?
Sorry for being so longwinded.

dubsgirl

Hi Tribesman

How long have you been feeling like this? It could be just a passing phase. You know sometimes the grass is always greener and all that. Sometimes when your in a relationship for a long time especially when you have a young child all romance can go. I would say that nearly all people in really long term relationships feel like this at some stage or another. This is the fact, usually when the whole excitment feels like it's gone this is then when the committment needs to kick in.

Believe me it may look great craic to be out spreading your wild oats at the moment but you can guarantee that a lot of people that are doing that are only looking for what you have...

Tribesman32

Hi,
Feeling like this about two years or so. Its not that I want to just go off and be with other people. I just am not in love with her and never will be. Just not there for me. Very complicated and very messy, but what I really wondering is if it would be that bad to go off and leave my daughter for a few months.

dubsgirl

Its a very tough one that only you can really answer. But for what its worth I think for your childs sake it would be very hard to take her daddy moving out and her not seeing him for so long. Maybe if you feel that it's right to split up with your gf go ahead but don't go travelling until she's a bit older? Until she's comfortable with the fact that Mam & Dad don't live together anymore?


I sympathise that it's a pretty hard situation to be in but probably harder to be in your girlfriends shoes to be honest.

LegacyUser

Travelling won't help you to grow up - you're away with no responsibilities, no work and loads of free times to sit around and do nothing. Believe me, I've done about 4 years of it and at 35, it never helped me grow up. But, it did help me put many things off. (Not that I regret being away and seeing things and making friends and realising that there is more to life than work - but, I always new that anyway).

If you don't love your gf that's one thing, heading off travelling is another.

What do you need to get out of your system? Do you just want to get away or is there a goal to your travelling?

Is it the need to meet new people or shag other women? To see new things and places? or just to get some sun? or to get away from your life?

Why not just zip off for a couple of weeks on a break for yourself - bring some books, figure it out, come back with a fresh head on you.

SpookyDoll

Thats a very difficult situation OP.

I think the most pertinent sentance in your whole post is "I just am not in love with my gf and while it would be WAY easier to stay in my situation, I just cannot pretend. If its not there its not there. "

All too often people stay together for the sake of the children and from what I hear from those children when they grow up -they seem to say they would have preferred two happy households than one unhappy one....

I understand the issue is not just that straightforward though, I know its also about you contemplating changing from seeing your daughter every day to becoming a "part time Dad" -that is one heavy decision to make.

From your girlfriends point of view though, I dont think its right to stay with someone you are not "in love" with. Is she aware of how you feel?

Miss Fluff

Have you discussed this with your GF? Does she have any idea you feel this way or does she think everything is great between you?

LegacyUser

Take it from someone who was the child, you will mess up your daughter's future relationships with men, possibly forever, if you leave. She will have to come to terms with why her father left, and will always wonder if men in her life will leave, and why.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that is what happened to me. My father needed to "get out" of our family when I was very young and it has seriously affected both me, and my siblings with regards to our security with partners. Do not underestimate your effect as a parent, you both are the benchmark that a child will look upon/assume is the right way.

Would seeing your gf in a new light help things? What about it all three of you moved, started a new life somewhere?

Or, put it this way, would you be happier and feel like you're growing up more if your girlfriend decided that she wanted out of the relationship and left you with your daughter on her own? You certainly wouldn't be out travelling, sowing your wild oats anywhere.

Yes, it is selfish to think about just heading off travelling, etc. You are a parent. Unfortunately, when you become a parent, your first priority is your child, your own life takes second place.

missyb

Hey you definitely sound like you at the end of a relationship but you absolutely need to talk to your girlfirend and at least get it out in the open, who knows she might be feeling the same thing? At least get it off your chest how unhappy you are in the relationship, she can talk to you and understand in a way nobody here can.
As regards leaving your kid, I do think its selfish, maybe get away for a couple of weeks and clear your head, make some decisions, but heading off for a few months, leaving your girlfirend(while she deals with a break up she may or may not really want, ) or family members with your responsibility like that is selfish. Dont think for one second your daughter doesnt need you and wont notice your absence, your relationship may feel like its over but you are a dad first and foremost. You will be surprised what kids remember from a very young age, any potential break up of the relationship between you and her mum will be hard enough for her regardless of age, she is your priority,being a parent means compromise, and so you cant live the selfish life of a 20 year old and run away, maybe take a couple of weeks to clear you head but your a dad and if taken seriously ,that involves a level of sacrifice for your kids best interests.

sinnerboy

The thread title implies it . You have one foot out the door and you are looking for the ok to leg it entirely .

Think again . 30 is a mind wreck age . Typically we re assess our lives then . College years long gone . Career path ... mapped out . Not where I wanted to be . All typical reflections .

A 3 year old kid - cool . Sex life , nose dive total turning upside down of your life as you knew it . Your child is 3 and you have been feeling like this for 2 years . Definite link .

Can you have your little girl minded for a weekend , a better still a week - a take off for a break with the gf for the dirtiest sex you can both imagine . You created that little life together so the pieces must fit . It is very important to let gf in on this plan - establish that she is "up for it" - don't "surprise" her .

Don't do a Dorothy and find out you never needed to leave home in the first place .

Talk to her . don't bottle up . Whats the worst thing that may follow ? If you break up - well you have that impulse any how so whats to be afraid of then .

But maybe , just maybe ( after some pain admittedly ) you will open a new dawn in your ( 3 ) lives

Karen_*

Well put it like this: is it an option for your girlfriend to just decide to go travelling leaving you and the child behind? What would everyone think of her?

Fair enough you're not in love and you should end it. The situation isn't fair on you or her. But since she can't just go off and get things out of her system then neither should you.

tobiesheba

I think if you're so unhappy you need to split up with your girlfriend. Kids will always sense their parents unhappiness and as one poster said many people who have grown up in unhappy households would have preferred for their parents to split.

However, I wouldn't advise going travelling at the minute. You're daughter is probably too young to comprehend time. So one day she sees her daddy everyday and then he simply disappears. Not good.

I think if you're a relationship with a woman that you don't love that finishing that will make a huge difference to your frame of mind. You might find that you're happier in yourself and actually don't have the same inclination to take off.

IanCurtis

Talk to your girlfriend, that's whats she's there for. What's going on with this generation when having a baby with someone leads to this?

Sit down with the mother of your child and talk, you don't need an internet forum to tell you that - this isn't "what's the best RAM to buy"

For everyone else without children, read my signature.

SnowMonkey

it doesnt sound like your depressed it sounds like you wanna run away and be free again, which is farely gutless....IMO....

I think you need to look at it this way, uve got a kid who love's you and a gf who loves you more then likely and your thinking of your self boo hoo you choise to have sex with out protection and this is what has come about its ironic the fact that 30 mins pleasure can affect the rest of your life but people dont see it like that......

what i would say is man up you made a misstake now get on with it serously dude youve got a kid just because things arnt going your way, you think its fare that you jump ship and leave the bull **** to the missous that selfish irespnsable and just plain low lifeness...

You need to except resonasbility of your actions and stop oh my life is depressing, start buy doing something with your life maybe make an attempt a recindeling your releationship.... ...