Toilet Annoyances

joejoem

I was having a temper tantrum earlier while bursting to go for a piddleytiss and the list of things that annoy me about toilets started to gather in my head....

1) For men, a toilet seat which will not stay up. The result of this is either piss all over the seat, squat and have a lazy pee or try to hold the seat up with your foot while aiming for the bowl....

2) Hand Dryers. These things seem to find me invisible, they work after a few seconds of trying to activate the sensor and then go off. Cue trying to wave underneath at different speeds... Nothing. Try waving one hand at the back under the sensor and then drying the other hand.... Then just wipe your hands in your pants and walk out.

3) Doors that you push on the way in and pull to walk out. Grrrrrrrrrr. For gods sake, you walk in with dirty hands, you touch your dangleys (or worse) and then wash your hands (or see point 4), then you have to put your hands on a door handle which "mank bags" (point 4) have been using!!!!

4) Mank Bags - Your washing your hands.... as you look into the mirror you notice the aforementioned "mank bag" walking out of the wc, (possibly after listening to something as traumatic as the dirty squirties) and opening the toilet door to go back into the venue/bar. Now, your nice clean hands which have to touch your face, food, pint or whatever are covered in his germs...

5) Cock Eyed Pissers - You dash to the loo, dying for an oop, you find an empty cubicle, close the door, turn to face a toilet seat and cubicle floor that looks like Carlow Main Street (Flooded). Jesus lads, watch your aim. Go for the water, your not trying to put out a fire.

6) The Gentlemen Attendants - Ok, I've been in this bar since 6, its now 10 but that doesnt mean I have lost the ability to wash my own hands. I would love to see a survey made about the amount of people who abstain from washing their hands to avoid the peer pressure of having to pay the G.A. And no, I do not need more aftershave.

7) Toilet Best Buddy - Much drunker than you are, great fun to listen to if he / she is talking to someone else and a few feet from you. But if you end up pissing beside this fella, he stumbles into the cubicle, whips out Captain Winkie and then leans over to you, looks down, looks up at your face and starts an introduction with his harry johnson in one hand as he tries to shake your hand with his other. There is no getting away from this guy as he tells you the story of his night so far.

8) When the queue is massive, people who hang inside the door having a chat as you stand redfaced outside....

Anyway, I should get back to work..... Add your own...


Oh, your ma.

phasers

I bring boxes of latex gloves everywhere I go to avoid all of these problems

Degsy

Earth calling FlutterinBantam...come in FlutterinBantam

LuckyBleeder

I hate when i **** meself 'coz somebodys havin a **** in the cubicle!!!!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

So glad I'm a girl, but I will add: girls giving you evils when you manouevre past them to get to the sink to wash your freakin hands, as if to imply you should just wait out the ten to fifteen minutes it takes them to pouf their hair, adjust their tits, put their face on and cover themselves in ****ing awful perfume. I've a drink to get back to girls, the sink is for washing hands not whoring yourselves up, so feck off

Smart Bug

I hate guys who sing while they p!ss. F*kkin weirdos.

joejoem

Rashad Flabby Plan wrote: »

adjust their tits

That made my testicles move.

Smart Bug

Rashad Flabby Plan wrote: »

adjust their tits,

Do they really do that? Wouldn't mind being a Gentlemans (Ladies) Attendant...

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

joejoem wrote: »

That made my testicles move.

.....hurrah?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Smart Bug wrote: »

Do they really do that? Wouldn't mind being a Gentlemans (Ladies) Attendant...

Yes, I think it's something to do with padded bras or chicken fillets or tootight tops, they have to be...squdged around a bit or something.

joejoem

Rashad Flabby Plan wrote: »

.....hurrah?

Thats exactly what my testicles said.

joejoem

Rashad Flabby Plan wrote: »

Yes, I think it's something to do with tootight tops, they have to be...squdged around a bit or something.

"Hurrah!!!"


"Quiet boys..."

Smart Bug

Oh god. I'm goin to the ladies right now. I can do a fairly good impression of a mirror.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Somebody better tell me lads practice kissing in the jacks soon or I'm going to feel like ye got the better side of the deal here:mad:

Jigsaw

Hateful whenever you're really needing to crimp off a length. You tear into the toilet and there is sh1te all over the toilet seat. There is a bar in Belfast and virtually every time I go for a good turd there is sh1te no the seat. I mean, how does that happen?

Smart Bug

Not just kissing...


Ugh, gave myself the shudders there.

dee8839

Girls who edge past you, as you stand dancing with jitters from one foot to another in a massive queue, saying they're just going in to use the mirror, and then swiftly dip into the next free cubicle, usually with two of their friends giggling and a nagon of vodka badly concealed in their fake designer handbag.

I hate you.

Oh, and Ladies Attendents who say nothing but stare at you as you wash your hands, then wave a wad of paper in front of your face when you're finished and stare some more until you give them a euro. And then they stare at the collection plate and then stare back at you again, with an accusatory glare meaning "Cheap b*tch!".

Take a picture it lasts longer.:mad:

joejoem

Rashad Flabby Plan wrote: »

Somebody better tell me lads practice kissing in the jacks soon or I'm going to feel like ye got the better side of the deal here:mad:

You'd have to buy the fella a drink first.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Smart Bug wrote: »

Not just kissing...


Ugh, gave myself the shudders there.

me too but in a good way :pac:

joejoem wrote: »

You'd have to buy the fella a drink first.

Not worth it....

Steve_o

Jigsaw wrote: »

Hateful whenever you're really needing to crimp off a length. You tear into the toilet and there is sh1te all over the toilet seat. There is a bar in Belfast and virtually every time I go for a good turd there is sh1te no the seat. I mean, how does that happen?

Different gravity up North??

Smart Bug

Steve_o wrote: »

Different gravity up North??

Toilet salmon.

seamus

Guys who wander into a urinal, off their face, then squeeze into the spot which you and the guy beside you purposely left too small for anyone with any dignity to try and squeeze into. Then he whips out his lad and pisses perfectly horizontally at full pelt against the ceramic, spraying anyone in a ten foot radius with his piss.

Also, people who pebble dash a toilet and then don't bother whipping out the toilet brush. Or even worse, just stuff the toilet with paper to hide their shame and then are too pussy to flush it in case it blocks.

antodeco

I hate those attendants. Piss me off. I always put money in and ask for change. FFS if I wanted to smell of cheap aftershave, Id wander across the dancefloor.

Always remember the time I got sick on the ground and the attendant came over to me saying "no no Ill clean it". I was like "**** ya will (more slurred in fairness) and progressed to clean it up with tissue).

I also hate when people seem to create snot brail for the blind on the wall. Rather then using markers, they empty the contents of their nose to leave stevie wonder a message.

Smart Bug

The person who took a shat in the sink of a portaloo at EP last year.

Clean, virgin portaloo and that b*st*rd had to go & shat in the sink.

joejoem

antodeco wrote: »

I also hate when people seem to create snot brail for the blind on the wall. Rather then using markers, they empty the contents of their nose to leave stevie wonder a message.

This annoys the piss out of me (no pun intended)

JerryHandbag

Smart Bug wrote: »

I hate guys who sing while they p!ss. F*kkin weirdos.

Or worse again, those buggers that give you a running (bad pun) commentary on the lifecycle of a bowel movement....."Cmon cmon, grunt grunt, cmon out or that..etc etc..."

That character should be whipped when vacating the cubicle. Gunther, I call him. Gunther the grunter.

PurpleBerry

Jigsaw wrote: »

There is a bar in Belfast and virtually every time I go for a good turd there is sh1te on the seat. I mean, how does that happen?

It's the same one, no-one has bothered to remove it.

FlutterinBantam

There I was in a pub jacks in Daingean a few years ago,when in bursts this 42/25 pikey geezer with the jersey and no shirt, and the three creases in the back of the neck,and the scrubbing brush haircut.

He waddled to the cubo ,door left wide open,and with one hand undid the belt exposing a battleship grey set of kex,which obviously had fallen into a plate of liver,pulled down the waistband,one boot on the cistern and one on the floor and preceded by a slight flex of the knee,unloaded gouts of nutty scutther for what seemed 10-15 secs.

I was frozen at the hand dryer,when he upped the "kex",then the trousers,no flush,no hand wash ,straight out.
I examined the ullage and she looked like fcukin spilled chum bucket.

Worst of all was when I went out,there he was ,eating a burger out of his hands!!!!

jaysus!!