one night stands

LegacyUser

my long-term girlfriend has just told me she had many one night stands before we met.i know that people will say that was in the past but it still upsets me. i thought she was someone who had respect for herself and put importance on things like making love etc. Am I just old fashioned. is this the norm or is it unusual behaviour

Wibbs

Well as you say the general answer is it's in the past. I think it's the right one too. In fact I would look at it this way; if she's had a fair few lovers and one nighters in the past, yet chooses to stay with me, then I must be doing something right, inside and outside the bedroom.

Aurora Borealis

Have commented on this type of thing many times. Your girlfiend is the sum of her past experiences and you obviously like who she is right now so relax you're not dating her former self. She is with you now and that does not mean she's going to leap into bed with all and sundry. The past is in the past. Enjoy your present.

eveie

this is why these things should never be discussed in a relationships it just brinmgs nothing but trouble.
ok i can understand how you feel but why change your opinion of her now??? you say long term gf so you obvioulsy know her very well, why judge her on past decisions that she posiible regrets and even if she doesnt i dont think it should matter. just becuase she had a few one night stands dos not mean that she feels theres no importance in love making in fact you could argue that its even more special to her because shes felt the emptyness of one night stands.
dont over think about it, she is with you isnt she? none of us are without fault dont judge her on this piece of new information judge her as the person you love

stovelid

glenmalure wrote: »

my long-term girlfriend has just told me she had many one night stands before we met.i know that people will say that was in the past but it still upsets me. i thought she was someone who had respect for herself and put importance on things like making love etc. Am I just old fashioned. is this the norm or is it unusual behaviour

She's with you now, which is what matters. Women are often judged harshly for sexual records that would simply be a source of pride for lads. That she has chosen to risk your judgment means that she obviously cares about you. You should see that, rather than judging her on a supposed lack of 'respect' for herself.

Sometimes, if you won't like what you are going to hear about her past, just don't ask.

Wurly

OP, who are you to judge your ex girlfriend on what she did in her past?

So, if you have one night stands in the past, that means you have no self respect? Jesus, that must mean mine is at rock bottom altogether.

I would echo what Wibbs said above tbh.

Judging others is a horrible trait. Don't be one of those people. No-one is perfect. Not even you. Would you like to be judged on some aspect of your past? Maybe on something you did that you now regret? Do you think that's fair?

If you care for this girl, you will accept her past and be grateful to her for sharing it with you. She could have just said nothing.

Rayven199

I know how you feel, I feel kind of the same about my boyfriends past! Its true that the past is the past, but that doesnt change how I feel about it. We are together over two years and it still does bother me but its not fair to judge your partner on things they have done in tha past.

You just have to get used to it and learn to live with it and what I keep thinking is that its their loss and I have this great person. And at the end of the day it was all these past expierences that eventually led them to you so feel grateful for that!

Daithi McGee

OP The past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it. If there is, I would like to know how as there are a few things I'd like to go back and change. But leaving that aside if you love her you should be able to get over it. Never understood why people like to enquire about each others past sex lives tbh as most people can not really handle the truth when it was not what they wanted to here. I would advise STD test all round too. As the other have said judging other on their past is not right.

Dragan

glenmalure wrote: »

my long-term girlfriend has just told me she had many one night stands before we met.i know that people will say that was in the past but it still upsets me. i thought she was someone who had respect for herself and put importance on things like making love etc. Am I just old fashioned. is this the norm or is it unusual behaviour

Hmmmmm, first off just because a lass has had some one night stands does not mean she doesn't respect herself.

Secondly, the fact that as a male you used the term "making love" would lead me to believe that you are maybe the overly romantic type? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that either this lass is your first, or in the very low single digits for you.

Look mate, its about as simple as decided exactly how much importance you want to place on this. If you decide you need a lass who has been a bit quieter then you need to go out and find yourself one.

Subconciously holding this against your girlfriend is unfair, she'll never live up to the standards you have in your head. I would suggest you decide if you can be happy with this lass for who she is, not for who you want her to be.

Either way, a lot of this thinking is going to be a throwback to other times. Male dominace means that subconciously you might be hung up on other people have carnal knowledge of your girlfriend when your own knowledge outside of the realtionship may be limited.

It's time to kick the brain into a higher gear and realise that these fears are false ones.

Anti

What does her having many one night stands have to do with not having respect for herself ? This isnt the 1930's. As long as she used protection and knew what she was doing i see no problem.

05D

Have you never had a one night stand?


I had a few in my life time. I'm with my OH 2 yrs now and wouldn't dream of being with anyone else.

also IMO a one night stand is not making love

Wibbs

It's a physical act that can have a lot of other stuff thrown in. That's it. Intimacy is the thing. I've had snogs on occasion with a woman that were more intimate than full sex with another woman. Would you be freaked if she had sucked a few mens fingers? After all it's just one body part inside another body part. I know that sounds like a stretch but it really isn't. The physical act is just that. It becomes so much more with the intimacy of love and sharing and everything else that goes on when two people connect on a deeper level.

TBH and to take it to another extreme, if I was seeing someone and she had a one night stand for whatever reason, I would far more easily forgive and forget about that, than if I found out out she had being seeing a guy laying in bed with him and doing nothing but sharing her inner feelings with him.

LegacyUser

thanks folks, points well taken

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

Subconciously holding this against your girlfriend is unfair, she'll never live up to the standards you have in your head. I would suggest you decide if you can be happy with this lass for who she is, not for who you want her to be.

Agreed.

Either way, a lot of this thinking is going to be a throwback to other times. Male dominace means that subconciously you might be hung up on other people have carnal knowledge of your girlfriend when your own knowledge outside of the realtionship may be limited.

It also has some biological components too. While both men and women can be thrown by this kinda thing, it's much more common in men. Basically because men throughout our history could never truly know if a child was theirs, unless their partner was observed all the time. Hence many societies had and have much stricter controls on womens sexuality(virginity is valued etc). The thoughts that a woman has had more sexual partners in the past plays into that primeval fear/concern and is the biggest reason for the OP and others problems with this..

We live in different times and we have to acknowledge that we have grown beyond those restrictions. Your mind is bigger and better than that little voice so ignore it and see it for what it is, or you may lose a very good woman.

AngryBadger

OP I think this is moer about how you view 1-night stands than anything else.

This is all in the past, and yet you're allowing it to fester in the present between you and your partner. Why? Anything your partner engaged in before meeting you is completely hands-ff as far as you go. Sure you're going to have an opinion on it, but you're with this person because you've gotten to know them SINCE THEN, whatever was in the past is no longer with the two of you.

The problem here is you view a one-night-stand as in some way demeaning to your partner, or showing some kind of weakness in their character. There are people who have one-night stands all the time, and in some of those cases you're talking about people with issues, but in a lot of those cases you're talking a bout responsible, consenting adults who have every right to indulge their sexual appetites whenever they choose and with whomever they choose.

So, if you think your partner was sleeping with these people out of some kind of esteem issue, then maybe there's grounds for you asking if you know them as well as you think you do.

However, if your partner was doing this because they enjoyed it and were comfortable enough in themselves to be able to engage other people in this fashion, well then the problem lies with you and your view on one-night-stands and people that have them.

Marksie

You know Op: this crops up time and time again.

And the answer is bluntly get over it or get out.
You are imposing your own set of values on someone else. Amazing that you should think that she had self respect until she had one night stands.

She told you: you can either handle it and accept who she is now stems from where she has come from, or not accept it and put an advert in the sinlge pages looking for a nun.

Its quite simple: its not her issue. Its yours.

Dudess

Sex is a very basic, primal need - thus there is absolutely nothing wrong with it being just physical. And I say that as someone who finds myself becoming less keen on the idea of purely physical, emotion-free sex as I get older (not for moral reasons or anything, it's just my own personal view).

Would you prefer a bit of promiscuity in your girlfriend's past (and how many one-night stands are we talking about? Because, for instance, one every few months is not a lot) or one or more long-term relationships with guys whom she was madly in love with? Sometimes a lack of emotional baggage isn't a bad thing for a relationship at all.

Shinto

Yes, how many are you talking about? Everyone has a different opinion of what "many" is.

Give us a ball park figure please. If its 10, or 100 then that's two very different situations.

Although, it must be re-iterated that this was before you met, so 'let bygones be bygones' as they say.

LegacyUser

5

SpookyDoll

GlanMalure, dont wreck your head about it, its in the past, she is with you for a good reason. TBH most one night stands are the same anyway, its not like she has had all these meaningful encounters.

lol a word to the wise as well, I wouldnt be using the term "making love" -it makes most people want to spew!!!

"having sex" is fine.

Wibbs

Dudess wrote: »

Would you prefer a bit of promiscuity in your girlfriend's past (and how many one-night stands are we talking about? Because, for instance, one every few months is not a lot) or one or more long-term relationships with guys whom she was madly in love with? Sometimes a lack of emotional baggage isn't a bad thing for a relationship at all.

Agreed. If I had a choice I can tell you this I would much prefer a woman who has had a string of one off encounters than a couple of heavy duty relationships that have left her with baggage. No contest in fact. The only people for which extra baggage is a good thing is ryanair.

Dudess

Five - unless she's a teenager who only lost her virginity recently - is bugger all

Marksie

SpookyDoll wrote: »

lol a word to the wise as well, I wouldnt be using the term "making love" -it makes most people want to spew!!!

A word from the wise OP, call it what you want .
If they feel sick about it, thats THEIR issue.

OP: 5 is the number of others?

Then yes, you are having a total overreaction.
Off the top of my head i read somewhere (and it was a while ago ... so feel free to double check) that the average was 7

Dragan

glenmalure wrote: »

5

Awh dude, come on. Your reinforcing my idea that you are a bit overly romantic and maybe a bit green when it comes to sex.

Look mate, there is no cosmic force that means two people stay pure until they meet. You live, you love, you experience and you sometimes you even **** your way to the future.

Thats just how it works man. You need to stop worrying about this. If she was wandering, or cheating on you then yeah, you have an issue and a valid one.

This one is just going to kill your relationship if you don't let it go. And it won't be her either, it will be you.

STUBBORNGIRL

Dudess wrote: »

Five - unless she's a teenager who only lost her virginity recently - is bugger all

Totally Agree - OMG - i have had more than 5 one night stands (less than 10 for the record) over a period of time and i dont consider that an issue, nor would i be happy if i thought a guy considered that alot! i do not want to think, how many one night stands, some men and women out there, have had!

Are you a country lad by any chance??

as another poster said - let bygones be bygones! Whats in the past is in the past and just concentrate on your future together!

Rayven199

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Totally Agree - OMG - i have had more than 5 one night stands (less than 10 for the record) over a period of time and i dont consider that an issue, nor would i be happy if i thought a guy considered that alot! i do not want to think, how many one night stands, some men and women out there, have had!

Are you a country lad by any chance??

Op really you have to let it go and Im sure if you are enjoying the sex with your GF now, then you have all those 5 guys to thank! She didnt pick it off the ground you know

as another poster said - let bygones be bygones! Whats in the past is in the past and just concentrate on your future together!

I think thats just going to fuel his imagination and make him feel worse! He doesnt need to think about his GF with other guys and what she has learned from being with them! Kind of rubbing it in!

Marksie

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Op really you have to let it go and Im sure if you are enjoying the sex with your GF now, then you have all those 5 guys to thank! She didnt pick it off the ground you know

You do realise you may have really opened a can of worms now stubborngirl.
The idea she had been with 5 others freaked the OP.
What do you think will happen when he turns his thoughts to that?

STUBBORNGIRL

Marksie wrote: »

You do realise you may have really opened a can of worms now stubborngirl.
The idea she had been with 5 others freaked the OP.
What do you think will happen when he turns his thoughts to that?

OMG im sorry i didnt think of it like that! Sorry OP - all i can say to retract what i have said (taking foot out of mouth) is that she obvioulsy likes you and respects you to not have had a one night stand with so you should be happy knowing that and that ye have come this far that you should try to not think about it! ........Im such a D'OH!

LegacyUser

i am from dublin, i have had 20 sexual partners but none were one night stands. i have no trouble with the fact my girlfriend had previous partners but i am disappointed she had one night stands. but i love her and she is worth it

Marksie

glenmalure wrote: »

i am from dublin, i have had 20 sexual partners but none were one night stands. i have no trouble with the fact my girlfriend had previous partners but i am disappointed she had one night stands. but i love her and she is worth it

Oh dear, you do realise you are going to really cop it now as you have juts admitted to having 4X as many sexual partners.

Two words: Double standards

Rayven199

Marksie wrote: »

Oh dear, you do realise you are going to really cop it now as you have juts admitted to having 4X as many sexual partners.

Two words: Double standards

+1

Dudess

To be fair Mark, he did say they weren't one-night stands. I think it's the no-strings, emotion-free sex that is the one-night stand which bothers him, rather than the number of sexual partners. I think so anyway.

gabgab

Rayven199 wrote: »

+1

Incorrect by all the double standard posters there folks, he has said that none were one night stands. Therefore the standards he is assessing this by are different, skewed maybe, but still different

How you have had 20 relationships is beyond me though my man?? I'd bet there are a few questionable relationships in there to be fair,

My advice OP, let it be a problem, let it bother and annoy you, then let it eventually eat away until you wreck the relationship or make her feel like **** about it,

THEN, be the guy that still regrets it in 5 years time......

I may get banned or some sort of infraction for posting thet, however the fact of the matter is that she knows you. And unless you have been portraying something very different to what you actually are then she knows you are not going to be happy about it, but she took that risk and told you

Marksie

Dudess wrote: »

To be fair Mark, he did say they weren't one-night stands. I think it's the no-strings, emotion-free sex that is the one-night stand which bothers him, rather than the number of sexual partners. I think so anyway.

true,
But given the style of posting all of those 20 would have been "the one" until they slipped off the pedestal or didn't reach the required standard, somewhat oblique there from me dudess, but you get my drift

Dudess

gabgab wrote: »

How you have had 20 relationships is beyond me though my man?? I'd bet there are a few questionable relationships in there to be fair

Probably flings, short-term relationships etc. You'd be surprised how they can add up And whereas that's that, possibly never seeing the person again, with a one-night stand, it doesn't apply to even a very short-term fling.

Excellent post btw gabgab.

Dragan

glenmalure wrote: »

she is worth it

She is worth what exactly?

What terrible crime has she committed that you are forgiving her for?

Also, be sure to let her know, i think this girls should understand fully how forgiving her boyfriend is of her obvious failings. :rolleyes:

Marksie

gabgab wrote: »

I may get banned or some sort of infraction for posting thet, however the fact of the matter is that she knows you. And unless you have been portraying something very different to what you actually are then she knows you are not going to be happy about it, but she took that risk and told you

nope, nothing wrong with it , no charter rules broken as i can see. You are IMO accurately describing what will happen if he doesnt move beyond it.

Dudess wrote: »

Probably flings, short-term relationships etc. You'd be surprised how they can add up

Then lets say, people in glass houses should not throw stones then ...or any such adgage, saying or proverb to describe a situation where their own behaviour pattern (or sexual history) should be examined before pointing accusatory appendages at others .

Lets face it i would not be impressed if in the same situation, my 5 one night stands were held against me given the OH attitude and sexual history.

But then again i am a well known prude

LegacyUser

my issue was with one night stands and not number of partners. i have never slept with someone the first time i m et them. maybe i did not know them all that long but they were never strangers. lots of relationships that lasted only 5 or 6 weeks

Dudess

Yeah, there is a difference between that and a one-night stand, where you might not even see the person again.

Madame Razz

people drink

people get horny

people get flirty

people drink more

people get reckless

people go home with a random

People have one night stand with the random

Need for sex satisfied

People wake up the next day

People might do it again in the morning or not

People know its going nowhere so dont bother with numbers etc....no point in dressing it up

People experience brief moment of regret/guilt/disgust

People get over it

Butta bing

Op, welcome to the real world, one night stands happen, they're not the nicest, but they happen. They dont make your girlf less of a person, in fact they make no difference to the person at all.

We'd all like to turn back the clock on somethings, but unfortunately this life isnt a dress rehearsal.... theres no time to go back and perfect things before the opening curtain.

i think you just need to move on from it and focus on the good in your relationship instead...

Marksie

Dudess wrote: »

Yeah, there is a difference between that and a one-night stand, where you might not even see the person again.

or where there is no emotional invlovement because the understanding its one night.
Whereas a 5-6 week relationship may lead to expectations and invlovment one one side which may not be returned on the other = hurt and upset (up to 20 times).

Given that..which is the more honest approach?.

And if No emotional involvment, its not a realtionship but a fcuk buddy scenario = similar to one night stand, no involvement.

Anyhoo i didn't want to drag this off topic, so will deal with that aspect in PM.

STUBBORNGIRL

manukahoney wrote: »

people drink

people get horny

people get flirty

people drink more

people get reckless

people go home with a random

People have one night stand with the random

Need for sex satisfied

People wake up the next day

People might do it again in the morning or not

People know its going nowhere so dont bother with numbers etc....no point in dressing it up

People experience brief moment of regret/guilt/disgust

People get over it

Butta bing

Op, welcome to the real world, one night stands happen, they're not the nicest, but they happen. They dont make your girlf less of a person, in fact they make no difference to the person at all.

We'd all like to turn back the clock on somethings, but unfortunately this life isnt a dress rehearsal.... theres no time to go back and perfect things before the opening curtain.

i think you just need to move on from it and focus on the good in your relationship instead...

Could not have written this better! sums everything up really!

Op let it go - its doing you no favours harbouring these negative thoughts!

marti101

20 relationships, what age are you.You sound like somethuing from the middle ages to be honest some of them "relationships [and i use that term loosely]must have been quick.Im sure some of them would be nearly classed as a one night stand.You have a gf who loves you and doesnt cheat on you and you are worried about something that happened ages ago,if thats all you have worrying you you are a very lucky man.Id be more worried about your gf and yourinability to have a serious relationships.I think you are trying to put your failure and insecurities on your gf to make you feel macho.Like arent i great im still going out with her even though she had a one night stand years ago.

gabgab

glenmalure wrote: »

my issue was with one night stands and not number of partners. i have never slept with someone the first time i m et them. maybe i did not know them all that long but they were never strangers. lots of relationships that lasted only 5 or 6 weeks

They may have grown to like you, did you think that they had potential from the start? I for one know pretty much immediately if I have chemistry, I then gauge attitudes, interests, and take it from there.

In my experience people that have alot, 20 is alot, of short relationships are in no better a moral highground than someone that has had 20 one night stands.

Socially, you may look like a "better" person, but in reality:

Very few people will have that many 5/6 or longer week relationships constantly thinking that they might go somewhere. I am willing to wager that many of these 20 partners were non runners from very early, but you find it easier to suggest you had a relationship,

Using this approach, define a relationship for me please glenmalure:

gabgab

marti101 wrote: »

20 relationships, what age are you.You sound like somethuing from the middle ages to be honest some of them "relationships [and i use that term loosely]must have been quick.Im sure some of them would be nearly classed as a one night stand.You have a gf who loves you and doesnt cheat on you and you are worried about something that happened ages ago,if thats all you have worrying you you are a very lucky man.Id be more worried about your gf and yourinability to have a serious relationships.I think you are trying to put your failure and insecurities on your gf to make you feel macho.Like arent i great im still going out with her even though she had a one night stand years ago.

You should have a tv show,

Spot on,

(please not I am a systematic 1/2 week dater, because I do not believe in wasting anyones time)

Claire121

Would you prefer a bit of promiscuity in your girlfriend's past (and how many one-night stands are we talking about? Because, for instance, one every few months is not a lot) or one or more long-term relationships with guys whom she was madly in love with? Sometimes a lack of emotional baggage isn't a bad thing for a relationship at all.

Well, it is a matter of opinion. I think a one night stand every few months is quite a lot. Lots of people never have one. And I actually prefer a BF to have had a few serious relationships than a pile of one night stands. But I agree that it's a double standard, for the OP to have had 20 sexual partners and then complain that his girlfriend doesn't place enough value on sex. He might not have had an actual one night stand, but flings and one month relationships aren't far off it. I could understand someone who'd only had a couple of serious relationships being put off by one night stands, but this is ridiculous. I'd be really annoyed if I was his GF and he gave me a guilt trip over 5 one night stands while having had 20 partners.

LegacyUser

yes i had 20 partners, some were long term, most were women i slept with and they did not want to meet again. i wish i did not have as many as i genuinely liked most of these women. i have no moral problem with my girlfriend and i accept what she did. i have saidthat in a post . i am surprised that no one here seems to think there are problems with one night stands, they seem to be the norm . does anyone think they are wrong