Leaving the fiance behind

LegacyUser

I've been offered a fantastic job in New Zealand starting in October, so have to decide soon. I've been studying a very specific area of biology, and never thought I'd get a job in that area so soon out of college. It'll pay 4 times my current job (in a shoe shop), it's exactly what I want, and I have relatives near the research facility I can stay with while I try get a place to stay.

But of course there's a catch, my finance is still in college here in Galway. He's failed his 3rd year of 4 twice already, and is thinking of starting afresh in another similar course in Dublin which is another 4 years. He's said before happy to move abroad with me, but wants to finish college first. I don't know what to do Obviously if it comes down to the job or my love I'll stay, just scared I'll regret it if I either stay or go.

Help!

wasper

fleeing wrote: »

I've been offered a fantastic job in New Zealand starting in October, so have to decide soon. I've been studying a very specific area of biology, and never thought I'd get a job in that area so soon out of college. It'll pay 4 times my current job (in a shoe shop), it's exactly what I want, and I have relatives near the research facility I can stay with while I try get a place to stay.

But of course there's a catch, my finance is still in college here in Galway. He's failed his 3rd year of 4 twice already, and is thinking of starting afresh in another similar course in Dublin which is another 4 years. He's said before happy to move abroad with me, but wants to finish college first. I don't know what to do Obviously if it comes down to the job or my love I'll stay, just scared I'll regret it if I either stay or go.

Help!

Ask him that he is stuck in a rot here. If he is going to start a new course then why not do it in NZ?. If this is a good opportunity that can't be repeated then go for it.
Anyway aren't you a bit young to be engaged. I mean in this day and age people leave these thing to later.

mikewest

Go. When will another chance come up for you to follow your chosen career? Do the long distance relationship thing until he finishes college. Many couples have done this in the past and if everything else is good between you the problems should be minor.

Plus he may find college easier without distractions

Good luck

Setun

Whoah. The job sounds perfect.

Drag him with you, he'll thank you when he steps off the plane in that wonderful country.

kmick

Just make sure its near a ryanair airport and you can come home once a month. Dont waste valuable job opportunities at this time. if you currently live in Glaway and he wants to go to Dublin I dont see the difference?

c - 13

Go.

I moved for a job in Bahrain a few months ago and left my G/f of 3.5 years behind (she's a hairdresser so will find it next to impossible to find work here).

We're doing fine, granted it can have its difficult moments but with Webtext, Skype, Webcams etc. its not really so bad.

If you don't take it you may end up regretting it (and possibly even resenting him for "holding you back")

If you go and after a while decide you miss him too much and/or dont like the place/job theres nothing stopping you from coming home is there ?

Madame Razz

One word: GO!!!

You'll regret it if you dont.

gamblitis

Def go for it. No offence but being engaged that young is not a good sign for the relationship given the amounts of marriage break ups these days. I'd take the job and if he is not happy to either go with you or let you go follow your carrer then i don't think he really loves you as much as he should or as much as you think he might. Enjoy NZ, can't wait to get there myself tbh. Hope things work out

Cateym

My husband has just taken a job in Abu Dhabi and he left on sunday. I am staying behind as I am going back to uni to do a post grad. I won't be joining him out there until this time next year. It was a hard decision to make as we have only been married 6 months but it was a wonderful opportunity for him (and both of us in the long run). I am sure your fiance will support you if you go. Opportunities like this don't come knocking every day so you should grab it with both hands.

Miss Fluff

This is a rare opportunity, it will allow you to see the world and advance your career. I'd be on the first plane if I were you.

seamus

kmick wrote: »

Just make sure its near a ryanair airport and you can come home once a month.

You're aware of how far away New Zealand is, right? A return trip costs at least €1500 and each leg takes about 24 hours.

To do that 12 times a year would cost at least €18,000 and involve nearly four weeks of flying. I don't think any sane person could handle that.

When you're going to New Zealand, you're going with the intention of coming home once a year, twice at most.

OP, there are a number of things you need to decide:

1. Do you plan on staying there if the situation is right, or do you plan on going for a couple of years and then definitely coming home?

2. Does your fiance even want to go to New Zealand at all? If so, ask question 1 of him.

3. Is there any reason why he can't start a new course in New Zealand?

4. If you plan on going for a couple of years and he doesn't want to go, then could you handle only seeing him once a year?

Correct me completely if I'm wrong here, but it seems like you're both young. You're saying that you're "engaged", but you probably have no plans to get married at all at the moment. Yes, you're probably mad about each other, but no more so than the thousands of other couples around your age. Being engaged doesn't really mean anything unless you have plans to follow through on it.

I'm not saying that you should give up on the relationship, but it's very common for couples to call a halt to the whole thing when these kinds of crossroads appear. It's often the best thing all round - neither feel obliged to someone 10,000 miles away (which can be very frustrating), and if/when you do meet up again it can make the relationship so much stronger for you both having had experiences without eachother.

LoanShark

GO!

Life is too short to be wondering about What IF's!!

If your OH is thinkin about changing his course at this stage,then what happens in another three years he discovers he made a mistake!!

Paddle your own boat..

wcarey1975

Definately go. As has been said these thing dont come along all that often, and never for some folk. You WILL regret it if it's something that you want to do and dont go for it. If you go and it doesnt suit then you can always come back in a few months. You never know your other half may come along an d really like it and you may not and you'll have the reverse problem trying to come back;). Anyway if he really values you he wont stand in your way I know I wouldn't if it my my OH.

GO GO GO GO.....

SnowMonkey

take the job you be foolish not to

kmick

Sorry misread - thought it said Switzerland.
New Zealand distance=distance The Moon as far as I can see from teh maps.

Myxomatosis

fleeing wrote: »

He's failed his 3rd year of 4 twice already, and is thinking of starting afresh in another similar course in Dublin which is another 4 years.

Tell him he doesn't belong in college.

It will cost him a **** load to go back to college for another 4 years, paying full fees. If he finds a course in NZ, he could qualify for a grant.

chump

LoanShark wrote: »

GO!

Life is too short to be wondering about What IF's!!

If your OH is thinkin about changing his course at this stage,then what happens in another three years he discovers he made a mistake!!

Paddle your own boat..

There is no reason he shouldn't go with you.

Surely he can do something there,

He seems to be just limping around here from what you've said.

Aurora Borealis

You should go and I think your fiance would want the best for you too and encourage you. Things just fall into place some times and you're together to support and help each other. I know if my life partner had to move for reasons like this. I'd support them all the way.

When is the wedding? I'm not sure what visa issues are like in NZ but perhaps he could look into studying over there?

CDfm

its a hard one.

i went to the middle east and the relationship ended in a few months

it depends what you value most love or money

irish_boy90

I think you have to take that offer and go.

Amazotheamazing

Weird the way you use the word "fleeing" as your username and title the thread about leaving the fiance behind, I reckon you know yourself you should go and if he goes with you well and good, and if he doesn't, you're saving yourself heartache in the longer term.

LoanShark

kmick wrote: »

Sorry misread - thought it said Switzerland.
New Zealand distance=distance The Moon as far as I can see from teh maps.

KMICK you so Crazy!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D

hockeygirl

Definately go for it.

You regret if you stay... and will prob blame him in the future.
I wanted to go abroad and do a masters after I finished my physics degree but the thing that held me back was that I didnt want to leave my boyfriend of 3yrs. - totally regret that decision now.

But Ive changed careers and Im training to be an acocutnant at the mo so Im very happy. But if the offer of career advancement ever came along that involed going abroad Id defiantely go for it.

if he doesnt go with you then thats his choice - just like you would be be making a choice to give up on your dream jobb so you could wait another 5yrs or whatever for him to qualify


Imagine how p*ssed off you'd be if you stayed and 6mths later your relationship was over and your still working in a shoe shop!


Life is just to short!

Flamed Diving

You should never base your long-term decisions on another person. Unless there are kids involved.

hockeygirl

Flamed Diving wrote: »

You should never base your long-term decisions on another person. Unless there are kids involved.

+1 meant to add that myself. You are so right

smileysurfer

GO!!! it sounds like a dream job for you! but also ye obviously love each other if ye are engaged! explain it to your fiance and ask him to come with you, college will still be here when ye get back! and long distance can be tough (trust me) im sure he'l go with you!

anniehoo

Yeh im also in the "go" camp! Yeah i know NZ is v far away but if you want to, it will work! I work with a few people who havent synchronised their working relationships but are making the best of a hard situation! Sacrifices (saving for flights etc) will have to be made but you will soon find out how much you love each other. If you're the type of person that values their career then go for it, regrets only lead to heartache further down the line! You've worked hard no doubt for your dream job, your fiance isnt quite there yet..make the most of a not so ideal situation and see how it goes. Good luck!

homerjay2005

i think alot of people on here saying go must be single. its not as easy as just go. take your time and make the right decision for both of you, not just you. if this man is your husband to be and you love him, i would say stay or else he goes with you. i dont think it would survive to be honest, but thats only opinion.

is a job worth risking your whole life for? if he doesnt decide to go and u agree, then id turn down the job if I was you.

my work travelling has sorta cost me a relationship, so thats where im coming from. simple question, which means more?

Black_Knight

Id feel like you will always be wondering what if if you dont go. And if you wernt wondering that, id say he will be thinking you are.

Personally, if my girlfriend said she needs to go to the other side of the world for a job id be devistated, but I wouldnt dare stop her. Id support her all the way and do my damnedest to make it as easy as possible.

Its a tough decision, but its your career and an amazing opportunity, you really shouldnt let it pass.

And with the whole "recession", this might be a reality in the next year or so.

Pub07

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i think alot of people on here saying go must be single. its not as easy as just go. take your time and make the right decision for both of you, not just you. if this man is your husband to be and you love him, i would say stay or else he goes with you. i dont think it would survive to be honest, but thats only opinion.

is a job worth risking your whole life for? if he doesnt decide to go and u agree, then id turn down the job if I was you.

You could also say 'is a relationship that could end in a few months anyway worth risking your life for'. She has an opportunity to get her dream job while her bf seems to be just pricking around galway, like lots of other people hehe. Failed 3rd year twice and wants to go and do another course in Dublin that'll take another four years...odds are he'll pull out of that too before it's finished if he even starts it.

I think the OP should go and make a life for herself and not stay working in a shoe shop for a pittance for her bf's sake, a guy who is at nothing anyway. I think it's reasonable for her to expect him to go with her if he is really commited to the relationship but I dont think it's reasonable for him to expect her to turn down such a great opportunity while he dosses about galway having the craic, a place that has been called 'the graveyard of ambition'. Nothing against galway btw, I live there and it's my favourite place in ireland lol.

Amazotheamazing

Just as aside, I too, went to NUI,G and would consider it next to impossible to fail one year there, let alone the same year twice. In my years there (and maybe it's changed) it required something exceptional to achieve that. The guy can surely do the course he wants to in NZ?

dazberry

I have been in this situation as the left behind person.

In my situation there was no way in the world I would tell my [ex]GF not to go - it was a great opportunity for her. But where things went wrong is that she couldn't bring herself to address the fact that we were going to have to break up (I still had 2 years of college to finish) - so when she left I was left with the impression she was only going for 8 months and would be back. She on the other hand had a completely different idea - so like an idiot I sat around in misery for those 8 months. Then 8 months became a year, then 2 and so on. Even if it wasn't on purpose it was the cruellest thing anyone has ever done to me - left without a shred of confidence, a broken heart and no closure. I've dated a couple of times since but tbh my heart just isn't in it anymore - and that was all 15 years ago.

So what I'm trying to say is that if you're going then that's a given - and its up to both of you to see how you can work it out - if you can't you can't - but above everything else you have to be honest with each other. Its better in the long run.

D.

Monkey61

Tricky one OP, but to be honest the big decision should really be your boyfriend's decision as to whether he should go or not.

You didn't mention what course he's planning on doing (unless I just missed it). Has he suddenly discovered his true calling in life and needs to do the Dublin course to achieve it?? If that's not the case, I think he should definitely go with you, at least for a year to see how it goes. It sounds like the kind of kick in the arse he needs.

This really depends on his career plans though. If he has his heart set on something then I suppose there is an argument for him staying in Ireland - but surely if it's going to take four years, he could easily take a year out now to go with you. Can he do a course in NZ? Have you looked into that? I don't know what the rules are for that with visas and stuff. In fairness he is unlikely to get a grant in a foreign country. I can't even get one in England until I've lived here for 3 years.

Sometimes relationships require sacrifices, but I think that sacrifices should be for the greater good. I moved to England (I know its not that far) with my girlfriend and she has to stay here for another four years minimum. I hate it. Every single day that passes I hate being here more, but I have to make the best of it because her career is the more important at the moment (I am still just pottering about in the vagueness). If she suddenly had to go to the depths of the arctic for work, I would of course go with her.

sunnyjim

Tell him he doesn't belong in college.

It will cost him a **** load to go back to college for another 4 years, paying full fees. If he finds a course in NZ, he could qualify for a grant.

Myxtobosis (spl), don't throw out advice like that. I've never heard of a grant for it, and I'm sure you haven't either.

How Strange

OP, IMO, regardless of your engagement you have to make a selfish decision here as you've studied for this career and have been given a chance of a life time. If you turn it down simply because you're engaged then you may regret it and resent your fiance later on.

Look into the possibilities of him undertaking a course of study in NZ. It may be quite accessible for him if he has a spouse/wife living and working full time there.

I suppose the first thing to do is discuss it with him. You don't have children and neither of you have anything except each other which would tie you down here so this is a great opportunity for both of you.

Sugar Drunk

Hi Op, you would be mad not to go. Why not ask him to come? lets face it he hasnt not exactly done fantastic in college over here if he has failed year 3 twice in one course is starting from scratch in another going to help?

Maybe he would be better to have a break and look for a course in NZ? even one he could do part time etc Im not really seeing what difference it makes what country he goes to college in?

at least if you have asked him to come you are letting him know you would like that to happen and are including him in all this