How do you get to heaven

MooseJam

No I'm not looking to be saved, but am curious about how you get from here to there, is there a bus ? does god use a tractor beam or suck you all up with a straw perhaps ? whats the consensus on means of travel ...

Fanny Cradock

Tractor beam onto the bus and then drive there. Straws are available for refreshments served on-board, but only if you have lead a virtuous life. ETA at heaven is anything from 15 minutes to infinity.

Next!

0utpost31

As far as I know, the requirements for being allowed into heaven are:

Be a slave to an entity, known as "god", that can't be seen, heard or proven. This has to be a single certain Christian god (out of thousands, including Thor).

Confess your deepest darkest sins and thoughts to a person (known as a priest) dressed in all black, in a wooden box.

Recite special poems known as "prayers" to the aforementioned entitiy. You don't get any feedback from the entity. Talking to a wall is the best way to describe this activity.

Don't have sex or even think sexual thoughts until you are married. And you have to be married to a member of the opposite sex. If "god" happened to make you gay, (which is his mistake), you must never sexually fulfil yourself with the same sex.



There's probably more about the bus and stuff but I can't remember.

santing

I’ve Been Redeemed

I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb,
Filled with the Holy Ghost, I am.
All my sins are washed away, I've been redeemed.

Oh, I went down to the river to pray
Felt so good that I stayed all day.

And that's not all, there’s more besides,
Been to the river and I've been baptized.

Now the Devil and me we disagree
I hate him and he hates me

You can talk about me all that you please
'Cause I talk about you down on my knees

Oh you can't get to heaven, on roller skates
You'd roll right by those Pearly Gates,

Oh you can't get to heaven, in a rocking chair
'Cause a rocking chair won't get you there,

Oh you can't get to heaven, in a fancy car
'Cause a fancy car can't go that far,

I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb,
Saved and sanctified, I am.

0utpost31

These guys are definately going to heaven:





This guy is a member of a "christian" group. So is he going to heaven?

JimiTime

0utpost31 wrote: »

These guys are definately going to heaven:





This guy is a member of a "christian" group. So is he going to heaven?

Yeah defo. Thats actually the bus stop he's standing next to. The other side is an ad for Bovril.:rolleyes:

fathersymes

Well, not too long ago you could pay for it. Indulgences was the word if i'm not mistaken.

Fanny Cradock

0utpost31 wrote: »

These guys are definately going to heaven:

This guy is a member of a "christian" group. So is he going to heaven?

You can do better than that, outpost. Try www.godhatessweden.com and then, in a similar vein to your previous post, brandish all Christians the same.

PDN

I'm sick of trolls.

Bans for MooseJam and Outpost31.

Thread locked.